I've talked of my Aunt Ruth before in my blog. She was just a great lady so I've just got to mention her again. She loved children and I think it was because she never lost her sense of being a child herself. She held the family together in her time and kept everyone in touch and some of that sense of keeping things going has fallen to me. When we were little ones, she would recite little rhymes to us and I've tried to pass them on to my children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren in hopes that they won't become lost. While leaving Kat an offline message in yahoo the other day, I sneaked in one of those rhymes and I sure hope she got a chuckle out of it. Here is another:
I had a little chicken
That wouldn't lay an egg.
I poured hot water
Up and down her leg.
Little chicken cried,
Little chicken begged.
But now my little chicken
Laid a hard boiled egg.
I'm quite sure there would be repercussions if that were to be taught in nursery school these days huh?
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
I had a hibernation day yesterday. I didn't leave the house all day, wore my pjs until after cooking supper, took a bath, and put on clean pjs for bed last night. I thought of how nice it would be to be able to hibernate for days or weeks but then I thought of how that would be almost impossible for someone living in the country,,,in the delta,,,in Arkansas. The main reason for this is there is no home delivery, no take out, ANYTHING in the country. It's not even a good place for being car-free. There are no buses, no trains, no taxis (well I guess for a price you could get a taxi but he'd have to drive 12 miles or so to pick you up). There are perks though. I was able to walk around the yard in my pjs to water my newly planted things. If there are no tractors or low flying ag planes or pickups in sight, I can lie naked in the sun for short periods.
I reckon you have to take the good with the bad in life, but it sure would be nice to hole up for a few days and not starve to death in the process.
I reckon you have to take the good with the bad in life, but it sure would be nice to hole up for a few days and not starve to death in the process.
About those birthdays,,,,,, Since reading my favorite blogspots this morning I've been trying to recall just one romantic anything event since I've been married. You know you live amongst rednecks though, when the only memorable birthday that can be recalled concerned a freakin coon hound.
I married exactly 2 weeks before my 17th birthday so there have been combination gifts over the years (and not many of those mind you). Hubby comes from one of those families built like Kat describes in her blog....7 boys, 1 girl,,,and conceived from hand holding and nit pickin,,I swear!! Birthdays and being poor farmers did not add up to anything special for them so during the early years of our marriage I used to spend July and August every year with hurt feelings.
Ok, Ok, the memorable birthday......
First of all, he forgot it was my birthday that year. He was up with the roosters and out the door before the sun was up to join his hunting buddy and his brother for a ride up to the hills to find a hunting dog. Hubby and brother were dedicated coon hunters so they had cash money in their pockets from the past year's hide sales (keep in mind that I had an infant, in cloth diapers, and no dryer). Anyway, off they went for a day of shopping.
About 10 hours later, I drove the couple of miles down the road to the little country store for a sack of flour, and there they were, parked in front of the store with every man in that part of the country surrounding the truck. I walked over to see what all the comotion was about and it was then that my manners left me,,,right there in front of all his peers,,,the Bitch in me came to the surface. I looked at that dog, I looked at my husband of 2 years and I said, "Does he have a gold asshole?" Men started ducking their heads, twiddling with their caps, backing up,,,,then I said, "Well I don't see anything else about him that would be worth a thousand dollars" I then went into the store, got my flour and went home and waited for the dressing down that was to come. Now, can you get more romantic than that?
I married exactly 2 weeks before my 17th birthday so there have been combination gifts over the years (and not many of those mind you). Hubby comes from one of those families built like Kat describes in her blog....7 boys, 1 girl,,,and conceived from hand holding and nit pickin,,I swear!! Birthdays and being poor farmers did not add up to anything special for them so during the early years of our marriage I used to spend July and August every year with hurt feelings.
Ok, Ok, the memorable birthday......
First of all, he forgot it was my birthday that year. He was up with the roosters and out the door before the sun was up to join his hunting buddy and his brother for a ride up to the hills to find a hunting dog. Hubby and brother were dedicated coon hunters so they had cash money in their pockets from the past year's hide sales (keep in mind that I had an infant, in cloth diapers, and no dryer). Anyway, off they went for a day of shopping.
About 10 hours later, I drove the couple of miles down the road to the little country store for a sack of flour, and there they were, parked in front of the store with every man in that part of the country surrounding the truck. I walked over to see what all the comotion was about and it was then that my manners left me,,,right there in front of all his peers,,,the Bitch in me came to the surface. I looked at that dog, I looked at my husband of 2 years and I said, "Does he have a gold asshole?" Men started ducking their heads, twiddling with their caps, backing up,,,,then I said, "Well I don't see anything else about him that would be worth a thousand dollars" I then went into the store, got my flour and went home and waited for the dressing down that was to come. Now, can you get more romantic than that?
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Thoughts and faint memories keep bouncing around in my mostly empty head after reading Leslie's blog this morning. I think I'm past most of the things that have happened to me on my journey to who I am now, but I'm not sure if they've all made me stronger. I'm quite sure I haven't forgiven.
The summer before I turned 6, we had just come back to Arkansas after spending the year in MN. We stayed with my mother's parents for the summer I think but my memories of that summer are pretty dim. It was the summer that I lost a lot of my childhood.
My grandparents lived on a farm and across the narrow dirt lane that they lived on was a family who had one son. I remember his name was Butch but I can't recall his face or even the sound of his voice. I only remember that Butch molested me that summer and spending weeks and months being terrified of him. When my sisters and I talk about things that we did as children, I have to rely on their memories because I only recall bits and pieces of the years from that summer until I was around age 9 or so. My family knows nothing of the experience and I'm quite sure I'll never share it with them cause I still remember his threats.
Really, I don't think the experience made me stronger. It made me old. It made me insecure. If I can't remember things then I am surely not totally past it. I know I'll never forgive him. He was 12, I was 5, we were both children, but he knew better and he hurt me. So,,, does not forgiving make me a bad person?
The summer before I turned 6, we had just come back to Arkansas after spending the year in MN. We stayed with my mother's parents for the summer I think but my memories of that summer are pretty dim. It was the summer that I lost a lot of my childhood.
My grandparents lived on a farm and across the narrow dirt lane that they lived on was a family who had one son. I remember his name was Butch but I can't recall his face or even the sound of his voice. I only remember that Butch molested me that summer and spending weeks and months being terrified of him. When my sisters and I talk about things that we did as children, I have to rely on their memories because I only recall bits and pieces of the years from that summer until I was around age 9 or so. My family knows nothing of the experience and I'm quite sure I'll never share it with them cause I still remember his threats.
Really, I don't think the experience made me stronger. It made me old. It made me insecure. If I can't remember things then I am surely not totally past it. I know I'll never forgive him. He was 12, I was 5, we were both children, but he knew better and he hurt me. So,,, does not forgiving make me a bad person?
Monday, April 28, 2003
Boy I've learned my lesson!! When Tammy says shopping, she means shopping!! I left home to drive to her house this morning at 7:30 (after dropping the kinderkid off at school), we decided to go to Jonesboro so we arrived there sometime around 9:30. I finally dragged in the door at 7:30 this evening. That woman tried on no less than 15 pairs of capris, 5 pairs of jeans, at least 10 bras, over a dozen shirts, and I lost count at the shoe store. I finally convinced her to actually buy some of the stuff or we'd still be out there searching. I only bought one pair of capris, a couple of shirts to go with them, a purse, a book, and some cologne. I'm very proud of my conservativeness. I rarely EVER try things on in shops (cause if I ever found out someone was watching me undress without my knowing it, I'd kill) If I like it, I buy it, if it doesn't fit, then I give it to someone. I really, really, REALLY hate to spend a lot of time shopping. If I have to shop, I prefer to do it in spurts spread out over days and weeks!
We broke for lunch at the Dixie Cafe around 1 and I was really looking forward to sitting in a cool spot to have a before, during, and after lunch beer. The little waitress took our order and a few minutes later the manager wobbles over to our booth. He was full of apologies for the fact that we were in a dry county and they didn't sell beer. This news really popped my balloon but I made it though lunch with sips of diet coke.
All in all it was a pretty good day. We had a lot of laughs about Tammy's experience with hot waxing her bikini area, and a few other dumbass stunts we'd pulled at one time or another and it was just really good to have a girl's day out for a change.
We broke for lunch at the Dixie Cafe around 1 and I was really looking forward to sitting in a cool spot to have a before, during, and after lunch beer. The little waitress took our order and a few minutes later the manager wobbles over to our booth. He was full of apologies for the fact that we were in a dry county and they didn't sell beer. This news really popped my balloon but I made it though lunch with sips of diet coke.
All in all it was a pretty good day. We had a lot of laughs about Tammy's experience with hot waxing her bikini area, and a few other dumbass stunts we'd pulled at one time or another and it was just really good to have a girl's day out for a change.
Sunday, April 27, 2003
It's been a beautiful day outdoors today! The bird house is full of little Martin families making new little Martins. My irises are still bloomin their little buds off. I found, and had hubby plant, two more rose bushes, and two pots of ornamental grasses. The things I planted last week are still living (yeehhaaa). We cooked up some fine crappie and bass fillets outside in the fish fryer and threw some frenchfries and hushpuppies in the pot and enjoyed those out on the deck for an early dinner. (he forgot to defrost the frog legs).
Now I'm contemplating a nice hot bath and a cool nightshirt before snuggling up in my chair to watch "A Painted House" which airs tonight on channel 3.
Tomorrow I'm off to Memphis (or Jonesboro) for a day of shopping with Tammy. I'm not looking for anything specific so unless something just "jumps" out at me, I may not spend a dime.
Now I'm contemplating a nice hot bath and a cool nightshirt before snuggling up in my chair to watch "A Painted House" which airs tonight on channel 3.
Tomorrow I'm off to Memphis (or Jonesboro) for a day of shopping with Tammy. I'm not looking for anything specific so unless something just "jumps" out at me, I may not spend a dime.
Saturday, April 26, 2003
Once upon a time I worked as office manager for an ag app/fertilizer sales business. I was the only woman who worked there so sometimes I felt like the daycare provider, at other times just one of the guys. That only went so far with me though. I found out early on that when it rained and they couldn't get in the field with the application rigs, that it was best if I got as much of my work done as I could and got the hell outta dodge!
The rainy or wet days generally meant the boss and his cohorts would put on a "feed". This consisted of a big pot to boil up the crawfish & shrimp or the giant grill was brought out to cook up steaks. Cases and cases of beer were put on ice and their dice table was cleared of tools. I tried to hightail it outta there before they got into the beer too deeply.
One day I was running a little later than I'd planned so the festivities were getting a toe hold as I opened my office door to go to my truck. There in front of me, between the door and my truck, was my boss and one of his friends, doors open wide on his pickup, and the music blaring out "I Heard It Through the Grapevine". Both guys were on the tool boxes in the bed of the truck doing a strip tease to the music. After the initial shock, I finally had to sit on the sidewalk cause I was laughing so hard at these two drunks.
I've never regretted my years working at that place. It certainly gave me plenty of experience to handle any situation that might come up during future jobs or hell, in life!!
The rainy or wet days generally meant the boss and his cohorts would put on a "feed". This consisted of a big pot to boil up the crawfish & shrimp or the giant grill was brought out to cook up steaks. Cases and cases of beer were put on ice and their dice table was cleared of tools. I tried to hightail it outta there before they got into the beer too deeply.
One day I was running a little later than I'd planned so the festivities were getting a toe hold as I opened my office door to go to my truck. There in front of me, between the door and my truck, was my boss and one of his friends, doors open wide on his pickup, and the music blaring out "I Heard It Through the Grapevine". Both guys were on the tool boxes in the bed of the truck doing a strip tease to the music. After the initial shock, I finally had to sit on the sidewalk cause I was laughing so hard at these two drunks.
I've never regretted my years working at that place. It certainly gave me plenty of experience to handle any situation that might come up during future jobs or hell, in life!!
And today's vocabulary lesson:
Pap Smear
When peepul sez nasti thangs about yer pappy
Rectum
Wut happenz wen ya' drive yer pickup drunk
Renal
Wen ya' hafta pull it out an' nale it agin
Testicles
Books of the Bible. (Also - myfological superhero)
Tumor
Number of beers ya' can drink after last call, tu mor
Urine
Oppozit of "yer out"
Y'all
A degree of rotation. "There are three degrees of Southern rotation - Pitch, Roll, and Y'all."
Ya'll come back now, heah?
Pap Smear
When peepul sez nasti thangs about yer pappy
Rectum
Wut happenz wen ya' drive yer pickup drunk
Renal
Wen ya' hafta pull it out an' nale it agin
Testicles
Books of the Bible. (Also - myfological superhero)
Tumor
Number of beers ya' can drink after last call, tu mor
Urine
Oppozit of "yer out"
Y'all
A degree of rotation. "There are three degrees of Southern rotation - Pitch, Roll, and Y'all."
Ya'll come back now, heah?
The Arkansas Hillbillies
Come and listen to my tale ‘bout a man named Bill,
A sleazy gov-o-ner married to a witch call Hill,
He was key-rupt and a slime and just gen-rally low rent,
He decided to leave Arkansas, to become the President.
Boss, that is, head man, Chief Kahuna
Well, the first thing you know Bills running the whole show,
He was sellin’ Lincoln’s bedroom and just really sinkin’ low,
Said that Hillary’s a yellin’ and that Monica’s a tease,
So he killed some folks at Waco and sold secrets to Chinese.
Impeached that is, kick him out, send him home.
Come and listen to my tale ‘bout a man named Bill,
A sleazy gov-o-ner married to a witch call Hill,
He was key-rupt and a slime and just gen-rally low rent,
He decided to leave Arkansas, to become the President.
Boss, that is, head man, Chief Kahuna
Well, the first thing you know Bills running the whole show,
He was sellin’ Lincoln’s bedroom and just really sinkin’ low,
Said that Hillary’s a yellin’ and that Monica’s a tease,
So he killed some folks at Waco and sold secrets to Chinese.
Impeached that is, kick him out, send him home.
On the subject of Poop. It would seem that another of my grandchildren has taken a special "shine" to nanny. Alexis, poor darlin, has had tummy problems since she arrived in mid February. The doc has told her mommy to try everything from prune juice to suppositories to aid the little angel. She stayed with me yesterday, and for the very first time, made not only ONE special package, but TWO. Just for her nanny it would seem. How did I get to be so lucky!!! I'm so fortunate to have grandchildren who show their love for me.
I really find it hard to have sympathy for some people. There are times when I have unbridled murderous thoughts concerning a few. My son is a correctional officer for the state. Last evening he came in telling us about one of the new inmates that they had immediately had to put in isolation due to the horror of the crime he had committed. After my son told me what this guy had done, my feelings are that they should put the man in general population and let them take care of him in the most terrible fashion they can think up. He was convicted of the attempted rape of a 2 yr old child. This man should have been hung.
I can't imagine the nightmare that that child must still be enduring and I'm totally ashamed of the justice system for protecting that animal.
I can't imagine the nightmare that that child must still be enduring and I'm totally ashamed of the justice system for protecting that animal.
I'm really going to have to start paying attention to what comes out of my mouth sometimes. While coming out of Memphis the other day, I was driving the speed limit, trying to find the street that I needed to turn on to get back to the interstate to head back to Arkansas. I knew I had to turn left and for once I was in the correct lane. To my right, the traffic was bumper to bumper and one hurried driver switched over to my lane behind me. I suppose the speed limit wasn't enough for the lady cause she proceeded to blow her horn and ride my bumper. That really pissed me off, so I slowed a little, and started ranting, "ALRIGHT BITCH, look at my tags,,I'm from Arkansas, I'll stop this truck and whip your citified ass if you keep THAT up!!" I was still muttering under my breath when we stopped at the redlight on at the street I had been looking for. I noticed Tammy smiling next to me, and then I heard this little giggle in the back seat and a voice said, "Nanny, are you gonna whip her ass now that you are stopped?" I spent the next few miles on the way home explaning to Zach that he can't say the things that Nanny says sometimes until he is 18.
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Here's Nanny!! Draggin my tired, old ass but I'm home finally!
After dropping Zach off to catch his bus to the zoo, I picked Tammy up and we headed east on I40 to meet the bus at the zoo. It was raining cats and kittens, the last 20 miles or so were under construction so the I40 bridge over the Mississippi river was down to two lanes of traffic.Then an 18 wheeler wrecked so that narrowed it down to one lane so it took us 30 minutes to cross the bridge. The ONLY good thing about that was being stuck in traffic with Toby Keith's tour bus. (not that we got to see anything but the driver). I made the remark as we sat in a thunderstorm atop the bridge that a terrorist attack wouldn't be a good thing to happen right then. (Sorta scared myself a little, lol.) I was pretty nervous anyway since the lightening was popping all around us.
We finally made it out of the traffic jam , then to the zoo where we waited 45 minutes, in the rain, needing to pee, for the bus to get there. Luckily the rain stopped once we had herded the little ones through the gates but the day was cloudy and a lot cooler than it's been for the past week so being damp already, we were shivering a bit.
I think some of the animals must have decided to stay indoors and watch TV in front of the fire because we didn't see one species of gorilla at all, the seals were hiding out, and hippos were nowhere to be seen. We had to visit the Zebra's twice because they were out to breakfast the first time we stopped by. The new Panda exhibit unfortunately will not open until tomorrow but they did let us see them on monitors so that made us happy campers! We'll have to plan another trip over to see them sometime this summer. We had a little sex education demonstration at one of the African antelope areas that the parents will really appreciate when their kids come home with a whole host of new questions! I'll post some of the day's pics in my photo link. (sorry that I couldn't catch the antelope going at it, I tried!)
Nanny is going to turn the spa on in the tub and get rid of some of these kinks. Gotta get ready for the youngest grandbaby tomorrow, I'm babysitting for the day :-)
After dropping Zach off to catch his bus to the zoo, I picked Tammy up and we headed east on I40 to meet the bus at the zoo. It was raining cats and kittens, the last 20 miles or so were under construction so the I40 bridge over the Mississippi river was down to two lanes of traffic.Then an 18 wheeler wrecked so that narrowed it down to one lane so it took us 30 minutes to cross the bridge. The ONLY good thing about that was being stuck in traffic with Toby Keith's tour bus. (not that we got to see anything but the driver). I made the remark as we sat in a thunderstorm atop the bridge that a terrorist attack wouldn't be a good thing to happen right then. (Sorta scared myself a little, lol.) I was pretty nervous anyway since the lightening was popping all around us.
We finally made it out of the traffic jam , then to the zoo where we waited 45 minutes, in the rain, needing to pee, for the bus to get there. Luckily the rain stopped once we had herded the little ones through the gates but the day was cloudy and a lot cooler than it's been for the past week so being damp already, we were shivering a bit.
I think some of the animals must have decided to stay indoors and watch TV in front of the fire because we didn't see one species of gorilla at all, the seals were hiding out, and hippos were nowhere to be seen. We had to visit the Zebra's twice because they were out to breakfast the first time we stopped by. The new Panda exhibit unfortunately will not open until tomorrow but they did let us see them on monitors so that made us happy campers! We'll have to plan another trip over to see them sometime this summer. We had a little sex education demonstration at one of the African antelope areas that the parents will really appreciate when their kids come home with a whole host of new questions! I'll post some of the day's pics in my photo link. (sorry that I couldn't catch the antelope going at it, I tried!)
Nanny is going to turn the spa on in the tub and get rid of some of these kinks. Gotta get ready for the youngest grandbaby tomorrow, I'm babysitting for the day :-)
Wrestling with the terrorist this morning to get him ready for his Zoo trip. I'm dressed but after I drop him off to ride the bus with the other 49 gotta head north to pick up a friend who's gonna go zooing with us. It's raining, thunderboomers forecasted for the entire day, got umbrellas, cameras, and tranxene. Damn,,why do I agree to do these things??? Be back when I can, IF I can.
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
I had a pretty good time as a kid. We lived in a few different places early on cause of being AF brats, but for the most part, we had the run of several hundred acres of fields, woods, and pastures which became our playground.
My grandmother grew a huge garden every year and we were allowed to forage for our daily snacks if we wanted to. Many days I'd just take the salt box outside with me and pick a tomato or two, wipe the dust off with my shirt, and eat that gift from God right there on the spot. Sometimes I'd have a couple of carrots or some early sweet peas to round out my snack.
I also grew a big garden up until a few years ago.(This is one thing southern belles are good at) After the kids grew up and went their own ways, I began to plant less and less because I'd end up throwing away my summer's labor every spring when it hadn't been eaten during the winter. When they were all at home, we never purchased a can of vegetables because I'd can or freeze everything we needed. I even made and canned a delicious veggie soup that was some fine eatin on cold winter days.
I had a boss once who told me that growing a garden and preserving the food was a waste because I could purchase the veggies if I'd just consider the time I put into my work. (like I was gonna get paid a dime for anything I did outside of the office?) I thought about this and came to a few conclusions. This was a man
1. who'd never bought groceries in his life.
2. who was almost one generation behind me and had never had a hungry day.
3. who thought that everything he would do in life would have a monetary worth.
4. who had a rude awakening coming and was gonna have a long row to hoe.
And the value of the garden for me? Money saved at the grocery that I could spend on frivolous things such as the utility bills, clothing for my children and medicines when they needed them, and vegetables that actually had nutritional value. And most important was probably my sanity, cause weed whacking with a hoe can sure get rid of loads of frustration and anger.
My grandmother grew a huge garden every year and we were allowed to forage for our daily snacks if we wanted to. Many days I'd just take the salt box outside with me and pick a tomato or two, wipe the dust off with my shirt, and eat that gift from God right there on the spot. Sometimes I'd have a couple of carrots or some early sweet peas to round out my snack.
I also grew a big garden up until a few years ago.(This is one thing southern belles are good at) After the kids grew up and went their own ways, I began to plant less and less because I'd end up throwing away my summer's labor every spring when it hadn't been eaten during the winter. When they were all at home, we never purchased a can of vegetables because I'd can or freeze everything we needed. I even made and canned a delicious veggie soup that was some fine eatin on cold winter days.
I had a boss once who told me that growing a garden and preserving the food was a waste because I could purchase the veggies if I'd just consider the time I put into my work. (like I was gonna get paid a dime for anything I did outside of the office?) I thought about this and came to a few conclusions. This was a man
1. who'd never bought groceries in his life.
2. who was almost one generation behind me and had never had a hungry day.
3. who thought that everything he would do in life would have a monetary worth.
4. who had a rude awakening coming and was gonna have a long row to hoe.
And the value of the garden for me? Money saved at the grocery that I could spend on frivolous things such as the utility bills, clothing for my children and medicines when they needed them, and vegetables that actually had nutritional value. And most important was probably my sanity, cause weed whacking with a hoe can sure get rid of loads of frustration and anger.
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
I do believe I'll sleep well tonight. I left this morning, determined to find the hibiscus and hollyhocks I've been searching for. Finally after two nurserys and the second trip to one of them, I found my prizes. I also lucked up on an original planter/birdhouse combination made of willow tree limbs that I purchased for only $39.00!! After wrestling that and some other plants into my truck at the two nurserys, and then planting all this stuff when I got home, I was pretty much walking around like the early humanoids. But my day was not yet done. I had a call last night about the start of Tball practice this evening so had to get the kinderkid there by 6.
His team has new coaches this year and I wonder how I'm going to fit in with this yuppie crowd. ( I think I'm the only nanny amongst these mommies and daddies.) One punk was asking me questions about my "son" and when I finally told him that Zach was my grandson, he remarked, "You certainly don't look old enough to be a grandmother!" Now I can't wait to find out what this manchild does to make a living. I'd be willing to bet that ass kissing is part of the job description!!!
On Thursday we have Zoo day with 50 kinderkids and another tball practice that evening. I'll be a babbling idiot by Friday morning!!
His team has new coaches this year and I wonder how I'm going to fit in with this yuppie crowd. ( I think I'm the only nanny amongst these mommies and daddies.) One punk was asking me questions about my "son" and when I finally told him that Zach was my grandson, he remarked, "You certainly don't look old enough to be a grandmother!" Now I can't wait to find out what this manchild does to make a living. I'd be willing to bet that ass kissing is part of the job description!!!
On Thursday we have Zoo day with 50 kinderkids and another tball practice that evening. I'll be a babbling idiot by Friday morning!!
Monday, April 21, 2003
My grandfather was a pretty special man. He lived to be 97 years old (we think) so I expect he saw a little bit of everything in his lifetime. He drove until he was 95, a full 3 years after they refused to renew his license. He finally stopped driving the car when my mom sold it after he ran into the house because he didn't see it. He didn't speak to her for about a week and then talked someone into taking him to the John Deere place where he bought a riding lawn mower. Once he had wheels again, he decided to forgive mom. Until about 2 weeks before his death, he drove that mower the 3 blocks to the post office and stores in the little town where he lived. We called it "making his rounds".
Right after he bought the mower, I was visiting with him one day and we were sitting out in his yard in the swing. He had already proudly shown me his mower so as we sat there he was telling me what he had to spend for it. He muttered, "Sister, there was a time when I could have bought 2 pickup trucks for what I paid for that durn thing!" He was disgusted about the price but sure was proud to have wheels and some of his independence back.
He died in January 99, but he kept his and my mom's lawn mowed through that previous October. Mom always fussed at him because it was really more than he needed to be doing until one day I asked her if she didn't think he'd be happier doing what he wanted to do until the end. She finally left him alone to do his thing.
I was really lucky to have him in my life.
Right after he bought the mower, I was visiting with him one day and we were sitting out in his yard in the swing. He had already proudly shown me his mower so as we sat there he was telling me what he had to spend for it. He muttered, "Sister, there was a time when I could have bought 2 pickup trucks for what I paid for that durn thing!" He was disgusted about the price but sure was proud to have wheels and some of his independence back.
He died in January 99, but he kept his and my mom's lawn mowed through that previous October. Mom always fussed at him because it was really more than he needed to be doing until one day I asked her if she didn't think he'd be happier doing what he wanted to do until the end. She finally left him alone to do his thing.
I was really lucky to have him in my life.
I found this article about poke salad (this spelling is correct, thanks Ellen!) Since we actually find this stuff quite tasty, this turned out to be a surprise to me. But well,,we do tend to be a little touched here in the south huh? It could well be that our southern accent comes from eating this when we were growing up?
I feel let down after reading everyone's experience in getting their driver's license. I really can't remember when I learned to drive, I just drove. I didn't get my license until I turned 18 though. I married 2 wks before my 17th birthday and since you had to have a guardian's signature before age 18, I refused to get my license. I wasn't about to take my husband with me to sign as my freaking guardian!!
The written part of the exam was the most difficult. I do not do tests well. I get so nervous that many times I've had to dash to the restroom to toss my cookies before and during exams. So,,,I didn't even pass the written part the first time having spent most of the testing period outside tossing in the hedges. Two weeks later, I tried again and got past the worst part. Then the day I was to take my driving exam, my car was in the shop and I had to borrow an uncle's car. A station wagon,,a long station wagon. The exam was in a tiny town with only 4 or 5 streets total and that examiner (a state trooper), after having warned me the consequences of throwing up on him, found a spot for me to parallel park. I did it, the first and only time in my life (I can't do it now for love or money).
So actually, I managed to get my license about 8 years after I learned to drive and I missed out on all of the lessons :-(
The written part of the exam was the most difficult. I do not do tests well. I get so nervous that many times I've had to dash to the restroom to toss my cookies before and during exams. So,,,I didn't even pass the written part the first time having spent most of the testing period outside tossing in the hedges. Two weeks later, I tried again and got past the worst part. Then the day I was to take my driving exam, my car was in the shop and I had to borrow an uncle's car. A station wagon,,a long station wagon. The exam was in a tiny town with only 4 or 5 streets total and that examiner (a state trooper), after having warned me the consequences of throwing up on him, found a spot for me to parallel park. I did it, the first and only time in my life (I can't do it now for love or money).
So actually, I managed to get my license about 8 years after I learned to drive and I missed out on all of the lessons :-(
FINALLY!! Had to change the template but I've finally got some margins back. This formatting stuff blows my mind on these templates.
There was a little backlash from all of yesterday's activities. Somehow, (remember now, that I had 3 extra little ones here), the little deodorizer/cleanser thingy in the hall bathroom got flushed. I found only the hanger portion of this doodad so since the water comes up, and up, and up,,,I have a strong suspicion that one of the little imps broke a portion of it off and tried to hide the evidence. Roto Rooter time.,,,but it could be that we'll have to pull the damned thing up to remove the blockage. This really was what I wanted to do with my Monday.
There was a little backlash from all of yesterday's activities. Somehow, (remember now, that I had 3 extra little ones here), the little deodorizer/cleanser thingy in the hall bathroom got flushed. I found only the hanger portion of this doodad so since the water comes up, and up, and up,,,I have a strong suspicion that one of the little imps broke a portion of it off and tried to hide the evidence. Roto Rooter time.,,,but it could be that we'll have to pull the damned thing up to remove the blockage. This really was what I wanted to do with my Monday.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm tired this morning, but the babies had a happy Easter yesterday. I gathered up 4 of the 7 and took them with us to my mother-in-law's for lunch where they had one egg hunt. Afterwards I brought them home, let them have a little rest, and then they had another egg hunt here. Nanny rabbit's old cotton tail sure was pooped after hiding all those eggs! I'll be taking Zach to school in about 30 minutes so I'll pop back in later for another post.
Saturday, April 19, 2003
After my chat with Katrina yesterday (which was MUCH needed by the way), I thought back to where I was at her age. At that time, I was the mother of a 13 yr old, a 6 yr old, and a 5 yr old. I was insane. I worked 75 to 100 hours a week, had a huge garden, helped with homework, did what housework I had time to do, paid all of the bills, and I can't remember much of anything about that time other than those things. But now that I think about it, there was nothing else to remember other than that. I functioned. I wouldn't wish that sort of life on my worst enemy!!
Marriage and a family were things one was expected to accomplish when I was growing up. Having come from a totally dysfunctional family, I probably tried as hard as anyone ever had to make sure my children grew up in as normal a family setting as was possible.
I didn't realize then how much more difficult things would be for me than they had been for the June Cleavers of the 50's and 60's. It was now impossible for mommy to stay at home with the babies while daddy went out and made a living for them. I had to work so that we could eat and pay the bills at the same time. This was a necessary thing, I understand that, but daddys still seemed to live by the old rules. They went to work, came home, and their day was done. Such was not true for mommys. Going to work was the highlight of their day!! The real work started when they came home.
Things have changed even more these days, women have choices and this is a good thing. I'm jealous, but I am cheering them on,,,,every step of the way.
Marriage and a family were things one was expected to accomplish when I was growing up. Having come from a totally dysfunctional family, I probably tried as hard as anyone ever had to make sure my children grew up in as normal a family setting as was possible.
I didn't realize then how much more difficult things would be for me than they had been for the June Cleavers of the 50's and 60's. It was now impossible for mommy to stay at home with the babies while daddy went out and made a living for them. I had to work so that we could eat and pay the bills at the same time. This was a necessary thing, I understand that, but daddys still seemed to live by the old rules. They went to work, came home, and their day was done. Such was not true for mommys. Going to work was the highlight of their day!! The real work started when they came home.
Things have changed even more these days, women have choices and this is a good thing. I'm jealous, but I am cheering them on,,,,every step of the way.
Friday, April 18, 2003
Some things should be simple. Not everything you do in life has to turn into an adventure, does it? This morning Zach and I have been outside planting the little tulip trees. These babies are only 6 to 8 inches tall, really look like a couple of little twigs with roots. I tenderly set them on the front porch while I went about gathering my planting tools around back. I prepared the spot for the first tree, digging the hole, working the soil up nicely so the roots could move and grow freely, had my stake ready, my wire basket nearby. Then I go to get the first little tree. THE TREES ARE GONE!!! I look at the first suspect, but Zach says, "don't look at me, Molly and Princess did it!" So I start around the house looking for the next two likely suspects who are lying in the shade of a willow in the back yard looking all innocent. I search them, no trees. Next I called for Zach to help me do a yard search. We walked up and down, up and down and suddenly I see the little baggy things my trees had been shipped in, but no trees.( I'm muttering during this trek, wondering if dogs would eat trees, and suspecting that since they did eat the water hose, the answer was probably yes.)
FINALLY, the gods are smiling upon me!! There are my poor little trees, lying there on the ground, covered in dog slobbers, dirtless roots dangling, but still alive!! I hurriedly planted those babies and put wire baskets around them before those dogs got hungry again!!
FINALLY, the gods are smiling upon me!! There are my poor little trees, lying there on the ground, covered in dog slobbers, dirtless roots dangling, but still alive!! I hurriedly planted those babies and put wire baskets around them before those dogs got hungry again!!
My kids call me often. Not for any specific reason most of the time, but just to see if I'm still there I suspect. When my son calls and I answer the phone, his first words are always, "What are you doing?" and my reply is always, "nothing much, what are you doing?" The other night, I thought I'd try a different tactic when he called to see what would happen so in reply to his "what are you doing", I replied, "What am I supposed to be doing?" That threw him for a loop and it took him a few minutes to remember what he had called about. Heh, that'll teach him!!
While in town having dinner last night, I did a quick stopover at the supermarket again and bought my previously forgotten eggs. So now the egg dying is on again for tomorrow and the Easter Bunny will have the real thing to hide amongst the grass and weeds to be destroyed by the tiny little feet of the children in their haste to grab em up! I'm going to hide a few of those colorful goodies in my fridge cause last year I spent hours coloring eggs and didn't even get a bite of one.
The kinder terrorist is out of school today so we have plans to plant those trees that I've had for half a week now and haven't gotten to. The ad called them tulip trees and supposedly they grow up to 10 ft a year but I just want to see if they will survive the onslaught of farm chemicals, dust, droughts, wayward mowers, horse-sized dogs, and rampaging children. I wonder if the guarantee covers all that?
One year, I bought some perennial hibiscus and babied them until they gave birth to beautiful deep wine -colored blooms the size of dinner plates. For three years they faithfully came back and provided me with those lovely blooms. Then one Saturday, it happened. He was on his 11hp riding mower cutting the grass with a vengence and I allowed him to mow over the daffodils that had finally done their thing. Then I noticed the glads had completed their cycle too so I yelled over the roar of the mower to tell him that he could mow over the glads as well. Having forgotten, once again, that this man knows all there is to know about growing cash crops but nothing about flowering fauna (fuck, flora), I walked around to the back of the house. Ten long minutes later I came back to a scene so gory and heartbreaking that I went to my knees with a scream. He had just finished mowing down the last of my 3 hibiscus!! They were still blooming so nicely that it looked almost like a slaughter had taken place with the deep maroon bits of bloom amid the chewed up greenery! He noticed me finally, sitting in the middle of the yard sobbing and said, "what?".
My hibiscus bit the dust that day and never came back again and I'm still looking for replacements.
The kinder terrorist is out of school today so we have plans to plant those trees that I've had for half a week now and haven't gotten to. The ad called them tulip trees and supposedly they grow up to 10 ft a year but I just want to see if they will survive the onslaught of farm chemicals, dust, droughts, wayward mowers, horse-sized dogs, and rampaging children. I wonder if the guarantee covers all that?
One year, I bought some perennial hibiscus and babied them until they gave birth to beautiful deep wine -colored blooms the size of dinner plates. For three years they faithfully came back and provided me with those lovely blooms. Then one Saturday, it happened. He was on his 11hp riding mower cutting the grass with a vengence and I allowed him to mow over the daffodils that had finally done their thing. Then I noticed the glads had completed their cycle too so I yelled over the roar of the mower to tell him that he could mow over the glads as well. Having forgotten, once again, that this man knows all there is to know about growing cash crops but nothing about flowering fauna (fuck, flora), I walked around to the back of the house. Ten long minutes later I came back to a scene so gory and heartbreaking that I went to my knees with a scream. He had just finished mowing down the last of my 3 hibiscus!! They were still blooming so nicely that it looked almost like a slaughter had taken place with the deep maroon bits of bloom amid the chewed up greenery! He noticed me finally, sitting in the middle of the yard sobbing and said, "what?".
My hibiscus bit the dust that day and never came back again and I'm still looking for replacements.
Thursday, April 17, 2003
I swear!! One of these days I'm gonna get it all together if I can ever figure out where the hell it all went! I have a pda, postit notes, an organizer, and still can't manage to remember to do the things that I am supposed to do.
After working for a few hours this morning, my intentions were to stop at the supermarket and buy 3 dozen eggs for Easter. While there, I bought some frozen peas, some plastic eggs, ranch dip, carrots, and a magazine. I arrived home and remembered the REAL eggs, which I had forgotten. %%$#&&%$!!
After working for a few hours this morning, my intentions were to stop at the supermarket and buy 3 dozen eggs for Easter. While there, I bought some frozen peas, some plastic eggs, ranch dip, carrots, and a magazine. I arrived home and remembered the REAL eggs, which I had forgotten. %%$#&&%$!!
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
I WANT to blog every day, but I suffer from a lapse of anything interesting to write about a LOT! I get in a zone where I have to really concentrate to even think of the mudane events that go on around me sometimes. Not that those events take much thought really, but one does have to appear to be alive, doesn't one? In short, my life is pretty boring.
Today I woke up, looked around, said, "oh hell no", laid back down, went back to sleep. Then when I woke up again around 7 I had to do more in a shorter amount of time than I had intended to.
First there was the dreaded trip to Walmart to buy Easter goodies for the babies. I didn't dread buying the goodies, my dread is the local Walmart itself. ( Rude checkers, long lines, and the inability of those people to put things that belong together,,,TOGETHER!!) Besides, I think that my name is in their registers beside a 100 dollar total and a note that says, "DO NOT let this woman past this register for less than this amount, even if she only has a gallon of milk!!!
My next stop was at my little black man's house where I made out checks for the Improvement district bills and talked with his wife about poke salat and it's preparation. It's been years since I've had poke salat, so many years that I'm not really sure that is how you SPELL it. I seem to recall that it was pretty good stuff and a pain to prepare due to it's somewhat toxic properties if not done right.
Then I drove home where I logged on for a few minutes to see if Kat was around before I drove to pick up the kinderkid. I'm back again now, she's still nowhere to be found, and I'm still wounded and in shock over the loss of one of my favorite blog reads. (sniff,,sob,,,,)
Today I woke up, looked around, said, "oh hell no", laid back down, went back to sleep. Then when I woke up again around 7 I had to do more in a shorter amount of time than I had intended to.
First there was the dreaded trip to Walmart to buy Easter goodies for the babies. I didn't dread buying the goodies, my dread is the local Walmart itself. ( Rude checkers, long lines, and the inability of those people to put things that belong together,,,TOGETHER!!) Besides, I think that my name is in their registers beside a 100 dollar total and a note that says, "DO NOT let this woman past this register for less than this amount, even if she only has a gallon of milk!!!
My next stop was at my little black man's house where I made out checks for the Improvement district bills and talked with his wife about poke salat and it's preparation. It's been years since I've had poke salat, so many years that I'm not really sure that is how you SPELL it. I seem to recall that it was pretty good stuff and a pain to prepare due to it's somewhat toxic properties if not done right.
Then I drove home where I logged on for a few minutes to see if Kat was around before I drove to pick up the kinderkid. I'm back again now, she's still nowhere to be found, and I'm still wounded and in shock over the loss of one of my favorite blog reads. (sniff,,sob,,,,)
MORE TIPS FOR REDNECKS:
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Spring has sprung. Saw these wisteria on the side of the road on my way to work. They grow wild in some places which I suspect are old homesteads.
Uhhhhh,,,I need some uninterrupted sleep REALLY bad. After finally finding a spot that my back would allow me to lay on about 1:00 am, I slept in starts and stops all night. Maybe it's time to get serious about losing some major pounds to see if that won't ease the strain on my poor, old back.
I've been thinking a lot about my time in England since I blogged about it the other day. The twin friends keep popping into my head and it makes me wonder where they are and what they are doing 32 years down the road from then.
Linda and Lorna looked so unalike that it was difficult to even believe they were sisters. Linda took after her father's side of the family with blondish, curly hair, brown eyes, a small, delicate build, while Lorna was of sturdier stock, sporting dark, dark hair, blue eyes, with every hair on her body as straight as a 2X4. Linda looked as though she'd walked out of a fashion mag, even in her school uniform, Lorna as though she'd been in a street fight and lost. Of the two, Lorna and I were closer. Linda merely tolerated us, mainly because her mom figured her virtue would remain intact if Lorna and I tagged along.
One evening, at her mom's insistence, Linda allowed us accompany her on a hot date. The plan was to watch telly with the boyfriend since his parents were out of town so she was not at all happy with having us along. After an hour or so of kissy cuddle on the sofa with our giggles and snickers adding to the TVs' background noises, the boyfriend decided that he was hungry and that Lorna and I should go downstairs to the kitchen and make him a sandwich. We were all pissy about having to leave the live show but we tripped down the stairs to make Casanova his sandwich. I'm not sure which of us came up with the brilliant idea, but when we opened the fridge, the first thing we zeroed in on was an opened, tinfoil covered can of KitKat cat food. It looked like deviled ham, smelled like deviled ham, and it even spread like deviled ham on both sides of the bread slices.
Yep, we did it. We took that sandwich back to Linda's handsome date and watched him eat every bite along with the chips and pickle we'd thoughtfully put on the plate. Only then did we tell him what he'd just eaten. Linda didn't speak to us on the way home, or the next week, or the next. I seem to remember her mentioning that she'd rather die an old maid than to ever be seen with us again.
I've been thinking a lot about my time in England since I blogged about it the other day. The twin friends keep popping into my head and it makes me wonder where they are and what they are doing 32 years down the road from then.
Linda and Lorna looked so unalike that it was difficult to even believe they were sisters. Linda took after her father's side of the family with blondish, curly hair, brown eyes, a small, delicate build, while Lorna was of sturdier stock, sporting dark, dark hair, blue eyes, with every hair on her body as straight as a 2X4. Linda looked as though she'd walked out of a fashion mag, even in her school uniform, Lorna as though she'd been in a street fight and lost. Of the two, Lorna and I were closer. Linda merely tolerated us, mainly because her mom figured her virtue would remain intact if Lorna and I tagged along.
One evening, at her mom's insistence, Linda allowed us accompany her on a hot date. The plan was to watch telly with the boyfriend since his parents were out of town so she was not at all happy with having us along. After an hour or so of kissy cuddle on the sofa with our giggles and snickers adding to the TVs' background noises, the boyfriend decided that he was hungry and that Lorna and I should go downstairs to the kitchen and make him a sandwich. We were all pissy about having to leave the live show but we tripped down the stairs to make Casanova his sandwich. I'm not sure which of us came up with the brilliant idea, but when we opened the fridge, the first thing we zeroed in on was an opened, tinfoil covered can of KitKat cat food. It looked like deviled ham, smelled like deviled ham, and it even spread like deviled ham on both sides of the bread slices.
Yep, we did it. We took that sandwich back to Linda's handsome date and watched him eat every bite along with the chips and pickle we'd thoughtfully put on the plate. Only then did we tell him what he'd just eaten. Linda didn't speak to us on the way home, or the next week, or the next. I seem to remember her mentioning that she'd rather die an old maid than to ever be seen with us again.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Just a quickie for now. I've been outdoors this afternoon with posthole diggers trying to make a hole big enough to plant some wisteria vines. Now I've got one more load of laundry to fold, clothes to lay out for school and work tomorrow, and dinner to finish and I think the day will be near bout over. The temp rose to a nice 80 degrees today so I expect after the digging I'll need another bath too, what do you think? I'll be thinking about blogging while I'm tolling away at the tax office these next two days. Sorry about the rain up your way Kat!! Wish you could play like a trekker and beam yourself on down here!!
Saturday, April 12, 2003
I'm on this freaking relic of a puter at work today and I'm having to baby it along with little pats and softly uttered urgings in order to keep it from doing the "bad" thing. Also, since Tuesday is the deadline for taxes and the last day we'll be open this year, I'm down to one phone line so I try not to tie it up for very long.
I really enjoyed another trip down memory lane last evening and will try to answer the questions that were in my comments section.
I have not been back to England since I left there in February, 1971. While in Holland almost 8 years ago, I thought about going for a few days, but then decided against it because I really didn't think I'd have been satisfied with only a short trip so perhaps I'll do it someday.
The sights and sounds and experiences of just being in a country with such a long history were the best parts of my stay. I was not happy living with my father. My stepmother and I did not get along very well and my father was, and has always been, one of those people who can only seem to find fault and never the good in anyone. I spent 41 years of my life trying not to be "faulty" and finally said, "fuck it" and only then began to realize that all along it has been a problem with him and not me. (funny how I married someone VERY similar to him!).
While living with them during that time, brother # 4 arrived. I was almost 16 when he was born and he took to me like a little cuckleburr so I was like a second momma to him. I don't see my brothers too often now since I have only spoken to my father a couple of times in the past 7 years. The #2 brother has little to do with my father and I guess of the 4, he understands most how I feel.
I made friends with the kids in the area and had a few friends at school. My best friend was Susan, our landlord's daughter, with whom I still stay in touch. Her family was pretty much my lifeline when things were bad at home and I'll always be thankful that I had them. Her dad and brothers were the village butchers and since we lived just across the drive from the butcher shop, I'd often wake in the mornings to hear Mr. Day singing at the top of his voice as he got on with his chores.
Susan is very shy, very quiet, while I have never been shy and most certainly have never contained my enthusiasm for much of anything. She brought me down to earth, I took her on adventures. We were pretty much the Cheech and Chong of Alconbury Weston (without the joints). Since it was the late 60's and early 70's, we went to discos and occasionally a movie, or on shopping trips to the closest outdoor market, but mostly we just had a good time hanging out together. In exchange for shopping with her, she would go with me to the old churches and cemetaries that I liked wandering through.
Once we were at this disco where we ran into a guy that she had a huge crush on from school. Being the understanding friend that I was, I agreed to dance with his friend so that she could get to know this guy a little better. They asked if they could take us home and although I didn't like the friend at all I figured it wouldn't hurt as long as we stayed together. The contriving shits drove right past her house and parked in a little spot down by the river. I'm giving Susan these "eye" signals during this time and she is trying to pretend not to notice. The guys got out to pee and immediately I'm hanging over the back seat whispering, "what in the hell are they planning? Susan I'm not making out with this freak!!" She asked me to just go along with them for a little while so that maybe the guy would ask her out. I agreed and the boys are coming back to the car. As soon as that asshole I was stuck with opened the door, he made his move. He was on my side of the car before I could even say no so I pushed him. I guess he hadn't closed the door very well cause when I pushed, he was suddenly outside the car, on his back, with his feet still in the seat. Needless to say, when he got back in the car the date was over. They took us home in a hurry and Susan never did go out with that guy. But she only stayed pissed for a little while.
So there you go, the British Isles once entertained a country gal from Arkansas and they left their mark on her. And just maybe, she left a little bit of country there with them (grin).
I really enjoyed another trip down memory lane last evening and will try to answer the questions that were in my comments section.
I have not been back to England since I left there in February, 1971. While in Holland almost 8 years ago, I thought about going for a few days, but then decided against it because I really didn't think I'd have been satisfied with only a short trip so perhaps I'll do it someday.
The sights and sounds and experiences of just being in a country with such a long history were the best parts of my stay. I was not happy living with my father. My stepmother and I did not get along very well and my father was, and has always been, one of those people who can only seem to find fault and never the good in anyone. I spent 41 years of my life trying not to be "faulty" and finally said, "fuck it" and only then began to realize that all along it has been a problem with him and not me. (funny how I married someone VERY similar to him!).
While living with them during that time, brother # 4 arrived. I was almost 16 when he was born and he took to me like a little cuckleburr so I was like a second momma to him. I don't see my brothers too often now since I have only spoken to my father a couple of times in the past 7 years. The #2 brother has little to do with my father and I guess of the 4, he understands most how I feel.
I made friends with the kids in the area and had a few friends at school. My best friend was Susan, our landlord's daughter, with whom I still stay in touch. Her family was pretty much my lifeline when things were bad at home and I'll always be thankful that I had them. Her dad and brothers were the village butchers and since we lived just across the drive from the butcher shop, I'd often wake in the mornings to hear Mr. Day singing at the top of his voice as he got on with his chores.
Susan is very shy, very quiet, while I have never been shy and most certainly have never contained my enthusiasm for much of anything. She brought me down to earth, I took her on adventures. We were pretty much the Cheech and Chong of Alconbury Weston (without the joints). Since it was the late 60's and early 70's, we went to discos and occasionally a movie, or on shopping trips to the closest outdoor market, but mostly we just had a good time hanging out together. In exchange for shopping with her, she would go with me to the old churches and cemetaries that I liked wandering through.
Once we were at this disco where we ran into a guy that she had a huge crush on from school. Being the understanding friend that I was, I agreed to dance with his friend so that she could get to know this guy a little better. They asked if they could take us home and although I didn't like the friend at all I figured it wouldn't hurt as long as we stayed together. The contriving shits drove right past her house and parked in a little spot down by the river. I'm giving Susan these "eye" signals during this time and she is trying to pretend not to notice. The guys got out to pee and immediately I'm hanging over the back seat whispering, "what in the hell are they planning? Susan I'm not making out with this freak!!" She asked me to just go along with them for a little while so that maybe the guy would ask her out. I agreed and the boys are coming back to the car. As soon as that asshole I was stuck with opened the door, he made his move. He was on my side of the car before I could even say no so I pushed him. I guess he hadn't closed the door very well cause when I pushed, he was suddenly outside the car, on his back, with his feet still in the seat. Needless to say, when he got back in the car the date was over. They took us home in a hurry and Susan never did go out with that guy. But she only stayed pissed for a little while.
So there you go, the British Isles once entertained a country gal from Arkansas and they left their mark on her. And just maybe, she left a little bit of country there with them (grin).
Friday, April 11, 2003
I was born here in Arkansas, about 36 miles from where I now live, so I've been pretty much exposed to redneckdom my entire life. But I think I'm a different sort of redneck, maybe a redneck with a touch of culture. My dad wasn't much of a family man,(or actually maybe too much of one), but he gave me one thing,,, the chance to travel a bit and see, as well as experience, a little bit of the world.
When I was 3 we lived in North Carolina for a year. My youngest sister was born there. Then my dad went away for a couple of years, as he often did, and our next home with him was in Duluth, Minn. when I was around 6. He was in the Air Force and he liked the tours, so much so that he was often away somewhere without us. My mom had never been away from her family so all of this was especially difficult for her, and even more so when she had my two sisters and I. After my youngest sister was born, in between our time in NC and MN, my father did a tour in England where he met and lived with, and eventually impregnated, my soon to be Stepmom. I think my first half brother was born after my father was again with us while he was stationed in MN. As soon as we moved back to Arkansas after that tour ended, he was once again off to England to see his only son. The reunion must have been very rewarding for him because 13 months after the birth of my first half brother, the second half brother followed. As you can see, my father didn't waste much time! I think my mother tried to get him to come home long enough to sign divorce papers for several years, but it wasn't until I was 10 or so that they were actually divorced and he married my stepmother. I was about 11 before I knew of all of this and I didn't really understand much about it.(hell I was still playing with dolls, what did I know about all this shit?) By this time, half brother number 3 was also on the scene so my first glimpse of my "other" family came as quite a puzzling surprise.
In 1968 my father decided that he wanted to be a part of at least one of our lives. Since I was the oldest, he invited me to come live with he and his new family in England for their 3 year tour there. It was a very hard decision for me, I had never been away from my mom before, never been on a bus, a train, and certainly not a plane. But finally, since mom thought it would be a good opportunity for me, I went. Three planes, a bus, a dented up airforce station wagon later, I was in Alconbury Weston in Huntingdonshire, UK living in a 17th century thatched roof cottage with people I barely even knew. It was an experience for sure!
I loved the culture and I adored the scents of history that surrounded every minute of the 3 years that I lived there. I walked to catch the school bus on some of the same old cobbled streets as people had walked for hundreds of years. I loved the view of the little river and footbridge outside my bedroom window. The thick plaster walls and timbers in the low ceilings kept the cottage we lived in warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I still remember the smell of fresh bread in the air in the early mornings coming from the village bakery and the taste of the fresh veggies the green grocer brought around in his van one day a week. On Saturdays the fish-n-chip van came and we'd have battered rock cod with vinigary chips wrapped in newspaper.
My dad wasn't much of a father, but he did give me that.
When I was 3 we lived in North Carolina for a year. My youngest sister was born there. Then my dad went away for a couple of years, as he often did, and our next home with him was in Duluth, Minn. when I was around 6. He was in the Air Force and he liked the tours, so much so that he was often away somewhere without us. My mom had never been away from her family so all of this was especially difficult for her, and even more so when she had my two sisters and I. After my youngest sister was born, in between our time in NC and MN, my father did a tour in England where he met and lived with, and eventually impregnated, my soon to be Stepmom. I think my first half brother was born after my father was again with us while he was stationed in MN. As soon as we moved back to Arkansas after that tour ended, he was once again off to England to see his only son. The reunion must have been very rewarding for him because 13 months after the birth of my first half brother, the second half brother followed. As you can see, my father didn't waste much time! I think my mother tried to get him to come home long enough to sign divorce papers for several years, but it wasn't until I was 10 or so that they were actually divorced and he married my stepmother. I was about 11 before I knew of all of this and I didn't really understand much about it.(hell I was still playing with dolls, what did I know about all this shit?) By this time, half brother number 3 was also on the scene so my first glimpse of my "other" family came as quite a puzzling surprise.
In 1968 my father decided that he wanted to be a part of at least one of our lives. Since I was the oldest, he invited me to come live with he and his new family in England for their 3 year tour there. It was a very hard decision for me, I had never been away from my mom before, never been on a bus, a train, and certainly not a plane. But finally, since mom thought it would be a good opportunity for me, I went. Three planes, a bus, a dented up airforce station wagon later, I was in Alconbury Weston in Huntingdonshire, UK living in a 17th century thatched roof cottage with people I barely even knew. It was an experience for sure!
I loved the culture and I adored the scents of history that surrounded every minute of the 3 years that I lived there. I walked to catch the school bus on some of the same old cobbled streets as people had walked for hundreds of years. I loved the view of the little river and footbridge outside my bedroom window. The thick plaster walls and timbers in the low ceilings kept the cottage we lived in warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I still remember the smell of fresh bread in the air in the early mornings coming from the village bakery and the taste of the fresh veggies the green grocer brought around in his van one day a week. On Saturdays the fish-n-chip van came and we'd have battered rock cod with vinigary chips wrapped in newspaper.
My dad wasn't much of a father, but he did give me that.
I tend to get frustrated when confronted with aggravating people. When trying to do the paperwork last year when we bought this house, I had to deal with a new morgage company. One day I had to endure and audit with their representative over the telephone. The lady wanted to know where we'd gotten the money to make such a large down payment. I told her, from the bank. She insisted that the money was a cash payment and wanted to know where it originated so again I told her, from the bank. She kept on insisting that they had to know exactly where our funds were obtained. Finally I told the lady (and remember she asked for it!!), that I lived in a rural area and this was a very difficult thing to do, but I stood on the corner of our gravel road, all day long, and was able to do 50 sexual favors in return for the funds in which to make the down payment on my house. There was a dead silence on the line and then the lady said, "No really, where did the funds originate?"
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
George F. Will
I am a pessimist. I am also a procrastinator. But, take note, I am a pessimistic, procrastinator who is never late! (Unless outside forces take me prisoner). I'm always the last one dressed when a night out is on the docket. I never pack for a trip until the last minute and I put off paperwork until it just has to be done. I really don't think this is a bad thing, but someday I'd like to know what it feels like to have time to do things that I want to AFTER necessary things are done rather than doing the things I want to do BEFORE doing those that are necessary. I'm wondering if there is a difference?
One of the things I procrastinate about is making phone calls. It's sort of like getting up in the mornings, you know you have to, and once you are up things are fine, but it's the actual "putting your feet on the floor" that is the hard part. I love talking to my friends when they call me, and I enjoy our conversations if I am the one to dial them up, but the action of finding the phone and dialing the number is where I balk. Then there are the necessary calls that one has to make,, to the phone company for the 50th time about a noisy phone line, or to the bank about that unrecognized debit to your account,,,when I finally reach a human after pressing buttons for what seems like hours, I am put on hold again so that they can transfer me to another department who also puts me on hold. I do not LIKE being put on hold. They should realize the determination, the courage it took for me to pick up the phone to MAKE the call. How dare they put me on hold!! And then, when at last the human, who is supposed to have the answers, comes to the phone, I find myself repeating, for the umpteenth time, what the problem is. By this time, I am not human.
George F. Will
I am a pessimist. I am also a procrastinator. But, take note, I am a pessimistic, procrastinator who is never late! (Unless outside forces take me prisoner). I'm always the last one dressed when a night out is on the docket. I never pack for a trip until the last minute and I put off paperwork until it just has to be done. I really don't think this is a bad thing, but someday I'd like to know what it feels like to have time to do things that I want to AFTER necessary things are done rather than doing the things I want to do BEFORE doing those that are necessary. I'm wondering if there is a difference?
One of the things I procrastinate about is making phone calls. It's sort of like getting up in the mornings, you know you have to, and once you are up things are fine, but it's the actual "putting your feet on the floor" that is the hard part. I love talking to my friends when they call me, and I enjoy our conversations if I am the one to dial them up, but the action of finding the phone and dialing the number is where I balk. Then there are the necessary calls that one has to make,, to the phone company for the 50th time about a noisy phone line, or to the bank about that unrecognized debit to your account,,,when I finally reach a human after pressing buttons for what seems like hours, I am put on hold again so that they can transfer me to another department who also puts me on hold. I do not LIKE being put on hold. They should realize the determination, the courage it took for me to pick up the phone to MAKE the call. How dare they put me on hold!! And then, when at last the human, who is supposed to have the answers, comes to the phone, I find myself repeating, for the umpteenth time, what the problem is. By this time, I am not human.
Thursday, April 10, 2003
One Of Us
A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."
A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."
Redneck Poet
The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
Top 15 Redneck Porno Movies in Redneck Jokes
15. I Know You Done Your Sister Last Summer
14. Turn Her and Hooch
13. Urban Cow, Boy!
12. Debbie Does Dullards
11. I Am Curious, Ol' Yeller
10. 9 1/2 Teeth
9. The Silence of the Sheep (God Willing)
8. Nasty NASCAR Nimphama--, uh, Nymfama--, uh, Crazy Nekkid Gals!
7. Deep Goat
6. Crouchin' Brother, His'n Sister
5. Auntie Get Your Gums
4. The Girl Who Could Not Run Faster Than Her Brothers
3. Behind the Green Teeth
2. Bob and Carol and Bessie and Babe
1. Three Men and a (Ned) Beatty
15. I Know You Done Your Sister Last Summer
14. Turn Her and Hooch
13. Urban Cow, Boy!
12. Debbie Does Dullards
11. I Am Curious, Ol' Yeller
10. 9 1/2 Teeth
9. The Silence of the Sheep (God Willing)
8. Nasty NASCAR Nimphama--, uh, Nymfama--, uh, Crazy Nekkid Gals!
7. Deep Goat
6. Crouchin' Brother, His'n Sister
5. Auntie Get Your Gums
4. The Girl Who Could Not Run Faster Than Her Brothers
3. Behind the Green Teeth
2. Bob and Carol and Bessie and Babe
1. Three Men and a (Ned) Beatty
I was leaving Walmart (my most favorite place to visit) and overheard an old guy telling this younger guy that if he didn't stop living with his girlfriend and marry her, he was going to hell. I had to bite my lip to keep from saying,,"Oh yeah, why wait, marry her and live in hell NOW!!" Not having a good day today, can you tell?
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Famous Last Words
"Bet you can't do this."
"Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden
"Hey ya'll, watch this!"
All you have to do is connect these two wires.
Are you sure the power is off?
Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing?
C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!
"Bet you can't do this."
"Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden
"Hey ya'll, watch this!"
All you have to do is connect these two wires.
Are you sure the power is off?
Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing?
C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!
Redneck Drunk Driving
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" ....
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" ....
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
I actually had a decent time last night. The casinos are not my favorite passtime but for a good meal, which won't break the pocketbook, they are good upon occasion. We drove the hour to Robinsonville in Tunica County, Mississippi in order to go to the Grand Casino which normally has a very large variety of well prepared food on their buffet. I love seafood, could eat it twice a week at least, so during the ride over my mouth was watering with thoughts of nice juicy shrimp and a big salad bouncing around in my head. Wouldn't you know it though, since the last time we were there about a month ago, they've taken it upon themselves to only serve the shrimp and crab legs only on Friday and Saturday nights. That was sucky but I did enjoy the oriental bar which had some great mussels steamed in some sort of spicy sauce, mmmmmmmmm.
Our hosts, our neighbors, Jeffrey and Georgie, are the part of our family without the blood connection. They bought the house next door from hubby's parents cause we had bought this property the year earlier. Having lived here all his life, hubby knew Jeffrey's family from wayyy back, but I only met him when I worked with him for 7 years back in the 80's and early 90,s, I came to know Georgie when he brought her into my office and said "we're getting married Saturday" back about the same time. So they are sort of like younger brother, and much younger sister in our extended family.
There is noone like Jeffrey. That's a fact and there can be very little else added to it. Describing Jeffrey would be damned near impossible due to the fact that there is no other like him but once you are around him for a short time you would notice that Jeffrey has a thing for big tits. I've never understood why he didn't marry big tits, hell he's had two chances since he's been married twice, but he didn't, so I will have to suppose that although he has this thing for big chests, in reality he's afraid of actually getting his hands on a set. Therefore I am the object of his adoration (or rather my chest is).
From the time they picked us up last eve at 4 pm until they dropped us off at 10 pm, Jeffrey made no less than 10 comments on my chest. When I had problems getting into the truck (cause the fucker is too high off the ground for people with short legs) he remarked that if I could just get my top part in, the rest would follow due to gravity. When placing my napkin in my lap at dinner, he remarked that I should put one up top cause if I missed a bite that's where it would land first and it went on and on. I once told him, that I'd show him my tits for $100.00, in cash, and in my hand. But since he's never come up with the cash, I guess I'll make a will and leave them to him, stuffed and mounted, and ready for his den wall upon my death.
Our hosts, our neighbors, Jeffrey and Georgie, are the part of our family without the blood connection. They bought the house next door from hubby's parents cause we had bought this property the year earlier. Having lived here all his life, hubby knew Jeffrey's family from wayyy back, but I only met him when I worked with him for 7 years back in the 80's and early 90,s, I came to know Georgie when he brought her into my office and said "we're getting married Saturday" back about the same time. So they are sort of like younger brother, and much younger sister in our extended family.
There is noone like Jeffrey. That's a fact and there can be very little else added to it. Describing Jeffrey would be damned near impossible due to the fact that there is no other like him but once you are around him for a short time you would notice that Jeffrey has a thing for big tits. I've never understood why he didn't marry big tits, hell he's had two chances since he's been married twice, but he didn't, so I will have to suppose that although he has this thing for big chests, in reality he's afraid of actually getting his hands on a set. Therefore I am the object of his adoration (or rather my chest is).
From the time they picked us up last eve at 4 pm until they dropped us off at 10 pm, Jeffrey made no less than 10 comments on my chest. When I had problems getting into the truck (cause the fucker is too high off the ground for people with short legs) he remarked that if I could just get my top part in, the rest would follow due to gravity. When placing my napkin in my lap at dinner, he remarked that I should put one up top cause if I missed a bite that's where it would land first and it went on and on. I once told him, that I'd show him my tits for $100.00, in cash, and in my hand. But since he's never come up with the cash, I guess I'll make a will and leave them to him, stuffed and mounted, and ready for his den wall upon my death.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
You might belong to a redneck church if,,,,,,
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the multitudes, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch em.
3. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the pump organ set the coon dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized washtub.
14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) The Happy Hawg Bar-B-Q.
15. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '53 DeSoto
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the multitudes, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch em.
3. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the pump organ set the coon dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized washtub.
14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) The Happy Hawg Bar-B-Q.
15. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '53 DeSoto
Someone sent me this a while ago and I thought I'd share it since it makes for a few good laughs when things get boring. Redneck Neighbor is not for the weak of heart.
I went to sleep on a warm spring eve and woke to a cold, artic bluster this morning. I'm sitting here now, looking out my window at my poor little plants who've been struggling to overcome being sprinkled with chemicals and now are bravely waving their little petals and frilly leaves in this northern gale.I hope they don't freeze their little roots off. The high today is supposed to be about 50 which is about 20 degrees below what my thermal indicators prefer so I think I'll put on a pot of beans and keep my butt indoors today. What do you think?
I went to sleep on a warm spring eve and woke to a cold, artic bluster this morning. I'm sitting here now, looking out my window at my poor little plants who've been struggling to overcome being sprinkled with chemicals and now are bravely waving their little petals and frilly leaves in this northern gale.I hope they don't freeze their little roots off. The high today is supposed to be about 50 which is about 20 degrees below what my thermal indicators prefer so I think I'll put on a pot of beans and keep my butt indoors today. What do you think?
Monday, April 07, 2003
Whilst chatting with Kat a few minutes ago, we got on the topic of some of the "old ways". I insinuated that my grandmother loved her cures and pretty much had the attitude that "if it don't kill ya, it'll cure ya". We weren't allowed to go without our shoes until May 1st, and had to be shod again by October 1st. Tee shirts were worn under our clothes from Oct to May and about March every year we got our annual "wormin" which consisted of a drop or two of turpentine in a spoonful of sugar. (I've since read that turpentine is toxic but I'm living proof that it's not so). We also had to take a tablespoon of Grovers Chill Tonic every morning during the winter months. I'm pretty sure that this stuff was what put the "Snake" in Snake Oil. It was a puke gray colored liquid with little black, crunchy bits in it that seemed to find their way back into your teeth all during the day. I feel real sure, now that I'm older and wiser, that these flecks were charcoal or some derivative. I'm also real sure that it would not meet the FDA's approval these days.
Whew,,,after a rainy, nasty day yesterday, when I didn't get out of my PJ's all day or even think too hard, it's turned out to be a nice day today. We went to town to shop for a few more tomato plants and I found some dear little animals to put in my flower boxes. Then we moved two concrete planters to the front and I put my overage of plants purchased for my flower boxes in those. Looks quite nice.
While moseying around outdoors I noticed my azeleas (I only planted these 2 wks ago) are looking like death warmed over, then upon wandering further, I find the leaves of my iris's are singed, the radishes dying, leaves looking spotty on my willow,,,,,,,THOSE ASSHOLES, in all that wind last week, must've sprayed herbicides again and the drift got me. I don't know why I bother. Every year I put out my plants and every year they do this to me!!! Ok, that's it!! Tomorrow I'm calling the State Plant Board. Enough of this!
While moseying around outdoors I noticed my azeleas (I only planted these 2 wks ago) are looking like death warmed over, then upon wandering further, I find the leaves of my iris's are singed, the radishes dying, leaves looking spotty on my willow,,,,,,,THOSE ASSHOLES, in all that wind last week, must've sprayed herbicides again and the drift got me. I don't know why I bother. Every year I put out my plants and every year they do this to me!!! Ok, that's it!! Tomorrow I'm calling the State Plant Board. Enough of this!
Saturday, April 05, 2003
LOL, it's not a good idea to dare me to do too much!! I seem to remember winning a dare and a few dollars from a copter pilot in a club parking lot once. Friend Timm of the wonderful redneck jokes says,,,,,,,
"How's it going? Since you introduced me to blog, I figured I'd write one. I don't feel inclined to start one myself, but feel free to put this one of mine in yours. I dare you!!
I was just sitting here naked contemplating my penis (men do that you know). While it's not especially large, I find it a magnificent instrument. It enables me to just walk up to the toilet, aim and pee. Don't have to half undress, sit down, wipe or any of that crap. Just a little shake and it's good to go. Of course it's other function is equally remarkable. I still don't understand how filling it with blood makes it stiff and hard, I'm just thankful that still happens. And the arrow shaped design make entrance to the desired orifice easy. It does tend to make a mess when it explodes, but being a man, I couldn't care less. Just try to do it on her side of the bed (we plan that you know). Since I realize that laying in the "wet spot" is every woman's dream cum true, I try to oblige. Yes, I must say that my little dick is a most marvelous organ. It's the balls I don't understand. Why couldn't they have been put inside? Other than giving women something to kick, I see no purpose in them just dangling there below the wonderful wand. Oh well, I didn't design things. We just use what we got. I feel sorry for you women because I know deep inside, you all suffer from "penis envy" and wish you had more than just an opening between your legs. Sorry, you can't have mine (except to borrow). Perhaps this explains she-males (chicks with dicks). Well, we won't go there."
"How's it going? Since you introduced me to blog, I figured I'd write one. I don't feel inclined to start one myself, but feel free to put this one of mine in yours. I dare you!!
I was just sitting here naked contemplating my penis (men do that you know). While it's not especially large, I find it a magnificent instrument. It enables me to just walk up to the toilet, aim and pee. Don't have to half undress, sit down, wipe or any of that crap. Just a little shake and it's good to go. Of course it's other function is equally remarkable. I still don't understand how filling it with blood makes it stiff and hard, I'm just thankful that still happens. And the arrow shaped design make entrance to the desired orifice easy. It does tend to make a mess when it explodes, but being a man, I couldn't care less. Just try to do it on her side of the bed (we plan that you know). Since I realize that laying in the "wet spot" is every woman's dream cum true, I try to oblige. Yes, I must say that my little dick is a most marvelous organ. It's the balls I don't understand. Why couldn't they have been put inside? Other than giving women something to kick, I see no purpose in them just dangling there below the wonderful wand. Oh well, I didn't design things. We just use what we got. I feel sorry for you women because I know deep inside, you all suffer from "penis envy" and wish you had more than just an opening between your legs. Sorry, you can't have mine (except to borrow). Perhaps this explains she-males (chicks with dicks). Well, we won't go there."
REDNECK TOILET PAPER?
Two rednecks were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one
turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So, they
stopped the truck and he went behind some bushes.
When he returned to the truck, the other guy remarked, "That was fast!"
"Well, I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with," he
replied.
The other explained, "All you have to do is use a dollar to wipe your
ass."
"Good idea," he said, as he headed back to the bushes.
A short while later, he returned to the truck with a really upset look on
his face, and said, "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all
over my hands, but now I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"
Two rednecks were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one
turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So, they
stopped the truck and he went behind some bushes.
When he returned to the truck, the other guy remarked, "That was fast!"
"Well, I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with," he
replied.
The other explained, "All you have to do is use a dollar to wipe your
ass."
"Good idea," he said, as he headed back to the bushes.
A short while later, he returned to the truck with a really upset look on
his face, and said, "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all
over my hands, but now I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"
For the past couple of days I haven't been feeling my best, it's been as though I were at the bottom of a barrel looking up. I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes so now I have a desk full of partially completed projects, a spot-cleaned house, enough clean laundry to just get by, and plenty of work waiting on this spell of lathargic dead ass to pass.
I woke up on the couch this morning to the sounds of war news on the television. (I haven't slept in my bed for many nights due to the hubby's weird noises). The subject seemed to be about a battle that happened yesterday between their tanks and our tanks. The officer was actually talking about how "high" the troops were because of the victory. I'm thinking, in my dull, sleep deprived brain, how can they DO that? People were killed, doesn't matter who's side they were on, they DIED, so you feel a high? I'm imagining this scene and it sort of resembles how the fans feel after a 49ers victory.
Let them put faces with these statistics. Take out 24 tanks? Well hell, how many living, breathing, humans were in those tanks? I'm wondering just how gung-ho the American public would be if shown the faces of the dead. Of course we could look on the bright side. Think of all of the jobs that this war is creating. All of those blown-to-hell buildings and other properties will have to be reconstructed and who more able than our workforce to do the job? Of course they'll be paid with that tax money that we're scrambling to send it right now.
Hmmmm, I've gotta do some thinkin about this.
I woke up on the couch this morning to the sounds of war news on the television. (I haven't slept in my bed for many nights due to the hubby's weird noises). The subject seemed to be about a battle that happened yesterday between their tanks and our tanks. The officer was actually talking about how "high" the troops were because of the victory. I'm thinking, in my dull, sleep deprived brain, how can they DO that? People were killed, doesn't matter who's side they were on, they DIED, so you feel a high? I'm imagining this scene and it sort of resembles how the fans feel after a 49ers victory.
Let them put faces with these statistics. Take out 24 tanks? Well hell, how many living, breathing, humans were in those tanks? I'm wondering just how gung-ho the American public would be if shown the faces of the dead. Of course we could look on the bright side. Think of all of the jobs that this war is creating. All of those blown-to-hell buildings and other properties will have to be reconstructed and who more able than our workforce to do the job? Of course they'll be paid with that tax money that we're scrambling to send it right now.
Hmmmm, I've gotta do some thinkin about this.
Friday, April 04, 2003
I'm feeling so clever this morning!! I posted my cemetary pics and a few more on a new site and didn't screw up too often. Look to your left and click on the site or just click here and it will take you on a short tour of the delta. I reckon I can use this site on the occasions that I need to emphasis what I'm trying to say here. (and boy do I need the help sometimes!)
Thursday, April 03, 2003
My friend Timm sent me these the other day. This is the updated version of redneckdom (heh)
You Might Be A Redneck - 2003 Edition
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
5. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
6. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
7. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
8. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
9. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
10. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 11. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
12. You have a rag for a gas cap.
13. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
14. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
15. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
16. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
17. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
20. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
21. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
22. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop alwaysbrings you home.
23. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
24. You think fast food is hitting a squirrel at 65 mph.
You Might Be A Redneck - 2003 Edition
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
5. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
6. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
7. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
8. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
9. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
10. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 11. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
12. You have a rag for a gas cap.
13. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
14. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
15. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
16. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
17. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
20. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
21. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
22. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop alwaysbrings you home.
23. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
24. You think fast food is hitting a squirrel at 65 mph.
After about 10 rounds of "why do I have to go to school" with the kindergarden terrorist this morning, we were finally out the door and on our way. I dropped the kid off at school and made myself go on into town to work for a few hours. Nothing broke down today so by 11 or so I was able to get the hell outta there and go spend 15 relaxing, naked, minutes in the tanning bed before I went over to Helena (I'd been in West Helena) to pick up a prescription and meet a friend for lunch. A steak slam (yummy) and a serving of vinigar and salt chips later, friend and I drove over to the Confederate cemetary as we'd never been there. It's located behind the Catholic Cemetary (where I had been before), on top of Crowley's Ridge. It's just turning spring here so the dogwood and wisteria are in bloom and this made the drive through there quite nice. I took out my camera and got a few nice shots,,,in two you can see the Mississippi River in the far background. I'll post these to my website as soon as I have a little time so you can see a little of my spot in the delta.
Now I'm at home, looking at all of these dreaded returns that I MUST finish, and reports that I MUST do tonight and tomorrow. We also have to practice writing our numbers by 5's and 10's to a hundred for another kindergarden test next Thursday. Oh shit,,and I have to cook dinner again, didn't I just DO that???
I really, really, REALLY enjoyed reading all of my favorite blogs today. I couldn't wait to get home and dive into them. Now my day is complete.
Now I'm at home, looking at all of these dreaded returns that I MUST finish, and reports that I MUST do tonight and tomorrow. We also have to practice writing our numbers by 5's and 10's to a hundred for another kindergarden test next Thursday. Oh shit,,and I have to cook dinner again, didn't I just DO that???
I really, really, REALLY enjoyed reading all of my favorite blogs today. I couldn't wait to get home and dive into them. Now my day is complete.
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Twas a busy day yesterday. I put it off until I had to, but finally took my old lazy butt to town to run my errands. The trip to Walmart went half way right but I couldn't find everything I went after. Then there was the frustration of it being the 1st of the month and I had once again forgotten this fact and ended up standing in line forever and a day. I found some plants to put in my flower boxes and did my kind deed of the day by upgrading the ram in my son's computer then drove home to fight the wind in order to set out the plants. A tiring but nice day in all.
Last night my grandson called. He stays with his mom for two days a week to give Nanny a much needed rest. He had to tell me about his Spring school portraits of which he was very proud. I had told him not to do that fake smile of his during this exposure so the first thing he told me was that he didn't have a "snake" smile and also mentioned that his picture was "gordous" (you figure that one out!)
Today I'm kicking back and taking it easy until time to pick Zach up at school. Then the excitement begins.....
Last night my grandson called. He stays with his mom for two days a week to give Nanny a much needed rest. He had to tell me about his Spring school portraits of which he was very proud. I had told him not to do that fake smile of his during this exposure so the first thing he told me was that he didn't have a "snake" smile and also mentioned that his picture was "gordous" (you figure that one out!)
Today I'm kicking back and taking it easy until time to pick Zach up at school. Then the excitement begins.....
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