Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Day, 3 ,& 4, and home Sunday!

We piddled around some Friday morning and then decided to find a river/stream to laze by and in for awhile.

Later we went home and the kids took a dip while we cooked some ribs on the grill.

Saturday we ladies hit some garage sales while the men folk played horse shoes and cards. The only photo I took was of this cat with great attitude. I got dizzy looking into his eyes. In my mind I decided that his owner should have named him Cleeter cause he just LOOKs like a Cleeter to me.

On our way home Sunday we followed my sister to the mountain she just bought with some friends of hers. She has plans to build a cabin there some day. It's about 10 miles from a little stop in the road, and over 20 to the nearest town. There's a trail leading up to the property with a few spots of gravel or rock here and there on it. I told her I'd visit her up there when the cabin was built and she had a bathroom (I know squatting up there is where I got some of my chiggers!) and a coffee pot. I wouldn't have made a happy pioneer folks.

The End.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Day 2 of Vacation

Thursday A.M. Bass Pro Shop in Springfield.

We had a fine time shopping.
Besides, we had to appease Bubbie so he wouldn't mind our afternoon plans.

Thursday P.M. drive through an Exotic Animal Park

This was fun. We couldn't get out of the car but after a few yards into the park I understood why. We were swamped by hungry (or greedy) animals looking for their bite of whatever-god-awful food that was in the bags.

There were lots of ostriches and emus. The owner told us we could run over the big, black ostrich and cook him on the grill for supper and he'd be greatly appreciative but he must have heard him cause we didn't see the big, black one. This fella was pretty pushy. He stuck his head right into the car looking for his food when we were too slow in passing it out to him.

We called this guy Larry Llama.

And this little fella Earnie Emu

We didn't get to know this old guy well enough to name him. He got close to the car and we were pushing buttons to roll up the windows cause he smelled like he'd been rode hard and put up wet,,,TWICE!!

They had a little pond with paddle boats in the park where everyone cooled off and then while Alexis and I watched, the older kids drove a few laps on the go carts. (no photos of that, sorry)

We asked the park owner about the nutritional qualities of the animal food due to the several ounces of the stuff that the Chickie insisted on consuming. He promised that it was child safe.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Continuation of Day 1.

After leaving the Natural Bridge, we stopped in a little hill town called Marshall for gourmet Pizza Hut pizza. The reason I refer to it as gourmet is not due to the delectable quality of the pizza but to the nearly have to sell your soul price of the shitty pizza they served. And did I mention that they did not serve beer, Marshall being in a dry county and all? I guess this could have been called a good thing since half our food budget would have been left in that little spot in the road and as it was only a third of it was deposited there.

The last 4 hours of the drive is far from boring since up or down every mountain and around each twisting curve in the road is a little surprises such as the horse barn above.

We finally made it to my sister's and were ready for a snack and to catch up on the family gossip.

Paula and Jerri

This is Sparky, my sister's minpin who was happy to have someone her own size to play with when Alexis arrived.

Ms. Alexis made herself right at home in Sparky's kennel.

I'm home!

We made it in about 8 p.m. last evening and were greeted about 30 minutes from home with rain. James said it rained almost every day that we were gone. Of course we were happy that it stayed down here and we had lovely weather during our entire trip.

I'm still working on the photos. My memory card ran out and I didn't get to take some of the photos that I intended to but I still got several good ones, so I'll try to post a few of those over the next few days.

On our way up on Wednesday we stopped at the site of a natural bridge located near Clinton, Arkansas. It was a winding drive down the mountain to a spot near the bottom of a gorge where we found a little cabin-like entrance to the trail. There was only one other car there when we arrived so we had a quiet stroll along the trail.

Zach scooted down this little garden-side hill and later we would learn that he got one of the worst case of chiggers this Nanny has ever seen. I acquired a couple of the critter bites myself just from the stroll down the trail so imagine his misery since he was covered from ears to waist!

I've decided that while the mountains in Arkansas and Missouri are lovely to look at, I think I'd rather fight the mosquitos and occasional normal chigger here in the delta rather than the monster chiggers and blood sucking ticks in them thar hills!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I'm one of those G.R.I.T.S. (Girls Raised in the South)

In a bit, which means whenever my son and his wife get their shit together and comes by, we'll be going to them there hills so I'm gonna leave ya'll with some more of that southern wisdom.

I know I've posted something like this before but something just makes me "pleased as punch" of my southern heritage and I love to get things like these in my email and share them. (even if it is over and over sometimes).

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the
most awful kind of insult as long as it's prefaced
with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As
in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of
a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway."
Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat
an apple through a picket fence."

As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult
can't be all that bad.I was thinking about this the other
day when a friend was telling about her
new Transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her
toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern
accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart,
cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was
justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had
CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?"
said her friend.

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends
are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their
perspective, their friendships and their recipes for
authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past
their endless complaints that you can't find good bread
down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like

And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying
something is "right much," "right close," or "right good"
because non-natives think this is right funny and
hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to
the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a
giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts,
they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly,
but she could've stayed home."

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:

1. Drinking straight out of a can.

2. Not sending thank you notes.

3. Velvet after February.

4. White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day

5. Do not 'pass gas' in public. (Well yes, they really do, but they look at the person next to them in shock and smile coyly)

6. Absolutely NEVER sleep with a man on a first date! (they get up and go home to do their sleeping!) A true southern belle never lets the man she's after see her first thing in the morning until she's 'got' him.

7. Never have a gray hair until they're darn ready to have one!

Southern girls always say:

1. "Yes, ma'am."

2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:

1. "Y'all come back! now ya heaah,"

2. "Well, bless your heart."

3. "Drop by when you can."

4. "How's your mother?"

5. "Love your hair."

Southern girls know their three R's!:

1. Rich

2. Richer

3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody's first name:

1. Honey

2. Darlin'

3. Sugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:

1. "Gone With the Wind"

2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"

3. "Driving Miss Daisy"

4. "Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern


1. Hotlanta or Adlanna =( Atlanta as outsiders say)

2. Richmon

3. Challston

4. S'vannah

5. Birminham

6. Nawlins'

7. OH! And that city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:

1. Bad hair

2. Bad manners

3. Bad blind dates

In case you know any southern ladies---

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia, the other from Alabama, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion. The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The lady from Alabama commented. "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the drive." Again, the belle from Alabama commented, "Well, isn't that nice??" The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second of the ladies commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Alabama belle. "Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?" The Alabamian responded, "So that instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that nice?"

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Trying to get it done.

The Chick and Zach are in his room with popcicles in hand watching Spiderman on his TV while Blues Clues blares on the TV in the livingroom. I thought I'd sneak in here with a cup of coffee and take a teeny, tiny break.

There are pinto beans on the stove cooking, laundry to be taken out of the dryer and more in the washer to be dried. Then there are decisions to make about what to take to wear on our short trip and the packing to do. It's raining off and on today so the things I had planned to do outdoors will have to wait until I come home sometime during the weekend.

It's going to be so nice to drive through the Ozarks and see some hills. It's so flat here in the delta so you can imagine the awe in which we view even mountains as small as ours are in Northern Arkansas.

The Chick just came in and smeared me with a sour apple lollipop so I'd best go see where she disposed of the popcicle.

Monday, June 21, 2004

About those legs.

Those young legs you were viewing in the Chickie photo belonged to my daughter-in-law, Jerri. My legs are a few good years older and wider healthier.

I'm adding new friends to my prayer list.

God Bless Dora, Sponge Bob, and Blues Clues. Amen.

Our sweet, adorable, darling, little Chick slapped the bag boy's hands today and said, "NO, NO" when he attempted to push out my cart full of groceries. I guess she's particular about who pushes her rides.


I uttered those two little sounds and I'm sure I've set the scene for the next two days to be far from boring. I told my son I'd sit with the Chick today and tomorrow.

This young lady is 16 months old and has already got a headstart on her "terrible twos". She just goes and goes and goes with no need of a nap these days. (Although anyone keeping up with her needs several).

After only a few hours with her, I know why God eventually takes away the ability to have children as we grow older. It just ain't natural to have the stamina to keep up with them at that age when you're old as dirt.

If I don't get around to visit all of my favorite blogs as frequently as I want to, I hope I'll be forgiven since I'll be receiving my just rewards from being here with the Terrorist AND the Chick.

I'm not sure why the last photo shows up as a link but ya'll can click if you want to see the two "angels" together.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

The weekend

It's been pretty much the same around here as far as weekends go. Someone in and out all the time and tussling with Zach over one thing or another. James didn't have to work this weekend so I'm actually dealing with 2 kids instead of just one.

My sister just called to see when we'd be up there on Wednesday and we talked about a few things that we'll do during our visit. Ya'll wish us luck, Jerri and I will be 6 hrs in a car with Bubbie, Alexis, and Zach. I hope we'll maintain our sanity during the trip. If anyone sees a crazy lady wandering along Hwy. 65 heading up to Springfield, Missouri you'll know that I bailed out when the going got too rough.

I took a few Sunday photos so I'm going to post them and wish everyone a Happy Sunday!

Miss Chickie

Mr. Toad

Mr. Toad and the Terrorist

Friday, June 18, 2004

We don't have to wait for hell,

we're there. May God be with his family.

Paul Johnson, Jr.
this is an audio post - click to play

A Sex Test for Rednecks

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False

The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False

A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

Semen is a term for sailors. True or False

Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False

Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False

Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False

An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False

Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False

Pornography is the business of making records. True or False

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Life's Truths

On Government Doings

Fighting for peace is like f___ing for virginity.

I asked for universal health care and all I got was this lousy stealth bomber.

The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

Dont be mad at your government. They haven't done anything.

Murphy's Laws

When you believe you have seen the utmost of one's stupidity they never cease to amaze you and go one step further.

If you have a 50% chance of being right, you're wrong 90% of the time.

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&* upside the head

If you hold a hammer in your hand, everything around you will look like a nail.

If you try to be better than worse, you'll be better at being worse.

Clicking your heels three times means you've fallen and can't get up.

Things can't get worse if you were born an Amazon pygmy cannibal

In view of the current work-load, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.

Man is the only animal able to retrace his steps to make the same mistakes previously avoided.

Even the darkest hour has only 60 minutes.

Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.

If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?

if a man has it he won't want it,
the guy who buys it won't use it,
the guy who uses it could give a shit about it,
so don't give a shit and you will have it all.

If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.

Marriage is like a dog with a bone, he might not touch it, just doesn't let another dogs come near it.

On Maturity

Midlife brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Only people from the South will understand this.

There was this fellow from Arkansas who had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
round and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.

They shoot old horses don't they?

I was just refilling the various shampoo bottles in both bathrooms from the larger bulk bottles I buy to avoid having to buy 3 different bottles shampoo every darned week. I've lost one. I've searched everywhere (even the microwave and fridge) and I don't know whereinthehell I put it!

Now before you ask, "Why would this crazy broad look in the fridge and microwave"?, let me tell you that this crazy broad has been known to find different lost items in the fridge before. The dumbest of which was maxipads. My subconscious figured I needed cooling off I reckon.

Anyhow, I decided I'd best take a break before I lose something really important today.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I love my country life but....

there are a few little irritations that come with country livin.

1. The same sweet, little, frolicking, baby, rabbits that you enjoy watching as you sit outside in late afternoon will wait until night to take bites out of that tomato that you've been patiently waiting to ripen.

2. Those same sweet, little, frolicking, bunnies will also eat the bark off the bottom of your cypress tree.

3. You are stuck with a dial-up connection unless you want to sell your soul to one of those satellite internet thingies.

4. Your dial-up is at the mercy of big-ass tractors who's drivers sleep as they make their way down the road and in the process take out your mail box and the main phone box down the road. The weather and kids who like to use anything sticking up out of the ground for target practice wreck their havoc too.

5. Since you live in the country where there are no laws about animals, you run across the grass and across the road to your rural mail box (the one that's laying in the ditch) and suddenly have to do an olympic long jump over the smelly logs (enough to build a cabin!) that the neighbor's St.Bernard walked over a hundred yards to deposit in your yard.

6. When you're at a little league ball game and you lock your keys in the truck, you find out that the park is about 100 yards outside the city limits and the city police won't come out. You also find out, after you've stood in the rain beside your locked truck for an hour, that the sheriff's department does not have the tools to unlock the door and there's no locksmith within a 70 mile radius.

7. When you cry, standing in the rain beside your locked truck, most people give you a sympathetic glance and walk right on by because they already know what you didn't know about the city limits and the sheriff department's lack of unlock tools.

8. Telephone repairs in the country are usually put at the bottom of the repair list but they do work past 5 p.m.

I'm sure there's more but right now I'm peeking out the window at an unobstructed country view of the lovely sun setting after a day of rain and clouds. AND my phone line is fixed so I can post this!


Country Boys Can Survive

A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

Monday, June 14, 2004

The fruits of Sunday labor

I'm going to hell for working like this, ya'll pray for me.


My cous sent this to me this morning and I think ya'll might appreciate it.


Sunday, June 13, 2004

Two Bitchy Witchy Days

On Friday evening I promised Zach that I'd take him to Jerri and Bubbie's for a swim in their big, new, inflatable pool on Saturday. Bubbie called early Saturday morning to say that he was cooking on the grill also so we should come earlier than planned. I called James before we left to ask how long he'd be in the field and to tell him to meet us over there when he was through. He told me he'd probably be done by 2 or so.

At 4, he still wasn't there so I was pretty perturbed since that meant he wouldn't be coming and I'd be cooking dinner when I got home. We arrived back home at 4:30 and he came in soon after and spoke to me when he came in the door. Since I was pissed and not in the mood for small talk, I said nothing. He made a snide remark that just didn't sit right with me so the shit hit the fan and I let him have it with both barrels. THEN he called me a bitch to which I replied, "Buddy, I've been out of my hormones for 6 weeks and you haven't SEEN a bitch yet!" Needless to say, everyone walked on eggshells for the rest of the evening.

Then I woke up this morning, still in a rather shitty mood. I piddled around doing laundry and different things and then went out to water the plants on the porch. I couldn't find the sprayer that fits on the water hose and I asked Zach if he'd seen it. He and Jessica had removed it yesterday to take to her house to spray themselves with. I made him go fetch it and he slowly drags himself across the yards to bring it back to me. He hands it to me and it's broken so I got upset about it.

Hubby and Jeffrey, Jessica's daddy, are sitting beneath the Mimosa tree having a beer and hubby makes the mistake of saying the damned sprayer probably didn't cost $5, so I should just go buy another.

So, the shit hits the fan again since I said, "I don't care if the damn thing didn't cost but .99, I bought it to water my flowers and I'm here trying to water my flowers, and I DON'T have a sprayer because IT'S BROKEN!

THEN I noticed brown spots and wilted leaves on my Hollyhocks beside the house. I looked a little closer and I could see this narrow path of dead grass around the house. I asked James if he's sprayed chemicals around my flowers and he said he hadn't but he had sprayed the grass around the house. He hadn't felt like using the weedeater. He knows how pissed I am at the farmer next to us because he lets his chemicals drift over onto my yard so the DUMB ASS sprays chemicals on the grass BESIDE my flowers and the drift gets on them. The farmer didn't do enough damage I guess.

I finished watering the flowers that the chemicals hadn't burned and spotted, then I went to the shed and got the hoe and cut down the Hollyhocks. Prior to my first chop, he told me if I cut them down he was leaving. My reply to him was, "Well, I suggest you go get your shoes on and hit the road." CHOP!

The asshole was back in less than an hour.

Later on, Jerri called and asked me if I'd help her can some salsa since she didn't know how to use the pressure canner so I spent 3 hours peeling and chopping 5 gallons of tomatoes while she chopped the other ingredients and we canned the salsa. After the second canner full was on, I started cooking dinner.

The Chickie had been playing on the floor under our feet most of the time we'd been working and we were constantly grabbing her off stools that she'd climbed up on or out of cabinets while her daddy and PopPop reclined in the living room, watching TV. During one lull, I sat down for a minute to have a cig and a few sips of coffee and the Chickie came in and was trying to climb up onto the foot-stool in front of me so I hooked a couple of fingers in the back of her diaper to keep her from falling.

Knuckle deep into poop.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even get up in the mornings.


Friday, June 11, 2004

Kudzu. It Grows On You.

Every time I drive to Helena during the spring it amazes me how I can see the progression of the warm days marching past by simply looking at the minute by minute growth of the kudzu vines that cover Crowley's Ridge. Last week I decided to do a little research to jog my memory about as to how in the hell this vine came to be, and be, and be, in this area.

The image above was taken on my drive through the ridge between Helena and West Helena. There's an old, abandoned house beneath those lovely vines folks!

There's so much of this fast-growing vine in the Southeastern U.S., you might think it was a native plant. Actually, it took a lot of hard work to help kudzu spread so widely. Now that it covers over seven million acres of the deep South, there are a lot of people working hard to get rid of it!

Kudzu was introduced to the United States in 1876 at the Centennial Exposition in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Countries were invited to build exhibits to celebrate the 100th birthday of the U.S. The Japanese government constructed a beautiful garden filled with plants from their country. The large leaves and sweet-smelling blooms of kudzu captured the imagination of American gardeners who used the plant for ornamental purposes.

Florida nursery operators, Charles and Lillie Pleas, discovered that animals would eat the plant and promoted its use for forage in the 1920s. Their Glen Arden Nursery in Chipley sold kudzu plants through the mail. A historical marker there proudly proclaims "Kudzu Developed Here."

During the Great Depression of the 1930s, the Soil Conservation Service promoted kudzu for erosion control. Hundreds of young men were given work planting kudzu through the Civilian Conservation Corps. Farmers were paid as much as eight dollars an acre as incentive to plant fields of the vines in the 1940s.

"Cotton isn't king in the South anymore.
Kudzu is king!"

The problem is that it just grows too well! The climate of the Southeastern U.S. is perfect for kudzu. The vines grow as much as a foot per day during summer months, climbing trees, power poles, and anything else they contact. Under ideal conditions kudzu vines can grow sixty feet each year.

While they help prevent erosion, the vines can also destroy valuable forests by preventing trees from getting sunlight. This problem led Dr. James H. Miller of the U.S. Forest Service in Auburn, Alabama to research methods for killing kudzu. In eighteen years of research, he has found that one herbicide actually makes kudzu grow better while many have little effect. Miller recommends repeated herbicide treatments for at least four years, but some kudzu plants may take as long as ten years to kill, even with the most effective herbicides.

Common names for kudzu include:
mile-a-minute vine,
foot-a-night vine,
and the vine that ate the South.

Personally I believe that kudzu is Japan's way of finally getting even with us!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

My. Ass. Is. Dragging.


I had a post ready but I forgot where I put it. I'll find it tomorrow so ya'll be ready.

Nite, Nite XX

Wednesday, June 09, 2004