Sunday, February 29, 2004

2004, 19th Annual King Biscuit Blues Fest in Helena, AR.

I reckon he thought it over

and decided he wanted to continue to sleep in the house.

Maybe the Mimosa's trim won't put her in shock.

Poor trees hate to see him coming.

Sunday Chainsaw Massacre

James has a chainsaw.

He's pruning the trees.

I see a fight coming on.

I've already told him not to get wild with his pruning of my trees and he yelled at me that those were NOT my trees. My reply to him was, "If you're going to leave a 20 ft pole with leaves at the top, then just CUT THE MFers DOWN!"

to be continued..........

Saturday, February 28, 2004

The Old Gas Station

Author Unknown

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole
We're painting under here"

Skoal Can

Prior to her trip to West Virginia , Jenny, (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Mountain State . She wanted to taste some real Deer Tenderloin, go whitewater rafting down the Shenandoah River , and have sex with a redneck.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a place in Charles Town called Mom's with real deer tenderloin... the taste is unbelievable ! And I had so much fun when I went whitewater rafting. I got thrown out of the raft right into the rapids! What a rush! The scenery there is absolutely beautiful! It was incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a redneck?"

"Are you kidding?" She told them, "Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Now how's that for a Saturday smile from a friend?

Friday, February 27, 2004

Ya'll don't fuss too much

I was up all night with the terrorist-in-training who has a stomach virus. This is the best I've got right now.

Q: You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on your left side there is an abyss. On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you. In front of you runs a pig, larger than your car. A helicopter is following you, at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the same speed as you. What will you need to do to be able to stop?

Answer: Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round and leave your seat to someone younger. The children's merry-go-round in the amusement park is primarily for the younger children..

Another smile from my friend - The Baptist Bra

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Dillard's Department Store
and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Baptist," said the man.

"She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."

"Ah yes, now I remember," said the saleslady.

"We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
the Catholic
type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
Then there's the Baptist type."

"What does that do?" asked the man.

She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Closer view of previous photo

It's not every day that you see an emu taking a stroll.

This is the reason,,

I take my camera everywhere I go. NEVER know what you'll come across.

This fella was just wandering along the edge of the field near my house, stopping to grab a quick bite of something or other every so often.


1. Of a FREE heart; FREE to give or bestow; not close or contracted; munificent; bountiful; generous; giving largely; as, a liberal doner; the liberal founders of a college or hospital. It expresses less than Profuse or Extravagant. 2. Generous; ample; large; as, a liberal donation; a liberal allowance. 3. Not selfish, narrow, or contracted; catholic; enlarged; embracing other interests than one's own; as, liberal sentiments or views; a liberal mind; liberal policy. 4. General; extensive; embracing literature and the sciences generally; as, a liberal education. This phrase is often, but not necessarily, synonymous with COLLEGIATE; as, a collegiate education. 5. FREE; open; candid; as, a liberal communication of thoughts. 6. Large; profuse; as, a liberal discharge of matter by secretions or excretions. 7. FREE; not literal or strict; as, a liberal construction of law. 8. Not mean; not low in birth or mind. 9. Licentious; FREE to excess. Shak. Liberal arts, as distinguished from mechanical arts, are such as depend more on the exertion of the mind than on the labor of the hands, and regard amusement, curiosity, or intellectual improvement, rather than the necessity of subsistence, or manual skill. Such are grammar, rhetoric, painting, sculpture, architecture, music, &c. Liberal has of before the thing bestowed, and to before the person or object on which any thing is bestowed; as, to be liberal of praise or censure; liberal to the poor.

LIB'ER-AL, n. One who advocates greater freedom from restraint, especially in political institutions.

Last night the phone rang and a lady with a foreign accent asked to speak with me. It took a full 3 minutes for me to understand just what it was that she wanted of me and then I was finally made to understand, by this person with even worse english than mine, that I'd been called to participate in a political survey. When asked if I voted mostly Democrat or mostly Republican my reply was that I vote mostly Liberal as I don't think it matters what the political party is as long as they work for the freedoms our Country was founded upon and for the progress of the American people. The lady couldn't wait to get rid of me after that.

After I hung up the phone, I had to smile when I thought of all the people they could have called during that 10 minute survey, and they called someone like me who's so absolutely digusted with the lack of ethics, morals, and choices in politics.

Bart For President!

:-) What a way to start the day!

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Lord give me patience

This week I have 15 minutes less time to get Zach up, fed, teeth brushed, and dressed before his ride to school gets here. I've already threatened him with false teeth so he'll only have to drop them in a glass at night IF HE DOESN'T BRUSH HIS TEETH!!

The timer didn't work and I can't afford the prizes he wants.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

If men "really" ruled the world.

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Someone sent me a much needed smile today.

A Child Baptized

After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy." he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

Tried this from John's site

Conscious self
Overall self
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Feeling down Monday

I understand how much a loved one can hurt you like noone else on earth can. Lord knows I've experienced enough of it. What I can't understand is allowing your hurt to cause you to be uncaring towards those who had nothing to do with the hurt that was done.

Our oldest daughter was her father's pride and joy. She's intelligent beyond anything I can describe here but she made choices once she left our care that my husband refuses to forgive her for. She has two beautiful daughters but because they are biracial, and she made the decision not to marry their father, my husband has stated that she's nothing but white trash and refuses to allow her to visit.

He might as well have driven a stake through my heart. My granddaughters don't deserve this sort of treatment because they had nothing to do with my daughter's decision or their grandfather's biasedness. When Jordan, the oldest, said to me one day, "Nanny, I know my PopPop loves me even if I don't see him", I had to wipe my eyes to be able to see to drive the rest of the way home.

His continuance in being cruel, and I do feel this is cruelty, has caused my feelings for him to change. I no longer love him and worse, I no longer respect him, and if I were a cruel person, I'd tell him to move out regardless of how much it would hurt my family. But I'm not a cruel person and this is tearing me apart so that I really hate the holidays and special times when families are supposed to be together.

I wish I could understand.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Cranky and tired

When I got home from work yesterday my son and hubby were finishing up the work needed to put the new birdhouse up. This should increase our Martin living quarters

to around 30+ compartments (if we can keep the sparrows from nesting in em).

Nanny snuck (I think this is only a southern word) in a little short nap before the Chickie and her mommy arrived and after they got here we all went out to El Canaveral's for dinner. You can see here that the Chickie dressed for dinner

and was practicing her "star" role.

After dinner we went grocery shopping for Sunday BBQ fixins. Zach's little sisters came by today for hotdogs, ribs, and a nice boston butt.

Nanny is now tired and cranky cause she has to work tomorrow.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

I do believe this Texan fits the redneck profile.

A Texan wanted to go ice-fishing. He'd read books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary gear together, he made for the nearest frozen body of water to the North.

After positioning his foot-stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly -- from above -- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of coffee, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" He stopped, looked upward, and said, " Is that you LORD?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager!"

The Chickie's Home

She's home and came to visit last night. She's still not feeling her best but she was feeling good enough that she had fun with my pots and pans. She and Zach played some last night so she's on the mend for sure.

Friday, February 20, 2004


For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for
marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates
degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 1 10 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Passing Gas Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

I'm well read

Another great smile sent by a dear friend.


Now the Nanny's got the stomach virus and trying to work.

Lazy Nanny

I talked to the Chickie twice more on the phone yesterday and she sounds in much better shape than her mommy does. Jerri told me last night when I called that she may get to go home today. I think they're tired of fighting the Chick to keep that IV in. This morning she's had scrambled eggs and toast already so she's much improved.

Thank you for all the well wishes, I'm sure they helped bunches in her recovery.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

A laugh from a very good friend

A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under the following four conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Bubba said, "I want any offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Bubba stated,

"You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Sometimes a friend just knows when you need a laugh like this!

Chickie Update

I called and talked to my son and the Chickie this morning and she's jabbering away. The fluids and IV antibiotics are doing the job and her fever is down to 101 so she may get to go home tomorrow. Poor babe pulled the IV out and they had to put it back in but put it into her foot this time. She doesn't like being teathered like that AT ALL. The Chick's poor mommy is exhausted from wrestling with a sick but still active 1 yr old.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

My little Chickie

My little Chick was admitted into the hospital late this afternoon with a really high fever from an ear infection and she also has a stomach virus. I went by to see her this evening and she looked so pitiful but she still felt like climbing into my lap for a hug and a little conversation.

Nite all x

A loving Grandma

Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


I'm saddened

that a study on nipple shields gets more attention than my deepest thoughts.


I have no deep thoughts.

Two Sweeties

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Ok, I figgered it out.

On my way in to work this morning the fruitcakes at Rock 103 were discussing Janet Jackson, again. It seems that she's going to be coming out with a line of nipple and other body jewelry and lingerie. Color me surprised,,,,anyone??

Since the uproar over the "famous flash of the nipple ring" I've been trying to figure out how in the hell one would keep such an item of jewelry ON. After doing a little research (ain't the internet wonderful for that?), I got my answer. If I ever had thoughts of purchasing such adorable nipple jewelry I can promise you that all such ideas have been wiped totally from my somewhat slow mind. Or maybe not.

Ain't no way a needle is going near those!! And besides, I think I'd have to have matching navel jewelry since my nipples would probably be down in that area anyway. But after a little more research I found this site to be very informative.

Your nipples DO NOT have to be pierced to enjoy the Erotic Feel of wearing Nipple Jewelry!!

Tips for wearing our Nipple Huggers™

It has been suggested that the use of an ice cube will make the nipple hard will aid in the application/installation of the Nipple Huggers. If when hard and erect, your nipple does not stand at least 1/8" tall, our nipple jewelry will be unusually hard to get on or to wear.
Step 1, open & stretch the Nipple Hugger™ out a little.

Step 2 & 3, bring it down and around the nipple.
Step 4 & 5, hook the right 'bud' or coil over top of the left and it will slide together like a hook and eye.

Step 7, ....being a new nipple hugger, it needs to be shaped to your breast. Hold/pull the nipple out and press down firmly on the petals until they are laying flat against your breast, making sure the Nipple Hugger is still gripping the nipple. This also adds to the sensual feeling. At this point, if it's not gripping the nipple tight enough to stay on, push the outside of the petals inward toward the nipple. If it's too tight, pull the petals out... and your ready to go!


You can pre shape the nipple hugger by gripping the coil so it does not come apart and gently pulling the petals out one by one all the way around the hugger. Make it so it is larger than the diameter of the nipple and will slide on like a ring. Then just push those petals in toward the base of the nipple, while keeping the coil shut. If too tight, pull out. If too loose push in.

And here (below) you are dressed to kill!

Sometimes it is also easier to start wearing the nipple huggers upside down, with the rose bud (coil) at the top were it is easier to see how to close.
You'll know you have the right side facing up if the rose bud (coil) on the right hooks over the coil on the left. If it pinches when you hook it, just stretch / pull the petals out further. You can always push them in again for a snugger fit, and actually the snugger the fit the less chance of losing them (and the more sexy the feeling!).
It's best if going braless to wear your top tucked in until you are used to wearing them. This is so you don't lose one or both.
Rather than having the 'Nipple Huggers' standing flat up and down, grab the nipple and push the petals down so that they are laying on your breast.

Now that might not be so bad. I think I like the "patriotic" ones.

I wonder if they have a hoist at that site.

I remember....

I moan and groan and bitch and gripe about having a bad day and there are plenty of times when the bad days seem to gang up on me. But when they get especially bad, I think back to what was or what has been and often that's enough to give me thought about all the things that are better than they were, and some that are not.

I remember a cold house and only a cast iron wood stove to warm whichever side you had facing it. Summers hot enough that you felt as though you were melting and the smell of Black Flag fogging throughout the house at night to deter the buzzing mosquitoes.

I remember not caring about the furniture arrangements as long as you could turn the bed so that a breeze could come through the window to cool you from the rattling old window fan.

I remember looking forward to Saturday wash day because you could strip the beds and wash the sheets. Those sun dried, clean sheets always smelled of the outdoors and summer sunshine even in the middle of winter. I also remember those same sheets freezing on the line before you could get the clothes pins attached good.

I remember and never miss the old No. 3 washtub that was used to rinse the laundry and then was cleaned out to be ready for bath time. Bathing was more a chore than a luxury when your knees were up under your chin.

I remember the old pitcher pump in the back yard and having to carry buckets of water into the house for drinking and cooking and for washing the dishes. Laundry days and the evening baths meant many trips with the bucket and I don't miss that either.

I remember wearing an undershirt from October until May and having to take Grover's Chill Tonic because Grandma was convinced of it's medicinal miracles to ward off coughs and colds all winter. I can recall the box it came in, the color and the taste of it. That's sure not missed.

I remember having a whole farm for a playground. A creek to wade and fish in, fruit trees, and a huge garden available to gather our snacks from. If there was traffic on our little dirt lane, it was company coming to visit.

I remember the old outdoor toilets which no manner of sweeping could keep clear of spider webs and wasp nests. We always kept an eye out for snakes there too. I durn sure don't miss that.

I remember dozens and dozens of books read while sitting in an old oak tree down the lane. The whisper of leaves in the breeze and the sharp feel of the bark against my back. I also remember falling out of that tree one day and landing on top of a bobwire fence which probably saved me a broken limb.

I remember playing a million or so games of cards and monopoly cause the TV stopped working and we didn't have money to get it repaired. I don't recall missing the TV.

As I wrote this it was difficult to draw the line between the best things and the not so good cause I think even the hardest times gave me strength to face all of the rough patches in my life.

I think what I remember most is learning to never expect more than what I have at the moment.

Reinforcing the Real Rules of Life

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Monday, February 16, 2004

Still Monday

Got this from Wanda who got it from Otto. Gotta try it.

First of all, pick a letter, any letter.................Got one? Ok. For the following questions, all your answers must begin with the letter you just thought of. (Honor system here, my friends!) Have fun with it! Thanks for your participation!! Remember; All your answers must begin with the letter you just chose! =)

I think I'll go with the letter S.

1. Name two types of food that you could care less if you ever ate again.
Spaghetti squash, squid

2. Name one animal.

3. List three words to describe yourself.
Silky, Silly, Stunned

4. Name two things you might find at a zoo.
Snakes, Spiders

5. Name three things you might find living in the water.
Scallops, Shrimp, Shark

Monday again

Wonder what today's going to bring.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Chickie's Birthday!

The Southern Chickie was a year old on Wednesday so we had a party today.


My cous sent this to me we share a wicked sense of humor.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.

Happy Valentines Day!

Friendship doubles our joys and divides our grief.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Out of the mouth of babes

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

Today could be a better day.

SOMEONE, who's ID I won't share but if you look over in the little box to your left you will see, had to remind me today that it was Friday the 13th. Although I don't need a special day to have shitty, unnatural, or unusual things happen in my world, I could have had a couple more hours of stagnation and unknowingness about this fact.

However, today, lucky or not, can't possibly be any less lucky than yesterday.
Thursday started out with Zach peeing in his bathroom floor. I gave him the benefit of the doubt my thinking perhaps he was still half asleep but just to be on the safe side he had a little lesson involving a scrub brush and disinfectant when he came in from school. Since I also cleaned it before leaving for work yesterday, it's very sanitary in there now.

The next incident happened when I was getting him out the door when his ride to school got there. Standing on the frosty porch in bare feet, I turned around to go back into the house and the handle for the storm door came off in my hand. I had to go tripping around to the back of the house, bare-footed on frost-tipped, rain bogged, grass to the back door. I said a couple of prayers along the way that the back door wasn't locked. It wasn't.

To top it off, I arrived at work to find that $60,000 in electronic tax refund checks were delayed by the Service bureau for processing and I spent the day being abused via phone by the clients who decided to blame me for their checks not being here for me to print.

After spilling one cup of coffee TWICE, on my desk, I was very happy when 6 pm came so I could get the hell outta Dodge.

I've already spilled a drop of coffee on my right tit (use your imagination) and slopped some of the same coffee on my desk this morning. I'm hoping that I've gotten all that over with now and the rest of the day will be normal. Maybe.

Thursday, February 12, 2004


Ya'll gotta see this!!

Fwd: Is it Just Me?

Is it just me or, does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also, they track her calves to
their stalls, but, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Boredom breeds foolishness

It was a slow day at the tax office yesterday, the second in a row. On days like that we tend to talk about the world problems and other, less pressing matters. Around 2 pm Tammy decided to push things up a notch and the topic turned to "How to Spice Up Your Sex Life".

During these discussions Tammy does most of the talking cause that girl can really talk. She can say more in 10 seconds than I can think of in that amount of time. My replies to her usually consist of an occasional "un huh" or grunt as she chatters away. Sometimes a word or two will weave it's way into my consiousness and I'll say "what", so she'll back up.

The Sex 101 instructions that she was handing out yesterday made me feel that perhaps she believes that my sex life needs a little spice (and I have NO idea why she would think this). I was listening in my usual manner and finally had to make a remark when she suggested that it was sometimes fun and exciting to go parking.
I let her finish with the pluses of the activity and then when I caught her taking a breath, I broke in.

"Uh huh", I can see it now. We're in the back seat and suddenly I scream at James, GET OFF, get in the front seat and drive me to the doctor so he can get me out of this postion."

My back hurts now even thinking about the contortions it would take to have sex in the back seat of a car.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004


Ya'll convinced me. It would be too much trouble to take a boob shot anyway so I'll just post this nekid man instead.


Town Battles 'Demonic' Mystery Blazes
1 hour, 36 minutes ago Add Oddly Enough - Reuters to My Yahoo!

ROME (Reuters) - A Sicilian town is struggling to work out why dozens of household items from fridge-freezers to furniture keep mysteriously bursting into flame, terrifying locals and sparking theories of demonic intervention.

Since mid-January dozens of electrical goods and pieces of furniture have spontaneously gone up in flames, causing huge damage in Canneto di Caronia, a small town perched on the Mediterranean island's rocky coast.

"I've seen unplugged electrical cables burst into flames with my own eyes, but I just can't explain it," a local policeman who did not want to be named said Wednesday. "I've never seen anything like it."

Some fires have spread to engulf homes and police temporarily evacuated some 40 residents.

"There has been a sense of panic and people have been evacuated from their homes," said Salvatore Mezzopane, who works at the town hall. "We're trying to find the cause of the fires but there are no answers yet."

Italian utility Enel tried cutting power to the town after the first reports but the fires continued. With experts no closer to explaining the phenomenon, theories ranged from arson to a freak power surge or even the supernatural.

"I've seen things like this before," Catholic exorcist Gabriele Amorth told Italian daily Il Messagero. "Demons occupy a house and appear in electrical goods...Let's not forget that Satan and his followers have immense powers."

Chihuahua from Taco Bell

This morning I stopped on my way to work at this quick stop in Marianna. Marianna only has a population of a couple thousand probably and small enough that they felt the need to combine their KFC and Taco Bell. The quick stop happened to be next door to the KFC/TB and when I pulled in I saw this wee, tiny little Chihuahua. He was just wandering around in the parking lot and everyone who came out of the store stopped and petted him or said a few words to him. I asked a guy working there if the pup was lost and mentioned that it was a dangerous place for a doggie to wander. He told me not to worry cause he was Taco Bell's mascot and he came by for a visit every morning.

He looked a lot like this little fella.

It's Wednesday

Good grief, I'm working my ass off here to try to get around to see everyone and it appears that I'm going to have to show a boob or something equally drastic to get some more traffic and comments in here. I can't even get a comment on my comments.

Checking breath, sniffing underarms.....

Yeah,,, ok,,, a working belle is a boring belle to be sure.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Tuesday thoughts for the deep thinker

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Monday, February 09, 2004

Ok but I prefer to be a more neutral color of tennis shoe!

Sneakers- funny, laid-back, and goofy, you love to
make people laugh and have a good time. You
enjoy comfort and don't care to much about what
people think of you. You like to hang out with
your buddies and just have a good time. [please
vote! thank you! :)]

What Kind of Shoe Are You?
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