Friday, March 31, 2006

Are we ready to elect a woman for President of the U.S.?

During my lifetime there have been 10 different Presidents. Since there have only been 43 in all, I've lived during the terms of almost a 4th of them. (man that makes me feel older than dirt!) The first president that I had an awareness of was President John F. Kennedy and I still admire the changes he made in this country concerning equal treatment and rights for our citizens. Since his assassination we've been treated to a variety of leaders who, for the most part, did the best they could with what they had to work with.


We've had the shysters, the actor, the peaceful and passive, the warmongers (you know who you are), and the whoremonger (I'll leave this last one in singular form but I really feel that more than one might have filled this description but only one was so shitty at it that he kept getting caught). Of the 10, I believe there were 4 who were married to women who'd have done a damn sight better job as president than her hubby (I'll leave you to guess which ones).

I believe, after all that nonsense, we're ready for a woman's touch in the Whitehouse and I don't mean for choosing the draperies and china (although being a woman she'd be able to handle those as well and without foregoing any of her normal presidential duties!) We need someone who will say, "STOP! WAIT! We need to pause to ask for directions here", and someone who'll be more responsible in decisions about which buttons to push and why because we know how men deal with these situations (think of vacations and the TV remote here).

There are possible facts about human nature and anatomy that would support the capabilities of a woman too. For one, men don't think with their whole brain or maybe it's that they don't think as fast as women do,,,I forget which it is,,,anyway, men have to stay focused on ONE THING AT A TIME or they lose focus. We know this is not so with women because we've been trained from the cave to handle multiple tasks. Ask any mother who's prepared dinner with a child on her hip while helping child 1 and 2 with homework, keeping one eye and ear on what the weatherman is saying on TV so she'll know what to dress the kiddies in the next day, and during which time, she has answered the phone at least 10 times. She'll know exactly what I'm talking about here.

For another, women aren't as quick to anger and kill as the male of the species. We've had practice with this as we raised our young to adulthood and kept them from doing irreversible harm to their siblings. And men fail to give the female credit for standing up and doing the right thing when the time comes, as any bully who ever dotted the eye of one her babies found out. Women are just better at making rules and having everyone else obey them, without bloodshed.

I've always believed behind every successful man is the woman who got him there, so yep, I believe it's time for the men to step aside (unless we need their muscle) and let a woman do the job. And get the credit for it!!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

2 adults + 6 little ones = OUTNUMBERED!

Zach's bedtime is at 9:00 p.m. and I think Nanaw will be asleep before he is.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Help Wanted


Qualifications are the ability to complete an honest days work and show up for work every day. Must have SS card and photo ID or U.S. green card for employer to be able to fill out and keep on file the Federal government required, I-9. (Qualifications subject to change at the whim of the U.S. Government).

Benefits include hourly pay above the Federal minimum wage, housing and utilities provided, and depending on experience, guaranteed 40 hrs per week pay.

Tread Softly Mr. Bush.

Many farms depend on these workers because the U.S. government has made it much too easy for a portion of the labor force in rural areas to sit at home on their lazy asses and draw government assistance of one form or several. If they work it could possibly mess up their free ride.

There was a time when a man, and/or a woman, and oftentimes, their children, worked to provide a roof over their heads and food on the table. When did it become wrong to do this? The immigrants that provide much of the agricultural workforce seem to still have these work ethics while many of our government assisted U.S. citizens have no idea what a day's pay for an honest day's work is. They're job training seems to consist of how to get even more government aid.

I agree that we need to strengthen our borders and be more careful of who we allow into this Country, but it should also be made less expensive, and easier for immigrants, who's purpose is to work. I'm not sure how this might be accomplished but if all the suspected illegals are sent home, you might have to consider planting a garden behind the White House to grow your own cabbages because your staff won't be able to afford to buy them, if there are any to be had, at the grocery or farmer's market.

Oh, and one more little thought. Instead of sending more of our troops off to a foreign country that hates us with a passion, how about you keep them here to guard our borders where they'll at least be close to their families.

Monday, March 27, 2006

As I've aged I've learned these truths,,,

You can have a healthy sex life well into your later years.
Of course, that's assuming you can stand the sight of people your age naked!

I'm very good at opening childproof caps -- with a hammer.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

It's too late for health food because I think I need all the preservatives I can get.

The most frustrating thing about getting older is that every time you see an expensive antique, you remember one just like it you once threw away.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Busy Day

I woke up at 7:30 this morning, told my bladder to hold on, then rolled over and went back to sleep for another hour before I got up and sat around for a bit sipping my coffee. As soon as my eyes were open enough I went into town to get the things I'd forgotten yesterday and then we spent most of the rest of the day outdoors with PopPop as he made a fine bbq.

It's been one of those days for jacket on,,jacket off,,jacket on,,,jacket off, nice enough when there was not a bitey breeze but when it did blow a bit, you needed something on your arms. It didn't keep the kiddies from having a great time though or us from enjoying a nice day outside.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Calf rope!

I give. I hope this look will see me through Spring or at least until I can find something else to wreck my brain with.

The tax company I've been working at for two seasons has lost a lot of clients this year to one of those "quick money" places who practiced some slightly illegal activities to haul in those type of clients so I told the owner a few weeks ago, if things didn't pick up I wouldn't be one bit upset if she didn't need me anymore this year. Even though things haven't been as busy as I've seen in past years, I really was having a hard time this year keeping up with my tax clients at home and working in town too. Maybe I'm just getting too grumpy at my age to handle the stress of it all because I surely did get tired pretty quick after putting in 8 or 9 hours at that job and then another few here at home in the evenings. Add helping with 3rd grade homework to that and you've got the formula for a real bitchy woman.

Anyway, I'm now down at the office in town for the year and hopefully with tax clients at home too so I can concentrate more on the bookkeeping clients I have and in getting this junked up office in some sort of order. I've got a new desk in here plus the old desk which I'll need to keep for the extra storage and loads of other stuff I'll have to find a place for. I'm a pack-rat so this could be an enormous job staring me in the face.

I'd best get back to paying the bills so ya'll have a great weekend!

Friday, March 24, 2006

I Give!!

I still wasn't satisfied with the previous template so I was tweeking away and I screwed it up royally. Maybe I'll try to do something with this one when I'm not so danged tired.

I'm Whining

I'm proud that the Memphis Tiger basketball team's efforts that have brought them so far and it's nice that they'll be playing UCLA. I hope they win. But I gotta tell ya, I'm sure cranky over missing CSI Las Vegas for the past two weeks because they're televising the basketball games in that spot. It just ain't right!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Dear Sir or Madam or Whomever,

Today I've finally had a free moment to write the check per your 2 requests and after having had to make numerous phone calls to Thomas Petroleum and my bank. After the calls, where I finally was able to reach the right people at the two previous named entities, your request was further delayed by my having to wait for them to do their research and to call me back.

Therefore, you will find enclosed a check for $23.93 made out to your company, Telecheck, to replace the check #6639 for the above amount that I paid to Barton Stop & Shop at Barton, Arkansas on or about February 21, 2006.

Please forgive me for the delay in this manner since I am not used to receiving strange phone calls from men with strong accents who I barely understand but finally figure out are asking for money and information concerning my bank account which there was no way in hell I was giving out! Since I knew, beyond a doubt, that there was sufficient funds in my bank account to cover the above amount, I was very surprised when your representative treated this matter as though it were my problem, because Sir, I'm not the dumbass that can't type in a routing and account number properly for an electronic transaction. I would also like to remind you, as I reminded the fine folks at Barton Stop and Shop, and their father company, Thomas Petroleum, I do business with them, not some foreigner, who barely speaks English, in City of Industry, California.

Now, I figure it took me about 1.5 hours to handle this matter for you and my time is worth $25.00 per hour this time of the year. So please consider this as your invoice for $37.50. This includes my time on the telephone to research this matter as well as the half a pad of sticky notes it took to remind myself to send this check. Please note that I'm foregoing the amount for the envelope and postage.

My terms are 30 days from the receipt of this invoice.


Brenda (the pissed off and put upon lady in Arkansas)

Think You're Having a Bad Day?

Ok, so I have a morbid sense of humor sometimes. I'm still chuckling over a couple of these.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m.
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am.,
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-
time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender"
stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better????

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Thank you Isnaina.

The template is beautiful even if I am too danged dumb to make the other 2 graphics work on it. This makes 2 nights that I've been messing with this html stuff and it fries my brain big time. (Yep, that's probably that funky smell you've been getting a whiff of.)

I'm past tired now so I'm gonna go warm my feet and try to think of something to write about tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


I've tweeked and tweeked, and cursed, and moaned, and I still can't figure out the code to fix this crooked danged template. It's driving me bonkers so I'm working on similiar one which could possibly be the one to put me in the straight jacket.

I wonder if they'll let me have coffee and cigs in one of those places for the insane?

Abbie is spending some of her spring break from pre-school with the Chick. Jerri told me about this conversation,

Abie: Jerri, I'm right handed.

The Chick: Momma, I'm wrong handed.

There are times when I think this child has a few of my genes.

I'm spending spring break with Zach and it rained all weekend, and Monday, so guess who else has been home the past 2 days? I told them last night I'd run away from home if I had somewhere to go! Sometimes a quiet, padded, room sounds like the ticket!

Sunday, March 19, 2006


And the template still doesn't look exactly as it's supposed to but the few brain cells I have left have thrown up their hands in surrender so I'd best leave it be for awhile. I might also mention that MUCH of the template code was in Indonesian so it was hell figuring out what stuff might be.

There's a link to the site I borrowed the free template from down at the bottom of the sidebar somewhere if anyone wants to take a look.

How's everyone's weekend coming along?

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Sroll to the bottom (insert swear word here!)

WTF is up with Blogger? Why are the posts ending up at the bottom of the damned page when I haven't changed a diddle damned thing in here? Why is the earth round? Why are my feet cold when tomorrow's supposedly the first day of Spring? Why is dealing with Blogger issues like pulling nails with my teeth?

Friday, March 17, 2006

Spring is springing

I know this because of all the farm equipment that has been slowing me down this week and also because of what my camera has been seeing.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Here's the story

It seems that Bubbie was the "acting" Lieutenant, the acting part due to the fact that his rank is Sergeant, and they had 2 or more hoe squads working with officers over each squad. The Lieutenant's job, I believe, is to ride around and check on each squad. Anyway, the inmate ran and the Sergeant of that hoe squad told him to stop and when he didn't he shot at him. Bubbie noticed a highway department truck sitting beside the highway with it's lights flashing and knew they couldn't allow the escapee to reach the truck so he started chasing him on his horse and rode beside him so he couldn't escape in the truck. He also knew that there wasn't anywhere else he could go at that time so when the inmate looked up at my son and said, "Just shoot me Sergeant Mallard" he made an instant decision not to shoot the man. Bubbie said the guy wanted to die and he didn't want to be the one to oblige him. The Major ended up hitting the guy with a truck because Bubbie couldn't get off his horse with his weapon. He was sent to the hospital and he'll live but will be sent to the Maximum security unit and more time will be added to his sentence.

The whole incident was over in a matter of minutes but it took hours for all of the officers involved to be interviewed by Internal Affairs and to write up the reports. There will also be more inquiries into the incident.

I'm glad noone was killed or hurt too badly.


On to better things...

I had a yard full of little girls today who were so busy playing that I bet their Mommies won't have a bit of trouble getting them to sleep tonight. And Zach got his report card today. He made 3 C's but it was MUCH better than I expected it to be so we're almost smiling about it here.

And more good news! My oldest daughter, Trish, bought her first new car yesterday. She's always had used cars until now and she's about to burst with excitement! She also told me that Jaylen and Jordan are already practicing ball so there'll be some busy days ahead for Trish. She'll be breaking that new car in right off.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Just a note before bed

I'm breathing a short sigh of relief after hearing the news third hand, then finally from a quick phone call from my son, that a prisoner attempted to escape today and my son had to make a very difficult decision as they were apprehending him. I'll know more when Bubbie has time to tell us everything about it but he did not have to shot the inmate and he's very thankful that he didn't have to and his Momma is very thankful that her son is safe.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Consistent I ain't

After a balmy 80 degrees yesterday we awoke to a nipply northerly 45 degrees this morning and for once I was up and at em (heck, I had to keep warm somehow). I was dressed before 7, had a stack of stuff loaded into the truck by the time the school bus fetched the kiddies at 10 past, and was on the road 3 minutes after that headed to Poplar Grove to pay bills for the Improvement Dist. before I had to be at the tax office at 8. I'm proud to say that I was only 1 minute late.

Things sort of went downhill from there.

I managed to finish up a tax return that had been sitting on my desk for a few days waiting for more information and it wasn't a busy day so things were going well until I had to move my truck and the office owner's car so the lawn folks wouldn't toss a rock through a window. I don't have one of those new fan-dangled keyless locks on my truck so I was toting around 2 sets of keys as I moved the vehicles. When I moved my truck I guess I thought I was holding my keys in my hand as I hopped out and shut the door. I wasn't, they weren't mine. Dumb, dumb move.

I have an extra key that I keep in my purse but for the past year or so, and 3 locked keys in truck instances, I haven't actually remembered which purse that key is in. I had to call the "fella that saves stranded women who lock their keys inside their vehicles" to come and use his tool to open my locked door. He thinks this is so amusing that it's with a sense of dread that I pick up the phone to call for assistance.


It wasn't enough that I had to work Monday which was supposed to be one of my days off and had to go in early today as well. It also didn't help to get the news that the reason I had to work Monday and go in early today is NOT COMING IN AT ALL THIS WEEK because she's milking this bug she has for all it's worth. (I'm not being cold-hearted here, just take my word for it, my aggravation is justified).


Zach came home with a discipline slip. It seems he used inappropriate language during reading lab so he was sent to the principal who took away two of his recesses this week. I asked Zach what was said and he told me the teacher heard him say that Michael had farted. I told him the next time Michael passed wind he should not say he farted but it would be perfectly ok for him to mention that Michael had flatulated, but only as a warning to others. I then signed the note and in the remark section I asked which language he inappropiately spoke. I'm not sure I spelled it right but if I get a reply, I'm sure it'll be because they'll feel they need to correct me.

I'm gonna need a day off to find that extra truck key, dammit.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Changing,,,a little

It’s been said that the only thing constant in life is change. People change, circumstances change, things change. Change can be small, big, subtle or sudden. Sometimes it’s a breeze, other times it’s a painful process. Change may be a choice we make, or it may be imposed on us. A new job, getting married, starting a family, moving house – these are examples of life changes we may experience. Some people view change as a positive challenge, others fret and agonize over the consequences of new situations. Few of us deal with change without feeling unruffled but I don't deal with it well at all. Change makes me grieve and I've been doing some powerful grieving lately.

My husband made a remark to my son over the weekend that I'd changed over the past year or so, and he didn't feel that it was for the good. I've given this some thought today and have to agree that I have changed but it's taken more than a year, and I feel it's all been for the good, for me, even though I feel I've had to fight for every inch I've gained and it's most often been a very exhausting. I have not, however, changed enough and I don't expect I ever will because I still have this part of me that will always keep the feelings of others and their needs in the forefront but I don't think I'm allowing them to step on me quite as much as I once did and that's the part of change that's not to their liking.

I think the biggest change I've made is my decision to let them know, by action or inaction, that I want to feel valued, that what I feel and think is as important as what anyone else feels and thinks even when they disagree. There have been many references to my bitchiness of late but what the hell, it's now or never, right? I have my doubts that there's another half century left ahead of me to wait for the respect that I feel I deserve. They can like it or not cause I'm getting fed up with being last most of the time dammit!

Ok, I'm done bitching now.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Word dribbles

Not a whole hell of a lot of anything has been going on around these parts so this'll be a post full of odds and ends.

Jerri sent me some of the cutiest photos the other day so I thought I'd share a few of them here.

On Thursday there was about a 20 minute span of time when I considered taking refuge in the bathtub in Zach's small bathroom but after James came in the back door, without my knowledge, and spoke right behind me as I was staring out at the storm, I was so near scared to death that a little storm with a big wind didn't bother me so much anymore. I did have to make a quick trip to the bathroom but it wasn't for hiding out in the tub for protection.

After the hurricane force winds died down and the rain stopped making rivers of my front yard, we had a look around at the damage. One lawn chair was in a tree on the north side of the field, another was stuck on a garden post out back, the trampoline was about a quarter mile across the field, the bbq grill was dumped over and several feet from where it had been, we lost a few shingles, and the underpinning in the front was slightly wacked, and the wooden gym set was on the ground and in pieces. The neighbors lost a few more shingles than we did and lots of their stuff was blown across hell-and-half-acres. I do believe that was the biggest wind I've ever been in and the weatherman said they reached over 80mph. I won't argue with him about that.
In a weeks' time, Jillian went from cautiously scooting backwards on her tummy to crawling all over the place like she's been doing it her whole life. She's also pulling up and her mommy says nothing is safe from her busy little hands now.

Zach had baseball tryouts today so it's that time again. He'll know in a week or two which team he'll be playing on and then the practices will begin so I'll be needing to drag out my old camp chair and get our tote bag packed so we'll be ready for a new season. I keep telling myself that this'll keep me young at heart but some days my heart doesn't agree.

The supper dishes are calling my name so I'd better go before they start breeding or something in there. Ya'll have a great weekend!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Welcome Jessie Herman Eugene Klinkenberg!!

Jessie was born March 3, 2006 to his proud parents Danielle and Eric! Congratulations to the new Parents and welcome to the world baby Jessie!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

More Southernisms

We know how to speak the proper English down here but I reckon we hafta sound the way we do for it to go along with our life style,,laid back and slow to anger. All things move slower in the south, so it's only proper that our language is spoken with a slow drawl.

Every so often I like to post a few words just in case a yankee might want to practice before making their way south.

a- A prefix added to the present participle to make it purtier, e.g. "Abe's a-workin in backer t'day; Ma's a-talkin to you, son!" (see also agwine, agonna; acoming, aworking, etc.)

Aggravatin- a. Bothersome. Etymology: Citified English aggravate meaning "make worse".

Airy- pro. Any but only singular: "You got airy (a) coon dog left?" Antonym of nairy.

Allow- v. To concede, grant, suppose, figure, expect. examples: "I allus allowed he'd hafta git mared."

Awl- a. Ever damn one. Damyankees spell it "all".

Bidnis- n. What you get down to or stay out of other people's, as in, "That ain't none a yore dad-burned bidnis!" (Southerners don't like "s" before "n", do you?).

Booger- n. Nose stuffing; a rascal, as in "Come here, you little booger!"

Booger man- n. Something or somebody that'll gitcha.

Cackleberry- n. Egg. Go figure.

Caint- v. aux. Can not.

Catty-corner(ed)- a. Diagonal.

Cattywampus- a. Askew, awry; not straight.

That outta be enough for you to waller around on for a day or two if you're of a mind to. Ya'll have a good day now, ya hear?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Just a glimpse

I think I've written about this at one time or another but here it is again.

When I was around 10 or 11 I was running through the house chasing one of my sisters and ran knee first into the head of a nail that had worked it's way out of a door facing. My mom says she's not sure if the pain was so intense that I couldn't catch my breath and just stopped breathing and fell to the floor or if I stopped breathing when my head bounced off the floor after I passed out from the intense pain, but either way, when she reached me I wasn't breathing.

My only clear memory from the incident was running through the house, and then suddenly being in the most beautiful garden I could ever have imagined. The grass was tall and lucious, the trees a deep, calming, green, and there were flowers everywhere, as far as I could see. I felt totally and completely at peace. I could hear my mother call me from far off and I remember thinking I wish she'd hush and go away. Then just as suddenly, I was lying in the floor, having my teeth shaken out of me by my mother. I had a sore knee and a knot on my head for a few days but no lasting effects from my injury, the nail didn't even break my skin.

For years I never told anyone about the "garden" part of the experience but one day I read a book about near death experiences and realized, "Hey, that happened to me", and later on I asked my Mom about that day and told her what I remembered about it. She just said, "Well, you never know." I know I'll never forget that place I visited for those few seconds and if that's what is waiting for us on the "other side", then we surely have nothing to fear from death.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Meme: Five Weird Things

Joe tagged me.

1. If something's out of my sight it's out of my mind and lost to me.

2. I don't remember dreams unless I'm sick and then I have very vivid nightmares.

3. I believe in life after death because I'm quite sure I've experienced it.

4. I don't care for steak

5.I'm afraid to throw things away for fear they'll be needed later.

I'm tagging Paula, Cassie-b, Cal, Cindra, and Virginia Gal.

The rules:

Once you've been tagged you must make an entry that contains a list of 5 Weird Habits of Yourself. When you are finished, you must tag 5 other people by listing their Xanga ID in your post. Then you must go to their Site and make a comment stating that they are tagged and have them come to your site for the rules.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Flu Bug took a bite outta me

and as soon as I get to feeling just a little better I'm going to bite that little beastie back!

Since a week ago Thursday, when I took Zach to the doc, I've had this pounding headache but figured it was due to the stress of wrestling with a sick youngun. When it didn't get better I decided it was the added stress of the man getting sick. On Wednesday the hacking cough started, on Thursday the cough got worse and the muscle and joint aches started and I felt feverish. I couldn't even lay down to sleep cause the coughing and aches were so bad. I went to work Friday but after an hour I came back home. Finally, yesterday, Saturday, I went to see the doc and told him to give me some relief or shoot me. That man loves torture and had a nurse in there with a needle full of some anti-viral stuff telling me to drop my drawers before I could blink twice (it hurt to blink too mind you). A rootbeer sucker and a couple hundred bucks lighter and I was on my way home to sleep sitting up in my chair.

I still feel like crap but I think I'm gonna live now.

Hope ya'll are having a better weekend!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Why,,I'll swaney!

I don't know what that means but my grandmother used to say it when she was indicating surprise about something. Anyway,,my surprise, or lack there of, concerns these

Strange Patient Chart Notations

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (HA!)

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (My favorite)

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. (double HA)

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. (Ya think?)

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. (Sounds like my family doctor)

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. (Hey, those are my symptoms!)

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. (Ok, I laughed out loud at this one)

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Not a good think I take it?)

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

I know I'm going to Heaven,,,,

because HELL is living 1 week with a sick 9 yr old and living through day 3 with an ill 54 yr old (today) man with the temperment of a 9 yr old. If he doesn't feel better soon I may become an accidental widow.