Saturday, July 14, 2018

Every terror and tragedy in my life has come with a phone call.  My heart skips a beat every time the phone rings. 

The afternoon of July 29, 2017 was that way, my phone rang, I answered with, "what do you need?" because I saw the call was from Zach's phone. The reply was a hysterical voice that I couldn't understand at first. I finally heard, "Zach went down and didn't come back up!" I asked who was calling and became hysterical too when I heard her say, "He didn't come back up!" again. I think I asked where she was, where they were, I grabbed my purse and went outside and remembered he, Zach, had my truck. I called my neighbor and she was sick but was able to  drive me  to another friend's house in Lexa I begged and prayed that I had heard wrong, that it had to be a joke, "God, Please don't take him from me!!" That trip was SO LONG, I'm praying that Zach would be there with his little mean-ass grin when I got to the lake. I didn't call his mother, Jami, because I wanted to be sure of what had happened, what was going on before I did. My phone rang and it was Jami. Someone who was at Storm Creek Lake had posted on FACEBOOK that Zach had drowned. I told her I was on my way to the lake and I hadn't wanted to call her until I knew for sure.  She was hysterical and said she was on her way from TN. I begged her to please be careful!

We came around the last curve and the road  dropped down to where we could see the lake, I saw the boats, the ambulance, the police cars, and I died inside.

,,,,,,I can't do this all at once. I have to stop now and calm down. Writing about this is so hard but I think it's something I need to do but it's going to take me awhile.


Monday, September 11, 2017

My Loss, God's Gain

I am holding so much sorrow inside. I do this because I'm afraid if I let it out I'll start screaming and never stop.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

If stress can kill you, there's no doubt that I should be dead from it. Living with this male man-child has beaten me down more than anyone can imagine. I've tried to vent a little to a family member, and once to a friend, and both said that I should kick him out, make him leave, that's what they would's easier said than done folks.  My emotions get in the way of doing what's best for me.

He has stolen from me, everything from my wedding band to cash and checks. I've talked with the sheriff, and his deputies. They "have a talk with him".  He's had counseling and promises of counseling, or at least what passes for that in our area.  There was a visit to a psychiatrist, then the second visit was via video conference. The third video conference, when I had questions about just exactly when he would actually advise us about what to do about his behavior, I was informed that his counselor would be handling that because his job was simply to prescribe his meds, the counselor would handle the behavior problems.                                                                      
I freaking understand that there are problems when dealing with ADHD but there has been little help available in preparing him to live in an adult world and taking on adult responsibilities.  I've done as much as I know how to do.

I'm tired. Mind, body, and soul.

Thursday, September 10, 2015


"But grief makes a monster out of us sometimes . . . and sometimes you say and do things to the people you love that you can't forgive yourself for.”                               ........Melina Marchetta.

Friday, August 21, 2015

My South, The Delta

Greg Isles  said it best in his book, The Quiet Game,
"The Delta smells of hardwood forest, creek water, kudzu, bush-hogged wildflowers, and baking earth. The competing aromas blend into a heady restart you'd never find in a Northern city.                                                          
This area used to boast it's share of rich, gentlemen planters who's fortunes were made from the white gold cotton crops that fed Northern and European Mills. Plantations stretched as far as the eyes could see, and more on both sides of the Mississippi River. Lumber was also king while it lasted. "                                             

Monday, August 17, 2015

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Did you know?

Did you know that some storm systems can hold more water than the Mississippi River?  I wouldn't want one of those to rain on me.