Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I'd rather be a mechanic!

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.

Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking – let’s patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."

The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

So you think you don't need insurance on that new puter?

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

What is Wrong with me??

Sometimes I feel like I'm less of a citizen because I don't give a shit about who's running for president of these here states. For some reason, I'd rather spend my energy on things that I can really do something about and worrying and pondering about who's going to win the presidency just ain't one of them.

I can't feed every starving child in the world, but I know how to grow a garden and preserve the food to feed my own and a few more.

I can't keep our good old federal, state, and local governments from taking a good 50% of my hard earned money in taxes to pay for their fine homes, cars, expense accounts, and college degrees for their kids, but I am intelligent enough to have learned enough about the tax system and the laws that I damn sure don't give them too much more than what they believe to be their fair share.

I can't make choices for women who find themselves in a situation to where they feel they must make the decision to have an abortion, and I don't want to. Nor should anyone else, especially those who use violence to try to change their minds. I can only do what's right for me.

I can't tolerate those that thrive on the misery of others, but I can't change the person that they are or what made them so miserable that they became that way. I try to steer a wide path around them. Misery loves company so let them be alone.

I can't educate the world, but I can help to teach a child to read.


It's mostly the SOS around here. I did get out of my pjs long enough yesterday to go into Helena to do a few things that I've been putting off and I was on the phone a good bit the rest of the day trying to find out the status of new health insurance and set up appointments with two tax clients for Thursday.

James came home early since it had rained and was too wet to work in the fields so we had an early dinner at El Canaveral and came home to plant my dahlia bulbs and fertilize some of my other plants. I'm not sure why I bother since the farmer who owns the neighboring land usually kills or maimes everydamnthing I try to grow!!

One little bit of good news is the trees I planted last year (after they survived being mauled by the neighbor's dogs) are sprouting little tiny leaves. The advertised 10 ft a year growth has far to go though since they maybe grew 2 inches since I planted them. Ankle high is a longass way from 10ft. Don't you agree?

I've made an appointment to take Zach to talk with the doc on Friday. I think it'll make us both feel better to get him checked out.

I'm outta here now to prepare myself for a day with two of the girls again. MeriKate has another appointment in Little Rock today.

Now where'd I put that tranxene?

Sunday, March 28, 2004


A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Funeral Services are pending...

Saturday, March 27, 2004


I forgot to play fairy. It's the second time in a row that I forgot to play fairy. I don't learn from my mistakes you see. If, perchance, we are sent back to do things over and over again until we get them right, I'm screwed.

Luckily I'm good at covering up some of my "oops" and came up with a believable story to convince Zach that he must have pushed it behind the bed in his sleep. In order to make this halfass believable I had to palm a few dollars (it costs dumbass fairies more than the normal ones), belly-crawl under my bed, and pretend that I found what the tooth fairy had left. After all this, the kid had the nerve to wonder if the fairy had left his tooth by mistake like last time. He had the idea that he could recycle it by putting it under his pillow again tonight so that dumbass old fairy would leave him a few more bucks. I think this child has a future in finance.

On a more serious note

Zach's been having nightmares. He's also been freaking out every time we're in the truck and have to drive over the ditch that they ended up in during the accident a few weeks ago.

This morning his PopPop called and asked me to bring him down to the farm so he could spend the day with him. He was excited, as always, to be going down there.

When we went to get into the truck, he asked me where my glasses were. I told him I had forgotten them but didn't really need them since we were just going to meet PopPop half way to the farm. He insisted that I wear them and went back into the house and got them for me.

As we drove down our road and neared the part where we crossed the ditch, he kept saying, "Nanaw, watch the road. Get in the middle, be careful, watch the road!"
I reassured him that the road was plenty wide enough and he shouldn't be so worried about because I was driving carefully.

We met James and Zach happily got into his truck for a day at the farm and I turned around and started home. I was only about 2 miles from the house when my cell rang. I answered and it was James telling me that I was going to have to drive back down there to get Zach. He'd freaked out when they were going to the field where the tractors were. They were driving beside a large drainage ditch (they're all over the farm) and Zach started crying and begging James to look at the road, not look in the fields, and insisting that they not drive beside the ditch. James said he stopped the truck and tried to talk to Zach about it, telling him that nothing was different from any other time that he's spent the day on the farm, but Zach couldn't calm down.

I've decided to call our family doctor tomorrow and talk with him about counseling for Zach over this. I don't want him to be frightened all the time about uncontrollable things and this is really worrying me.

Ya'll let me know what you think.

Friday, March 26, 2004


In a few months we'll be having our 33rd wedding anniversary and I remember every one of those years. I've already started thinking of a gift for hubby to buy me because in the past I've learned if I don't give him a really good idea about a gift, really early, I'll end up with something he thinks I SHOULD want. For instance here's a list of modern, traditional anniversary gifts and a James list.

Traditional - James List
1st - Clock - Tire gauge
2nd - China - Oil and Oil filter
3rd - Crystal - New fishing reel
4th - Appliances - Fishing Boat
5th - Silverware - Tackle box
6th - Wood - New Shotgun
7th - Stationary - Dog training collar
8th - Linens - New Tarp for boat
9th - Leather - Hunting coat
10th - Diamond - Tools and tool box

I'm so proud to be living in America!

Tiff posted this over at Mind Diversion.

All and hosted sites are banned in China starting this morning, a week after China has agreed to amend its constitution to respect human rights. This is another move by the Central government to curb free speech and freedom of information on the Internet. This is the first time in two years that China has blocked access to foreign servers that host personal sites.

Last week saw two hosting services within China, blogbus and blogscn banned. After shutting down forums and message boards with in the country, it’s now using blocking software to stop information from leaking into the county via personal sites, an increasingly vibrant China internet community, and a place where users are slipping in banned information. Some sites in the blogging community are turning black in protest of this event while others are reporting the incident. So far sites in Hong Kong, US, Canada, and the Netherlands has done so.

Ya'll surf over to Mind Diversion and click to read the report.

Farting Contest

A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox.

Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts.

Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out.

The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

Fart In Face

Thursday, March 25, 2004

After a long night of making love,
he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

Woman With Dog

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..

I've decided to liven this site up a little.

I'll just follow Kim's lead. The only problem is that I've always looked like a grandma.

Well, a sporty grandma.

So there ya go Dick, use your imagination AND add a few years.Granny

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

How many of Ya'll are old enough to remember this old song?

I heard it on the radio yesterday and it brought back old memories.

Let It Out (Let It All Hang Out)
(Bill Cunningham)

(spoken): "A preachment, dear friends, you are about to receive
on John Barleycorn, nicotine, and the temptations of Eve"
(Bronx cheer)

No parkin' by the sewer sign
Hot dog, my razor's broke
Water drippin' up the spout
But I don't care, let it all hang out

Hangin' from a pine tree by my knees
Sun is shinin' through the shade
Nobody knows what it's all about,
It's too much, man, let it all hang out

Saw a man walkin' upside down
My T.V.'s on the blink
Made Galileo look like a Boy Scout
Sorry 'bout that, let it all hang out

Sleep all day, drive all night
Brain my numb, can't stop now
For sure ain't no doubt
Keep an open mind, let it all hang out

It's rainin' inside a big brown moon
How does that mess you baby up, leg
Eatin' a Reuben sandwich with sauerkraut
Don't stop now, baby, let it all hang out

Let it all hang out ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


Tuesday Recap

Jami brought the girls by around 9, then at 11 Jerri called and asked if I could keep the Chickie for the afternoon due to a sudden babysitter emergency. She brought her by on her lunch hour.

I can get a few things done when I have the older ones but with the Chickie, I have to be right there in the room with her. She's at that age where she thinks everything needs to be tasted and would just as soon taste a bug as a piece of chocolate. (in fact she ate a lady bug last summer and seemed to approve of the taste)

I did get start the vacuum and then spent a half hour trying to figure out why it wasn't picking stuff up. It seems that I had attached a hose where it wasn't supposed to be attached and in the process was doing nothing but recycling the dust (in and right back out, bypassing the bag).

The rest of my day was pretty much spent playing. The Chickie brought her new little "let's twist" musical toy bunny and by late afternoon I was ready to cut his little bunny throat.

We watched Dora the Explorer twice. We sang, we danced, we told nursery rhymes. We almost burned up the remote surfing cartoon channels.

Hubby called to check in on my sanity and when he heard that I had an extra little one he actually suggested that I order pizza takeout for supper. Imagine my surprise that he would think that I had not already thought of that but being the good wife that I am, I let him take the credit for the idea. I'm wondering if he really thought I was going to stop playing long enough to COOK!

Jerri picked the pizza up and brought it out after work and my son came by on his way home for work so we had a nice pizza supper that Nanny only had to provide paper plates for.

Last evening I spent a little time reading blogs (I'm so far behind I'm ashamed!) and then spent a little more time playing with the paint program so I will at least be able to draw a stick figure when the time comes to paint my canvas for the Special K art exhibit.

Hope everyone had a glorious day and woke up to another one today!

The musical Rabbit with the death wish.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004



Did a load of laundry.

Put together my new vacuum (the old one ate a sock and is acting ugly)

Drove to Forrest City and bought a helmet so Zach can ride the ATV with PopPop

Went to the Tax office there and did a client's return

Arrived back home after 6 and cooked supper (sausage, eggs, and biscuits cause I forgot to put something from the freezer out to thaw)

Helped with homework

Fought with Zach to get him IN the tub for a bath

Fought with Zach to get him OUT of the tub after bath.

Collapsed due to frustration and stress and started reading a new book.


I must

Hang curtains in toy room

Try out the new vacuum

Prepare myself to also have two of Zach's little sisters here until tomorrow evening

Do the rest of the laundry

Keep my cool

Help with homework

Cook dinner

Not think of anything else to put on this list!


Quiz for the men

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only reallysportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate its a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

10 When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11 What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12 What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.


Mostly A's : You lied, you're actually a woman.
Mostly B's : You have been blessed with many feminine tendencies, be thankful
Mostly C's : Yep, you're a real male. Please study the A and B answers in order to go further in life.

Feel proud knowing that there is hope if you discovered that there is no #5. It indicates there are actual brain cells circulating up there somewhere.


This is Tuesday, right?

I'm wondering why blogger is acting as though this were Monday!
I can't get into any of the blogger sites including my own. Dammit!

Monday, March 22, 2004

Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without
water.. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

********POOF****** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

********POOF***He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.

I'm going to prepare myself

Look for lightening strikes, runaway trucks, for thinking these are funny.

Maybe if I don't mention her by name,,,,,,,,,,,

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Yes Ma'am I do need to look into one of these.

Although, these males around my house really need it ringed in flashing neon!

Saturday, March 20, 2004

More today

I was interrupted before I finished posting all my photos today.

MeriKate still looks a little banged up but it's not slowing her down much.

The Chickie played hard all day and here she's coming out of a cupboard that I let her play in.


The peach trees are blooming.

A couple of my early irises are also abloom.

And my plum tree is bursting out all over!

Friday, March 19, 2004

Friday (I read that somewhere today)

My Chinese willow tree that I've been growing for 12 yrs is dead!

One of the blooming trees I planted last year (which supposedly grows 10 ft a year), is missing. The other looks like a 7in stick stuck in the ground.

The cell phones arrived and I spent another 30 minutes on the phone canceling my order and getting return instructions. The damn things aren't as big as a cigarette package and I'd have to have a magnifying glass to see the numbers. As much as I hate Altell lately, guess I'll stay rather than try to use the cingular midgets.

I received a call from a client and have to go into the office Monday afternoon to do 1 tax return.

I feel like a right bitch today. Does it show?

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Tripping the Rift

If ya'll haven't already been by the Scifi Channel and taken a look at Tripping the Rift, you should!! It can pass as a children's show with the great animations but has just enough naughtiness to keep even the most bored of us entertained.

*a foulmouthed violet alien

*a shiny gold robot with a prissy accent

*a babe that makes Seven of Nine look about as sexy as an engine block (okay, a well-lubricated engine block)

I'm talking about Tripping the Rift, the new animated series that started last fall on the SciFi channel. These guys go beyond skewering science fiction archetypes and cliches. They impale them, draw and quarter them, and then dance exhuberantly among the entrails.

The Tripping The Rift preview is now available for download, and ranks right up there among the funniest shit I've seen in forever. Download it now. Uh... "Make it so." Or something.

(Warning: includes gratuitous violence to stormtroopers, crude sexual byplay, and evil clowns with lightsabers. May not be suitable for children younger than 12, or George Lucas)

This space babe is my favorite character. T'Nuk in all her glory!

I have been entertained!

I feel useless.

Yesterday the phone rang and Zach ran to answer it. The one-sided conversation I heard was:

"When you commin home"?

"Can we play baseball"?

"Naw, she's too old"

"Ok, bye".

What would you get out of that?

I love friends with a great sense of humor!

Now when your day starts out like this, you just know it's gotta get better.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

When a friend makes me laugh, I just gotta share it!

I was about to fall out of my chair laughing when I got this!!

Can't help it, gotta do it

Post this I mean.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity, when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.

Driving behind the couple were a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said,
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"


Only an hour and 45 minutes and I've changed cell phone service and ordered new phones!

In the midst of my ditzy week

I'm fumble-ina again this week and I'm glad that it waited till this week instead of last week when I had all those chillins.

Last night when I was clearing up the kitchen (after taking a break before tackling it), I had a container of pinto beans in one hand and a container of left-over roast and veggies in the other. Out of nowhere the beans container took on a life of it's own and I found out that they don't make those lids to handle a drop from about 4 ft.
I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning beans from the floor, the dishwasher, the cabinets, and the fridge.

Hubby slept through the whole thing, even the cursing and yelling part.

So hey Kat, I got no beans!

Animal's Revenge

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

It's hard to believe this was the same child in PICU this time last week.


I finally put real clothes on today for a couple of hours in order to go do the things that I should have done yesterday but didn't because I didn't want to take off my pjs.

I went to see my little black man to pay the bills for the Improvement Dist and pick up their deposits to take to the bank.

I went to the bank and made the deposits, cashed a check, and paid Zach's registration fees for baseball this season.

I forgot to go by the water company to pay my bill so I had to backtrack. Did that and paid it.

Went to my bank to make a deposit.

Stopped at taco bell to get Zach a taco salad for lunch.

Came home and as I was putting my pjs back on I was thinking that I really could have left them on to do all those things except to pay the Improvement Dist bills cause I did everything else at the drive-thru.

I think it would be nice to have drive-thrus everywhere.

Monday, March 15, 2004

Real Women Cooking Tips

LADIES- If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."

REAL WOMEN- If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking, that's too
bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it
and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

LADIES- Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You're probably sitting on the couch with your
feet up anyway.

LADIES- To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

LADIES- Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares!

LADIES- When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
inside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN- Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for

LADIES- Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN- Sara Lee frozen freakin' pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.

LADIES- If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN- Go ask the very hot neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....
LADIES- Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN- Leftover wine??

This guy must have been a redneck.


A Russian wrestler and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"So, the trainer exclaimed, "that is what finished him off!"

"Not exactly" he says, "You'd be amazed at what happens when you bite your own balls."

Sunday, March 14, 2004

What ever happened to your favorite Disney character?

What Ever Happened to Your Favorite Disney Character?

MICKEY MOUSE: Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK: Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

PLUTO: Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY: Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE McDUCK: Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY AND LOUIE: Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

CHIP AND DALE: Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.

SNOW WHITE: Fell for the "apple trick" again.

DOPEY: 'nuff said.

SNEEZY: Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY: Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY: Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC: Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY: Never woke up.

BASHFUL: Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS: Shot down over Iraqui airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH: Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET: Gunned down in a mafia hit.

RABBIT: Died of an aneurism while watching over his garden.

EEYORE: Committed suicide.

TIGGER: Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

PETER PAN: Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL: Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

Subject: Wrong Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very
same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of
many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

Lazy Sunday

I've done very little of anything today. I didn't even wake up until almost 10! I went to bed kind of late last night and was feeling sorta stuffy so I decided to take some cough medicine/antihistimine that the doc had given Zach a few months back. Since the prescription was for 1 tsp. for him, I took 2. This was not good.

I was feeling a little queasy and pretty much like I'd had a shitload to drink when I went to bed but once I stretched out I went away to lala land pretty quick. Then the nightmares started.

I dreamed that I couldn't move anything on my left side. I thought I was awake and remember falling from the bed and crawling from Zach's room to where James and Zach were asleep in our bed. I guess I finally woke myself up during this mental struggle and was very relieved that everything was working. I rolled over and went back to sleep and damned if I didn't dream it again except this time I could move nothing but my head. When I finally woke myself from the second nightmare, I got my old drugged ass up and went into the living room and got on the couch.

This morning I looked up his prescription and the stuff had codiene in it. I'm allergic to codiene so it's no wonder the dream demons couldn't do their usual job!

I followed this little bloom link over at Wanda's

what's your inner flower?

[c] sugardew

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Another bad un


Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


I woke up at 8 a.m. this morning with Zach staring nose to nose at me. I screamed and he ran. That's not such a good way to wake up a nearly 50 yr old fat lady but it did get my heart to pumping right smartly. I wonder if that's considered acceptable cardio exercise?

I made my way to the kitchen to throw some cereal and milk into a bowl for my alarm clock and when I'd just sat down to enjoy my first cup, in walked Jami with the girls. Since I was at the computer doing my sippin, I had to hurry up and finish up what I was doing in order to stand guard since the mobile little ladies act up very badly when their momma is around. MeriKate couldn't join them in their search and destroy mission today so I only had 2/3rds of the troops to curtail. Zach wasn't on his best behavior either and got ass spats twice before 10.

Then the visitors arrived.

While I was in the shower and preparing a sponge bath for MeriKate, Jami's friend Scarlett arrived (aka KaKa) with her 15 mon old son. Normally this would have meant an increase in security at the home front, but KaKa is really good about keeping up with her little one (accept for the one time when he tried to take out my glass storm door with a toy tractor), and she even helped a bit by riding herd over Zach and his sisters.

Georgie and Jessica from next door dropped by next.

Then Cindy, one of Jami's neighbors, with her 9 yr old son.

James called around 11 to ask me how I was enjoying a more peaceful day without the extra kids and I held up the phone a minute to let him hear all the wonderful peace then asked him how he thought I was enjoying it.

I heated up some chicken noodle soup for the troops at noon, let it boil over and smoked up the kitchen and living room. After that I decided it might be a good idea for Nanny to slip away for a short time, so I threw on some clothes, grabbed my purse and told Jami I needed to pick up a few groceries.

That hours peace was soooooooo sweet.

I arrived back home and cooked supper for three families and now they've all gone home and I'm so damned tired I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

So what fun things did everyone else do today??

Friday, March 12, 2004

Delightful News

The babe was able to come home for the weekend. She has to go back on Monday to have some more tests but hopefully they won't keep her. For now they're letting things heal on their own. She still can't open her right eye unless she takes her hand and opens it. If there's muscle damage they are pretty sure it can be fixed.

She's one happy little girl to be home!

Heh, Heh, Heh,

I like this, thanks friend for sending it my way.

I'm outnumbered!

Since yesterday morning I've been trying to think of a punishment to fit the crime. Zach and Krysten got my new bottle of cologne (little one thank goodness) and used it for air freshener while I was taking my bath. Sneaky little imps then hid it, like I wouldn't know something was up to walk into a room that suddenly smelled like a French whore house.

Friday Funny

A lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the
top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told
him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was, and how she came to
get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go
into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area
and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."

Thursday, March 11, 2004


Another long day. MeriKate had a little episode last night and they did an emergency MRI at around 11pm. I think they finally came to the conclusion around midnight that the morphine was the culpret and they had to discontinue the pain meds for awhile.

Today they moved up the surgery time to 11 a.m. so I was at the hospital before 10. They finally took her in at about 12:45, sedated her, did a pre-op exam and brought her back out. There was still too much swelling to do the surgery. One doctor mentioned that if the bones are aligned in the proper place there is a possibilty that they won't do surgery at all. I think we are all wishing they'd make up their minds as to what they're going to do. She's got a wonderful team of doctors but just from the short time I was there today, I could see that there are times when they come in and get their information about another team member's opinion from the parents instead of from the patient charts. I suppose they get together when it's important to do so because MeriKate looks and feels a whole lot better today than she did late Monday evening.

She is getting up and moving around some but so far the only thing they've gotten her to eat is ice cream and a banana.

I have Zach and both his sisters now, since last night. Alexis has been sick with her tummy again and it's just too much for Jerri to keep trying to help by taking care of another one. I have an appointment with a tax client in the morning so I'm taking both the girls to the office after Zach leaves for school. I imagine it'll be a trial but ya gotta do what you gotta do.

The sister-in-law was there today and she mentioned in passing that Jami is certainly straight forward in her opinions. I told her of course she was, I taught her well not to put up with too much idiotic bullshit. She just put this big-eyed innocent look on her face and that's all she had to say about that. (grin)

MeriKate with mommy and daddy in surgery holding.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Wed eve some more

You know, this kid thing is pretty tough business when you've gotten a bit older. I almost forgot to feed Abie her lunch today. Zach isn't going to let you forget to feed him, but Miss Abie is quiet and so busy with her toys that I just forgot about real food until after our naps. I usually don't remember to eat until my stomach begins to rumble loud enough to wake the dead when I'm at home alone. Poor baby is probably hoping her mommy gets home soon although I know she's not starving because of the grazing she does. I just feel guilty that I forgot about a healthy lunch until 1pm today.

After we had a late lunch, we went to town to go to the bank and restock the chocolate milk and snacks. I bought a bag of apples and some grapes so that perhaps she'll be swayed towards more healthy snacks. While we were waiting in the check-out line a little old man parked himself behind me. I honestly thought it was accidental when he bumped me in the hip the first time (although it was a bit painful), so I turned and sort of gave him a questioning smile. The second time he pushed hard enough that I started to step around to the side of my cart and he nabbed my heel with his cart. The old fart didn't get a smile that time and I reckon the snarl gave him pause about doing it again. I hope he didn't think I was being slow or something cause there was someone in front of me being checked out. Abie kept saying as I limped my way out to the truck, "Nanny gotta booboo"?

I guess the old guy was just trying to make his day more amusing.

Wed eve

They loaded our babe up with steroids to reduce the swelling so they'll be doing surgery tomorrow afternoon. I'll be leaving in the morning after I've gotten Zach to school and the little ones (I also have Krysten now too) to the sitter. MeriKate has proven over the past 3 days that she's one hell of a fighter so I'm thinking that this'll be a breeze for her.

I ain't believing this!

The closing bid on this was $65!

My ugly EX girls Glass Eyeball

This is got me to wondering what I might have that's worth $65.

Thank you