Monday, March 13, 2006

Changing,,,a little

It’s been said that the only thing constant in life is change. People change, circumstances change, things change. Change can be small, big, subtle or sudden. Sometimes it’s a breeze, other times it’s a painful process. Change may be a choice we make, or it may be imposed on us. A new job, getting married, starting a family, moving house – these are examples of life changes we may experience. Some people view change as a positive challenge, others fret and agonize over the consequences of new situations. Few of us deal with change without feeling unruffled but I don't deal with it well at all. Change makes me grieve and I've been doing some powerful grieving lately.

My husband made a remark to my son over the weekend that I'd changed over the past year or so, and he didn't feel that it was for the good. I've given this some thought today and have to agree that I have changed but it's taken more than a year, and I feel it's all been for the good, for me, even though I feel I've had to fight for every inch I've gained and it's most often been a very exhausting. I have not, however, changed enough and I don't expect I ever will because I still have this part of me that will always keep the feelings of others and their needs in the forefront but I don't think I'm allowing them to step on me quite as much as I once did and that's the part of change that's not to their liking.

I think the biggest change I've made is my decision to let them know, by action or inaction, that I want to feel valued, that what I feel and think is as important as what anyone else feels and thinks even when they disagree. There have been many references to my bitchiness of late but what the hell, it's now or never, right? I have my doubts that there's another half century left ahead of me to wait for the respect that I feel I deserve. They can like it or not cause I'm getting fed up with being last most of the time dammit!

Ok, I'm done bitching now.


Special K said...

The problem isn't with you changing, but with those around you accepting it. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask to be treated with dignity and respect, Brenda, no matter if it's finally come at this late date. And I completely understand why you're hurt: by their resistance to this supposed change in you, it's implied you don't deserve what you're asking for.

Speaking as someone who's only known you a little less than 4 years, and hasn't even met you in person, I can tell you their resistance is unmerited and the few inches of ground aren't only deserved, they're but a drop in the bucket for what should be coming to you.

This makes me so mad.

Hoot Nannie said...

You go girl! Good for you. Sure they don't think your change is for the good because you are not being completely submissive to their needs and wants and way of thinking. Well, like it or not, they had better get use to it....because we are women....hear us roar! We are equal human beings and deserve respect! SO.....Stay strong!

cas said...

Special K said it all. I have been reading your story for a good while now, and it's my opinion that you are a very good-hearted person. And often people who are so giving are taken advantage of by the people who care about them the most.

Hang in there, and take good care of yourself.

Virginia Gal said...

Here here sister, I totally know what you are talking about. I get that a lot - people discounting my views or thoughts, perhaps because I don't give off a ready air of intelligence, I don't know. But it frustrates me beyond belief. I'm taking the stand you are, life is too short for me to just grin and bear it anymore!

Holly said...

sometimes i think the hardest part of change is dealing with the people around you during the process.

with my weight issues i never really and truly realized how much gravity food held in my family, and in our culture. some people are relieved when i suggest changes or modifications, others are offended and horrified.

not even a month after my WLS my mother in law took us all out to dinner. she really pressured me to "eat up" hinting that she paid alot of money and wanted to get her money's worth. i wanted to stab her with a fork.

BlueJean Baby said...

Well, haven't they heard? Change is good? ;)
I'm with everyone else. Be strong, hon. You deserve it.

Barfolomew, but my friends call me Barf! said...

Everyone deserves respect as an equal human being. That is one of the greatest problems I've encountered in the church. We speak a good sermon, but living up to it is tough. Hang in there, hon.

Andie Pandie said...

I second everything Special K just said. :) The fact they are being selfish is THEIR problem, not yours babe. Tell 'em to stuff it.

Anonymous said...

I went thru some of the same stuff a few years back and it was tough. But I held the course and things are better for me. So hold in there, don't give in and things will be better for you after awhile.

Mary Lou said...

Is it more than just the one that is upset? Probably not. We all change. We have to or we lose ourselves, and that is no way to live. You have had to hold this family up, and doing it by yourself has got to become heavy! Tell Him that you need some help carrying all this weight on your shoulders, Get Trish and James and Jamie on your side and ATTACK!! I for one am PROUD of you standing up for yourself. You are not a Bitch, you are a bodacious BABE!!!

CJ said...

I'm sure there are a lot of us that could dang near write a book about "gettin' no respect", at some time or another in our lives. Sometimes even though I sit on my ass daily and don't work outside the home, I feel that "respect" is lost when it comes to the little things one does.

I'm not saying I want someone to praise me for every little thing I do, but just acknowledge it with a smile, a hug, or a thank you. Is that asking too much? When I watch your kids for a few hours or a whole day, tell me you appreciate it, don't take me for granted. When I do your taxes, saving you a few hundred dollars, say thanks, don't walk off with your forms like it was nothing.

We all change, like Mary Lou said, if we didn't we'd lose ourselves. However, I don't think anyone should feel we have to change for everyone else, we should change for US. When it comes down to letting people know how you feel about certain things, sometimes I swan they have to dang near be hit over the head with a ball bat. Then you have to tell them WHY you hit them because it's like they've taken your feelings and decisions and tossed them in a poke (sack) and that poke is sittin' in the back room and forgot about.

Let her rip whenever you feel the need to "get it off your chest", cause since we don't snore, burp, sweat or fart, we MUST bitch or we'll Explode! :) xoxoxo

Sally said...

I think you've had to 'give up' too much already to have to continue being a doormat. Oops, maybe shouldn't have said that. But, you know what I mean. Any kind of relationship is like a stretched piece of elastic - when you've been on the other end getting hit because someone didn't hold on, there comes a time when you have to let go yourself - let go, and BE yourself. I don't think you're bitching at all; I think you're telling it like it is! More power to you, Ms. Brenda.

Leslie said...

I take my hat off to you, Brenda. It's not easy standing one's ground in the face of pressure to give in. The sooner they realize that a happier Brenda means a happier them, the better. The squeaky wheel gets the grease....I hope you keep on squeakin' until you get every single thing that's rightfully yours.

cultureshock553 said...

I'm also w/Special K.

Sometimes when we change it scares/maddens the people we live with because they don't understand/no longer feel in control. Even if it's too late for your husband and son (and they'll probably come around eventually), you're setting a great example of female independence and self-respect for Zach.

I've found as I've gotten older, I I have far less patience for other people's B.S. I think this is a good thing, even if THEY don't.:)

wanda said...

Over the past six months I've learned a few things. One is that people rarely react positively to change. The amount of resistance they put up is directly equal to how much that change is going to affect them on a personal level. They don't want to see other's making changes because that upsets their comfortable little world and they might have to face some unpleasant truths about themselves. Then there are those who are just flat out jealous.
I've also learned I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and that I don't really need the approval of others in order to do what's best for me.
Since you and I are very close in age, maybe this is our 'mid-life' crisises. If that's the case, I'm determined the second half of my life is going to be a darned sight happier than the first part.
As the song on my blog says, "There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone."

Those around me can get on board and come along for the ride. Or watch from a distance, because I'm movin on.
We are WOMAN, hear us ROAR!