Thursday, March 02, 2006

Why,,I'll swaney!

I don't know what that means but my grandmother used to say it when she was indicating surprise about something. Anyway,,my surprise, or lack there of, concerns these

Strange Patient Chart Notations

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (HA!)

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (My favorite)

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. (double HA)

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. (Ya think?)

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. (Sounds like my family doctor)

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. (Hey, those are my symptoms!)

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. (Ok, I laughed out loud at this one)

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Not a good think I take it?)

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.


cassie-b said...

I always thought it was "Well, I swaan" Pardon the spelling.

Maybe that's because we heard it in different parts of the south.

Special K said...

Ha ha! If someone examined my thyroid rectally, I would HOPE they'd make a note of it.

wanda said...

"occasional, constant, infrequent..."

Sounds like my life!
These really made me laugh.

And NOBODY is rectally examininng anything of mine!

Brent said...

Oh, yeah, those doctors make the bucks because they are sooo smart!! Maybe if they could just learn to write!

David said...

Okay those cracked me up and I needed a laugh this Friday morning.

Anonymous said...

Rectal exam to get thyroid results? Hmmm, that's definately an intrusive exam, would't you agree


Leslie said...

I think my sphincter just slammed shut ;)

Happy Friday, Brenda! Is everyone healthy again at your place?

Phyllis said...

HAHAHAHA Being an EMT working on an ambulance, I had to fill out many patient exam forms. Those cracked me up!! Hmmm, as a matter of fact, some of them sound familiar!! HAHAHAHA

Sally said...

"I swan" was my grandmother's saying. Funny how we remember these things.

This post was a hoot; I actually got a few of them. Time to touch up my roots. :)

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