Monday, February 23, 2004

Feeling down Monday

I understand how much a loved one can hurt you like noone else on earth can. Lord knows I've experienced enough of it. What I can't understand is allowing your hurt to cause you to be uncaring towards those who had nothing to do with the hurt that was done.

Our oldest daughter was her father's pride and joy. She's intelligent beyond anything I can describe here but she made choices once she left our care that my husband refuses to forgive her for. She has two beautiful daughters but because they are biracial, and she made the decision not to marry their father, my husband has stated that she's nothing but white trash and refuses to allow her to visit.

He might as well have driven a stake through my heart. My granddaughters don't deserve this sort of treatment because they had nothing to do with my daughter's decision or their grandfather's biasedness. When Jordan, the oldest, said to me one day, "Nanny, I know my PopPop loves me even if I don't see him", I had to wipe my eyes to be able to see to drive the rest of the way home.

His continuance in being cruel, and I do feel this is cruelty, has caused my feelings for him to change. I no longer love him and worse, I no longer respect him, and if I were a cruel person, I'd tell him to move out regardless of how much it would hurt my family. But I'm not a cruel person and this is tearing me apart so that I really hate the holidays and special times when families are supposed to be together.

I wish I could understand.

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