Thursday, June 17, 2004

Life's Truths

On Government Doings

Fighting for peace is like f___ing for virginity.

I asked for universal health care and all I got was this lousy stealth bomber.

The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

Dont be mad at your government. They haven't done anything.

Murphy's Laws

When you believe you have seen the utmost of one's stupidity they never cease to amaze you and go one step further.

If you have a 50% chance of being right, you're wrong 90% of the time.

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&* upside the head

If you hold a hammer in your hand, everything around you will look like a nail.

If you try to be better than worse, you'll be better at being worse.

Clicking your heels three times means you've fallen and can't get up.

Things can't get worse if you were born an Amazon pygmy cannibal

In view of the current work-load, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.

Man is the only animal able to retrace his steps to make the same mistakes previously avoided.

Even the darkest hour has only 60 minutes.

Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.

If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?

if a man has it he won't want it,
the guy who buys it won't use it,
the guy who uses it could give a shit about it,
so don't give a shit and you will have it all.

If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.

Marriage is like a dog with a bone, he might not touch it, just doesn't let another dogs come near it.

On Maturity

Midlife brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

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