Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I love my country life but....

there are a few little irritations that come with country livin.

1. The same sweet, little, frolicking, baby, rabbits that you enjoy watching as you sit outside in late afternoon will wait until night to take bites out of that tomato that you've been patiently waiting to ripen.

2. Those same sweet, little, frolicking, bunnies will also eat the bark off the bottom of your cypress tree.

3. You are stuck with a dial-up connection unless you want to sell your soul to one of those satellite internet thingies.

4. Your dial-up is at the mercy of big-ass tractors who's drivers sleep as they make their way down the road and in the process take out your mail box and the main phone box down the road. The weather and kids who like to use anything sticking up out of the ground for target practice wreck their havoc too.

5. Since you live in the country where there are no laws about animals, you run across the grass and across the road to your rural mail box (the one that's laying in the ditch) and suddenly have to do an olympic long jump over the smelly logs (enough to build a cabin!) that the neighbor's St.Bernard walked over a hundred yards to deposit in your yard.

6. When you're at a little league ball game and you lock your keys in the truck, you find out that the park is about 100 yards outside the city limits and the city police won't come out. You also find out, after you've stood in the rain beside your locked truck for an hour, that the sheriff's department does not have the tools to unlock the door and there's no locksmith within a 70 mile radius.

7. When you cry, standing in the rain beside your locked truck, most people give you a sympathetic glance and walk right on by because they already know what you didn't know about the city limits and the sheriff department's lack of unlock tools.

8. Telephone repairs in the country are usually put at the bottom of the repair list but they do work past 5 p.m.

I'm sure there's more but right now I'm peeking out the window at an unobstructed country view of the lovely sun setting after a day of rain and clouds. AND my phone line is fixed so I can post this!


Country Boys Can Survive

A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."