Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Thoughts and faint memories keep bouncing around in my mostly empty head after reading Leslie's blog this morning. I think I'm past most of the things that have happened to me on my journey to who I am now, but I'm not sure if they've all made me stronger. I'm quite sure I haven't forgiven.

The summer before I turned 6, we had just come back to Arkansas after spending the year in MN. We stayed with my mother's parents for the summer I think but my memories of that summer are pretty dim. It was the summer that I lost a lot of my childhood.

My grandparents lived on a farm and across the narrow dirt lane that they lived on was a family who had one son. I remember his name was Butch but I can't recall his face or even the sound of his voice. I only remember that Butch molested me that summer and spending weeks and months being terrified of him. When my sisters and I talk about things that we did as children, I have to rely on their memories because I only recall bits and pieces of the years from that summer until I was around age 9 or so. My family knows nothing of the experience and I'm quite sure I'll never share it with them cause I still remember his threats.

Really, I don't think the experience made me stronger. It made me old. It made me insecure. If I can't remember things then I am surely not totally past it. I know I'll never forgive him. He was 12, I was 5, we were both children, but he knew better and he hurt me. So,,, does not forgiving make me a bad person?

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