I've finally gotten the yard mowed. That only took about an hour or so since it's only a half acre. The rest is supposed to be in sunflowers (that I think they killed with the herbicide they used). I've also taken a little bike ride with Zach to try to wear him out a little.

I came indoors, dust and grass covered. Hopped into the shower and as soon as the spray hit me I remembered! NO HOT WATER!! #*#&@^@^$&!!!!

Well now Dang It, I am slowly but surely getting around to reading all of my favorite blogs this morning and I get to Leslie's and it looks all different and there is NO comments thingy. I'm sure hoping it's not going to be one of THOSE kinds of days!

Early in the day yesterday, hubby called me to relay the information that contractors would be working on the water lines and I was given instructions to turn the breaker off to the hot water heater. I did this and was without hot water for the entire day, and thinking that they'd finished working on the lines, turned it back on last night. I just had another call telling me that the contractors didn't get around to doing the work yesterday (no wonder I had cold water all day yesterday) and that they'd be doing it today so be prepared to be without water again.

Again? The assholes didn't DO it the first time. I spent all day without hot water and expecting to be without any water for nothing. Now ,,another day of it? And what is taking them so long anyway? After today, I will have spent two freakin days sitting on HOLD wondering IF and WHEN I'll be without or have water.

I wonder if they need a female supervisor down there on the job?

Timm's been at it again!!


HILLBILLY HONEYMOON!

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband
jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I
gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top
of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what in tarnation're you doin'
here, dang it? You're supposed ta be on your honeymoon with your new gal!"

The son says, "Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn
it!"

"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough
for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"

I haven't done much today, but I did take a few photos, so here ya go!


Mimosa Tree


While reading Special K's blog today I could sympathize with the "twitchy" feelings thing. I've also felt like that all day. There can't be a full moon down here too can there?

Mallard's Sweet T

So far, my agenda today consists of doing a payroll (if Barry gets here with the check book), making some stuffed bell peppers, and taking a nap!! Did I leave anything of importance out?

Oh,,ok,,that's better.

Weird stuff is going on with my blog this morning. I'm hoping I didn't accidently change something I shouldn't have.

I just came in for a landing and hopefully will get a little rest before leaving again later for another ball game. The kindergarten graduation was about as cute as cute can get this morning. After the ceremony was over, he thought he was supposed to go to First grade immediately. I haven't told him yet that he doesn't have to go to school for a few weeks now. I'm afraid the excitement would kill us both!!

When leaving a restaurant last week I ran into an old tax business associate. After we had greeted each other she suddenly blurted out, "You know I have cancer, don't you?" I was speechless for a second and then said all that I could think of to say, "I'm so sorry Debra. I did not know that you were ill." After which she began to tell me about her sudden collapse and the eventual diagnosis of her disease and optional treatment choices.

Did I handle this right? What should I have said to this woman only 10 years my senior? She has a disease which she knows will kill her, the doctor said there is no cure for this. I feel as though I failed to provide the needed response to her revelation. I can only guess at what she must be going thorough, so was just listening to her enough?

On the drive home, my thoughts went to other times when I'd had no idea what to say to ease another's pain. When my brother-in-law broke down a the funeral home during the visitation for his 20 yr old son, all I could do was sit in the floor with his head in my lap and hold him and cry with him. I felt useless for not knowing what to do. It was the same 8 months later when my sister lost her first born at age 25. My youngest sister and I stayed with her as she watched him die. Was it enough?

I don't know their pain. I hope I never do. Maybe all I could do was listen, or hold them, or be there, because maybe there are no words.

In a little while, I'm going to go look to see what the dreaded Wal*mart has in the line of digital video recorders. Zach's graduation is tomorrow and my old standby went up in smoke so he said to go ahead and buy one (an early birthday present). If I can't move the movies to a cd to watch on tv it'll be useless for me, more new things to learn, so wish me luck in my search.

I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace. I recently read an
article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a fifth of Vodka, a box of chocolate candy, and I slapped the crap out of someone I have never liked. I feel better already.

I'm passing this along to friends who might need a little "inner peace".

Timm really sends me smiles thoughout my days!

The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

I'm still pretty upset. I don't do well when I'm sitting on a potential explosive device. I cornered my daughter yesterday about the little, heart-stopping remark that Zach came out with the other night. She did her innocent stare thing and acted as though she didn't know what I was talking about (she's very good at this). I've come to the conclusion that I love my youngest daughter very much, but I don't like her very often. I really think I could do major damage if someone hurts this child.

I just had to post one of those cool maps, now I hope that dang thing works. Still no sign of the counter thingy.

I've posted some of the very best finds and one really funny quote. Am I the only one who appreciates my sick sense of humor?

I'm tired, I'm gonna go eat some supper and take a nap before bedtime, that's how good my day has been!

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to
identify woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Timm's take on Spam:

"my dick's as big as it's gonna be, my septic tank is ok and I've already refinanced. wish they would stop"

NEW CLASSES FOR MEN AT YOUR LOCAL
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
Note Due to the complexity and difficulty level, each course will accept
a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Tray.
Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2 Toilet Paper Does It Grow On The Holder?
Round table discussion.
Topic 3 Is It Possible To Urinate By Lifting The Seat And Avoid
Splashing the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group practice.
Topic 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper
And The Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 Dishes And Silverware Can They Levitate And Fly Into
The Sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 6 Identity Crisis Losing The Remote To Your Significant
Other.
Help line support and support groups.
Topic 7 Learning How To Find Things Looking In The Right
Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 8 Health Watch Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful
To Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Real life testimonials (may be deleted due to unavailability of any
men able to give testimonials).
Topic 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She
Parallel Parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 11 Learning About Life Basic Differences Between
Mother and Wife.
On-line class and role playing.
Topic 12 How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion.
Exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.
Topic 13 How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy Remembering
Birthdays, Anniversaries, and other Important Dates.
Bonus Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral shock therapy session.

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to
use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in
the summer, cold in the winter and stunk all the time. The outhouse
was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one
day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So
he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad,
I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in
that cherry tree."

Now I've got to go have a quick cup of coffee to try to counteract those 3 beers I had out in the hot sun before I have to leave to drive to the ball game!

I am soooooooooooo pooped and my day isn't nearly over yet. Zach's coach called and they have a ballgame tonight! We've had a good time today. My son's friends came to the cookout and we've been royally entertained all afternoon but nanny sure is glad everyone has gone and it's just Zach and I now. I think we ended up with 12 folks here at one point.

Zach popped out a comment last night that is going to cause me some major sleepless nights I think. I had been trying to talk him into going to bed at around 11 pm and he wasn't having any of it. He was coloring and suddenly he said, "I have 3 daddies you know". I was drapped out on the couch and I mumbled,,"three"? He said, "yep, there's daddy Keith, pop-pop, and my daddy in Colorado."

At this moment, my heart stopped.

My daughter was a senior in high school when she found out she was pregnant with Zachary. She was adamant about giving him up for adoption. She wasn't ready to care for a child and she didn't want us to. I cried, I begged, I prayed and practically went insane about this decision of hers to give my first grandchild to strangers. The father wanted nothing to do with a child in any way so there was no help in that direction. Fortunately Jami changed her mind after Zach was born and after we went to the courts and got the adoption papers reversed, we were able to get him back when he was 4 days old. I gave her my promise then to take care of him and see that he needed nothing if she'd just keep him.

Zach is now 6 years old. How can this man have the nerve to contact him? ( How could his mother let this happen?) He signed away all rights to him before he was born for christ sake! He's not human! I don't feel good about this. I don't want this child to be hurt. I'm scared.

I stumbled up on some of these new-age terms:

"salmon day"
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end. (the kind of day Special K has been having frequently).

"SITCOM"
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

"world wide wait"
WWW.

"prairie dogging"
In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and
everyone pops up to look.

"percussive maintenance"
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working. (I use this method often)

Whilst looking at the recently published blogs, I came across this little item. I think it's cool that this dude wears what he wants to.

Well shit,,,My template won't appear...now what's going on???

Saturday was a good day. I was able to have hugs and kisses from Jordan and Jaylen but my sister had arranged a scrapbooking workshop and my daughter was the hostess so it wasn't exactly the kind of visiting day I'd expected. I really did enjoy being able to ride instead of having to drive and my daughter-in-law, Jerri, entertained me the entire time with funny little stories. We detoured to the mall in North Little Rock on the way home where I bought all of the girls new summer dresses and Zach some spiderman briefs (he is soooo proud).

And I slept until 7:30 this morning!!

Martha Stewart vs. Real Women

Martha Stewart:

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up."

Real Women:

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it."

Martha Stewart Cure for headaches:

Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will
go away.

Real Women Cure for headaches:

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might
still
have the headache, but who cares?

Martha Stewart:

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice
cream drips.

Real Women:

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake.

Martha Stewart:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

Real Women:

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry. It lasts
for up
to a year.

Martha Stewart:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the
cake.

Real Women:

Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha Stewart:

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women:

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites
over
the crust.

Martha Stewart:

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They
give a nonslip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women:

Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important, and most telling, difference:

Martha Stewart:

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use
in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women:

Leftover wine??????
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Robert St. John, executive chef and owner of the Purple Parrot
Cafe, Crescent City Grill and Mahogany Bar of Hattiesburg, MS
wrote this.
Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Virginia. While
hanging out with his friend, the discussion turned to popular
movies of the day.

When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social
relevance of the movie Billy Jack, one of the boys asked, in all
seriousness; "Do you guys have movie theaters down there?"

To which I replied, "Yep. We wear shoes too."

Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine
seminar in Aspen, Colo. We were seated with two couples from Las
Vegas. One of the Glitter Gulch gals was amused and downright rude
when I described our restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.

"Mississippi doesn't have fine-dining restaurants!" she demanded
and nudged her companion.

I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the
land that invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet.

I wanted badly to defend my state and my restaurant with a 15-
minute soliloquy and public relations rant that would surely
change her mind. It was at that precise moment that I was hit with
a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a moment of complete and
absolute clarity it dawned on me -- my South is the best-kept
secret in the country. Why would I try to win this woman over? She
might move down here.

I am always amused by Hollywood's interpretation of the South. We
are still, on occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty,
stupid, backwards-minded and racist rednecks. The south of movies
and TV, the Hollywood south, is not my south.

This is my south:

My south is full of honest, hardworking people. My south is the
birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n' roll. It has banjo
pickers and fiddle players, but it also has B.B. King, Muddy
Waters, the Allman Brothers, Emmylou Harris and Elvis.

My South is hot. My South smells of newly mowed grass. My South was
the South of The Partridge Family, Hawaii 5-0 and kick the can.

My South was creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

In my South, football is king.

My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried
chicken, grits and catfish. In my South we eat fois gras, caviar
and truffles.

In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and
the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the
rest of the country.

In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday.

In my South, family matters, deeply.

My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream,
banana pudding and oatmeal cream pies.

In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca Cola and hot
sauce on almost everything.

In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women.

My South has air-conditioning.

My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus
is the last person that got on the bus.

In my South, people still say, "yes, ma'am," "no ma'am," "please"
and "thank you."

In my South, we all wear shoes.... most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country. Please continue to
keep the secret.... it keeps the idiots away.

**thanks for the contribution Timm**

The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing
the redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out
your infection, you are not to have any relations
whatsoever!"

Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied,
"Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"

**contributed by Timm**

We're off to Little Rock today to see granddaughters, Jordan and Jaylen. I'll be taking cameras to capture the rare moments that I have with these two darlings. I think my sister is supposed to be in for the weekend from Missouri also so it's gonna be a good day. I hope all my friends out there have a wonderful Saturday!

Holy shit, I feel like I've been in a fight with a Mack truck and the truck won!

We did the Tball thing. Zach's team is now 4 and 0 (cocky little shits). About midway through the game my daughter-in-law came with the southern chickie in her stroller cause she had a game after Zach's, so we stayed and took care of the chickie while mommy played softball. My old tail feathers were already draggin, and chickie was in the wanderin mood. This meant that nanny carried the wandering chickie up and down, back and forth. Then we rocked as nanny hummed "Dixie" again about a hundred times. Chickie's mommy won her game so finally we were able to find our way home.

Tomorrow we have a date with Jerri (daughter-in-law) and Lexi (chickie) to go to Little Rock for the day. I think I'm gonna rest Sunday, and I mean it!

A little trivia for you:

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets
each year. (can you guess which sex?)

True Friendship
Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, I will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ..I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why, may you ask ?
Because you're my friend!

I'm baaack. Taking a little break now till time to head out to the ball field for a 5:30 game. I'll have to wait till my film is developed to post the couple of pics I took, it was so crowded on the bleachers that I had to point and shoot in between passing asses.

I sat with a friend I met last year during tball season. Her daughter played on the same team as Zach. Terrie is a U.S. Forrest Ranger and has a great sense of humor and a kick-ass job to boot. Anyway, we were sittin there, trying to figure out what was going on out on the track field, when this woman, Althea, comes up and stands right in front of us and begins talking to someone on the bleacher below us. Althea is not one of those people that you can look around. She has the stature of a full grown gorilla and although I'm sure she takes a bath, she never looks clean. She always wears some old raggy lookin something which only adds to the trashy image. After she moved down a bit to block someone else's view, I leaned over and said to Terrie, "I'm a big woman, but swear to me, if I EVER start looking like that in public, will you please just shoot me and put me outta my misery?" Then I ducked a little for fear that lightening would strike me for saying that about another human being, bless her heart!!

Zach got a second place ribbon for the relay!! Yeeehaaaa!

Dressed. Lipstick on. Here's a smile.

I've gotta get my lazy butt up from this chair and go off to the races. Photos to come!! Hope everyone is having a good one!

Special K is smilin again!!

Track and Field Day. Only 3 more days of kindergarden and these people are trying to cram a years worth of activities into them. Parents are welcome to attend and since Jami is working, that leaves this tired, old nanny, with a sore butt from the bicycle seat from hell, to go sit in the bleachers and cheer.


We go past these cuties on our bike ride.

Another contribution from Timm

Dear Tide Company:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used
it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was
the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's
house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She
started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to
another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as
well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it
just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of
liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They
came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank
you, once again, for a great product. Well, gotta go, I have to write
a letter to the Hefty bag people.
**edited version for Kat's eyes**

I feel like I slept in the floor last night for what little time I actually slept. Around 1:00am this morning I ran across this in the June Reader's Digest and it reminded me of something my grandma used to say a lot.

Celia Rivenbark wrote:

A Southerner can get away with the most awful insult, just as long as it is accompanied by the words "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart". As in, "She's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence, bless her heart."

As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad.

Last year, after our house burned, we stayed with our friends next door until we could get another house. Someone had given us an old sofa that folded out into a bed. (The bottom lifted up, and it made the back go down.) We put the sofa in an empty bedroom they had and that was where we slept.

One night, James had to get up to use the bathroom. He slept against the wall so he had to crawl over me to get out of the bed. When he climbed over, it unbalanced the sofa and it threw me out into the floor. I didn't wake up until I landed, and I couldn't figure out how in the hell I'd gotten in the floor. I looked up at him and asked him if I'd fallen out of bed. He just laughed and helped me up. The next morning when he got up for work, I made sure I scooted over on his side before he upended me again.

I was glad to put that sofa in my living room 3 weeks later and have them deliver me a bed!

I had a pretty good day today. I had my hair done, then actually found a blue tee for Zach to wear to his track and field day on Friday. Bought him a belt to go with his little shorts and shirt for his graduation from kindergarden and then I went to the August Moon and got some of their kung pao chicken to take home for my lunch. I read a little before having to go pick the kid up at school, and then (since I promised if it wasn't raining) we went for a 2 mile bike ride. Now my hair-do is done, my legs are weak, my back still aches, but I think I'll sleep really good tonight!

My son came by for a little visit too with one of his buddy's, so yep, it was a good day.

Not Favorite Things

*Beef
*Venison
*Having to dress up
*Underwear
*Being cold
*Outhouses
*Spiders and snakes
*Getting my feet dirty

Angry Things

*Users
*Walmart
*The medical system
*The legal system
*The postal system
*rude sales people
*Tree murderers
*Being lied to

Sad Things

*Lives wasted
*The homeless
*Unloved children
*War
*Winter
*Being unable to help someone in need
*Words not said that should have been
*Words said but not meant

Laugh Things

*A good joke.
*Garfield
*My sisters
*My friend the Hussy :-)
*The dinner table scene in The Nutty Professor
*Weezer in Steel Magnolias
*Parties

I can barely move this morning. The misty rain started about the time we arrived at the ballpark last evening, and along with it came the brisk north wind. I spent the hour huddled on the bleachers wishing I'd looked at the weather (like it would have done one damn bit of good), trying to stay warm and upright. It was my turn to buy hotdogs and drinks for the team so I had to fight the wind to bring cups and dogs to the dugout. Somewhere during that activity I've aggravated my back again. I think it probably didn't help either that I slept with Zach, a stuffed bunny, and two spiderman figurines last night.

This is another pic from a game last week. I didn't want to get my cameras wet last night.

Smile Things

*Children Playing
*A really good book
*A card or note from a friend
*Flowers
*Summertime
*Funky Earrings
*Time alone
*Good bread, strong coffee
*Lipstick
*Ice-cold beer

My office copier, repaired!

And oh yeah,,,,even MORE uses for duct tape! (I love this shit)heh,,,
For those who love Duck Tape that live in a trailer park or down South;
1. Daughter's chastity belt. (need two rolls or more)
2. To Tape nerds to be put in school lockers
3. Auto Repair, helps cover rust holes for Bondo.
4. Securing rear bumper on vehicle. (includes tail lights)
5. For kids that won't be quiet (secure over mouth)
6. Spending time with your neighbor’s cat (use your imagination)
7. Removing cat hair from clothes (from neighbor’s cat)
8. Holding can of beer to hand during intoxication.
9.Tapeing rear of man's pants to hide plumber's crack.
10.Hair remover strips for bikini line.
11.To help hide that nasty camel toe.

And one for Leslie,,,,

One day I was in my basement barefoot practicing my bass when my foot got stuck to my bass case, which I keep shut with duct tape. I looked down and noticed that there were also about 5 crickets stuck to the tape. I said to myself "hey this might work!". I set out my traps, about 4 strips of 8" tape around the cellar. A couple of nights later I found 13 crickets stuck to one piece. In a couple of weeks my house was free of crickets. I think they eat the glue. [Philip Paquette]

Ahhhhhhhhhh,,,I LOVE duct tape!

East meets West
meets Duct Tape.
Stumbling headfirst into the ancient Chinese philosophy of feng shui, The Duct Tape Guys emerge totally bewildered-but not before creating their own breathtakingly stupid philosophy. DUCT SHUI, as they call it, reveals the secrets of achieving harmony and happiness, all through the use of you-know-what.

With its terrific die-cut package (just to hold it feels peaceful, like a perfectly balanced roll of duct tape), DUCT SHUI is the newest work of inspired nuttiness from the guys who created the 365 Days of Duct Tape Calendar, The Jumbo Duct Tape Book, and other bestselling humor books.

• In Feng Shui, wind chimes and bird feeders stimulate the flow of chi (energy) in a yard. In DUCT SHUI, attract birds by duct taping plastic decoys to a birdbath.
• In Feng Shui, placing a wind chime in the front area of a home or office will summon people to help you. DUCT SHUI teaches that if you really want help, get some duct tape stuck in your hair and then pull hard-the screams will draw plenty of attention.
• In Feng Shui, a wind chime over the stove will cure binge eating. DUCT SHUI says enough with the wind chimes already! You can cure binge eating by placing duct tape firmly across your mouth.

I've been sorting though some EOBs this morning from my health insurance provider. I truly think they print these things in a foreign language just so that you'll get frustrated and say "to hell with it" and go ahead and pay the bills that they are stalling over. Insurance companies are on the top of my PISS ME OFF FAST list. Hospitals and doctors are right up there close to the top too.

The last time I was in the hospital with this kidney thingy I have, I had talked the doctor into letting me go home from my appointment with a promise to be in admissions bright and early the next morning. I arrived, cranky, hungry, feverish, and in pain to an empty waiting room in admissions where I still had to wait for half an hour for someone to call me in to do the paperwork. Finally an orderly came to escort me to my room where I sat, and sat, and sat, until I couldn't bear to sit anymore and climbed upon the bare mattress and went to sleep. Three hours later, I awoke still hungry, even crankier, and even more feverish. I still had not seen the admitting RN, hell, I had not seen ANYONE except the various personnel walking past the door. I decided to call my daughter in law who was the safety secretary in the hospital and meet her outdoors in a little gazebo for a quick smoke while I continued to wait.

As I stumbled down the corridor, I met the X-ray tech who'd come to take me for the tests that the doctor had ordered (aha,,,someone knew I was supposed to be there!), so I gratefully accepted the ride in the wheelchair down to the x-ray department. I told the radiologist that I had not really been officially admitted, had not seen a nurse, had no hospital bracelet, but if he'd do the tests so I could at least have a cup of coffee, and start my IV (cause by this time I was certain that I didn't want the delayed nurse to do it), that'd I wouldn't even cry when he stuck me.After the tests Michael wheeled me back where a nurse was finally waiting with a look of panic on her face. I told her to please just do what she had to do then get the hell out of there and leave me alone.

I spent the next three days in there, drugged and in pain, until I was finally able to pass the kidney stone that had landed me in that house of horrors. When the doctor told me I could go home, I went through the same waiting period that I had when admitted. I finally said, to hell with this,,after another 3 hour wait, took my own IV out, showered, dressed, and stopped at the nurses station and asked them to give me whatever I had to sign cause I was GOING HOME!

I have discovered a wonderful cleaning product Greased Lightening is some good stuff so all you ladies out there better rush out and get you some. Hubby learned of it's cleaning properties from the lady at the hardware store and uses it on the farm tractors, inside and out. After he read on the label about all the things it cleaned, he brought some home for me to try. I use it in my laundry room to take grass and ketchup stains out of little, once white, baseball pants and chocolate milk-stained tee shirts. It won't fade coloreds and doesn't have a strong smell so I use it liberally. As I've mentioned before, my name's not Martha, but I thought I'd share this. It's too good to keep under wraps!

It's Monday. And as with most Monday's, little else need be said except that I didn't have to get up and put on a happy face for work!!

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit
down and look comfortable.

This is day 3 of being in this house with an active 6 year old boy. He woke up with a tummy ache Friday morning so the only break has been the ball game on Friday evening. I just want the world to take note, if I make it though the rest of this day with my sanity, I deserve a million dollars for being a survivor!

I found these cuties awhile back. I think they portray the typical male's penis adoration (and safety of aforementioned).


Shall we mention penis safety here?

I seem to remember blogging about these same dreary rainy days back during the winter and early spring. At least it's warmer now and things are greening up like a jungle out there!

More rain last night. There is a lot of flooding, fields, roads and the farmers are in the midst of some bad times due to all this rain. The Mississippi River is also heading towards flood stage or above, so those with fields inside the levee that have been planted are going to be a total loss too.

Hubby drove down to the farm that he manages this morning, and couldn't even get to the shop because the roads were flooded, as were the fields, planted and as yet unplanted. Things are looking serious as hell down here.

This is just our road after the 2+ inches of rain overnight and most of it has drained down. The farm got between 4 and 5 inches of rain last night.

Another ballgame last night. It was storming all around us but since nothing was directly overhead the game went on. I took a few photos of our cutie doing his first base thing, but didn't take many because the flash kept going off and I noticed, after a few snaps, that the ladies on the bleachers below me were becoming quite hysterical. They thought my flash was lightening. An old farmer friend remarked,"Brenda, I told them that those things they called you were totally untrue".

The game was really a good one. I'm very proud to say that our team should win a trophy for good sportsmanship! One of our runners made a detour while on second base to help the other team capture the ball in the outfield behind the base, and after handing the ball to the secondbase man, he was tagged out. The little guy was pretty upset about having to go back to the dugout, but he got over it in good time. Our team won with a score of 11 to 9 so a little help given to the other team didn't hurt one bit.

The two little girls who were giving the coach so much trouble didn't make it to the game. I'm wondering if the mom's decided that dance classes might be more their style?

I really do think I need to see about losing some weight.

Hmmm, I'm gonna have to see about making the image files I post a little smaller I think.

We've been having some stormy weather down here the past couple of weeks.

I never would have figured I was old enough for Social Security,,,,

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes Canadian water get thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.8° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) Hell freezes over. Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

I found these on a funny page and thought I'd post them. They gave me a smile for sure!

On the other hand, maybe I DID lose my mind!

My husband was telling me today about our son's efforts to patch up a bridge that he has across a ditch in his driveway. I just shook my head when he mentioned that he'd bruised his hand and torn off a nail while doing the repairs. It brought back recollections of many trips to the doctor and to the emergency room with this child.

He was never sick which was a good thing. He has allergies to penicillin and a couple of the other antibiotics they give in the place of. We found out about the allergies when he was 17 months old. A neighbor had left some gas in a cola bottle on his porch and my son grabbed it and took a great gulp of it. That was our first trip to emergency. The doc pumped his stomach as 2 nurses and I held him bound in a straightjacket so that they could do this. I think I was crying harder than he was during all of this. After x-rays to see if he would develop chemical pneumonia and a night in an oxygen tent, he was released the next day with the antibiotics. Twelve hours later we were back to spend 5 days in there from the reaction to the antibiotics.

When he was about 8, for 3 of the next 4 summers, the same week in June each time, we were in the emergency room again. The first incident was a broken wrist from a fall he took while riding up and down on the roll-up doors at the farm shop.( Mind you, he told me he fell off of his bike!)

The next summer was the year of the pellet gun which was not loaded. The neighbor's little boy shot him in the leg with his own gun. They both ran screaming in to the house, "It was an accident, It was an accident", to a panicky mom wondering WHAT was an accident! Another trip to the emergency, where they did minor surgery to remove the phantom pellet from his calf.

We skipped the next summer and then when he was 10, he found a frog in the ditch in front of the house and in his attempt to catch the frog, he got a snake bite. Twelve hours later, after being on a heart monitor, and and under close watch, they decided that he didn't receive but a tiny bit of the venom so we were homefree again. That trip was pretty frightening though, especially when they had to call the poison control center to get instructions on how to treat a snakebite.

We made several trips after that for football injuries and other boy related injuries. I think back now and wonder how in the hell I got through it all without losing my mind!

I woke up. Actually, my eyes are open, not sure I'm experiencing the definition of awake yet. I'm dressed, even underwear! I ran a brush through my hair. I washed my face. Now I have to put shoes on before going out the door to drop Zach off at school and take myself in to work this morning. You'd think that just having to work one morning a week that I'd be all smiling and chipper.

THIS IS NOT SO.

I do hope everyone has a wonderful day today!

One day last year at the tax office I was preparing a return for a little old guy. I'd finished everything and was waiting for the printer to spit out the papers for our signatures.

The little man had been sitting there quietly waiting. All of a sudden he stood up and reached across my desk, towards me. My desk was in a back corner of the room with a wall behind me, but I had enough room that I scooted back some. He kept reaching towards me, swatting at me with his hand. I backed up a little more. Now people, ALL sorts of things were running through my mind during this time, the main thing being, what the HELL is he doing? Finally my chair was against the wall so I stood up and at that very moment he LUNGED across my desk and hit me across the chest. At the very second that he did this, I saw something fall and land on the floor at my feet. A HUGE, GIANT, SPIDER. The next thing I was aware of was being on the floor, against the wall, with the little man patting my face, asking me if I was alright. I fainted. I don't know if it was from fear of the spider, or fear of the man, or a combination of both but it was the only time in my life I've ever fainted.

When I got home later that night I told my hubby that the flight or fight instinct was bullshit, fuck,,, I faint.

I had a chance to chat with Kat today for a bit, that always puts me in a better mood. At 2:30 I left to pick Zach up from school and he and I went to do the grocery shopping. It took 20 minutes to do the normally 10 minute drive into town. First we stopped for a funeral procession. (I'm not sure if this is a southern thing or if everyone, everywhere does this). After the last car in the procession passed, we pulled out on the road and were making good time when suddenly brake lights flashed up ahead , traffic slowed to a crawl and when we finally made it to the obstruction we saw a big old turtle making his way across the 4 lane highway. I hope the people in the westbound lanes were as nice as we were to avoid Mr. Turtle!! He was a big old guy so you know he must have had some age on him.

Now, I've got the terrorist in the tub, hubby in his recliner, a load in the washer and one in the dryer, and one needing to be folded. I guess I'd better finish up so I can relax in a bit. I hope everyone's day was wonderful!

I was sitting in the stands last night interacting with the other parents and grandparents like you are expected to do at these things, and one mommy stated that she sure was glad that her daughter had finished gymnastics because trying to get her from school to classes and then practice was getting tiresome. This mommy also works and complains about how hyper her daughter is. I'm thinking, well I wonder why? She is up early for school, then she's in class for 8 hrs, then gym class, then ball practice or game. She has to be hyper or how would she get through all that?

I wonder sometimes if all these activities aren't for the parents more than for the kids?

First game pics are posted.

First game was tonight. Our Zach hit a triple the last play of the game and brought two runners in for the win!! This is a proud Nanny here. I'll be posting some of the photos in the photo link tomorrow. Ya'll have a nice evening. Nanny is gonna hit the hay!

MORE goodies from Timm!

Hilarious Random Thoughts
By "Real" Women!


Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like,
'You know, sometimes I forget to eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him).

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older
than 20 can fit into their stuff.

Here is a Great reason to Smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while...
and it shrinks two or three sizes!

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.

I LOVE THIS STUFF!!

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions
granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice
on the other side of the door hasn't whined, "Are you saving the
bananas for anything?"

Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that Little League
uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in
your mouth!"

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking
children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

Most children's first words are "Mama" or "Daddy." Mine were, "Do
I have to use my own money?"

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one
light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?"
and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes,
which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur, who gets
carsick and who isn't kidding when he stands outside the bathroom
door and tells you what's going to happen if he doesn't get in
right away. It's tough. If they all have the same hair color they
tend to run together.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a
mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're
going to get it anyway.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known
mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because
there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked.
This is sick.

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're
not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or
the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of cap less
shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because
they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator.
It's like being the vice president of the United States.
(personally, I think it's just shock!)

***contributed by Timm***

LOL, I love this ad.

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

I think I'm up shit creek without a paddle! I am not only living with one smart ass but with his little clone.

I picked Zach up from school this afternoon and while I was out, went to the Improvement Dist to write the checks to pay their few little bills. When we pulled up to Mr. White's house, I opened the door and said to Zach, "Come on little turkey, let's go say hello to Mr. White". The child looked at me with a frown and said, "Nanaw, I am not a turkey. Do you see any dang wings on my back?"

Or it could be,,,,,,,Kat, are you sure you haven't been giving him instructions by telephone when I was napping?

Oh and there are MORE!

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Due to a national crisis the French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled.
They have plenty of rackets... but no balls.

Ooops, sorry for the no-no words Kat!!

I've just GOT to share this one!!

If God didn't intend for us to have oral sex, why are penises shaped like hotdogs and vaginas like tacos?

I sent Zach in to do a clean up yesterday of what's supposed to be his bedroom and the kid's toy room. I was in there this morning to get his socks and noticed that he had at least made a toy-free trail through there so that I didn't do my usual hop-scotch to the chest. About an hour ago, I went in to do a more extensive clean up and I think I am in need of a bulldozer. Instead of going to the closet and toybox with the toys, he shoved everything (including dirty laundry, books, crayons, pencils, and art work) under the bed. For 45 minutes I was on the floor, butt in the air, dragging out one item after another. I'm taking a coffee break now because I think that job is going to take awhile.

I've always felt that a person who wasn't interested in learning something new would have to be living a life of total misery. But there are times when I tend to make myself miserable by becoming interested in things that are so completely unrelated that I can't possibly learn as much as I want to about any of them. It is sort of like being a kid in a candy store with a dollar to spend and so many choices!

The Kennedy's. To a little girl in Arkansas, the life of this family seemed to read like a fairy tale full of glitter and pony rides but with just enough tragedy and tears to make them so real. Once seen, I could never forget that image of a little girl and her toddler brother at the graveside of their daddy as the world watched and wept with them. As an adult I've watched every documentary and made-for-tv movie ever made about their lives and their deaths. I guess it's a little reassuring to know that even in Camelot things get screwed up sometimes.

The Space Program. If given a choice between a trip to Disney World and Cape Canaveral, the Cape and Cocoa Beach would be my choice, hands down! I feel great excitement with each step of progress they make and great loss with each tragic step back. If they ever take applications from chubby, middle-aged housewives for a free ride,(and I have NASA bookmarked mind you), mine will be there quick as a wink. I think that to be able to to look down at the earth from up there would be the ultimate!

Gadgets. I've graduated from the sort of person who used to check a calculator because I didn't trust that it could be right, to a grandma who thinks every household in the world should own a computer. I become breathless and twitchy when in a Best Buy or electronics store. I love the displays where they will allow the browser to punch buttons and try out the merchandise. The electronic toys aisles at Walmart are left beeping and singing in my wake. I LOVE technology!

LESSONS LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over
them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing
pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong
enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20x20 foot room.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,'
it's already too late.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even
though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the
movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing
baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2001 All rights reserved. sq
foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-
year-old.
Super glue is forever.
'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the
same sentence.
Tarzan can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Crayons do not remain solid when stored on a car's
dashboard on a hot summer day.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you
still can't walk on water.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush
your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Never leave a toddler, a furry animal (or his sister) and a a pair of
scissors alone in the same room.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, although TV
commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. (wet rubber boots?)
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Lexa has at least a 20 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Stay away from prunes.
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do
what your mom told you to do.
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she's on the phone.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball
bat.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him.
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Never ask for anything that costs more than ten dollars
when your parents are doing taxes.
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents.
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are
twitching.
You should never take a goldfish for a walk; even on a
leash.
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's
lap.

The Moss and Roses

Zach came in proudly from school on Friday with a tiny package wrapped in Zach designed paper which he presented to me, and a lovely card fully of sentiment, lovingly signed for his mom. He made the decison to give me the package because it contained a design-a-mug and his mom does not drink coffee. I sat with him on the sofa, holding the little crayon decorated package on my lap, and told him that this was a Mother's Day present and that he should give this to his mother. He kept insisting that he made that for me, a present for me. I called my daughter and told her of the prizes that he'd made. I gave him the phone with hopes that by talking to her, he'd decide to give the little present to her. That didn't happen but I think it's cool with his mom that he made her a card.

So why do I feel so guilty?

Just a quicky today. I slept late, had to go into town, to Walmart, my favorite place in the whole wide world. Then went to two or three places looking for some cleats for Zach. They are not to be found here so I guess Monday or Tuesday I'll go to Forrest City to try to find him some before he has his game on Tues. evening. I still have housework to get done today so that I won't have to do anything tomorrow. I intend to milk tomorrow for all it's worth!!

Rednecks Choke The Chicken!

Two Rednecks were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a
few stools up began to choke on a piece of chicken. She was turning blue
and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"

The other agreed and said "Think we should go help?"

"You bet," said the first, and with that, he ran over and said, "Can you
breathe?"

She shook her head no.

He said, "Can you speak?"

She again shook her head no.

With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so
shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great
relief.

The redneck walked back to his friend and said, "Funny how that 'hind
lick' maneuver always works."

***Compliments of Timm***

We had another Tball practice last night. There's only one more practice on Monday then the little sluggers will have their first game on Tuesday evening. Zach's team has 13, 5 and 6 year olds on it and of the 13, 5 are girls. I spent the entire practice last night watching the coaches try to corral two of these little girls to get them in the positions they were supposed to be in so that the game could continue. This is going to be a FUN season. These guys have NO idea and these two little girls are going to provide plenty of entertainment!! I'll be taking lots of photos!

Sunday is Mother's Day.

My mother married young, had my two sisters and I soon after, and pretty much had the sole responsibility of us. My grandparents helped out a lot but she had to work hard in factories so that we could eat, have clothes, and a roof over our heads. My dad wasn't around other than a quick visit from the time I was about 6 or so. I had to take care of my sisters and later on my little brother from an early age so sometimes I felt as though I was the mother when it came to the caretaking.

After I was in England for those 3 years with my father, I met and married my husband within a few months of my return to the states. I enjoyed a lot of good times with my mom then because we interacted more as two adult friends. We went on many fishing trips together and I always cooked the holiday meals for her and my grandparents. Mom only married once more after divorcing my dad, and it was only for a short time, she just didn't seem to be able to have trust in anyone after my father.

My mom worked really hard just so that we could have the basics needed in life then she became sick and never really had much to show for it, except her kids. I'll always appreciate what she did for us.

My oldest daughter, Trish, just lives a couple hours drive away. I try to get away to Little Rock as often as I can to see her, but it's never as often as I want to. It has been over 2 years now since she could come here, to my house, for a holiday or just to visit. I have to go to her grandmother's to see her when she comes home.

She fell in love with a young, useless, Negro man when she was a senior in college and later had her daughter, Jordan (who is now 5). It took awhile, but I finally cried and threatened enough that she was allowed to come home for visits. Then, she made the decision to have another daughter, Jaylen, with this still useless, man. At this point, my husband remains unforgiving and refuses to allow her to come home. I'm tired of fighting with him about it. I can't make him understand that even when I don't like or approve of the choices my children make, I can't just stop loving them. What hurts the most is what this does to the babies, that they are being hurt by the actions of stubborn, stupid adults.

I also do not think he realizes that his stubbornness has led to the loss of the love and respect I once had for him. I would love to have my children all at home again some day. It might just have to be a family day without him.

I got my Kat fix today so my laugh lines are deeper and bladder weaker. Now, post- fish-fry, I'm beat. (Ya'll will notice that I make up words to suit myself or the situation). We had 5 of the little ones here this evening as well as the little girl from next door so things were pretty wild here until about 30 minutes ago. Alexis, the youngest at 3 months was throwing her "I'm cranky, so I'm gonna scream and fight sleep" fit so Nanny volunteered to do the dirty deed of getting the young miss to sleep. We started rocking and singing Hush Little Baby which I soon learned didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of making her quiet. So we moved on to a little of this and that until FINALLY, little southern chickie that she is, she gave it up and snoozed away to her Nanny belting out a few rounds of Dixie.

Ohhhhh, I wish I were in the land of Cotton,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Now Nannys going to take her tired old butt to bed. NiteNite ya'll.

You learn something new every day. This morning I was outside with hubby looking around to see if there was any damage from last night's storms. Hubby told me to look around our yard and the neighbors yard, at the grass. I looked, it looked like grass to me. Green grass now that springs here, but still grass. He told me to look at all the dark green spots in the yards, where the grass was a darker green, and taller. I saw that, in many, many places and asked him what the deal was. Seems the neighbor's big St Bernard has been fertilizing random spots in their yard and ours. Looks like a herd of cows have been taking dumps from the lush, green grass growing in those places!!

Now, if we could just teach that dog to take it's dumps in a less random pattern,,,,,,,,

I just finished reading a very interesting article in the 100th Anniversary Issue of Redbook "What's Hot for Mom's" which describes the most "in" things for today's new mommies and mommy-to-be's.

Belly Artistry - "Today's new moms are celebrating their expanding waistlines rather than hide them under large, loose clothes as was done in the past. A few are even transforming those pot bellies into mementos. For a fee ranging from $300 to $1500, sculptor Maggie Stewart sells plaster-coating kits to make a mold of the bulging belly. Ship the cast back and she'll turn it into a stone or bronze bowl."

Chips-N-Dip anyone? (heh)

Salon Services in Labor Rooms - "Giving birth never felt so good."

I can see some cute, little, yuppie mother nature-type mommie-to-be believing this for a short time. But as soon as those good ole 4 to 5 cm marks are reached she'll be standing UP in those stirrups beating the shit outta hubby with the hair brush AND curling iron.

Extravagant Baby Blankets - "Doting parents can swaddle their sweet things in cashmere blankets."

DRY CLEAN ONLY! Let's see, how many dry-cleaners do I know who would clean the poop and puke outta that blankie more than once?

Zach is learning to read. I am very amazed by this cause this is the same child who had me crying a mere 7 months ago (or less) because I didn't know how to help him to recognize his numbers and letters. They've been making their own books in class and once they've mastered reading them, they bring them home to read to us. After about the 15th time that Zach read THE ANIMAL book to me, I began daydreaming about the Dick and Jane books we learned to read with and was mentally making up my own words.
See Dick.
See Jane.
See Spot.
Go Dick, go.
Go Jane, go.
Do whatever the hell you want, Spot.
Stupid freakin' mutt.
Always gettin' us into trouble!

Hubby called me this morning as I was on my way home from town. Some friends of ours lost their son today in a stupid accident. Seems he was cleaning out his truck and was removing one of his guns and it went off, killing him. His mother, Peggy, has struggled through 2 nervous breakdowns in the past. I feel that this will take her mind away from us completely now. I've lost so many of my family in the past few years and there were times when the pain was so deep I didn't think I would recover from it. I hope I never know the pain she's going through right now.

It's been 2 years and 8 months since I last worked full time in an office. Those days were pretty stressful for me since I wasn't good at office politics or at contributing to the gossip that seemed to float around a daily basis. It was with great relief that I was able to tell them one day to "kiss my ass, I'm outta here".

I did have one pretty good friend during that last office stint though. I think she and I used each other to make the days less monotonous and we were damned good at it. Besides she and I, there were 3 other full time ladies who worked there, the corporate pilot had his office there, and of course, our boss, the company CFO.

Wana and I had been given offices back near Phillip (the CFO). That section of the building housed the large conference room in the center, and our offices and the vault surrounding it. I feel certain that we were put in that section of the building because of the noise we sometimes made when something especially funny had happened and so the boss could keep an eye on us. We pretty much gave Phillip hell on a daily basis.

One day, the office manager, a mostly serious lady, came back and handed Wana a list of things that she needed for an audit. I was in Wana's office, feet on her desk, going over some cotton lot numbers that we'd been entering. When Judy handed Wana the list she told her that she'd get right on it, and laid the pages down on her desk,,, right on top of a candle that she was burning. We did not notice this little error until the blaze started. Wana jumped up, I went over backwards in my barely balanced chair. She grabbed the pages, threw them on the floor and stomped out the fire. And I finally crawled around, got untangled from the chair and blew out the candle. We figured at this time that the shit would really hit the fan. Judy had already made a couple of complaints to Phillip about our inability to conduct ourselves in a serious manner. However, we were able to hide the evidence, spray enough room freshener to choke a horse and keep our asses out of trouble for another day. We knew Phillip understood our boredom with routine due to the fact that he was almost always the recipient of our pranks, but when you work amongst more civilized people you have to try to keep them happy too, right? Even if they were tight asses.

I'm off to get a shower so I can take take Zach to meet PopPop for a day on the farm. Then Nanny is going to go into town and pick up the stuff she forgot to pick up yesterday. (perhaps if I tied a rope around my neck I'd remember some of this shit, strings around my finger don't work)

Pork rind is pig skin, cut into pieces and deep fried. Cracklings are what is left of the fat from a hog cut into pieces and cooked in a pot until the lard is all cooked out. That is how you get lard from a hog. Cracklings are really deep fried pork fat. Poor people used to eat pork skins as cheap snacks. At the price charged in the stores today they are over 12 dollars a pound. You could by the most expensive cuts of meat. Also the cracklings and pork rinds are just about as deadly as arsenic just not as quick (grin).

My grandma used an old cast iron Wash Pot to render her lard. The same pot that she boiled especially dirty clothes in at times during wash day. Of course it took a few boilings to get the pig renderings out for a clean pot to do the wash in! She also used to churn her own butter and we'd have the homemade buttermilk with cornbread for lunch sometimes. I loved the cracklings cooked in a pan of cornbread too. I reckon we had arterial blockage by age 3!

Geez, I've got to find a cure for these hormonal cravings I have sometimes. PAPA TUBS Old Fashioned Wash Pot Style Pork Skins cannot be a good thing this early in the morning.

When I was living in England our most valuable mode of transportation was a bicycle. We got to where we needed to go even after the buses had stopped running in our little village. We spent a lot of weekends just riding around the countryside checking out the territory and having a lot of laughs.

One evening it was way past dark when we finally decided to head for home. I was riding with 2 of my girlfriends and several guys from different villages had joined us along the way. We weren't too far from home when we came to a big hill and the road made several winding turns on the road down. I geared down to a much lower speed due to the fact that I did not care to move that fast on a bike, in the dark. But one of the guys decided that he'd get his thrills for the day and took off like greased lightening. Suddenly we heard a faint "oh shit", then these sort of metallic scraping sounds, next we saw sparks flying off the pavement. When we reached the poor guy, his momentum had finally made him leave the road, projected him over a low wall, into someone's little garden.

That poor guy wasn't able to ride with us for a long time after that. The ambulance driver said he'd seen people in wrecked cars with less damage.

My daughter, Zach's mother, visited yesterday with Zach's 3 little sisters. We retired to the deck where our neighbor joined us and we chatted while watching the children playing and Jami told us of their week. I think I should first introduce you to my middle child's children.

Zachary is the oldest and the only boy. I call him Zach. He likes tractors or anything farm related, playing in the water and mud, and his Nanaw and Poppop. He has little patience for his little sisters, tolerates his mother, and takes his stepdad with a grain of salt. He is 6.

Krysten (Sissy) is next in line. She is a little blond with big blue eyes. She talks nonstop in the deepest southern accent I've ever heard from a child. She likes baby dolls and tea parties but will join her big brother in the mud and water play. Sissy keeps you in the know, she tattles, about everything! She is 4 1/2.

Meri Kathryn is number 3. I call her MeriKate. She looks just like her daddy except that she has dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. She is tiny and petite. She is living proof that looks can be deceiving. She has the respect of her older siblings and has instilled fear in the youngest. There is nothing she won't try. The family pets run and hide when she appears. She is 3.

Abigail is the baby. I call her Abie. She has blonde curly hair and blue eyes. She is the sweet child and has learned to go with the flow. If the others take away a toy, she's perfectly happy finding another and will go on doing her thing. Her temper rarely flares up without massive provocation. She instinctively knows when to run and hide in mommy's lap to avoid MeriKate. She is 2.

While listening to Jami, I came to know that the girls were all pretty good last week except for MeriKate. In just one day she tried to give the cat a bath in the toilet and dry him in the dryer. Jami is thankful that she doesn't know how to turn on the dryer yet. The only other thing that happened to make her nervous was waking up to find all 3 of the girls (they had gotten Abie out of her crib too) at 2 am, in the living room watching their Scooby Doo movie when they were supposed to have been in bed asleep since 9 pm.

During this conversation I thought of all the times that I told my children that I hoped they'd have 5 kids each,,JUST like themselves. I'm wondering now if I cursed them?

If one must wake up with a pounding headache and a tender twat, one would at least have thought it almost worth it from the drunken roll in the hay the night before,.....right? I'm afraid I don't have any such details to share, instead I have the dumbass of the day experience to relay here today.

Yesterday, I grabbed the bottle of scrub-free bathroom cleaner (lemon scented) and sprayed shower stall, sinks and tub in the master bath. By the time I got to the tub, I couldn't remember if I'd doused it before so I sprayed it again. Then the phone rang and I ran to answer it and since I tend to get side-tracked throughout my day, I forgot to return to the tub scrubbing chore. This might not have happened had there been anything in the tub to scrub, but,,,,,

Last night I went in to run a nice hot bath with peachy scented bubbles. I needed and I deserved a long, relaxing soak. After I had climbed in, and laid back in the wonderful silky bubbles, I noticed the Scrub-free bottle sitting on the side of the tub. ( At about the same time the stinging sensation began.) Even after jumping from the tub, letting the water out, scrubbing it, refilling, and soaking my stinging netherparts again, I fear I may be tender for a day or two.

Warning: Scrub-free does not make a suitable bath soak, not even the lemon scented brand.