Tuesday, March 04, 2003

On March 23rd it will be 21 years since the death of my Mother's youngest sister. That was my first confrontation with death of someone close to me. On March 12th, it will be 4 years since the death of my mother. By then I was an old pro at death, but still not used to it, I'll never be used to it. Two and a half months prior to losing my mother, my youngest sister and I stood watch over the middle sister as she watched her firstborn breath his last. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, being there with her and not being able to do one damn thing about her pain. When my mother took another turn for the worst and I was the only daughter close enough in distance to be with her, I thought, yeah, I can do this. I really thought she'd be better again, you know? But as I held her and she stopped breathing, I had forgotten how long a heart kept beating. I looked at the nurse, I wanted to scream "DO SOMETHING", but I just held her and held her. When the nurse told me that it was time to take her I wouldn't let them. I made them leave her there with me until my youngest sister arrived and then I left so I wouldn't have to see them take her away. That was also the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know now that there will be many things that will be the hardest things I've ever had to do. March is not a good month.

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