Whats UP down South

My friend Bear sent this to me today, eerie........

A very weird thing has happened.. A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got
in.

I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't
there, and the next day she was!

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most
part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And,
whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is
hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and
body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just
screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every
once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some
loose change in the sofa, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to
jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to
the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I
certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old
lady is pilfering from me.

You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And
money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate ---especially the good stuff like ice
cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd
better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect
she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering
with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,
like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so
they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find
anything.This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and
organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't
read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume
controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and
whispers.

She has done other things--like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum
cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even
made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real
challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put
them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me
to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something
on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.
She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps
me from seeing how great they look on me. Just when I thought she
couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went
to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera
shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time
appear in yours. Be alert! I hope she never finds out where YOU live!