Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Men are Aliens

When I woke up this morning and went into the kitchen for a cup of coffee I was greeted with the usual sights found in my kitchen and living room every morning.

Two coffee cups sitting on a table in the living room.

A trail of coffee drips from where the pot sits on the counter, across the floor leading to the living room.

Mayonnaise sitting on the crumb littered counter beside an open loaf of bread.

Two open cupboards just waiting for me to bang into them in my early morning confused state.

This stuff has been going on for 33 years now and you'd think after that many years of mentioning (what hubby calls bitching) that these things are not acceptable morning visions, he'd finally get the message. In my wifely wisdom I know it ain't gonna happen. Men are different. Men are so different that I really think that they evolved from some strange spore deposited here a millennium ago by aliens from another planet.

How different?

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about doctor appointments and ball games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Women understand color. They seem to know what to wear all the time. Men just think red is nice, pink is nice, so why not have them together?

Men appreciate the importance of a 42 inch plasma screen. Women do not.

Women are more interested in the small details. If you told a woman that you had just returned from a trip to the surface of the Moon, she would show her interest by asking who you had gone with.

Men know that common house spiders are far less dangerous than scorpions. Women don't care, it's creepy, KILL IT!!

Women could never invent weapons that kill, only ones that make you feel really bad and guilty until you surrender

Women pee together. Men do not acknowledge, let alone speak, to each other when peeing.

Men can watch six different channels at the same time and know the name of none of the programs they claim to be following. This pisses women off.

Men have a gene that enables them to maintain a vice like grip on the remote control while reclining on the sofa studying the insides of their eyelids.

Men can write their names clearly in the snow and often do.

Women parallel process, men parallel park.

Women recall every outfit they have worn for the past two decades. Men cannot remember what they were wearing yesterday without looking on the floor next to the bed.

Men will hear you open a beer from three rooms away but can't hear the child crying right beside him.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
No use in two people remembering the same thing.

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

If women knew what men were thinking they'd never stop slapping them.

The only way to understand a woman is to love her and then it isn't necessary to understand her.

There is no way to understand a man. You just learn to live with bread crumbs and coffee trails.

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