1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. Americans are getting stronger. Thirty years ago, it took two adults to carry two dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year old can do it alone.
14. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
15. the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
16. Laughing stock ---- cattle with a sense of humor.
17. You can't have everything ! Where would you put it ?
18. Flashlight : A case for holding dead batteries.
19. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
20. When you're swimming and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray.
21. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
22. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
,,,,,,,,,,,contribution from Bear