I'm outta here!! xxx
Monday, July 28, 2003
In 10 minutes, I'll wake the kids, load up, and get on the road. The next words you read will hopefully be from a more rested, definately tanner, broad who has loads of photos from the little trip. Ya'll have a great week and be sure to write lots for me to read when I return! I'll be back sometime Thursday afternoon.
I'm outta here!! xxx
I'm outta here!! xxx
Saturday, July 26, 2003
It's been another longish day. I vaccumed and cleaned out my truck and will take it through the car wash tomorrow, took Zach to play in the wading pool at my son's house for a bit, then came home to help with that lawn trimming that I had put off for two days. We've been watching movies this evening and I'm still thinking about doing a little packing for the trip (that will probably get done tomorrow night,,maybe).
I had an email telling me that the poll has been made public so perhaps when I return from my trip I can sort out the results. This could be a fun thing!!
I hope everyone is having a delightful weekend!!
I had an email telling me that the poll has been made public so perhaps when I return from my trip I can sort out the results. This could be a fun thing!!
I hope everyone is having a delightful weekend!!
A contribution from Bear. I think he knows how muddled I get about these things. I am patriotic but damn, I want us to do what is right also...so a child's view of it.
I present this without comment or endorsement, merely for your perusal. I don't know who the author is.... Bear.
LESSON IN POLITICS (long but very interesting!)
Foreign Policy Q & A
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons.We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a Legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Like the ruler of Pakistan who came to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an Illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy, but I remember Mr. Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, heard voices in his head.
I present this without comment or endorsement, merely for your perusal. I don't know who the author is.... Bear.
LESSON IN POLITICS (long but very interesting!)
Foreign Policy Q & A
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons.We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a Legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Like the ruler of Pakistan who came to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an Illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy, but I remember Mr. Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, heard voices in his head.
Just a little less than 2 days and we'll start our run to the beach. I've still got to pack floaties, clothes and all that, but at least now I'm thinking about getting it done.
Yesterday was pretty uneventful although I did finally make it to work to do that payroll. Today we will vaccum the truck and go into town to do a little shopping. I'm also going to practice being as lazy as I can.
Yesterday was pretty uneventful although I did finally make it to work to do that payroll. Today we will vaccum the truck and go into town to do a little shopping. I'm also going to practice being as lazy as I can.
Weird News
Some things don't make the front page of our newspapers but I think they should. There would certainly be fewer wars and a lot more laughter spread around!
People With Issues:
In Easton, Pa., in June, Richard James Clader, 38, was sentenced to at least seven months in prison for a series of episodes on state roads 22 and 33 in which eventually 27 people contacted authorities to report that a motorist (identified as Clader) had driven nude, with the horn blasting, while vigorously masturbating. Clader told the judge that he believes his behavior stemmed from feeling neglected as a child and later by his wife, but said he is making substantial progress. [Easton Express-Times, 6-4-03]
Least Competent People:
In Racine, Wis., in January, city and state officials knocked on Angie Anderson's door to inform her that they were about to capture a sickly owl in a tree in her yard, but she explained that the reason it appeared immobile was that it was a fake owl, purchased two years earlier from Wal-Mart for $14.99. And a consciousness-raising stunt by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals hit a snag in March at the Palm Springs Middle School in Hialeah, Fla., when PETA was informed that its sign in Spanish on its life-size cow prop, reading "Echar la Leche" (translation of their slogan, "Dump Dairy") was also slang for "ejaculate." [Newsday-AP, 1-20-03] [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 3-31-03]
God's Been Busy:
Christian Broadcasting Network reported in June that it was no coincidence that the Bush administration's April and May announcements to support a separate Palestinian state were followed by "the worst months of tornadoes in American history" (375 twisters in eight days) and other meteorological disasters; God is punishing the United States, CBN said, for supporting the biblically unthinkable division of Israel.
And Ouch:
On June 28, as Orange County (Calif.) sheriff's deputy Owen Hall was standing beside a car he had stopped, he was shot in the leg with an arrow. After Hall pulled the arrow out and reported to a hospital, deputies combed the neighborhood and finally located archer Tri Thanh Lam, who had apparently been practicing in his back yard when an arrow got away from him. Lam was arrested, but he went free two days later when authorities realized that he had committed no crime, since the state's negligent-shooting law applies only to guns. [Los Angeles Times, 7-2-03]
Some things don't make the front page of our newspapers but I think they should. There would certainly be fewer wars and a lot more laughter spread around!
People With Issues:
In Easton, Pa., in June, Richard James Clader, 38, was sentenced to at least seven months in prison for a series of episodes on state roads 22 and 33 in which eventually 27 people contacted authorities to report that a motorist (identified as Clader) had driven nude, with the horn blasting, while vigorously masturbating. Clader told the judge that he believes his behavior stemmed from feeling neglected as a child and later by his wife, but said he is making substantial progress. [Easton Express-Times, 6-4-03]
Least Competent People:
In Racine, Wis., in January, city and state officials knocked on Angie Anderson's door to inform her that they were about to capture a sickly owl in a tree in her yard, but she explained that the reason it appeared immobile was that it was a fake owl, purchased two years earlier from Wal-Mart for $14.99. And a consciousness-raising stunt by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals hit a snag in March at the Palm Springs Middle School in Hialeah, Fla., when PETA was informed that its sign in Spanish on its life-size cow prop, reading "Echar la Leche" (translation of their slogan, "Dump Dairy") was also slang for "ejaculate." [Newsday-AP, 1-20-03] [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 3-31-03]
God's Been Busy:
Christian Broadcasting Network reported in June that it was no coincidence that the Bush administration's April and May announcements to support a separate Palestinian state were followed by "the worst months of tornadoes in American history" (375 twisters in eight days) and other meteorological disasters; God is punishing the United States, CBN said, for supporting the biblically unthinkable division of Israel.
And Ouch:
On June 28, as Orange County (Calif.) sheriff's deputy Owen Hall was standing beside a car he had stopped, he was shot in the leg with an arrow. After Hall pulled the arrow out and reported to a hospital, deputies combed the neighborhood and finally located archer Tri Thanh Lam, who had apparently been practicing in his back yard when an arrow got away from him. Lam was arrested, but he went free two days later when authorities realized that he had committed no crime, since the state's negligent-shooting law applies only to guns. [Los Angeles Times, 7-2-03]
Thursday, July 24, 2003
I survived. I'm not totally insane and almost intact. After thinking about a previous entry that I posted today, I feel I need to make a correction. There are only 4 days until I can leave for my trip to the beach. I suppose my brain was overloaded this morning when I counted 5.
I also wanted to mention that I probably won't be doing the lawn trim up today due to the fact that the only extension cord I have is currently in use by the battery charger that is connected to my freakin truck.
Is anyone having a good day today?
I also wanted to mention that I probably won't be doing the lawn trim up today due to the fact that the only extension cord I have is currently in use by the battery charger that is connected to my freakin truck.
Is anyone having a good day today?
So much for thinking today would be any easier. After all that hopping around to get us up, dressed, and on the road this morning, here I sit.
When I drove through the storm on Tuesday I had my truck headlights on, and dingbat that I am sometimes, I failed to turn them off. That battery is as dead as a doornail.
Sooooo,,,since I failed to drop Zach off with his mom this morning and make my escape, she found that she just had to accompany her husband to the doctor. Now I am here with a dead truck AND 4 kids.
Does everyone see the flashing "Sucker" sign on my forehead? (It's right below the one that says "Fuck ME" ).
When and if Jami picks up 3 of these children and I get over the trauma of the experience, I must get my lazy ass outdoors and spray insecticide and do some trimming. I am so trying to look ahead to the feelings of accomplishment that I'll have when I'm done.
When I drove through the storm on Tuesday I had my truck headlights on, and dingbat that I am sometimes, I failed to turn them off. That battery is as dead as a doornail.
Sooooo,,,since I failed to drop Zach off with his mom this morning and make my escape, she found that she just had to accompany her husband to the doctor. Now I am here with a dead truck AND 4 kids.
Does everyone see the flashing "Sucker" sign on my forehead? (It's right below the one that says "Fuck ME" ).
When and if Jami picks up 3 of these children and I get over the trauma of the experience, I must get my lazy ass outdoors and spray insecticide and do some trimming. I am so trying to look ahead to the feelings of accomplishment that I'll have when I'm done.
It has been pretty hectic here the past couple of days. I had a couple of things to do in Forrest City on Tuesday but ended up only making a quick trip up there to pick up some reports for the tax business because they had some horrible storms coming through that area. The same storms really wrecked havoc in Memphis.
Yesterday, I canned the pickled okra with unrequested aid from Zach and his 3 little sisters. I hope after all that work they will taste like pickles some day.
The kitchen floor was swabbed 4 times yesterday and I still found sticky this morning from another drink spilled so I reckon I will be mopping again today. Finally, I fell in bed at around 1:00 am this morning and awoke under protest early because I have to work (ever seen so much bitching about having to work one day?).
I hope to find more folks have visited my survey when I arrive back to my safe and almost sane home this afternoon. I can't wait to analyze the results!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,5 more days,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Yesterday, I canned the pickled okra with unrequested aid from Zach and his 3 little sisters. I hope after all that work they will taste like pickles some day.
The kitchen floor was swabbed 4 times yesterday and I still found sticky this morning from another drink spilled so I reckon I will be mopping again today. Finally, I fell in bed at around 1:00 am this morning and awoke under protest early because I have to work (ever seen so much bitching about having to work one day?).
I hope to find more folks have visited my survey when I arrive back to my safe and almost sane home this afternoon. I can't wait to analyze the results!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,5 more days,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Ok Ladies! Click here or on the link below my favorites and take my poll please. I'm trying to get some real results here on the sex question for women.
I like sex. I've just been in Kat's blog where Kazzam commented about men thinking about sex every 6 minutes. I decided to give a thought to how often women might think of sex and then began to think about how often I think about sex. I'm going to do some research on this and I'll be back.
Things Teachers Hate About The First Day of School,,,,,
Getting adjusted to new and itchy bulletproof vests.
Discovering the SWAT team used up all the chalk on last year's sidewalk body outlines.
Realizing students have become experts in the three R's: Reading, 'Riting and the Rasslin'.
After spending the entire summer getting buff, the girls gym teacher still beats me at arm wrestling.
Kids turning in essays on "Who I Shot Over Summer Vacation".
Trying to talk over all that cross-fire.
Students asking if they can take a 5 minute ammunition break.
Having to erase 500 lines of "THE NEW TEACHER SUCKS" off the blackboard.
Having to give math problems only using grams and kilos.
At the beginning of class the students are in a chemistry lab, by the end of class, it's a crystal-meth lab.
They only time they wake-up in botany class is when you mention the words "mushrooms" and "grass".
Getting adjusted to new and itchy bulletproof vests.
Discovering the SWAT team used up all the chalk on last year's sidewalk body outlines.
Realizing students have become experts in the three R's: Reading, 'Riting and the Rasslin'.
After spending the entire summer getting buff, the girls gym teacher still beats me at arm wrestling.
Kids turning in essays on "Who I Shot Over Summer Vacation".
Trying to talk over all that cross-fire.
Students asking if they can take a 5 minute ammunition break.
Having to erase 500 lines of "THE NEW TEACHER SUCKS" off the blackboard.
Having to give math problems only using grams and kilos.
At the beginning of class the students are in a chemistry lab, by the end of class, it's a crystal-meth lab.
They only time they wake-up in botany class is when you mention the words "mushrooms" and "grass".
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Children's Science Exam Answers:
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. (Amen!).
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nea district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
I love things like this! Kids seem to have all the answers.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. (Amen!).
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nea district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
I love things like this! Kids seem to have all the answers.
I LOVE Bumper Stickers!! My dear ole cous sent these.
16. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
15. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
14. The proctologist called...they found your head.
13. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
12. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
11. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
10. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
9. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
7. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people “Everybody, But Me."
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to
be out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER:
1. Welcome to America ... Now speak English!
All of these are so good I just can't pick out a favorite!
16. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
15. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
14. The proctologist called...they found your head.
13. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
12. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
11. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
10. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
9. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
7. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people “Everybody, But Me."
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to
be out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER:
1. Welcome to America ... Now speak English!
All of these are so good I just can't pick out a favorite!
Monday, July 21, 2003
Today was a pretty fine day. The tree survived my truck, no dents, and no pain. I managed to get into town and buy the jars I needed to be ready to can some pickled okra later this week (does anyone have a good receipe?).
Now I'm going to take my old, tired butt to bed and get ready for another day. I'll try to write something inspiring tomorrow. Good night all!
,,,,,,,,,,just 6 more days!!,,,,,,,,,
Now I'm going to take my old, tired butt to bed and get ready for another day. I'll try to write something inspiring tomorrow. Good night all!
,,,,,,,,,,just 6 more days!!,,,,,,,,,
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Thoughts
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. Americans are getting stronger. Thirty years ago, it took two adults to carry two dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year old can do it alone.
14. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
15. the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
16. Laughing stock ---- cattle with a sense of humor.
17. You can't have everything ! Where would you put it ?
18. Flashlight : A case for holding dead batteries.
19. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
20. When you're swimming and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray.
21. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
22. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
,,,,,,,,,,,contribution from Bear
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. Americans are getting stronger. Thirty years ago, it took two adults to carry two dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year old can do it alone.
14. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
15. the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
16. Laughing stock ---- cattle with a sense of humor.
17. You can't have everything ! Where would you put it ?
18. Flashlight : A case for holding dead batteries.
19. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
20. When you're swimming and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray.
21. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
22. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
,,,,,,,,,,,contribution from Bear
Over the past few days I've thought a lot about my brother-in-law, Denny. He and my sister, Terri, were married for about 10 years before she decided that she just couldn't live with him another day even though she loved him as much as ever. You see, Denny was a "rounder". He loved the woods and a creek bank, one night stands with wild women, and a little toke on a joint on a regular basis. She couldn't live with these things so they divorced.
Everyone who ever met him loved him. He was just about the friendliest guy you'd ever want to meet. He grew up in an upper middle-class family, his father worked for Production Credit as a loan officer and his mom was the secretary of the Baptist Church. Denny marched to a drummer quite different from theirs but he was still very much loved by them and his sister.
The first time I met Denny, we got into an argument. I don't remember what it was about, but I do remember telling him that he'd better take that silver spoon out of his mouth before I did it for him and shoved it up his ass! He often reminded me of this statement at different times during his term as my brother-in-law. He thought it was very funny and he said it made him decide from that day to stay on my good side.
After he and my sister divorced, he married again within a few months. It was not a happy marriage but he told me he missed my sister and just needed someone. The marriage only lasted a few months and during the time before the divorce became final I received a call one day from my stepmom to tell me that there had been a shooting and Denny was dead.
From the first the sheriff's department treated his shooting as a suicide. The funeral had to be delayed in order to do an autopsy and the rumors ran wild during those 10 days. His family knew without a doubt that Denny had not shot himself and after they read the police reports they couldn't believe that they'd decided to stick with the suicide ruling. The facts just did not add up.
Denny had spent the afternoon with is son (my nephew), and after dropping him off had returned home to get Jacob's clothes that he'd forgotten in the dryer.
His soon to be ex-wife was at his house when he returned home (this is her story).
She said they were supposed to talk so she was going with him to take Jacob's clothes to his mom's. After they were in the van, he told her he'd forgotten his wallet and went back into the house. Ten minutes later she heard a shot and went into the house and found him on the bed with a bullet wound in his head. She called 911 and then called a friend who made it there before the police and ambulance.
The police report states that two shots were fired, one went into the ceiling, the other into Denny's right temple. The phone records show that 3 calls were made during that time period BEFORE the 911 call was made.
The Sheriff's department still ruled this as a suicide. Denny's family has tried to get the State Police and every other law enforcement department they could think of involved but it's now over 12 years later and nothing has been done. His son and daughter have had to live with the questions but also the suggestion that their father would choose to leave them in such a terrible way.
I see his parents occasionally and his mother still asks me and every one who knew him if we think that he'd ever do something like that to himself. I know he did not, but how do you set the records straight?
I think I've been rambling again, but I feel better now for writing this.
******************************************************************
Everyone who ever met him loved him. He was just about the friendliest guy you'd ever want to meet. He grew up in an upper middle-class family, his father worked for Production Credit as a loan officer and his mom was the secretary of the Baptist Church. Denny marched to a drummer quite different from theirs but he was still very much loved by them and his sister.
The first time I met Denny, we got into an argument. I don't remember what it was about, but I do remember telling him that he'd better take that silver spoon out of his mouth before I did it for him and shoved it up his ass! He often reminded me of this statement at different times during his term as my brother-in-law. He thought it was very funny and he said it made him decide from that day to stay on my good side.
After he and my sister divorced, he married again within a few months. It was not a happy marriage but he told me he missed my sister and just needed someone. The marriage only lasted a few months and during the time before the divorce became final I received a call one day from my stepmom to tell me that there had been a shooting and Denny was dead.
From the first the sheriff's department treated his shooting as a suicide. The funeral had to be delayed in order to do an autopsy and the rumors ran wild during those 10 days. His family knew without a doubt that Denny had not shot himself and after they read the police reports they couldn't believe that they'd decided to stick with the suicide ruling. The facts just did not add up.
Denny had spent the afternoon with is son (my nephew), and after dropping him off had returned home to get Jacob's clothes that he'd forgotten in the dryer.
His soon to be ex-wife was at his house when he returned home (this is her story).
She said they were supposed to talk so she was going with him to take Jacob's clothes to his mom's. After they were in the van, he told her he'd forgotten his wallet and went back into the house. Ten minutes later she heard a shot and went into the house and found him on the bed with a bullet wound in his head. She called 911 and then called a friend who made it there before the police and ambulance.
The police report states that two shots were fired, one went into the ceiling, the other into Denny's right temple. The phone records show that 3 calls were made during that time period BEFORE the 911 call was made.
The Sheriff's department still ruled this as a suicide. Denny's family has tried to get the State Police and every other law enforcement department they could think of involved but it's now over 12 years later and nothing has been done. His son and daughter have had to live with the questions but also the suggestion that their father would choose to leave them in such a terrible way.
I see his parents occasionally and his mother still asks me and every one who knew him if we think that he'd ever do something like that to himself. I know he did not, but how do you set the records straight?
I think I've been rambling again, but I feel better now for writing this.
******************************************************************
Yesterday was a long day. We had Alexis (our little southern chickie) until about 10 or so Friday evening and even took her and the Zach attack to dinner at the Mexican place with us for our anniversary celebration. How romantic is that? (about as romantic as I feel after 32 yrs actually). Jerri (the chickie's mommy) had a softball tournament this weekend so we had the Chickie again all day yesterday. Nanny now feels like she has been hefting weights, moving mountains, and can barely move this morning!
At just a tad over 5 months, Alexis weighs in at 19lbs 2ozs now. I figure that's about the same weight as the bags of dog food that I buy for hubbies hunting dog. I've come to the conclusion that the dog food is easier to handle because it does not wiggle when you are picking it up or holding it, and it does not do acrobatics when you have it balanced on a hip as you try to do other things thereby putting a strain on all of your muscles to keep it from falling on it's head. I also think the bag of dog food would not try to get away in the middle of a diaper change.
The wiggling dog food aside though, we did have a few firsts to add to the Alexis book of wonders. Nanny gave her a first try of pancakes with Hungry Jack syrup that turned into her full breakfast with a sip of milk after. That little chickie is now a big fan of flapjacks! She also liked her first taste of an orange push-up though we had to do the bath thing afterwards.
Today we are going to cook hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill for the kids and their kids so it should be another interesting day. Nanny is hoping for a couple of days of rest after this though so wish me luck!
,,,,,,,,,8 more days,,,,,,,
At just a tad over 5 months, Alexis weighs in at 19lbs 2ozs now. I figure that's about the same weight as the bags of dog food that I buy for hubbies hunting dog. I've come to the conclusion that the dog food is easier to handle because it does not wiggle when you are picking it up or holding it, and it does not do acrobatics when you have it balanced on a hip as you try to do other things thereby putting a strain on all of your muscles to keep it from falling on it's head. I also think the bag of dog food would not try to get away in the middle of a diaper change.
The wiggling dog food aside though, we did have a few firsts to add to the Alexis book of wonders. Nanny gave her a first try of pancakes with Hungry Jack syrup that turned into her full breakfast with a sip of milk after. That little chickie is now a big fan of flapjacks! She also liked her first taste of an orange push-up though we had to do the bath thing afterwards.
Today we are going to cook hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill for the kids and their kids so it should be another interesting day. Nanny is hoping for a couple of days of rest after this though so wish me luck!
,,,,,,,,,8 more days,,,,,,,
Friday, July 18, 2003
You won't find answers here. Or if you do happen to find an answer, it was purely accidental. I started this blog because after reading Kat's blog for the first time and then browsing through others at Blogger, it looked like fun. It was a place where I could share things that make me laugh cause there surely needs to be more laughter spread around. Then it also became a place where I could vent my frustrations, or cry when I was down, or just simply share the day to day things that are life.
I never expected to feel connected to others in the way that I do through my blog and theirs. I didn't expect to find the friendships that have grown. I've always worshiped the written word, but I didn't realize how deeply I'd be moved by what I learn daily from my friends and their writings. Through their words I also feel their frustrations, their wants and needs and ideas and wishes and I can share in their smiles.
Forrest Gump was right, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get, and surprises are a good thing. Today I'm feeling blessed.
I never expected to feel connected to others in the way that I do through my blog and theirs. I didn't expect to find the friendships that have grown. I've always worshiped the written word, but I didn't realize how deeply I'd be moved by what I learn daily from my friends and their writings. Through their words I also feel their frustrations, their wants and needs and ideas and wishes and I can share in their smiles.
Forrest Gump was right, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get, and surprises are a good thing. Today I'm feeling blessed.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
I can't get into my server email right now. They've been down three times this week so finally last night I decided I'd try Earthlink as a back up for a few months. So far I'm not sure I like it much but we'll see.
I worked this morning for awhile and picked Zach up before noon. Since then he's done everything but tie me up and leave me in a closet. While I was trying to fold and put laundry away, he kept jumping out from this hiding spot or that with a big balloon that he'd bop at me. I finally threatened his life and he put that toy away.
Next I became absorbed in my book (big mistake), he opened a bottle of STP gas treatment that his ding-dong PopPop had left sitting on the porch and tipped a little of it in an air conditioner vent. I went in search for him when the smell hit the living room.
As I type this, he's sitting behind me in my chair, with his arms around my neck. Hard to believe this is the same spawn of satan that gave me hell all afternoon, but I know well the little horns hidden beneath his halo!
I worked this morning for awhile and picked Zach up before noon. Since then he's done everything but tie me up and leave me in a closet. While I was trying to fold and put laundry away, he kept jumping out from this hiding spot or that with a big balloon that he'd bop at me. I finally threatened his life and he put that toy away.
Next I became absorbed in my book (big mistake), he opened a bottle of STP gas treatment that his ding-dong PopPop had left sitting on the porch and tipped a little of it in an air conditioner vent. I went in search for him when the smell hit the living room.
As I type this, he's sitting behind me in my chair, with his arms around my neck. Hard to believe this is the same spawn of satan that gave me hell all afternoon, but I know well the little horns hidden beneath his halo!
1. Toilet Paper -- Over or Under?
I cuss and fuss and get it in the holder whichever way it will go in!
2. Opening Gifts -- Shred or Nicely?
Nicely
3. Making Grocery List -- Sequence or Random?
I used to do the sequence in order of the store layout. Then I gave up cause I had kids, couldn't keep up with a list, and now I forget half of what I go after. I'm a lost cause.
4. Clean Mugs in the Cupboard -- Handles in same direction or who cares?
Which direction?
5. Folding Towels -- Short side together first or long side?
Short side, then both ends folded in.
6. Clean Socks -- Folded in a ball or flat?
Folded in a ball for hubby, I rarely wear socks
7. Person who put this list together -- Normal or too much time on her hands?
She's normal. Everyone is normal these days aren't they?
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Master Timm's been at it again and I'm sitting here still chuckling over these funnies:
**************************************************************
Samuel C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a
more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block
21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit).
On the original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was
somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances
leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had
just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the
bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I
had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the
toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee,
unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid
back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body,
which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main
body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It
quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached
to an unmovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite
direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking
mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and
subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational
manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and
decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution,
she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the- Spot" news team.
The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously
a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the
device was attached with bolts to the
cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. His
discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next
to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his
examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my
claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came
up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch
that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and
commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state
to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the
device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the
air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device
to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things
in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a
hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as
the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry
bar to be placed inside of the device.
The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3),
I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used
the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
Samuel C. Anderson
I think I'm going to reconsider some of my public bathroom trips. The worst I've ever done is drop my wallet in!
******************************************************
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF . . .
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY YOU ASK? Well . . .
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND ...
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
***********************************************
Focus
Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years
old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get
over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of
the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well...
Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the
sofa.
The nearly-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the nearly-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH
********************************************************
And last but not least..........
The Top 16 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies
16. "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first and
second cousin, your nephew..."
15. "We'll always have Wal-Mart."
14. "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers in warm
chicken fried steak with gravy."
13. "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
12. "Houston, we have a 'possum."
11. "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"
10. "I feel the need... the need for sheep."
9. "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
8. "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her
'68 Rambler into mine."
7. "I... see... Black people."
6. "Use the horse, Luke!"
5. "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack
Daniel's."
4. "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."
3. "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or only five?
Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count no higher'n three
since the chainsaw accident!"
2. "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker -- you
never know what you're gonna' get.'"
And The Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie...
1. "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
Still laughing.
**************************************************************
Samuel C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a
more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block
21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit).
On the original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was
somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances
leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had
just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the
bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I
had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the
toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee,
unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid
back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body,
which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main
body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It
quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached
to an unmovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite
direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking
mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and
subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational
manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and
decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution,
she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the- Spot" news team.
The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously
a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the
device was attached with bolts to the
cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. His
discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next
to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his
examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my
claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came
up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch
that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and
commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state
to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the
device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the
air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device
to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things
in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a
hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as
the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry
bar to be placed inside of the device.
The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3),
I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used
the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
Samuel C. Anderson
I think I'm going to reconsider some of my public bathroom trips. The worst I've ever done is drop my wallet in!
******************************************************
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF . . .
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY YOU ASK? Well . . .
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND ...
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
***********************************************
Focus
Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years
old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get
over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of
the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well...
Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the
sofa.
The nearly-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the nearly-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH
********************************************************
And last but not least..........
The Top 16 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies
16. "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first and
second cousin, your nephew..."
15. "We'll always have Wal-Mart."
14. "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers in warm
chicken fried steak with gravy."
13. "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
12. "Houston, we have a 'possum."
11. "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"
10. "I feel the need... the need for sheep."
9. "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
8. "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her
'68 Rambler into mine."
7. "I... see... Black people."
6. "Use the horse, Luke!"
5. "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack
Daniel's."
4. "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."
3. "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or only five?
Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count no higher'n three
since the chainsaw accident!"
2. "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker -- you
never know what you're gonna' get.'"
And The Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie...
1. "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
Still laughing.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
I had a good dinner last night. The shrimp was good and the banana pudding that I had for dessert was yummy!! We played the slots for a few minutes on the way out and James won about $40, I lost my $5 and was proud that it wasn't more! I should have followed his lead and played the nickel slots, but I went to the quarters since I'd rather just lose mine and not fiddle-fart around about it. I am normally not lucky when gambling. I did find a cute little hummingbird figurine at the gift shop on my way out so I didn't leave with nuttin!
It's hot outdoors already today. I went out earlier and picked about a peck of tomatoes that were ripe. I think for lunch I'll make a sandwich of turkey on wheat and slice some of them and pig out. I could also make a meal out of cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and Triscuit wheat crackers. Dang,,I'm getting hungry again here.
It's hot outdoors already today. I went out earlier and picked about a peck of tomatoes that were ripe. I think for lunch I'll make a sandwich of turkey on wheat and slice some of them and pig out. I could also make a meal out of cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and Triscuit wheat crackers. Dang,,I'm getting hungry again here.
Monday, July 14, 2003
I've gotten this little item a couple of times now in my email so I figure it's just begging to be shared.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle Money spent:
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
***********************************************
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new
garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)
in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4615.00
But at least you know the job was done right!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle Money spent:
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
***********************************************
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new
garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)
in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4615.00
But at least you know the job was done right!
If you have to break the law,,,,,,,
There are some laws on Arkansas books that seem so useless that you have to wonder about the people that wrote them. Some of us probably break the law every day! Please note that some of these are old laws that are no longer valid and many have not been confirmed as being true laws. It's just for fun.
One law that would have came in handy is the law that states, "No person shall be permitted under any pretext to come nearer then fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room from the opening of the polls until the certification of the returns." If only Florida had laws like Arkansas, the election mess would have been solved easily! Recount the votes? No way, just throw them all out. They were all illegal votes!
Some Arkansas laws are unenforceable and redundant. One of them states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. I guess we're supposed to arrest the river for disobeying? How does a river pay a fine? It's illegal to kill any "living creature" in Fayetteville. However killing inanimate objects is perfectly okay. So go out there and kill yourself a mailbox!
Don't get too happy about your new found freedom. You might be excited enough to honk your car horn. Just watch out when and where you do it. It is illegal for a person to sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. Just be sure to kill a mailbox in a residential area.
My favorite law is one designed to get Northerners into trouble. That's right folks, if you mispronounce Arkansas (ARK-KAN-SAW) you're in for a fine or jail time. Just be sure not to flirt with those Northerners as you tell them they are breaking the law. In Little Rock, flirtation between men and women on the streets may result in a 30-day jail term. You might get to share a cozy cell together! Be careful! Don't get extremely cozy in that cell. Oral sex is considered sodomy in Arkansas and is punishable.
Animals in Arkansas get the weirdest laws. If you live in Arkansas, you may not keep an alligator in your bathtub. I guess lawmakers saw the movie once too often. Dog owners in Little Rock beware! If your dog barks after 6 PM you can be fined! The dog can be impounded. Cow owners should take heed too. Bessie may need her exercise but even cows deserve Sunday's off. It's unlawful to walk your cow after 1:00 on Sundays.
Women are also a popular subject for laws. Some old Arkansas laws are archaic. There is a law that states female teachers who bob their hair cannot be given a raise. Even more degrading is an old law that states a man can beat his wife in Little Rock provided he does it with a stick no bigger than 3 inches across and not more than once a month.
Arkansas may be a redneck state but at least we're not Tennessee. In Tennessee it is legal to gather and consume road kill and it is illegal for someone pulling up to a stop sign to refuse to fire a gun out of the window. Residents of Newark, New Jersey do this without a law. They should move to Tennessee!
There are some laws on Arkansas books that seem so useless that you have to wonder about the people that wrote them. Some of us probably break the law every day! Please note that some of these are old laws that are no longer valid and many have not been confirmed as being true laws. It's just for fun.
One law that would have came in handy is the law that states, "No person shall be permitted under any pretext to come nearer then fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room from the opening of the polls until the certification of the returns." If only Florida had laws like Arkansas, the election mess would have been solved easily! Recount the votes? No way, just throw them all out. They were all illegal votes!
Some Arkansas laws are unenforceable and redundant. One of them states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. I guess we're supposed to arrest the river for disobeying? How does a river pay a fine? It's illegal to kill any "living creature" in Fayetteville. However killing inanimate objects is perfectly okay. So go out there and kill yourself a mailbox!
Don't get too happy about your new found freedom. You might be excited enough to honk your car horn. Just watch out when and where you do it. It is illegal for a person to sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. Just be sure to kill a mailbox in a residential area.
My favorite law is one designed to get Northerners into trouble. That's right folks, if you mispronounce Arkansas (ARK-KAN-SAW) you're in for a fine or jail time. Just be sure not to flirt with those Northerners as you tell them they are breaking the law. In Little Rock, flirtation between men and women on the streets may result in a 30-day jail term. You might get to share a cozy cell together! Be careful! Don't get extremely cozy in that cell. Oral sex is considered sodomy in Arkansas and is punishable.
Animals in Arkansas get the weirdest laws. If you live in Arkansas, you may not keep an alligator in your bathtub. I guess lawmakers saw the movie once too often. Dog owners in Little Rock beware! If your dog barks after 6 PM you can be fined! The dog can be impounded. Cow owners should take heed too. Bessie may need her exercise but even cows deserve Sunday's off. It's unlawful to walk your cow after 1:00 on Sundays.
Women are also a popular subject for laws. Some old Arkansas laws are archaic. There is a law that states female teachers who bob their hair cannot be given a raise. Even more degrading is an old law that states a man can beat his wife in Little Rock provided he does it with a stick no bigger than 3 inches across and not more than once a month.
Arkansas may be a redneck state but at least we're not Tennessee. In Tennessee it is legal to gather and consume road kill and it is illegal for someone pulling up to a stop sign to refuse to fire a gun out of the window. Residents of Newark, New Jersey do this without a law. They should move to Tennessee!
Saturday, July 12, 2003
Subject: a true southerner
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them (with butter, salt and pepper) and they know that cornbread isn't sweet.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. (except for me, and I LIKE unsweetened tea)
20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
,,,,,,,,another Timm contribution**
Ah Am A True Southerner!
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them (with butter, salt and pepper) and they know that cornbread isn't sweet.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. (except for me, and I LIKE unsweetened tea)
20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
,,,,,,,,another Timm contribution**
Ah Am A True Southerner!
18 more days!! I don't care that it's only going to be a short trip, and I don't care that I'm taking a 6 yr old, a teenager, and maybe a gripey, 51 yr old (depends on what he's got going on at the farm that week). For 4 whole days, I'm not gonna be cooking, or cleaning, or doing laundry, or mowing the lawn!!
I didn't get to sleep last night until after 1:30 and woke up at 6:45. Zach was still asleep around 9 this morning so I went back to sleep and as luck would have it, my daughter came in just after 10 and woke us up. Sometimes I feel like putting a sign in the drive that says DO NOT DISTRUB!
These boys have pretty good writing skills too!
I didn't get to sleep last night until after 1:30 and woke up at 6:45. Zach was still asleep around 9 this morning so I went back to sleep and as luck would have it, my daughter came in just after 10 and woke us up. Sometimes I feel like putting a sign in the drive that says DO NOT DISTRUB!
These boys have pretty good writing skills too!
Friday, July 11, 2003
Just been reading all my neighborhood blogs and over at L's Stream.... I received inspiration to write about MY jail experience.
When I was the office manager many moons ago at Young's Agri, we had a labor board audit once. As luck would have it, the boss had by passed some of the labor pay laws and he ended up owing money to a few employees who no longer worked for him. One such employee was, at that time, in the local jail awaiting his trial for murder. (yep, we had a strange group working there from time to time)
After making out all of the checks and finding the employees I just had to deliver that one check to the jail and get a release signed by the employee. Easy enough you'd think. Take it to the office there, let them take it to the cell, let him sign, and bring the release back to me. As my luck would have it, it wasn't exactly that simple.
At that time the county jail was in part of the 150+ year old courthouse in Helena. It was located at the back, in a part that had not been refurbished in all that time to my estimate. I went tripping into the Sheriff's office and explained what I needed to a deputy dawg in there and he sent me around back to the jail part. I had to enter a barred door at street level and walk down a flight of stairs to a musky, dingy, little entrance that opened into the even ranker, skanky, jail kitchen. After standing there for ages, some woman wearing an apron finally came down some metal, spiral stairs and ask me if I needed help. I explained what I was there for and she yelled up the stairs and an officer came down to escort me up to the cells. It was there that I balked. I told him there was no way in hell that I was going to the cells to deliver that check and begged him to please take it up and get the guy to sign the paper. He finally agreed to do this and I found a chair in the corner of the kitchen by the door and sat down to wait.
And I waited, and waited. At one point another officer came in with an amazoned sized woman with arms like a pro wrestler. I suppose she was a prisoner because he sat her down at the kitchen table about 3 ft from where I sat and uncuffed her and told her to stay there until he checked to see if the cell was ready. He was only gone for a few minutes and when he took the woman's arm to guide her up the stairs to the cells, she started screaming and crying that she was innocent and there "weren't no way that his scrawny little ass was taking her up them stairs". Looking at her size, then looking at his, I started looking for a place to crawl under in case the shit started hitting the fan. That big woman wrestled his ass ALL OVER that kitchen and I finally couldn't keep my seat for fear of them falling on me, so I went to stand beside the cook! I figured at least that way there was a table between us and them.
After about 10 minutes of this screaming and wrestling match, I saw my little officer coming down the stairs with that bit of paper that I needed. I scooted around that table, grabbed that paper out of his hand, and ran my ass up the other stairs to the door, and was out of there faster than a cat could lick his ass. I was crying and shaking so bad when I got to my car that I couldn't unlock the door for a few minutes. When I got back to the office, I slammed into Tommy's (the boss's) office and threw that paper on his desk and told him,,"YOU OWE ME HAZARD PAY!"
All the hell I got was the afternoon off though.
When I was the office manager many moons ago at Young's Agri, we had a labor board audit once. As luck would have it, the boss had by passed some of the labor pay laws and he ended up owing money to a few employees who no longer worked for him. One such employee was, at that time, in the local jail awaiting his trial for murder. (yep, we had a strange group working there from time to time)
After making out all of the checks and finding the employees I just had to deliver that one check to the jail and get a release signed by the employee. Easy enough you'd think. Take it to the office there, let them take it to the cell, let him sign, and bring the release back to me. As my luck would have it, it wasn't exactly that simple.
At that time the county jail was in part of the 150+ year old courthouse in Helena. It was located at the back, in a part that had not been refurbished in all that time to my estimate. I went tripping into the Sheriff's office and explained what I needed to a deputy dawg in there and he sent me around back to the jail part. I had to enter a barred door at street level and walk down a flight of stairs to a musky, dingy, little entrance that opened into the even ranker, skanky, jail kitchen. After standing there for ages, some woman wearing an apron finally came down some metal, spiral stairs and ask me if I needed help. I explained what I was there for and she yelled up the stairs and an officer came down to escort me up to the cells. It was there that I balked. I told him there was no way in hell that I was going to the cells to deliver that check and begged him to please take it up and get the guy to sign the paper. He finally agreed to do this and I found a chair in the corner of the kitchen by the door and sat down to wait.
And I waited, and waited. At one point another officer came in with an amazoned sized woman with arms like a pro wrestler. I suppose she was a prisoner because he sat her down at the kitchen table about 3 ft from where I sat and uncuffed her and told her to stay there until he checked to see if the cell was ready. He was only gone for a few minutes and when he took the woman's arm to guide her up the stairs to the cells, she started screaming and crying that she was innocent and there "weren't no way that his scrawny little ass was taking her up them stairs". Looking at her size, then looking at his, I started looking for a place to crawl under in case the shit started hitting the fan. That big woman wrestled his ass ALL OVER that kitchen and I finally couldn't keep my seat for fear of them falling on me, so I went to stand beside the cook! I figured at least that way there was a table between us and them.
After about 10 minutes of this screaming and wrestling match, I saw my little officer coming down the stairs with that bit of paper that I needed. I scooted around that table, grabbed that paper out of his hand, and ran my ass up the other stairs to the door, and was out of there faster than a cat could lick his ass. I was crying and shaking so bad when I got to my car that I couldn't unlock the door for a few minutes. When I got back to the office, I slammed into Tommy's (the boss's) office and threw that paper on his desk and told him,,"YOU OWE ME HAZARD PAY!"
All the hell I got was the afternoon off though.
Hmmmmmmmmm,,,I could use several of these.
NEW DRUGS 4 WOMEN!
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked
now?"
ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by
enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing
enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8hrs!
NEW DRUGS 4 WOMEN!
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked
now?"
ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by
enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing
enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8hrs!
Things I've Learned So Far Today.
Never underestimate the power of an education.
Never underestimate what little education it takes to come up with your first explicit letter.
Zach handed me a note that he had composed entirely on his own. I opened it and began the translation of these two words:
PEPE PAKR
Now, keep in mind that he's learning to read using phonics. Translated, this means
PEEPEE PECKER
Now, guess what the next major step in his education is going to be.
Never underestimate the power of an education.
Never underestimate what little education it takes to come up with your first explicit letter.
Zach handed me a note that he had composed entirely on his own. I opened it and began the translation of these two words:
PEPE PAKR
Now, keep in mind that he's learning to read using phonics. Translated, this means
PEEPEE PECKER
Now, guess what the next major step in his education is going to be.
SOUTHERN SAYINGS ...
01. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
02. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
03. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
04. "Have a cup of coffee-it's already been 'saucered and blowed'."
05. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
06. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
07. "My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull."
08. "He's as country as cornflakes."
09. "This is gooder'n grits."
10. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
11. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy it."
12. I'm bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking
chairs.
******************
I've heard most of these sayings at one time or another and I also have a few that I use upon occasion.
"Hotter than a lizard's ass."
"Sweatin like a whore in church on Sunday."
"Busier than a one-legged kick boxer."
,,,,,,,,,,17 more days
01. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
02. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
03. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
04. "Have a cup of coffee-it's already been 'saucered and blowed'."
05. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
06. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
07. "My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull."
08. "He's as country as cornflakes."
09. "This is gooder'n grits."
10. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
11. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy it."
12. I'm bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking
chairs.
******************
I've heard most of these sayings at one time or another and I also have a few that I use upon occasion.
"Hotter than a lizard's ass."
"Sweatin like a whore in church on Sunday."
"Busier than a one-legged kick boxer."
,,,,,,,,,,17 more days
Thursday, July 10, 2003
I watched the news this evening and now I'm furious. In the past few days there have been two babies killed from being left behind in a freakin Daycare Van. WHAT is wrong with these fucking people?? How on earth to you FORGET a baby? In one of the instances it was the child's mother, who was half owner of the daycare, who left her OWN child in a van.
I've been a mother for 31 years now, and let me tell you people. You don't forget your children. First of all, they don't allow you to forget them if you are breathing and conscious enough to pay the least bit of attention. Secondly, I was with them so much, that even if the rare occasion happened that I was without them, I still looked for them. At hearing the word "Mom" while I'm out shopping, I've been known to reply automatically, even if it was someone else's child. Kids become a habit if you are even a half-ass decent mother/parent.
I can't think of a punishment severe enough for these folks. Those babies died in agony!
I've been a mother for 31 years now, and let me tell you people. You don't forget your children. First of all, they don't allow you to forget them if you are breathing and conscious enough to pay the least bit of attention. Secondly, I was with them so much, that even if the rare occasion happened that I was without them, I still looked for them. At hearing the word "Mom" while I'm out shopping, I've been known to reply automatically, even if it was someone else's child. Kids become a habit if you are even a half-ass decent mother/parent.
I can't think of a punishment severe enough for these folks. Those babies died in agony!
The House Behind The House
One of my bygone recollections, as I recall the days of yore
is the little house, behind the house, with the crescent o'er the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder with your head bowed down so low,
knowing that you wouldn't be there, if you didn't have to go.
Ours was a three-holer, with a size for every one.
You left there feeling better after the job was done.
You had to make these frequent trips, whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog,
to the little house where you sat and read the Sears Roebuck catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter the seat was covered with snow.'
Twas then with much reluctance to the little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear the seat, bend low and, with shivers in mind,
you'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth as you sat on your behind.
I recall the day that Granddad, who stayed with us one summer,
made a trip to the shanty which proved to be a hummer.
'Twas the same day my Dad finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made with rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags in the shanty hole and went on his usual way,
not knowing that by doing so he would eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call; I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house lingers in my memory yet.
He sat down on the shanty seat, with both feet on the floor,
then filled his pipe with tobacco and struck a match on the outhouse door.
As he took a long puff on his pipe, he slowly raised his behind, tossed the flaming match in the open hole, with not a worry on his mind.
The blast that followed, I am sure was heard for miles around;
and there was poor ol' Granddad just sitting on the ground.
The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth, his suspenders he held tight;
the celebrated three-holer was blown clear out of sight.
When we asked him what had happened, his answer I'll never forget.
He thought it must of been something that he had et!
Next day we had a new one which my Dad built with ease.
With a sign on the entrance door which read: No smoking, Please!
Now that's the end of the story, with memories of long ago,
of the little house, behind the house where we went cause we had to go.
,,,,,,,,,,,,another Timm special*
One of my bygone recollections, as I recall the days of yore
is the little house, behind the house, with the crescent o'er the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder with your head bowed down so low,
knowing that you wouldn't be there, if you didn't have to go.
Ours was a three-holer, with a size for every one.
You left there feeling better after the job was done.
You had to make these frequent trips, whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog,
to the little house where you sat and read the Sears Roebuck catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter the seat was covered with snow.'
Twas then with much reluctance to the little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear the seat, bend low and, with shivers in mind,
you'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth as you sat on your behind.
I recall the day that Granddad, who stayed with us one summer,
made a trip to the shanty which proved to be a hummer.
'Twas the same day my Dad finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made with rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags in the shanty hole and went on his usual way,
not knowing that by doing so he would eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call; I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house lingers in my memory yet.
He sat down on the shanty seat, with both feet on the floor,
then filled his pipe with tobacco and struck a match on the outhouse door.
As he took a long puff on his pipe, he slowly raised his behind, tossed the flaming match in the open hole, with not a worry on his mind.
The blast that followed, I am sure was heard for miles around;
and there was poor ol' Granddad just sitting on the ground.
The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth, his suspenders he held tight;
the celebrated three-holer was blown clear out of sight.
When we asked him what had happened, his answer I'll never forget.
He thought it must of been something that he had et!
Next day we had a new one which my Dad built with ease.
With a sign on the entrance door which read: No smoking, Please!
Now that's the end of the story, with memories of long ago,
of the little house, behind the house where we went cause we had to go.
,,,,,,,,,,,,another Timm special*
I'm almost awake (under protest mind you) and soon I'll have to go take my bath and get ready to go into work for a few hours today. But first I wanted to post a few things that I found interesting in the new edition of "The Daily Dirt". If you can ignore the pornographic advertisements and links on his page (sometimes automated ones!), you will often find some good jokes and occasionally a few good articles.
As far as omens go, it was inauspicious and somewhat cliche, while no doubt spectacular for those who were there to see it. It was on Thursday, the third of July. A hot and muggy Independence Eve. Standing at the pulpit of the First Baptist Church in Forest, Ohio, guest preacher Ronnie Cheney (no relation) was winding up his sermon, calling upon the Lord to give the congregation "a sign," some inkling of his presence. No sooner had he spoken the challenge than a blast of blue lightning plunged through the church's steeple, ripped through the sound system, snaked up the microphone and enveloped Cheney in a cloak of cold fire. Later on, outside the church, as firefighters doused the flames, Cheney described the incident as: "Awesome! Just awesome!"
The traveling preacher, giddy over the implications and heedless of the destruction caused by his answered prayer, had no way of knowing his brush with Jungian synchronicity would be the spark that ignited a short and ongoing season of miracles.
The next dayÂ… July 4, 2003. Independence Day. The nation's two-hundred and twenty-sixth birthday. In Philadelphia, a celebration is taking place as Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is on hand to help inaugurate the National Constitution Center. As she asks the gathered celebrants to pull the ribbons that will reveal the building's facade, a huge chunk of frame is loosened and comes this close to hammering O'Connor's skull down into her ribcage. A not-so-subtle reminder that there is something out there - a spirit, an ideal - that hasn't forgotten the brutal assault she and her four Supreme Court cohorts dealt the Constitution in December of the year 2000? Who can say?
Meanwhile, that same Independence Day morning, at Washington's National Zoo, the mangled, bloody carcass of a formerly majestic, 21-year-old bald eagle was discovered. A shredded lump amid the weeds and dirt of its aviary, the puncture wounds and lacerations indicated some kind of predator had felled the iconic raptor, though no other animal was found in the enclosure. The eagle is only the most recent in a long line of mysterious animal deaths at the zoo, and it's the first to garner national attention. The near-perfect metaphorical aspects are simply too resonant to ignore.
And on it goes. In Africa, as Preznit Dubya touches down for his first state tour of that plague and war-ridden continent, a plane in Sudan ploughs into the ground, killing all on boardÂ… except one. A two-year-old toddler survives what 115 other unfortunates do not. What kind of future awaits this unbreakable wonder-child? And what part - if any - will he play in this future?
Back home, in a cruel twist of fate (?), a Marine who took part in PFC Jessica Lynch's highly suspect "rescue" from an Iraqi hospital dies in car crash on his first weekend home from the burning sands of Iraq. His name is Josh Daniel Speer, and yer old pal Jerky thinks there are some points that we should keep in mind about this incident. First: the rescue debacle - with its contraflicting tales of derring-do and its ever-shifting details - has proven to be highly controversial, and somewhat of an embarrassment to the USG. Second: Jessica Lynch, herself, is still being kept incommunicado, isolated in a military hospital, away from even the most delicate of media (something that should be freaking people out right about now, but isn't, for some reason). And, finally, Speer would have had intimate, first-hand knowledge of what really happened t hat night. The fact that he died within days of returning home is certainly not a smoking gun, but in this age of blighted synchrony, it certainly is fishy, nonetheless.
In Singapore, two Iranian sisters, conjoined at the skull, risked all in an operation that captured the world's imagination. They could no longer stand to live with each other, but they couldn't survive when separated. The supreme irony, they didn't even know they shared too much to live without each other. And yet, their dream of a better life brought the world together, first in hope, and then in sorrow. From billionaire captains of industry to naked tribesmen in the equatorial rainforests of South America, there is a universal respect all humans have for the valiant struggle, and the universal sorrow we all have when the fight ends in defeat.
As far as omens go, it was inauspicious and somewhat cliche, while no doubt spectacular for those who were there to see it. It was on Thursday, the third of July. A hot and muggy Independence Eve. Standing at the pulpit of the First Baptist Church in Forest, Ohio, guest preacher Ronnie Cheney (no relation) was winding up his sermon, calling upon the Lord to give the congregation "a sign," some inkling of his presence. No sooner had he spoken the challenge than a blast of blue lightning plunged through the church's steeple, ripped through the sound system, snaked up the microphone and enveloped Cheney in a cloak of cold fire. Later on, outside the church, as firefighters doused the flames, Cheney described the incident as: "Awesome! Just awesome!"
The traveling preacher, giddy over the implications and heedless of the destruction caused by his answered prayer, had no way of knowing his brush with Jungian synchronicity would be the spark that ignited a short and ongoing season of miracles.
The next dayÂ… July 4, 2003. Independence Day. The nation's two-hundred and twenty-sixth birthday. In Philadelphia, a celebration is taking place as Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is on hand to help inaugurate the National Constitution Center. As she asks the gathered celebrants to pull the ribbons that will reveal the building's facade, a huge chunk of frame is loosened and comes this close to hammering O'Connor's skull down into her ribcage. A not-so-subtle reminder that there is something out there - a spirit, an ideal - that hasn't forgotten the brutal assault she and her four Supreme Court cohorts dealt the Constitution in December of the year 2000? Who can say?
Meanwhile, that same Independence Day morning, at Washington's National Zoo, the mangled, bloody carcass of a formerly majestic, 21-year-old bald eagle was discovered. A shredded lump amid the weeds and dirt of its aviary, the puncture wounds and lacerations indicated some kind of predator had felled the iconic raptor, though no other animal was found in the enclosure. The eagle is only the most recent in a long line of mysterious animal deaths at the zoo, and it's the first to garner national attention. The near-perfect metaphorical aspects are simply too resonant to ignore.
And on it goes. In Africa, as Preznit Dubya touches down for his first state tour of that plague and war-ridden continent, a plane in Sudan ploughs into the ground, killing all on boardÂ… except one. A two-year-old toddler survives what 115 other unfortunates do not. What kind of future awaits this unbreakable wonder-child? And what part - if any - will he play in this future?
Back home, in a cruel twist of fate (?), a Marine who took part in PFC Jessica Lynch's highly suspect "rescue" from an Iraqi hospital dies in car crash on his first weekend home from the burning sands of Iraq. His name is Josh Daniel Speer, and yer old pal Jerky thinks there are some points that we should keep in mind about this incident. First: the rescue debacle - with its contraflicting tales of derring-do and its ever-shifting details - has proven to be highly controversial, and somewhat of an embarrassment to the USG. Second: Jessica Lynch, herself, is still being kept incommunicado, isolated in a military hospital, away from even the most delicate of media (something that should be freaking people out right about now, but isn't, for some reason). And, finally, Speer would have had intimate, first-hand knowledge of what really happened t hat night. The fact that he died within days of returning home is certainly not a smoking gun, but in this age of blighted synchrony, it certainly is fishy, nonetheless.
In Singapore, two Iranian sisters, conjoined at the skull, risked all in an operation that captured the world's imagination. They could no longer stand to live with each other, but they couldn't survive when separated. The supreme irony, they didn't even know they shared too much to live without each other. And yet, their dream of a better life brought the world together, first in hope, and then in sorrow. From billionaire captains of industry to naked tribesmen in the equatorial rainforests of South America, there is a universal respect all humans have for the valiant struggle, and the universal sorrow we all have when the fight ends in defeat.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
I'm giving it up for the evening. I had a notion that I could relax and listen to my Joe Diffy cd while reading all my favorite blogs. It's pretty much been in starts and stops though, keep having to get Zach out of this or that, or answer another of his endless questions, or check his loose tooth for the 50th time. I tried to make a table for the right margin of my blog but THAT didn't work (it looked ok to me, but it sure made a mess on the screen!). I'll get this stuff figured out one day and when I do "ya'll better get back!" (grin).
Man I'll be glad when these fumbling days are past. As I was putting the cooking spray back into the cabinet tonight, I dropped it into the casserole that I had just taken out of the oven. Luckily no one noticed so I smoothed it over and hopefully the casserole was steaming enough that no germs were spread. But if there were, don't tell anyone that I did it!
Last week Kat and I were chatting on IM, and since our conversations tend to flow from one subject to the next with little regard for anything other than what pops into our head at the time, we had a short discussion about the New Madrid Fault.
I was telling her about my first experience with an tremor. We have felt them here several times, or should have were it not for there being tremors in my house all the time from kids running around and wrecking havoc, but I hadn't given it much thought until a few years ago when there was widespread panic in our area over some prediction about the "big one" from some dude who didn't even live in the good old U.S. A few years ago, I also read a fictional novel called "The Rift" by Walter J. Williams and I must say that it pretty much scared the shit out of me.
The experts are still predicting a 90% likelihood of a quake or quakes of the same magnitude as the ones that occurred in 1811-1812 but I've pretty much put the worries about it in the same spot where I hold the ones about having a tornado blast through my bedroom some night (or day). It could happen, but damned if it does any good to lose any sleep over it. Right?
I was telling her about my first experience with an tremor. We have felt them here several times, or should have were it not for there being tremors in my house all the time from kids running around and wrecking havoc, but I hadn't given it much thought until a few years ago when there was widespread panic in our area over some prediction about the "big one" from some dude who didn't even live in the good old U.S. A few years ago, I also read a fictional novel called "The Rift" by Walter J. Williams and I must say that it pretty much scared the shit out of me.
The experts are still predicting a 90% likelihood of a quake or quakes of the same magnitude as the ones that occurred in 1811-1812 but I've pretty much put the worries about it in the same spot where I hold the ones about having a tornado blast through my bedroom some night (or day). It could happen, but damned if it does any good to lose any sleep over it. Right?
A Little More Arkansas
It gets pretty hot down here in the summertime which causes everything to slow down including speech. We talk slowly and consequently we have to find a way to shorten our speech or it would take forever to carry on a conversation. This is done mostly by eliminating any pesky (bothersome) consonants that happen to find their way into words. There are alot of unoffical contractions in Southern English. We also make use of words where no defination would be found in dictionaries.
Carryin' me ta can be used for "taking me to" as in, "My brother is carryin' me ta breakfast this mornin'." You can also use carried for the past tense (took) as in, "I just carried the kids ta Wal-Mart yesterday."
If someone invites you ta go frog giggin', they are inviting you to partake in the southern Arkansas sport which involves spearing bull frogs with a gig (or metal spear) to later fry and enjoy their tasty legs.
If someone offers you a Coke, it could mean any flavor of carbonated beverage, whereas a col'drank encompasses all carbonated beverages as well as iced tea, lemonade, fruit juice etc. In Arkansas, the word oil is pronounced ol' and obviously said in one syllable. Practice this one by rhyming the word oil with coal (instead of coil like you would do up north). If someone asks you, "How's your momanem?" do not be alarmed. They probably just haven't seen you in awhile and are asking about the well being of your family (or your kin). Translation: "How is your mom and them?"
As a general rule, you can usually substitute ta for to, ya for you, and when practicing your Arkansas-isms never pronounce the g sound at the end of any word endin' with ing. Always use the proper form-- in'.
Now for a few of those different words.
a'ight (aw' ite)-- all right--affirmative, okay, a term of agreement.
Crick--Creek
O-K-den--Okay then
Thar--there.
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
FARN -- adjective. Not local. (as in he's a farn'er)
BOB WAR-- noun. A sharp, twisted cable. (bob war fence)
,,,,,,,,,,,19 more days!
It gets pretty hot down here in the summertime which causes everything to slow down including speech. We talk slowly and consequently we have to find a way to shorten our speech or it would take forever to carry on a conversation. This is done mostly by eliminating any pesky (bothersome) consonants that happen to find their way into words. There are alot of unoffical contractions in Southern English. We also make use of words where no defination would be found in dictionaries.
Carryin' me ta can be used for "taking me to" as in, "My brother is carryin' me ta breakfast this mornin'." You can also use carried for the past tense (took) as in, "I just carried the kids ta Wal-Mart yesterday."
If someone invites you ta go frog giggin', they are inviting you to partake in the southern Arkansas sport which involves spearing bull frogs with a gig (or metal spear) to later fry and enjoy their tasty legs.
If someone offers you a Coke, it could mean any flavor of carbonated beverage, whereas a col'drank encompasses all carbonated beverages as well as iced tea, lemonade, fruit juice etc. In Arkansas, the word oil is pronounced ol' and obviously said in one syllable. Practice this one by rhyming the word oil with coal (instead of coil like you would do up north). If someone asks you, "How's your momanem?" do not be alarmed. They probably just haven't seen you in awhile and are asking about the well being of your family (or your kin). Translation: "How is your mom and them?"
As a general rule, you can usually substitute ta for to, ya for you, and when practicing your Arkansas-isms never pronounce the g sound at the end of any word endin' with ing. Always use the proper form-- in'.
Now for a few of those different words.
a'ight (aw' ite)-- all right--affirmative, okay, a term of agreement.
Crick--Creek
O-K-den--Okay then
Thar--there.
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
FARN -- adjective. Not local. (as in he's a farn'er)
BOB WAR-- noun. A sharp, twisted cable. (bob war fence)
,,,,,,,,,,,19 more days!
Monday, July 07, 2003
Well I made it though another Monday. Zach was up to par with his terrorist activities, and Alexis was cranky today so I was pretty tied down with keeping her entertained all day. And to make things ever more interesting, I was a total Fumbleina today. Four ounces of formula easily looks like a gallon when you spill it on the counter and it runs under the coffee maker and microwave. Then thinking that I'd settle my nerves with a nice cup of coffee, I ended up tossing the full cup all over my white kitchen floor. But I held on to the cup so at least there weren't broken bits of glass in the mess.
Zach has discovered horseflies and he has also discovered that he doesn't like horseflies. He thinks they wait outside the door for him. Thinking I'd do a little good with this situation (such as keep him from playing in the mud and water so much) I told him that they won't bother you if you aren't wet or sweaty. Now every time he decides to go outdoors to play he wants me to smell him to see if he's sweaty! I've probably scarred him for life.
I did photos of my vines this morning before my son arrived with Alexis. I'm still waiting to see my first hummingbird of the season.
Zach has discovered horseflies and he has also discovered that he doesn't like horseflies. He thinks they wait outside the door for him. Thinking I'd do a little good with this situation (such as keep him from playing in the mud and water so much) I told him that they won't bother you if you aren't wet or sweaty. Now every time he decides to go outdoors to play he wants me to smell him to see if he's sweaty! I've probably scarred him for life.
I did photos of my vines this morning before my son arrived with Alexis. I'm still waiting to see my first hummingbird of the season.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Our Rights
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights!
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights!
I've had an almost totally lazy Sunday. I did clean toilets and do a little laundry and cooked one meal, but for the most part, I didn't do Jack(or Jill either for that matter).
It's hot enough today to scorch a lizard's ass. I love summer but when I start to sweat from just walking down the drive to take the trash out, IT IS HOT. The weatherman said the high today was 88 but I guess the humidity must be on up there.
We did more corn yesterday. This time we cut it off the cob and put about 16 quarts in the freezer. This was a James project that ended up with Brenda having to help and clean up the mess afterwards. One thing I'm really enjoying from the garden though is those fresh, tasty, tomatoes!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,22 more days!
It's hot enough today to scorch a lizard's ass. I love summer but when I start to sweat from just walking down the drive to take the trash out, IT IS HOT. The weatherman said the high today was 88 but I guess the humidity must be on up there.
We did more corn yesterday. This time we cut it off the cob and put about 16 quarts in the freezer. This was a James project that ended up with Brenda having to help and clean up the mess afterwards. One thing I'm really enjoying from the garden though is those fresh, tasty, tomatoes!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,22 more days!
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