Friday, October 14, 2005
The Man I love
As I gently rubbed yet another crayon mark from the wall with my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (if you haven't tried these you're missing out on a miricle!), I realized I am in love with this man,,,doesn't matter one bit to me that he's been as dead as a doornail for over 40 years (yep, he personally shined his last floor in 1964 before he was brutally murdered), the man is still the answer to every housewife's dream. Studly biceps, cute ass, and he does floors and windows!!
Mr. Clean’s appearance – big, strong and friendly – created the household cleaner’s identity back in 1958 as a product that provides quick, easy cleaning of almost everything around the house. As the song goes, Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute…Mr. Clean will clean your whole house and everything that’s in it! Keep it clean with Mr. Clean!
Things were going well for Clean too and they were about to get better. While beating the life out of man who owed him money in a Madison Avenue alley, he was discovered by an advertising executive who had recently won the account for Proctor & Gamble’s new cleaning product “Suddsy Clean.” At first the exec had pictured a fluffy teddy bear-type mascot to sell the product to American housewives, but while he stood there watching Clean repeatedly pound his bloody brass knuckles into that poor chump’s already shattered jaw, he had an idea. “Stop!” he yelled in a burst of excitement, prompting Clean to remove his trusty revolver from it’s holster and take aim at his head. While begging for his life, the cowering ad man explained that he wanted Clean to be the spokesman for a product he would rename “Mr. Clean” because he was sure that the chrome-domed giant could be as tough on dirt and grime as he was on that poor debtor’s pulverized skull. Clean considered for a moment, then shot the debtor twice through the forehead, and told the executive he had a deal.
Cameras began rolling on a series of television and radio commercials for the new product, but there was one hitch – Clean’s thick New York accent that the rest of the country found too jarring. “Mistuh Cleeyn” wasn’t selling in America’s heartland, but the problem was easily fixed by making silence one of the “Mr. Clean” character’s trademarks and having product information instead provided by a catchy jingle. The new, revamped ad campaign was a great success and stores couldn’t keep enough product on the shelves. Mr. Clean was now a household name and everybody was happy. Everybody except for Carlo Gambino.
With his body guard’s face now in every kitchen in America, Carlo Gambino was getting much more press than he preferred. He couldn’t go anywhere without being slowed down by Clean’s crazed fans asking for autographs, the cops were on alert anytime they saw a bald head, and Clean was now an easy face to pick out of police lineups (not to mention that he had gone Hollywood and pierced his ear with a gold hoop.) Citing Clean’s years of faithful service, Gambino was willing to put up with the inconveniences as well as his body guard’s new “gay pirate” look. But when he learned that Clean had been running his own scams and skimming of the top of the Gambinos’ profits, his number was up.
Clean was invited to the Gambino kitchen for a private meeting like he had done countless times before. When he arrived he was greeted by Carlo, and then greeted in the back of his head twice by a .357 Magnum. Looking at the bloody mess on the kitchen floor that was once his body guard and good friend, Carlo sighed. But business is business. Ironically, the evidence was easily mopped up using a few bottles of Mr. Clean Orange Scented, and all that was left behind was sparkling white tile and a fresh citrus scent.
They probably would have been able to stump even Grisom from CSI if they'd used these magic erasers to remove the blood splatters from the wall.