Friday, August 27, 2004

I Need Drugs!!!

I have two cousins who are having a whole hell-of-a lot more fun than I am about this being 50 stuff. Here is my cousin Hop's latest contribution to the torture.


Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours.

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