I have two cousins who are having a whole hell-of-a lot more fun than I am about this being 50 stuff. Here is my cousin Hop's latest contribution to the torture.
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN!
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours.