I'd rather be a mechanic!

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.

Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking – let’s patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."

The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

So you think you don't need insurance on that new puter?

What is Wrong with me??

Sometimes I feel like I'm less of a citizen because I don't give a shit about who's running for president of these here states. For some reason, I'd rather spend my energy on things that I can really do something about and worrying and pondering about who's going to win the presidency just ain't one of them.

I can't feed every starving child in the world, but I know how to grow a garden and preserve the food to feed my own and a few more.

I can't keep our good old federal, state, and local governments from taking a good 50% of my hard earned money in taxes to pay for their fine homes, cars, expense accounts, and college degrees for their kids, but I am intelligent enough to have learned enough about the tax system and the laws that I damn sure don't give them too much more than what they believe to be their fair share.

I can't make choices for women who find themselves in a situation to where they feel they must make the decision to have an abortion, and I don't want to. Nor should anyone else, especially those who use violence to try to change their minds. I can only do what's right for me.

I can't tolerate those that thrive on the misery of others, but I can't change the person that they are or what made them so miserable that they became that way. I try to steer a wide path around them. Misery loves company so let them be alone.

I can't educate the world, but I can help to teach a child to read.

Quickie

It's mostly the SOS around here. I did get out of my pjs long enough yesterday to go into Helena to do a few things that I've been putting off and I was on the phone a good bit the rest of the day trying to find out the status of new health insurance and set up appointments with two tax clients for Thursday.

James came home early since it had rained and was too wet to work in the fields so we had an early dinner at El Canaveral and came home to plant my dahlia bulbs and fertilize some of my other plants. I'm not sure why I bother since the farmer who owns the neighboring land usually kills or maimes everydamnthing I try to grow!!

One little bit of good news is the trees I planted last year (after they survived being mauled by the neighbor's dogs) are sprouting little tiny leaves. The advertised 10 ft a year growth has far to go though since they maybe grew 2 inches since I planted them. Ankle high is a longass way from 10ft. Don't you agree?

I've made an appointment to take Zach to talk with the doc on Friday. I think it'll make us both feel better to get him checked out.

I'm outta here now to prepare myself for a day with two of the girls again. MeriKate has another appointment in Little Rock today.

Now where'd I put that tranxene?

Sheer

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Funeral Services are pending...

Saturday

I forgot to play fairy. It's the second time in a row that I forgot to play fairy. I don't learn from my mistakes you see. If, perchance, we are sent back to do things over and over again until we get them right, I'm screwed.

Luckily I'm good at covering up some of my "oops" and came up with a believable story to convince Zach that he must have pushed it behind the bed in his sleep. In order to make this halfass believable I had to palm a few dollars (it costs dumbass fairies more than the normal ones), belly-crawl under my bed, and pretend that I found what the tooth fairy had left. After all this, the kid had the nerve to wonder if the fairy had left his tooth by mistake like last time. He had the idea that he could recycle it by putting it under his pillow again tonight so that dumbass old fairy would leave him a few more bucks. I think this child has a future in finance.



On a more serious note

Zach's been having nightmares. He's also been freaking out every time we're in the truck and have to drive over the ditch that they ended up in during the accident a few weeks ago.

This morning his PopPop called and asked me to bring him down to the farm so he could spend the day with him. He was excited, as always, to be going down there.

When we went to get into the truck, he asked me where my glasses were. I told him I had forgotten them but didn't really need them since we were just going to meet PopPop half way to the farm. He insisted that I wear them and went back into the house and got them for me.

As we drove down our road and neared the part where we crossed the ditch, he kept saying, "Nanaw, watch the road. Get in the middle, be careful, watch the road!"
I reassured him that the road was plenty wide enough and he shouldn't be so worried about because I was driving carefully.

We met James and Zach happily got into his truck for a day at the farm and I turned around and started home. I was only about 2 miles from the house when my cell rang. I answered and it was James telling me that I was going to have to drive back down there to get Zach. He'd freaked out when they were going to the field where the tractors were. They were driving beside a large drainage ditch (they're all over the farm) and Zach started crying and begging James to look at the road, not look in the fields, and insisting that they not drive beside the ditch. James said he stopped the truck and tried to talk to Zach about it, telling him that nothing was different from any other time that he's spent the day on the farm, but Zach couldn't calm down.

I've decided to call our family doctor tomorrow and talk with him about counseling for Zach over this. I don't want him to be frightened all the time about uncontrollable things and this is really worrying me.

Ya'll let me know what you think.

Thinkin

In a few months we'll be having our 33rd wedding anniversary and I remember every one of those years. I've already started thinking of a gift for hubby to buy me because in the past I've learned if I don't give him a really good idea about a gift, really early, I'll end up with something he thinks I SHOULD want. For instance here's a list of modern, traditional anniversary gifts and a James list.

Traditional - James List
1st - Clock - Tire gauge
2nd - China - Oil and Oil filter
3rd - Crystal - New fishing reel
4th - Appliances - Fishing Boat
5th - Silverware - Tackle box
6th - Wood - New Shotgun
7th - Stationary - Dog training collar
8th - Linens - New Tarp for boat
9th - Leather - Hunting coat
10th - Diamond - Tools and tool box

I'm so proud to be living in America!

Tiff posted this over at Mind Diversion.

All typepad.com and blogs.com hosted sites are banned in China starting this morning, a week after China has agreed to amend its constitution to respect human rights. This is another move by the Central government to curb free speech and freedom of information on the Internet. This is the first time in two years that China has blocked access to foreign servers that host personal sites.

Last week saw two hosting services within China, blogbus and blogscn banned. After shutting down forums and message boards with in the country, it’s now using blocking software to stop information from leaking into the county via personal sites, an increasingly vibrant China internet community, and a place where users are slipping in banned information. Some sites in the blogging community are turning black in protest of this event while others are reporting the incident. So far sites in Hong Kong, US, Canada, and the Netherlands has done so.

Ya'll surf over to Mind Diversion and click to read the report.

Farting Contest

A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox.

Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts.

Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out.

The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

After a long night of making love,
he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..

I've decided to liven this site up a little.

I'll just follow Kim's lead. The only problem is that I've always looked like a grandma.

Well, a sporty grandma.



So there ya go Dick, use your imagination AND add a few years.

How many of Ya'll are old enough to remember this old song?

I heard it on the radio yesterday and it brought back old memories.

Let It Out (Let It All Hang Out)
THE HOMBRES
(Bill Cunningham)

(spoken): "A preachment, dear friends, you are about to receive
on John Barleycorn, nicotine, and the temptations of Eve"
(Bronx cheer)

No parkin' by the sewer sign
Hot dog, my razor's broke
Water drippin' up the spout
But I don't care, let it all hang out

Hangin' from a pine tree by my knees
Sun is shinin' through the shade
Nobody knows what it's all about,
It's too much, man, let it all hang out

Saw a man walkin' upside down
My T.V.'s on the blink
Made Galileo look like a Boy Scout
Sorry 'bout that, let it all hang out

Sleep all day, drive all night
Brain my numb, can't stop now
For sure ain't no doubt
Keep an open mind, let it all hang out

It's rainin' inside a big brown moon
How does that mess you baby up, leg
Eatin' a Reuben sandwich with sauerkraut
Don't stop now, baby, let it all hang out

Let it all hang out ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Tuesday Recap

Jami brought the girls by around 9, then at 11 Jerri called and asked if I could keep the Chickie for the afternoon due to a sudden babysitter emergency. She brought her by on her lunch hour.

I can get a few things done when I have the older ones but with the Chickie, I have to be right there in the room with her. She's at that age where she thinks everything needs to be tasted and would just as soon taste a bug as a piece of chocolate. (in fact she ate a lady bug last summer and seemed to approve of the taste)

I did get start the vacuum and then spent a half hour trying to figure out why it wasn't picking stuff up. It seems that I had attached a hose where it wasn't supposed to be attached and in the process was doing nothing but recycling the dust (in and right back out, bypassing the bag).

The rest of my day was pretty much spent playing. The Chickie brought her new little "let's twist" musical toy bunny and by late afternoon I was ready to cut his little bunny throat.

We watched Dora the Explorer twice. We sang, we danced, we told nursery rhymes. We almost burned up the remote surfing cartoon channels.

Hubby called to check in on my sanity and when he heard that I had an extra little one he actually suggested that I order pizza takeout for supper. Imagine my surprise that he would think that I had not already thought of that but being the good wife that I am, I let him take the credit for the idea. I'm wondering if he really thought I was going to stop playing long enough to COOK!

Jerri picked the pizza up and brought it out after work and my son came by on his way home for work so we had a nice pizza supper that Nanny only had to provide paper plates for.

Last evening I spent a little time reading blogs (I'm so far behind I'm ashamed!) and then spent a little more time playing with the paint program so I will at least be able to draw a stick figure when the time comes to paint my canvas for the Special K art exhibit.

Hope everyone had a glorious day and woke up to another one today!




The musical Rabbit with the death wish.

Yesterday

I

Did a load of laundry.

Put together my new vacuum (the old one ate a sock and is acting ugly)

Drove to Forrest City and bought a helmet so Zach can ride the ATV with PopPop

Went to the Tax office there and did a client's return

Arrived back home after 6 and cooked supper (sausage, eggs, and biscuits cause I forgot to put something from the freezer out to thaw)

Helped with homework

Fought with Zach to get him IN the tub for a bath

Fought with Zach to get him OUT of the tub after bath.

Collapsed due to frustration and stress and started reading a new book.

Today

I must

Hang curtains in toy room

Try out the new vacuum

Prepare myself to also have two of Zach's little sisters here until tomorrow evening

Do the rest of the laundry

Keep my cool

Help with homework

Cook dinner

Not think of anything else to put on this list!

Quiz for the men

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only reallysportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate its a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

10 When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11 What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12 What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.


Score:

Mostly A's : You lied, you're actually a woman.
Mostly B's : You have been blessed with many feminine tendencies, be thankful
Mostly C's : Yep, you're a real male. Please study the A and B answers in order to go further in life.

Feel proud knowing that there is hope if you discovered that there is no #5. It indicates there are actual brain cells circulating up there somewhere.

This is Tuesday, right?

I'm wondering why blogger is acting as though this were Monday!
I can't get into any of the blogger sites including my own. Dammit!

Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without
water.. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."


********POOF****** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

********POOF***He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.

I'm going to prepare myself

Look for lightening strikes, runaway trucks, for thinking these are funny.





Maybe if I don't mention her by name,,,,,,,,,,,

Yes Ma'am I do need to look into one of these.

Although, these males around my house really need it ringed in flashing neon!

More today

I was interrupted before I finished posting all my photos today.

MeriKate still looks a little banged up but it's not slowing her down much.



The Chickie played hard all day and here she's coming out of a cupboard that I let her play in.

SPRING!!!!

The peach trees are blooming.



A couple of my early irises are also abloom.



And my plum tree is bursting out all over!

Friday (I read that somewhere today)

My Chinese willow tree that I've been growing for 12 yrs is dead!

One of the blooming trees I planted last year (which supposedly grows 10 ft a year), is missing. The other looks like a 7in stick stuck in the ground.

The cell phones arrived and I spent another 30 minutes on the phone canceling my order and getting return instructions. The damn things aren't as big as a cigarette package and I'd have to have a magnifying glass to see the numbers. As much as I hate Altell lately, guess I'll stay rather than try to use the cingular midgets.

I received a call from a client and have to go into the office Monday afternoon to do 1 tax return.

I feel like a right bitch today. Does it show?

Tripping the Rift

If ya'll haven't already been by the Scifi Channel and taken a look at Tripping the Rift, you should!! It can pass as a children's show with the great animations but has just enough naughtiness to keep even the most bored of us entertained.

*a foulmouthed violet alien



*a shiny gold robot with a prissy accent



*a babe that makes Seven of Nine look about as sexy as an engine block (okay, a well-lubricated engine block)




I'm talking about Tripping the Rift, the new animated series that started last fall on the SciFi channel. These guys go beyond skewering science fiction archetypes and cliches. They impale them, draw and quarter them, and then dance exhuberantly among the entrails.

The Tripping The Rift preview is now available for download, and ranks right up there among the funniest shit I've seen in forever. Download it now. Uh... "Make it so." Or something.

(Warning: includes gratuitous violence to stormtroopers, crude sexual byplay, and evil clowns with lightsabers. May not be suitable for children younger than 12, or George Lucas)

This space babe is my favorite character. T'Nuk in all her glory!



I have been entertained!

I feel useless.

Yesterday the phone rang and Zach ran to answer it. The one-sided conversation I heard was:

"When you commin home"?

"Can we play baseball"?

"Naw, she's too old"

"Ok, bye".

What would you get out of that?

I love friends with a great sense of humor!

Now when your day starts out like this, you just know it's gotta get better.

When a friend makes me laugh, I just gotta share it!

I was about to fall out of my chair laughing when I got this!!

Can't help it, gotta do it

Post this I mean.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity, when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.

Driving behind the couple were a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said,
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

FINALLY!

Only an hour and 45 minutes and I've changed cell phone service and ordered new phones!

In the midst of my ditzy week

I'm fumble-ina again this week and I'm glad that it waited till this week instead of last week when I had all those chillins.

Last night when I was clearing up the kitchen (after taking a break before tackling it), I had a container of pinto beans in one hand and a container of left-over roast and veggies in the other. Out of nowhere the beans container took on a life of it's own and I found out that they don't make those lids to handle a drop from about 4 ft.
I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning beans from the floor, the dishwasher, the cabinets, and the fridge.

Hubby slept through the whole thing, even the cursing and yelling part.

So hey Kat, I got no beans!

Animal's Revenge

It's hard to believe this was the same child in PICU this time last week.

Tuesday

I finally put real clothes on today for a couple of hours in order to go do the things that I should have done yesterday but didn't because I didn't want to take off my pjs.

I went to see my little black man to pay the bills for the Improvement Dist and pick up their deposits to take to the bank.

I went to the bank and made the deposits, cashed a check, and paid Zach's registration fees for baseball this season.

I forgot to go by the water company to pay my bill so I had to backtrack. Did that and paid it.

Went to my bank to make a deposit.

Stopped at taco bell to get Zach a taco salad for lunch.

Came home and as I was putting my pjs back on I was thinking that I really could have left them on to do all those things except to pay the Improvement Dist bills cause I did everything else at the drive-thru.

I think it would be nice to have drive-thrus everywhere.

Real Women Cooking Tips

LADIES- If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."

REAL WOMEN- If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking, that's too
bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it
and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
------------------------------------------------------------

LADIES- Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You're probably sitting on the couch with your
feet up anyway.
------------------------------------------------------------

LADIES- To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.

REAL WOMEN- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
------------------------------------------------------------

LADIES- Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMEN- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares!
------------------------------------------------------------

LADIES- When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
inside of the cake.

REAL WOMEN- Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for
you.
------------------------------------------------------------

LADIES- Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMEN- Sara Lee frozen freakin' pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.
------------------------------------------------------------

LADIES- If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMEN- Go ask the very hot neighbor guy to do it.
------------------------------------------------------------

And finally the most important tip....
LADIES- Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.

REAL WOMEN- Leftover wine??
------------------------------------------------------------

This guy must have been a redneck.

AMERICAN VS. RUSSIAN WRESTLING

A Russian wrestler and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"So, the trainer exclaimed, "that is what finished him off!"

"Not exactly" he says, "You'd be amazed at what happens when you bite your own balls."

What ever happened to your favorite Disney character?

What Ever Happened to Your Favorite Disney Character?

MICKEY MOUSE: Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK: Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

PLUTO: Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY: Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE McDUCK: Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY AND LOUIE: Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

CHIP AND DALE: Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.

SNOW WHITE: Fell for the "apple trick" again.

DOPEY: 'nuff said.

SNEEZY: Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY: Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY: Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC: Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY: Never woke up.

BASHFUL: Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS: Shot down over Iraqui airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH: Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET: Gunned down in a mafia hit.

RABBIT: Died of an aneurism while watching over his garden.

EEYORE: Committed suicide.

TIGGER: Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

PETER PAN: Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL: Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

Subject: Wrong Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very
same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of
many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

Lazy Sunday

I've done very little of anything today. I didn't even wake up until almost 10! I went to bed kind of late last night and was feeling sorta stuffy so I decided to take some cough medicine/antihistimine that the doc had given Zach a few months back. Since the prescription was for 1 tsp. for him, I took 2. This was not good.

I was feeling a little queasy and pretty much like I'd had a shitload to drink when I went to bed but once I stretched out I went away to lala land pretty quick. Then the nightmares started.

I dreamed that I couldn't move anything on my left side. I thought I was awake and remember falling from the bed and crawling from Zach's room to where James and Zach were asleep in our bed. I guess I finally woke myself up during this mental struggle and was very relieved that everything was working. I rolled over and went back to sleep and damned if I didn't dream it again except this time I could move nothing but my head. When I finally woke myself from the second nightmare, I got my old drugged ass up and went into the living room and got on the couch.

This morning I looked up his prescription and the stuff had codiene in it. I'm allergic to codiene so it's no wonder the dream demons couldn't do their usual job!

I followed this little bloom link over at Wanda's

what's your inner flower?

[c] sugardew

Another bad un

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

Saturday

I woke up at 8 a.m. this morning with Zach staring nose to nose at me. I screamed and he ran. That's not such a good way to wake up a nearly 50 yr old fat lady but it did get my heart to pumping right smartly. I wonder if that's considered acceptable cardio exercise?

I made my way to the kitchen to throw some cereal and milk into a bowl for my alarm clock and when I'd just sat down to enjoy my first cup, in walked Jami with the girls. Since I was at the computer doing my sippin, I had to hurry up and finish up what I was doing in order to stand guard since the mobile little ladies act up very badly when their momma is around. MeriKate couldn't join them in their search and destroy mission today so I only had 2/3rds of the troops to curtail. Zach wasn't on his best behavior either and got ass spats twice before 10.

Then the visitors arrived.

While I was in the shower and preparing a sponge bath for MeriKate, Jami's friend Scarlett arrived (aka KaKa) with her 15 mon old son. Normally this would have meant an increase in security at the home front, but KaKa is really good about keeping up with her little one (accept for the one time when he tried to take out my glass storm door with a toy tractor), and she even helped a bit by riding herd over Zach and his sisters.

Georgie and Jessica from next door dropped by next.

Then Cindy, one of Jami's neighbors, with her 9 yr old son.

James called around 11 to ask me how I was enjoying a more peaceful day without the extra kids and I held up the phone a minute to let him hear all the wonderful peace then asked him how he thought I was enjoying it.

I heated up some chicken noodle soup for the troops at noon, let it boil over and smoked up the kitchen and living room. After that I decided it might be a good idea for Nanny to slip away for a short time, so I threw on some clothes, grabbed my purse and told Jami I needed to pick up a few groceries.

That hours peace was soooooooo sweet.

I arrived back home and cooked supper for three families and now they've all gone home and I'm so damned tired I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

So what fun things did everyone else do today??

Delightful News

The babe was able to come home for the weekend. She has to go back on Monday to have some more tests but hopefully they won't keep her. For now they're letting things heal on their own. She still can't open her right eye unless she takes her hand and opens it. If there's muscle damage they are pretty sure it can be fixed.

She's one happy little girl to be home!

Heh, Heh, Heh,

I like this, thanks friend for sending it my way.

I'm outnumbered!

Since yesterday morning I've been trying to think of a punishment to fit the crime. Zach and Krysten got my new bottle of cologne (little one thank goodness) and used it for air freshener while I was taking my bath. Sneaky little imps then hid it, like I wouldn't know something was up to walk into a room that suddenly smelled like a French whore house.

Friday Funny

A lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the
top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told
him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was, and how she came to
get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go
into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area
and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."

Thursday

Another long day. MeriKate had a little episode last night and they did an emergency MRI at around 11pm. I think they finally came to the conclusion around midnight that the morphine was the culpret and they had to discontinue the pain meds for awhile.

Today they moved up the surgery time to 11 a.m. so I was at the hospital before 10. They finally took her in at about 12:45, sedated her, did a pre-op exam and brought her back out. There was still too much swelling to do the surgery. One doctor mentioned that if the bones are aligned in the proper place there is a possibilty that they won't do surgery at all. I think we are all wishing they'd make up their minds as to what they're going to do. She's got a wonderful team of doctors but just from the short time I was there today, I could see that there are times when they come in and get their information about another team member's opinion from the parents instead of from the patient charts. I suppose they get together when it's important to do so because MeriKate looks and feels a whole lot better today than she did late Monday evening.

She is getting up and moving around some but so far the only thing they've gotten her to eat is ice cream and a banana.

I have Zach and both his sisters now, since last night. Alexis has been sick with her tummy again and it's just too much for Jerri to keep trying to help by taking care of another one. I have an appointment with a tax client in the morning so I'm taking both the girls to the office after Zach leaves for school. I imagine it'll be a trial but ya gotta do what you gotta do.

The sister-in-law was there today and she mentioned in passing that Jami is certainly straight forward in her opinions. I told her of course she was, I taught her well not to put up with too much idiotic bullshit. She just put this big-eyed innocent look on her face and that's all she had to say about that. (grin)


MeriKate with mommy and daddy in surgery holding.

Wed eve some more

You know, this kid thing is pretty tough business when you've gotten a bit older. I almost forgot to feed Abie her lunch today. Zach isn't going to let you forget to feed him, but Miss Abie is quiet and so busy with her toys that I just forgot about real food until after our naps. I usually don't remember to eat until my stomach begins to rumble loud enough to wake the dead when I'm at home alone. Poor baby is probably hoping her mommy gets home soon although I know she's not starving because of the grazing she does. I just feel guilty that I forgot about a healthy lunch until 1pm today.

After we had a late lunch, we went to town to go to the bank and restock the chocolate milk and snacks. I bought a bag of apples and some grapes so that perhaps she'll be swayed towards more healthy snacks. While we were waiting in the check-out line a little old man parked himself behind me. I honestly thought it was accidental when he bumped me in the hip the first time (although it was a bit painful), so I turned and sort of gave him a questioning smile. The second time he pushed hard enough that I started to step around to the side of my cart and he nabbed my heel with his cart. The old fart didn't get a smile that time and I reckon the snarl gave him pause about doing it again. I hope he didn't think I was being slow or something cause there was someone in front of me being checked out. Abie kept saying as I limped my way out to the truck, "Nanny gotta booboo"?

I guess the old guy was just trying to make his day more amusing.

Wed eve

They loaded our babe up with steroids to reduce the swelling so they'll be doing surgery tomorrow afternoon. I'll be leaving in the morning after I've gotten Zach to school and the little ones (I also have Krysten now too) to the sitter. MeriKate has proven over the past 3 days that she's one hell of a fighter so I'm thinking that this'll be a breeze for her.

I ain't believing this!

The closing bid on this was $65!


My ugly EX girls Glass Eyeball



This is got me to wondering what I might have that's worth $65.

Thank you

Wednesday, isn't it?

This morning it took Zach exactly 1 hour and 20 minutes to eat 2 bites of cereal, brush his teeth, and put on a pair of socks, a shirt, jeans, and shoes. Abie put her little tiny jeans on, her shoes, and then informed me that she was ready to take Zach to school. When I told her that Georgie was taking Zach to school, she went to the door and said, "I go with Georgie". I now have her sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons. She's pouting because she couldn't go with Georgie.

I need to move my old butt soon and pick up around here. It's amazing how much scattering one little, tiny, girl can do. She barely eats anything at meal time but steadily grazes all day and I swear she can consume half her 26 lb weight in chips, cookies, chocolate milk, honey buns, and hot dogs.

I'm waiting for a call from Jami to know for sure if they'll do surgery on MeriKate tomorrow. She called last night and said the plastic surgeon told her he was going to try to schedule it for then. I'll have to call a tax client and reschedule them for Friday and call Cheryl so she will be available to watch Abie tomorrow then I'll be all set to go to Little Rock to be there with Jami. I also need to go sometime today to get some money out of the bank. I don't even have a dollar in my purse after the trip to McDonalds on Monday.

I'll get motivated here soon. Maybe.

Long day

I am about as tired as one can get and still be breathing. But I could be one of those Zombie things and just not realize it.

Did you know that Zombie's aren't dead? Just possessed to the point that they're body parts and mind is like the dead.

P.S. Our Merikate was moved from ICU so now we await the word about surgery.

Clipped this from Special K

Furnulum pani nolo.
"I don't want a toaster."
Generally, things (like this quiz) tend to tick you
off. You have contemplated doing grievous
bodily harm to door-to-door salesmen.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Would someone please explain it to me? I think that demon also ate more than my dreams.

Ok, NOW I'm pissed

My daughter's wonderful sister-in-law couldn't wait to inform her this morning about a remark one of her co-workers had made. It seems the lady couldn't believe that Jami hadn't been arrested yet for child endangerment. This crime is defined as follows:

When a child's parent or custodian, by reason of cruelty, mental incapacity, immorality or depravity, is unfit to properly care for him or her, or neglects or refuses to provide necessary physical, affectional, medical, surgical or institutional care for him or her or is under such improper care or control as to endanger his or her morals or health.

Arkansas laws concerning ATVs require a minimum age of 12 for operation of the vehicle UNLESS there is supervision. There are no laws concerning passengers.

My daughter is guilty of bad judgment, distraction when trying to amuse 4 little ones, and of being a disorganized ding-bat. I guess they'll have to arrest me too cause I'm just as guilty, if not more, of the same crimes. Actually I don't believe jail would be more punishment than what she's going through right now.

This Nanny just fired off an email to above mentioned "sister-in-law" stating that if further remarks were necessary that they'd best be made to me and I'll gladly go to jail for assault in the matter if need be.

The phone rang this morning

and a little voice said, "Nanny, I wanna go home". I sure wish she could go home right now.



She's improving every minute.

Miss Abie

All cute after her bath.

Monday

Thank you so much for your prayers. You can't imagine how wonderful it is to know that so many people care. And I know your prayers are being answered!

MeriKate is definately going to have surgery some time this week if they can get some of the swelling in her face to go down. She's on a respirator as a precaution because of the fractures to her eye socket and some fractures to the sinus cavity and forehead. They are keeping her sedated because she's a fighter and she's already bitten through the respirator tube once and keeps escaping from her restraints. This child weighs about 32 lbs but she's as tough as they come. The doctor told my daughter today that her brain did take a pretty good bounce but there's no swelling, they know this because they're doing CT scans as they feel are necessary and they've done 3 already. They are worried about an infection setting in so are giving her a very strong antibiotic as a precaution. She's still in PICU and will remain there I'm sure until after the surgery and she's on the mend. The gashes on her face took three layers of stitches to close and they used 40 to close all of them so she's going to look like she's been in one hell of a fight for some time.

Jerri and I took Zach, Abie, and Krysten in early to see the doc this morning. They all checked out ok except for some strained and pulled muscles for Zach and the abraision on his head, and the bruise and scrape on Abie's chin and jaw. It was a pretty wild show since we also had Alexis, we had little ones running in every direction. We took them to McDonald's afterwards for being so good during their exams, then went shopping a few clothes that the girls needed because Jami forgot to leave me a key to get into her house. But I'm surprised she can remember her name, she's in pretty bad shape emotionally because she's blaming herself.

The kids all have medical insurance and since we've also got all kinds of insurance on the ATV, everything is covered. The people at Children's Hospital in Little Rock are fantastic and are taking excellent care of our MeriKate (Meri Katherine). Surprisingly, their icu is allowing her to have balloons and her stuffed animals so when she rouses from the sedation, she sees something other than a sterile setting. They are also allowing Jami and Keith to stay in there with her all the time.

Last night when Jami described the accident to me, I was so upset that I slept on the floor beside Zach and Abie's bed and couldn't wait for the doctor's office to open so I could get them checked over. God was certainly there yesterday.

I'm feeling torn with the need to be with Jami right now cause I know she needs me, but I also need to be here to take care of the others. Krysten is staying with Jerri but Abie won't stay with anyone but me or our neice Cheryl and Cheryl is in school. I am going to LR when she has the surgery though, Cheryl said she'd take a day off from school to keep Abie so that I can.

Jami called

last night and MeriKate was resting comfortably. They kept her in icu overnight and began discussing with Jami the suspected surgery that MeriKate will have to have this week.

EX-ATV Riders!!

They'll be exploring by foot from now on.


MeriKate is on the left here.


Our Zach and his sister Krysten(on the right in above photo) were brave babies. They walked a half mile to come get help. By the time they got here though, Zach was soaked and mud and blood covered and couldn't say a word, just shook, Krysten piped up to tell her PopPop and Daddy to go help her momma.

Sunday

Today hasn't been such a good day. It started out fine. We drove to Forrest City, picked up a futon I bought from my friend Tammy, then came back home to cook on the grill. Jami and Keith came with their other 3 (Zach was already here as usual), and Bubbie and Jerri came with Alexis. Even had an extra since one of Bubbie's friends dropped by.

Then things went down hill. Fast.

Jami was riding the kids around the yard on the 4 wheeler. For some reason, and I'm not sure what this is as yet, they drove it behind the house about a half mile away. As far as we can understand, she was backing up to turn around and got to close to a 25 ft. drainage ditch and the ground gave way and they went into the ditch backwards. All the way to the bottom.

MeriKate, the one who'll be 4 next month was hurt badly. They had to airlift her to Children's hospital in Little Rock with multiple fractures of her eye socket and a fracture on her forehead, and facial gashes. Zach has a scrape wound across the top of his head, and Abie has minor scrapes and bruises. Krysten, by God's grace, did not have a scratch. They at first thought Jami had fractured her elbow but now believe it to be bruised badly.

Jami called a few minutes ago to say they'd done 2 cat scans on Merikate and her eye appears to be ok except for the fractures. They're keeping her in icu tonight and will do more tests tomorrow.

I've got Abie here with Zach and Jerri has Krysten and although they appear to be ok since we got the mud and grass cleaned off so we could see their injuries, we're taking them in to see their doc tomorrow to get a check up. I'm going to sleep with both kids tonight so I can keep an eye on them throughout the night.

Ya'll say a little prayer for our MeriKate tonight please.

Piddling Saturday

I've been piddling around all day. I woke up around 7 and mumbled a mornin to the neighbor and my son who'd been here drinking coffee with hubby for who knows how long. After a few cups I was among the living again and started in on the laundry and checked in on a few blogs. Then off to town to buy food for the bunch that seems to appear around supper time on the weekends here. I also bought so stuff to throw on the grill tomorrow since it's supposed to be another nice, rain-free, day.

On Thursday we had a long talk with Zachary after discovering the money he'd been saving was dwindling. He finally helped us to understand that Jessie (the almost 10 yr. old little girl next door) has been selling him stuff and since Zach knows little about money, other than you need it to buy stuff and a dollar will buy more than a quarter, Miss Jessica has been racking up. She sold him the leftovers of her "oil" paint by number paints, a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle that came free in the mail, and a scooby do game boy game that was his in the first place. (He's also in trouble for the paint since he got some on the carpet in the playroom). Anyway, I threw away the paint and sent him back with the puzzle and instructions to come home with his money. Little Miss Con over there had charged him $8.00 for the goods and he recovered it and brought it home and put it back in his bank.

I'm sure glad his bank is one that is transparent or he'd still be going around happy with his purchases (except for the paint for which he may still have a stinging bottom over).

I'm sure these'll sell real fast

Daimler-Chrysler will market a giant S.U.V. called
Unimog in the United States. The Unimog is over
nine feet high and twenty feet long. The $84,000
truck will most likely be bought by fire departments,
construction companies, and men with very tiny
penises.

Too Old?

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear
to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you
would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my
wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then,
after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold
and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex
the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the
second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the
first time is usually around July and the second time is
usually in December."

Been over to dick's joint

And I'll have to agree. Spring has sprung and spring for us means playing dodge ball with those freaky tornados. I really hope he's got enough pull to keep the bad weather down his way.

You can see we're in line eventually for some of his weather up here. I live right above where the K is in the words Little Rock.

Tattoo Kid

These came in a box of Spiderman fruit snacks. I told him he needed to scrub them off in the tub last night. He told me that he wanted to leave them on cause Katelynn liked them. I asked him, "Zach, did you show Katelynn your chest in school"? He said, "Yeah but Nanaw, I didn't show her my titties". Was that supposed to make me feel better?

Dorothy's post brought back memories

I wish I could remember great come backs. I could have used a few last summer at the beach when this redneck Mississippian sat beside me in the lounge while I was waiting for a friend to join me for drinks.

His lines were so old they were dry-rotted. I finally told him that I didn't like having sand between my toes OR in my shoes and he dropped the "let's take a romantic walk on the beach" request.

It royally pisses me off that a lady can't sit alone and have a drink without having some "casanova wannabe" coming on to them.

I followed a link over at Wanda's.

Check out my Morality! 57% liberal, 43% conservative

Tuesday ending

Whew, another long day but another nice one temperature-wise. The high today was only 67F so these sweats and "hell-fire" flushes I've been feeling could possibly be something to do with the weather. The mood swings,,,I doubt I can blame on the outside thermometer.

I want to thank everyone for admiring my new background and other changes. Ya'll just don't know what a difficult task that was for me to figure out. I've surfed around viewing sources to try to figure out how to put an image in the background and things just didn't come together for me. I couldn't get the code in the right spot. Finally I resorted to my old back up, Microsoft Front Page, and tried to remember some of the stuff they taught me in that class I took a few years ago.
I'm ashamed to say that the html for dummies and html for children sites didn't help me one damn bit!

Duct tape unleashed

After reading Mary lou's blog today and her reference to our fine Arkansas quarter, I realized that it's been a pretty long time since I mentioned the merits of one of my favorite repair tools. Duct tape has a top spot in my home and office tool kit and I store it right beside a can of WD40 and that old high heel shoe that I use for a hammer when my other hammer has walked off again. You can also,,,

Patch ripped clothing.
Hide unsightly wallpaper seams.
Repair broken hoses
Repair broken fan belt.
Use as art medium.
Rappelling harness.
Taping annoying people to walls, floor, ceiling, or bed.
Use to pull out unsightly hair. Why bother with waxing...
Mute function for humans.
Contraceptive device.
Can be used in place of handcuffs. (see reference to hair removal)
Remove lint from clothes.
Hold on toupees.
Chastity belt.
Poor man's Viagra - two Popsicle sticks and duct tape.

The Chickie

The Chickie's mommy emailed me today with another vote request. She's entered one of the Chick's photos in a contest. Please vote for her in the top personality contest.

I had to share this

I read Ernie's House of Whoop Ass pretty often and get a sometimes daily thingy from the site.

Boy could I sympathize with this woman and admire her hero!

I am in my last week of student teaching. I'll be certified, soon, to teach in our public schools... but I found another reason yesterday that I don't wanna teach elementary school.

You see... there are four men in the school building, most school days. Me, an elderly math teacher, and two custodians.

Yesterday, during my lunch hour, I'm settin' up the next week's materials, surfing CNN, and bitterly cursing the District Computer Nazi, who feels that access to message boards and outside email sources should be blocked, right?

And a woman I barely recognize bursts into the classroom, jabbering and gibbering. I vaguely remembered her from the last faculty meeting; she was a teacher there. She knew ME, though, as my own last name was the only thing she was saying that made any sense. It seemed extremely important that I should go with her, though.

As we hustled through the empty halls -- all the children were at lunch -- I wondered what could be so screwy as to drive this poor woman into hysteria. Fire? Terrorists? Bomb threats?

Hmmph. Shooda known.

We arrive at her gaily decorated classroom. Sitting in the large open area towards the front... maybe fifteen feet away from where I stood in the hall... was a large cardboard carton marked XMAS.

The woman, whom I will call "Mrs. Tulip," became even more incoherent at this point, but pointed furiously at the box, and indicated that I should go and do something with or to the box.

I ambled into the room, glancing around for bombs or Alan Rickman with a machine gun, or something. Nothing was on fire. The box was open. I sidled up to it and glanced inside.

Ah. Christmas decorations. Atop it all were three large stuffed toys -- a bear, a penguin, and Santa.

And perched atop the bear's belly was a spider. A HUGE friggin' spider.

Dawn broke over marble head. Ah. THIS is the emergency. But... something didn't look quite right. The spider was posed rather oddly, legs bunched together, front and back, instead of legs spread around her, ready to leap or run. And... her abdomen. Spider that big should have a butt the size of my pinky tip... but... it looked... scooped out, somehow.

The spider had shed its exoskeleton in the process of getting bigger... and was, possibly, still in the box somewhere. Furthermore, the only non-tarantula spiders in this hemisphere that get THAT big are female. A female spider in a cardboard box in someone's shed or garage has only one reason for being there: it laid eggs. Spiders' eggs hatch between September and late November. It was now December. There were potentially hundreds of spiders in there.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of saying all this out loud.

Mrs. Tulip's reaction was kind of interesting. She wriggled, and writhed, and kind of looked like she wanted to turn herself inside out, right then and there. She jabbered some more, and indicated that I should do something about it.

"What do you want ME to do about it?" I said.

"Uggh," she replied. "Eeegh...yecch... you're a MAN," she gagged. "Do SOMETHING!"

I turned back to the box. Carefully, I fished Bear, Penguin and Santa out, one by one, and flicked them to the floor. They did not erupt in a seething mass of arachnoid horror. The dead molt fell to pieces with the impact. Mrs. Tulip wriggled and vibrated.

Beneath the stuffed toys was a mass of plastic pine needles. The rest of the box contained a disassembled artificial Christmas tree.

God only knew what might be hiding in there.

Mrs. Tulip sat and stared at me, chewing her nails. I looked at her. She looked at me. I sighed and turned back to the box. I COULD simply refuse to do it. It wasn't MY classroom, or my Christmas tree, or my problem. On the other hand, I'm still a student teacher, and I'm going to be DONE with this in a week. All I have to do to get my certification is not screw up or piss anyone off...

...and it occurred to me that as wacko as this woman was acting, there was no way she was setting foot in this room until all materials in this box had been examined for spiderlike presences... and, considering where my classroom was and where Mrs. Tulip's was, she had probably gone rampaging all over the school looking for custodians before finally remembering that I existed.

It was noon. The Custodians were across the street at Fatso's Barbecue, having lunch. They wouldn't be back any time soon. If I didn't do something, this woman was going to be standing in the hall gibbering when her children returned from lunch. And how would my evaluation go if I went on record as saying, "Hell with you, lady, this ain't my problem?"

Steeling myself, I fished one of the tree stand's legs out... and carefully picked out one of the branches. I whacked the branch a few times with the tree stand leg. Three dead crickets fell out of it.

I did it again with another branch. Nothing happened.

I did it again.

And again.

And again.

I noticed that about every third or fourth branch had a dead cricket or two in it. Each seventh branch seemed to have a LIVE cricket in it, which always evoked a horrified ejaculation from Mrs. Tulip, still in the hallway.

...and the eighteenth branch had a live SPIDER in it, a good-sized specimen, who came scuttling up the branch to rip my hand off. I flicked him off the branch with the tree stand leg and stomped on him. Mrs. Tulip immediately did this... amazing... thing... with her whole body... that would have done any contortionist proud, except that Mrs. Tulip did it out of sheer horror.

I was not happy. That spider was nowhere near big enough to be the one who'd left that molt on top. That was one of the kids.

The twenty-ninth branch had ANOTHER molt on it. An even bigger one. How long had that mama spider been IN this box? And was she still HERE?

I kept plucking branches out. More dead crickets. A few live ones. Jeez, there'd been a whole ecosystem going on in this woman's Christmas decorations...

And in time, I came to the bottom of the box. Well, almost. The only thing left was the top of the Christmas tree, a largish cone of stiff wire and fake plastic pine needles. There was no way in hell I was sticking my hands in THAT thing. I could beat it with the tree stand leg until the toads came home, and the entire Bolivian army could still be hiding in there.

Perhaps jostling it would provide some information. I carefully knocked the box over. The tree top rattled and rolled out.

And Mama Spider came out, erupting from between the branches like a little snake monster ripping through a spaceman's sternum in a horror movie.

Now, in truth, that spider wasn't THAT big. I've certainly seen tarantulas that were bigger. On the other hand, I've also seen tarantulas that were SMALLER, which gives you some clue as to how friggin' BIG this thing was. I raised a foot to step on it, and hesitated. Man, this thing was BIG! What if it... didn't... DIE? What if it grabbed my foot and threw me across the ROOM, or something?

And then, Mrs. Tulip screamed, a sound like a fire engine might make if it were giving birth to an SUV.

I leaped on the spider with both feet.

Mrs. Tulip had very good lungs, though, and continued. The same scream, too. She only screamed once, but it went on for a while. I heard the patter of feet, as people came running to investigate.

Many of them were children. Fourth graders, as I recall.

...and abruptly, Mrs. Tulip snapped. It was amazing. One second, she is in the grip of total pants-wetting hysteria, and the next, she's perfectly calm, and herding children around. It was like someone had found and pressed her RESET button, right there in front of ghod and everybody.

Teachers have to develop whole new instincts. We don't pay them enough. Particularly the ones who have to deal with giant bugs.

I casually cleaned up the two dead spiders and the scattering of cricket husks, and tossed 'em in the garbage. I then checked the tree top. It was clean. Not that anything alive would have willingly shared quarters with Mama, anyway. Upon erasing the remnants of madness, I strolled away back to my classroom. Mrs. Tulip smiled and gave me a nod, still herding her students, as I passed.

And I betcha my certification won't even have any mention of my heroism or my goin' the extra mile, here....



damn I hate spiders!!!

I shoulda known

First Monday I've had off since mid-January.

It rained.

My washer bit the dust and I've got to buy a new one.

Typical.

From Special K's spot

At least I'm a fruit that I like.


You are a Pineapple...the traditional symbol of
friendship, you embrace everyone as a
friend...you are loyal, kind and always there
for a friend in need...


What Kind of Fruit Are You?
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