Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Retirement Does Not Have To Be Boring!

Ernie Gutierrez retired last year. Recently, his wife received the following letter from Mr. Wally Jones, the manager of the local Walmart store:

Dear Mrs. Gutierrez

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. E. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.

Things Mr. E. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, ?Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

^ This guy is my new inspiration!

I remember a few weeks ago that one of my favorite bloggers (there are a bunch and I can't remember which one) wrote about pregnant ladies wanting to avoid having their babies on June, 6, 2006 (or 6606) due to the date being the numbers representing the sign of the beast, or satan, or something like that. Anyway, here's a helpful site for those who's babies couldn't, or wouldn't, wait.


Special K said...

Oh, suuuuure. "Mr Guteirrez" my ass.

Special K said...

P.S. Landover Baptist is one of my favourite sites. I piss myself laughing every time I visit.

Attila The Mom said...


That man needs to get laid.

Oops! Did I say that out loud?


Tammy said...

Wow...I think Uncle JC done broke loose in the Walmart disguised as E. Gueterez!!!!!!!!

Leslie said...

The missing toilet paper in the dressing room is one I've always wanted to try : )

Joe said...

Hey girl, i think I'll try the waiting room one at Walley World! LOL!

cassie-b said...

That's the best reason I've ever heard to retire. And try to look old. People will feel sorry for you.

I love the toilet paper story.

Sally said...

I hear voices in my head every time I go to W*lm*art, or maybe it's that guy whispering in my ear. Good one! :)

Attila The Mom said...

Well dang. I can't post a comment on your Paisley post!

You've been tagged!

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work » »