Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Tis the Moody Season
I'm sure trying to drag myself out of this funk but the closer it gets to the holidays the funkier I feel. More and more I let several days go by without leaving the house because the effort to do so is just so exhausting.
Holidays were always a big deal in my family when I was growing up and something to look forward to. I remember so many holiday meals at Grandma and Grandpa's house, surrounded by my mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I feel so sad when I think about how so many of the ones at those family holidays have passed away now and the ones of us who are left are so scattered that it's almost impossible to come together for much more than funerals now.
I've always felt that families should be together, if at all possible, for holidays and I struggled for a few years by trying to alternate the times spent with each of our families after I married. When I was pregnant with our youngest child, and couldn't go anywhere during the holidays because he was due any second, I started cooking the family dinners and my family would come to our house.
Now, for several years, there's been the problem with my husband and our oldest daughter and that makes me feel the loss of the holiday spirit even more. I keep feeling as though I should be able to fix things so that our family can all be together for the holidays but this stubborn, unforgiving, man just won't be fixed. Last year I made dinner here at home then Zach and I went to my son's where I could be with all of my kids who were together for the holidays.
I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm enraged cause dammit, Momma's can't fix everything even when we want to more than anything in the world.