Whats UP down South

THEATER ETIQUETTE
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Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

To be on the Safe Side,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.


Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of
finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
And not for the faint of heart!!

RING!
Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave..."

Is this the water department?

"Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...

"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"

I'll try and help..."Why are my nipples getting so hard?"

You're not really serious...

"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on
them!"

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

"Not only that, they're getting warped!"

I see..."They used to be soft, pink and round!"

I'm sure they were...

"Now they really look disgusting!"

I'm sure they do...

"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"

I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your
personal physician?

"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the
water!

"I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that"

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!

"Now I understand...

"Are you going to buy me new ones?

"Why would we do that?

"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been
sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck...

"May I ask how old your baby is?

"He's six, going on seven"

Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the
bottle...

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"

I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?

"Since he was born"

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the
water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and
warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...

"So! You are refusing to pay!

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might
just be plain worn out.

"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"

There is really nothing more I can do for you...

"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"

Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an
insurance claim...

"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?

"They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not..."

Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention
than you have?"

Just show them your nipples!!