Friday, February 28, 2003
MORE ON IDIOTS!
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
And then there's Alabama!!
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
And then there's Alabama!!
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.
I'm bright and perky this morning,,,,,well almost. I've already been to my friend Kat's blog and got my much needed laugh for the day. She sure does manage to trip a wire somewhere in my mind that brings back memories that I'd thought were long gone. My mother and grandmother HAD some of those damned molds! She is going to have to call Ditto by his first name though, cause even though I READ Ditto, I SEE Dildo...is this a sign of old age? A declining mentality? OR WORSE, a sign of Redneckdom?????
Last evening I climbed into my truck for that wearying drive home. It really takes little effort on my part because that truck just knows the way. I rarely remember actually going from one point to the next ( I'm sure there must be a warning in there somewhere for other drivers that I meet along the route) but sitting for 40 mins is tiring. After slopping through the soggy yard in the leftovers from the ice I walk into the house and there sits my soon to be 51 yr old hubby in the recliner, my 6 yr old grandson on the sofa, AND the cat. All whining and asking "what's for dinner"? That really pisses me OFF, but to avoid another round of "you haven't REALLY cooked in 5 years", I slam around pots and pans and finally throw together a decent meal that I'm too freaking tired to eat! The whole point of this grip is,,,,Where is it written that the Lady of the House is also the extra wage earner, cook, laundress, nurse, babysitter, sex slave (yeah right!), shit scrubber, litter box emptier, floor mopper, vaccum specialist, lawn mower, ect, ect, ect...????Please send me the answers soon, so I can finally accept the laws of the land and stop thinking thoughts of murder and mayhem!!!!
IN ARKANSAS:
How can you tell a Yankee driver in Arkansas? When THEY come up behind two friends parked in the street to talk, THEY won't get up on the sidewalk and go around like everyone else.
Last evening I climbed into my truck for that wearying drive home. It really takes little effort on my part because that truck just knows the way. I rarely remember actually going from one point to the next ( I'm sure there must be a warning in there somewhere for other drivers that I meet along the route) but sitting for 40 mins is tiring. After slopping through the soggy yard in the leftovers from the ice I walk into the house and there sits my soon to be 51 yr old hubby in the recliner, my 6 yr old grandson on the sofa, AND the cat. All whining and asking "what's for dinner"? That really pisses me OFF, but to avoid another round of "you haven't REALLY cooked in 5 years", I slam around pots and pans and finally throw together a decent meal that I'm too freaking tired to eat! The whole point of this grip is,,,,Where is it written that the Lady of the House is also the extra wage earner, cook, laundress, nurse, babysitter, sex slave (yeah right!), shit scrubber, litter box emptier, floor mopper, vaccum specialist, lawn mower, ect, ect, ect...????Please send me the answers soon, so I can finally accept the laws of the land and stop thinking thoughts of murder and mayhem!!!!
IN ARKANSAS:
How can you tell a Yankee driver in Arkansas? When THEY come up behind two friends parked in the street to talk, THEY won't get up on the sidewalk and go around like everyone else.
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Third time a charm??? *&%#(*& better be! I've tried 3 freakin times to post to this and keep losing my connection.
PS,,made it to work today finally!
We might not all be rocket scientists, but we may be higher up the evolutionary ladder than....
Idiot #1 - A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center: Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little two year old daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful there was not a need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to say that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that now she should bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Idiot #2 - A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed zone, it not only measured his speed using radar it also photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40.00 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.00. Several days later, he received another letter from the police dept. that contained a picture of handcuffs. He paid the $40.00.
PS,,made it to work today finally!
We might not all be rocket scientists, but we may be higher up the evolutionary ladder than....
Idiot #1 - A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center: Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little two year old daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful there was not a need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to say that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that now she should bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Idiot #2 - A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed zone, it not only measured his speed using radar it also photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40.00 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.00. Several days later, he received another letter from the police dept. that contained a picture of handcuffs. He paid the $40.00.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
I awoke to SNOW and ICE this morning therefore, I did not even attempt to make it to work. I drive a Ford Pickup with an extended cab and the rearend tends to enjoy kissing the frontend whilst on a bit of ice. Sooooo,,,I was lazy and slept until 6:30 this morning and was having a lovely, lazy, day until I decided to remove the cat's litter to the great outdoors. I had a fight with the back door while trying to NOT empty the litter on my deck and ended up with it smacking me on the side of my head. Now I'm sporting a bruised cheek, a nearly black eye, and a tiny cut on my nose that bled like a stuck hog! Maybe I should have navigated the snowy, icy byways to work?
FOREIGN REDNECKS DO EXIST!!!
Dave & Johnno
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in an old lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said: "Nice going Davo!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
FOREIGN REDNECKS DO EXIST!!!
Dave & Johnno
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in an old lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said: "Nice going Davo!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
Monday, February 24, 2003
I ain't about to fuss about the rest of MY day,,,,,,,,,,
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ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses.
Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.
"She started screaming `He's back! He's back!' and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Willams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.
Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him.
"I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me," the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
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ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses.
Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.
"She started screaming `He's back! He's back!' and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Willams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.
Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him.
"I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me," the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
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I've been mightily amused by reading my friend Kat's blog today as well as the antics of her friend's Carl and Leslie. Life is good!!!
AhhhhChooo,,, I'm back!! Having seen the sun for a total of 3 minutes yesterday and for approximately 10 today, I now hear the weatherman is spouting off about snow and sleet and stuff after midnight tonight, AND the clouds are steadily rolling in. I was awakened this morning (under much protest mind you) at 5 a.m. After sitting in my green wing chair with feet up on ottoman (yes that damned ottoman!) and having my coffee, stared at the wall for about 30 minutes, I finally started the process of getting dressed. Now I read my friend Katrina's rendition of the tortures of underwear and her friend Carl's on his boxers, and I feel for them, I really do! I am also among those who think that underwear is some sicko's way of torturing mankind! So I do every little routine thing about getting dressed that I can do in the nude before donning the horrid undies (and this is NOT a pretty sight!!). I was dressed at last by 6:45 where upon I wake my cranky little grandson who is also not a morning person. We go through the ritual of food, juice, washing of face, brushing of teeth, socks, jeans, shirt and finally I have him dressed and it's time to take him to school and myself to the office. That north wind was cold and blowing quite stiffly when we bounced out the door and I wade through that bog again to my truck just to discover that I'd left my keys on the table. BUT,,,,the sun was shining!!!
Saturday, February 22, 2003
Welcome to Arkansas
Many, many years ago,
When I was 23
I got married to a widow
Pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red
My father fell in love with her
And soon the two were wed
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life
Now my daughter was my mother
For she was my fathers wife
To complicate the matters worse
Although it brought me joy
I soon became a father
Of a bouncing baby boy
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle
Though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle
Then that also made him brother
To the widows grown up daughter
Who, of course was my stepmother
Fathers wife then had a son
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson
For he was my daughters son
My wife is now my mothers mother
And it makes me blue
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother
Then I am her grandchild
And everytime I think of it
It simply drives me wild
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw
As the husband of my granmother
I am my own Grandpa!
----Unknown
Many, many years ago,
When I was 23
I got married to a widow
Pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red
My father fell in love with her
And soon the two were wed
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life
Now my daughter was my mother
For she was my fathers wife
To complicate the matters worse
Although it brought me joy
I soon became a father
Of a bouncing baby boy
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle
Though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle
Then that also made him brother
To the widows grown up daughter
Who, of course was my stepmother
Fathers wife then had a son
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson
For he was my daughters son
My wife is now my mothers mother
And it makes me blue
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother
Then I am her grandchild
And everytime I think of it
It simply drives me wild
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw
As the husband of my granmother
I am my own Grandpa!
----Unknown
I've had ENUFF!!!
I can't remember the last time I saw the sun for more than a few minutes so maybe this puke green color will somehow send up a SIGN that will lend encouragement to THOSE/HE who have/has control over such things to send down some rays over this poor drenched, soggy, sloppy, east- central part of my great State (which is Arkansas by the way!) On the way to work this morning, I crossed 2 streams, and 2 gullies which were not on the same route home last night. I also waded murkish, water bogged sod that squished almost up to the tops of my Dexters on my way across the front yard to my truck this morning. And did I mention that I did all of this just to come to work on a Saturday morning????
I can't remember the last time I saw the sun for more than a few minutes so maybe this puke green color will somehow send up a SIGN that will lend encouragement to THOSE/HE who have/has control over such things to send down some rays over this poor drenched, soggy, sloppy, east- central part of my great State (which is Arkansas by the way!) On the way to work this morning, I crossed 2 streams, and 2 gullies which were not on the same route home last night. I also waded murkish, water bogged sod that squished almost up to the tops of my Dexters on my way across the front yard to my truck this morning. And did I mention that I did all of this just to come to work on a Saturday morning????
Friday, February 21, 2003
Things a True Southerner Knows
<> The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit
<> Pretty much how many fish make up a mess
<> What general direction cattywumpus is
<> That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar
<> When "by and by" is
<> How to handle their "pot likker"
<> The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad
<> The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece"
<> The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash
<> Never to go snipe hunting twice
<> Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn
<> You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows
<> You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody
<> The South is more American than America
for more on True Southern Culture go by and take a gander at G.R.I.T.S. (Girls Raised In the South). I reckon you'll be right amused.
<> The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit
<> Pretty much how many fish make up a mess
<> What general direction cattywumpus is
<> That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar
<> When "by and by" is
<> How to handle their "pot likker"
<> The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad
<> The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece"
<> The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash
<> Never to go snipe hunting twice
<> Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn
<> You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows
<> You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody
<> The South is more American than America
for more on True Southern Culture go by and take a gander at G.R.I.T.S. (Girls Raised In the South). I reckon you'll be right amused.
Arkansas Redneck Humor
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and
left his entire
estate
in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
**********************************************************************
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
**********************************************************************
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911
operator told
Bubba
that she would send someone out right away. "Where do
you live?" asked
the
operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus
Drive." The
operator
asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long
pause and finally
Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak
Street and you pick
her
up there?"
**********************************************************************
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say
"I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the
front desk says "go
ahead".
**********************************************************************
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his
pickup truck.
**********************************************************************
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas
to
32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools!
**********************************************************************
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
**********************************************************************
What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
**********************************************************************
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on
I-40. He says to
the
driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
**********************************************************************
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State
Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
**********************************************************************
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
**********************************************************************
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little
Rock, Arkansas
burned
down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer
park.
**********************************************************************
A new law recently passed in Arkansas:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother
and sister.
**********************************************************************
Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a
street toward each
other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet,
one says, "Hey
Tommy
Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how
many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses
right and I'll give
you
both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
**********************************************************************
What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas,
and a hurricane in
Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
**********************************************************************
An Arkansan came home and found his house on fire,
rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Arkansan say, don't you still have those big red
trucks?"
**********************************************************************
Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in
groups of 18 or
more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
**********************************************************************
What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the
same room?
A full set of teeth.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and
left his entire
estate
in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
**********************************************************************
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
**********************************************************************
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911
operator told
Bubba
that she would send someone out right away. "Where do
you live?" asked
the
operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus
Drive." The
operator
asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long
pause and finally
Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak
Street and you pick
her
up there?"
**********************************************************************
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say
"I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the
front desk says "go
ahead".
**********************************************************************
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his
pickup truck.
**********************************************************************
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas
to
32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools!
**********************************************************************
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
**********************************************************************
What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
**********************************************************************
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on
I-40. He says to
the
driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
**********************************************************************
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State
Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
**********************************************************************
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
**********************************************************************
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little
Rock, Arkansas
burned
down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer
park.
**********************************************************************
A new law recently passed in Arkansas:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother
and sister.
**********************************************************************
Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a
street toward each
other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet,
one says, "Hey
Tommy
Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how
many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses
right and I'll give
you
both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
**********************************************************************
What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas,
and a hurricane in
Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
**********************************************************************
An Arkansan came home and found his house on fire,
rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Arkansan say, don't you still have those big red
trucks?"
**********************************************************************
Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in
groups of 18 or
more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
**********************************************************************
What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the
same room?
A full set of teeth.
Whew,,,it's been a few days since I've had time to pop in here. All these people wanting their tax returns prepared,,,I just don't understand it, they should realize that I need a break to come here sometimes! All work and no play makes this old gal cranky.
I haven't seen the sunshine in several days, that also makes me cranky! I think I'd be able to handle these rednecks much better if I had a little sun on the subjects occasionally. Don't get me wrong, I probably meet most of the qualifications for redneckdom BUT,,,if I may say so, I am a redneck with a touch of culture...for one thing, I don't normally have a bunch of dogs under my front porch (or I won't have when that big "A" I'm married to finishes BUILDING the damned front porch.
Come ON you folks who live in the warm sunny spots of the world,,,share some with me!!!!
I haven't seen the sunshine in several days, that also makes me cranky! I think I'd be able to handle these rednecks much better if I had a little sun on the subjects occasionally. Don't get me wrong, I probably meet most of the qualifications for redneckdom BUT,,,if I may say so, I am a redneck with a touch of culture...for one thing, I don't normally have a bunch of dogs under my front porch (or I won't have when that big "A" I'm married to finishes BUILDING the damned front porch.
Come ON you folks who live in the warm sunny spots of the world,,,share some with me!!!!
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Decided a change was due,,,, I think a brownish color would look nice for a few days so I decided to try a different template to see how it would look. I'll go to something more "Springy" later on when that urge hits me. Kat dear, if you are reading this, I clicked on Rusks blog link and went to some bible site? VERY Strange!!!! Think someone is trying to tell me something?
I dedicate this page to my sweet, innocent friend Katrina who lives in Canada
where they've never had an opportunity to be exposed to life such as it is down in
these here parts!!! For a sure way to add a smile to your day, go to her blog and let
the grins begin.
where they've never had an opportunity to be exposed to life such as it is down in
these here parts!!! For a sure way to add a smile to your day, go to her blog and let
the grins begin.
You're Probably a Redneck If...
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom
was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
+160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
+161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
+162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
+163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
+164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
+165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
+166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
+167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
+168. You bring your dog to work with you.
XXX. You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD "You Might Be A Redneck"
(or this posting) ;-)
WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU....
YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...
Ya'll don't laugh people,,,I live with this shit every DAY!!!!!
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom
was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
+160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
+161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
+162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
+163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
+164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
+165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
+166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
+167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
+168. You bring your dog to work with you.
XXX. You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD "You Might Be A Redneck"
(or this posting) ;-)
WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU....
YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...
Ya'll don't laugh people,,,I live with this shit every DAY!!!!!
Friday, February 14, 2003
Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!
> Subject: redneck valentine
> >
> >
> > A redneck valentine.
> >
> > collards is green,
> > my dog's name is blue
> > and I'm so lucky
> > to have a sweet thang like you.
> >
> > yore hair is like cornsilk
> > a-flapping in the breeze.
> > softer than blue's
> > and without all them fleas.
> >
> > you move like the bass,
> > which excite me in may.
> > you ain't got no scales
> > but I luv you anyway.
> >
> > yo're as satisfy'n as okry
> > jist a-fry'n in the pan.
> > yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
> > right out of the can.
> >
> > you have some'a yore teeth,
> > for which I am proud;
> > I hold my head high
> > when we're in a crowd:
> >
> > on special occasions
> > when you shave under yore arms,
> > well, I'm in hawg heaven,
> > and awed by yore charms.
> >
> > still them fellers at work
> > they all want to know
> > what I did to deserve
> > such a prudy, young doe.
> >
> > like a good roll of duct tape
> > yo're there fer yore man,
> > to patch up life's troubles
> > and fix what you can.
> >
> > yo're as cute as a junebug
> > a-buzzin' overhead.
> > you ain't mean like those far ants
> > I found in my bed.
> >
> > cut from the best cloth
> > like a plaid flannel shirt,
> > you spark up my life more
> > than a fresh load of dirt.
> >
> > when you hold me real tight
> > like a padded gunrack,
> > my life is complete;
> > ain't nuttin' I lack.
> >
> > yore complexion, it's perfection,
> > like the best vinyl siding;
> > despite all the years,
> > yore age, it keeps hiding;
> >
> > me 'n' you's like a moon pie
> > with a rc cold drink,
> > we go together
> > like skunk goes with stank.
> >
> > some men, they buy chocolate
> > for valentine's day;
> > they git it a wal-mart,
> > it's romantic that way.
> >
> > some men git roses
> > on that special day
> > from the cooler at kroger.
> > that's impressive," I say.
> >
> > some men buy fine diamonds
> > from a flea market booth.
> > "diamonds are forever,"
> > they explain, suave and couth.
> >
> > but for this man, honey,
> > these just won't do
> > cause yo're too special,
> > you sweet thang you.
> >
> > I got you a gift,
> > without taste nor odor,
> > more useful than diamonds...
> > it's a new troll'n motor!!
> Subject: redneck valentine
> >
> >
> > A redneck valentine.
> >
> > collards is green,
> > my dog's name is blue
> > and I'm so lucky
> > to have a sweet thang like you.
> >
> > yore hair is like cornsilk
> > a-flapping in the breeze.
> > softer than blue's
> > and without all them fleas.
> >
> > you move like the bass,
> > which excite me in may.
> > you ain't got no scales
> > but I luv you anyway.
> >
> > yo're as satisfy'n as okry
> > jist a-fry'n in the pan.
> > yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
> > right out of the can.
> >
> > you have some'a yore teeth,
> > for which I am proud;
> > I hold my head high
> > when we're in a crowd:
> >
> > on special occasions
> > when you shave under yore arms,
> > well, I'm in hawg heaven,
> > and awed by yore charms.
> >
> > still them fellers at work
> > they all want to know
> > what I did to deserve
> > such a prudy, young doe.
> >
> > like a good roll of duct tape
> > yo're there fer yore man,
> > to patch up life's troubles
> > and fix what you can.
> >
> > yo're as cute as a junebug
> > a-buzzin' overhead.
> > you ain't mean like those far ants
> > I found in my bed.
> >
> > cut from the best cloth
> > like a plaid flannel shirt,
> > you spark up my life more
> > than a fresh load of dirt.
> >
> > when you hold me real tight
> > like a padded gunrack,
> > my life is complete;
> > ain't nuttin' I lack.
> >
> > yore complexion, it's perfection,
> > like the best vinyl siding;
> > despite all the years,
> > yore age, it keeps hiding;
> >
> > me 'n' you's like a moon pie
> > with a rc cold drink,
> > we go together
> > like skunk goes with stank.
> >
> > some men, they buy chocolate
> > for valentine's day;
> > they git it a wal-mart,
> > it's romantic that way.
> >
> > some men git roses
> > on that special day
> > from the cooler at kroger.
> > that's impressive," I say.
> >
> > some men buy fine diamonds
> > from a flea market booth.
> > "diamonds are forever,"
> > they explain, suave and couth.
> >
> > but for this man, honey,
> > these just won't do
> > cause yo're too special,
> > you sweet thang you.
> >
> > I got you a gift,
> > without taste nor odor,
> > more useful than diamonds...
> > it's a new troll'n motor!!
Other Tips of Importance!!
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
To be on the Safe Side,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of
finger foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
And not for the faint of heart!!
RING!
Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave..."
Is this the water department?
"Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...
"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"
I'll try and help..."Why are my nipples getting so hard?"
You're not really serious...
"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on
them!"
Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...
"Not only that, they're getting warped!"
I see..."They used to be soft, pink and round!"
I'm sure they were...
"Now they really look disgusting!"
I'm sure they do...
"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"
I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your
personal physician?
"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the
water!
"I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?
"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that"
Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?
"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!
"Now I understand...
"Are you going to buy me new ones?
"Why would we do that?
"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been
sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck...
"May I ask how old your baby is?
"He's six, going on seven"
Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the
bottle...
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"
I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?
"Since he was born"
Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the
water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and
warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...
"So! You are refusing to pay!
Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might
just be plain worn out.
"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"
There is really nothing more I can do for you...
"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"
Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an
insurance claim...
"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?
"They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not..."
Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention
than you have?"
Just show them your nipples!!
-----------------
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
To be on the Safe Side,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of
finger foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
And not for the faint of heart!!
RING!
Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave..."
Is this the water department?
"Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...
"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"
I'll try and help..."Why are my nipples getting so hard?"
You're not really serious...
"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on
them!"
Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...
"Not only that, they're getting warped!"
I see..."They used to be soft, pink and round!"
I'm sure they were...
"Now they really look disgusting!"
I'm sure they do...
"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"
I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your
personal physician?
"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the
water!
"I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?
"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that"
Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?
"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!
"Now I understand...
"Are you going to buy me new ones?
"Why would we do that?
"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been
sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck...
"May I ask how old your baby is?
"He's six, going on seven"
Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the
bottle...
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"
I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?
"Since he was born"
Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the
water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and
warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...
"So! You are refusing to pay!
Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might
just be plain worn out.
"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"
There is really nothing more I can do for you...
"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"
Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an
insurance claim...
"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?
"They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not..."
Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention
than you have?"
Just show them your nipples!!
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