The past few weeks haven't been very good ones for me and I've been wallowing around in my own little pity pit while trying my very best to see the good that can come from change.
I don't do change well. At all.
My son and Jerri are going to eventually move about 130 or so miles (or more) away and they're taking the chicklets with them. When this happens, 4 of our 8 babies will not be nearby and it's breaking my heart. It's already tough enough that Trish, Jaylen, and Jordan are a 2 hour drive away which isn't so much, but with the price of gas as it is and the hectic schedules, (theirs and ours), it might as well be. The only good thing I see in their move is the opportunity to own their own place some day but that doesn't keep the selfish part of me from wanting to keep them close. It also doesn't help that Bubbie is my baby. Doesn't matter that he's 6'3 and over 250lbs, he'll always be my baby.
I'm also worried about Jami and Trish. The conflict between Trish and her father is no closer to resolution now than it ever was and I don't feel that either of them will give up or give in to make things right between them. This grieves me greatly.
Jami is in a terrible marriage, her second, and needs to grow up and take better care of her children and home. She lacks confidence and self-respect and I don't know how to help her to do this but I think these things are what she needs to begin to see that she gets herself into these miserable situations.
I don't know how other mother's feel but when my children aren't happy, or if they've done something stupid, or wrong, I feel so damned guilty. I wonder what I did while raising them that was so bad that it's made things turn out the way they do. I pushed the girls to excel in school because I know from experience how it feels to be beholden to someone for the food on your table, and although I was able to finish just enough of my education to be able to be, at one point, nearly equal in the earnings department, those feelings of dependency aren't easy to put aside, ever.
I expected Bubbie to do well in school too but I made things too easy for him sometimes,,doing term papers instead of making him do them himself, paying for things that he should have been responsible for himself,,,I did this too many times with all of them. Maybe I just pushed them all too hard. I've never felt that I didn't give them enough materially because I still believe the day will come that they'll remember the times I was there for them but won't remember the things we bought.
Anyway, more change is coming, like it or not, so I guess it's time to cut the apron strings, zip up the pocketbook and keep tormenting myself silly.