Sunday, June 04, 2006

Down and defeated

The past few weeks haven't been very good ones for me and I've been wallowing around in my own little pity pit while trying my very best to see the good that can come from change.

I don't do change well. At all.

My son and Jerri are going to eventually move about 130 or so miles (or more) away and they're taking the chicklets with them. When this happens, 4 of our 8 babies will not be nearby and it's breaking my heart. It's already tough enough that Trish, Jaylen, and Jordan are a 2 hour drive away which isn't so much, but with the price of gas as it is and the hectic schedules, (theirs and ours), it might as well be. The only good thing I see in their move is the opportunity to own their own place some day but that doesn't keep the selfish part of me from wanting to keep them close. It also doesn't help that Bubbie is my baby. Doesn't matter that he's 6'3 and over 250lbs, he'll always be my baby.

I'm also worried about Jami and Trish. The conflict between Trish and her father is no closer to resolution now than it ever was and I don't feel that either of them will give up or give in to make things right between them. This grieves me greatly.

Jami is in a terrible marriage, her second, and needs to grow up and take better care of her children and home. She lacks confidence and self-respect and I don't know how to help her to do this but I think these things are what she needs to begin to see that she gets herself into these miserable situations.

I don't know how other mother's feel but when my children aren't happy, or if they've done something stupid, or wrong, I feel so damned guilty. I wonder what I did while raising them that was so bad that it's made things turn out the way they do. I pushed the girls to excel in school because I know from experience how it feels to be beholden to someone for the food on your table, and although I was able to finish just enough of my education to be able to be, at one point, nearly equal in the earnings department, those feelings of dependency aren't easy to put aside, ever.

I expected Bubbie to do well in school too but I made things too easy for him sometimes,,doing term papers instead of making him do them himself, paying for things that he should have been responsible for himself,,,I did this too many times with all of them. Maybe I just pushed them all too hard. I've never felt that I didn't give them enough materially because I still believe the day will come that they'll remember the times I was there for them but won't remember the things we bought.

Anyway, more change is coming, like it or not, so I guess it's time to cut the apron strings, zip up the pocketbook and keep tormenting myself silly.


Phyllis said...

Oh, bless your heart! I'm so sorry about the move! I know how much family means to you and the chicklets. I hope you are able to see them often. Maybe you can meet half way and take the chicklets for a weekend now and then.

Cal said...

That's tough, Brenda. I hope as Phyllis writes you can get something like that sorted out.

Virginia Gal said...

Change is hard, I'm not good with it either. But I think God helps us to adjust and all change is done through His will.

I think all mothers suffer from thinking they were not good enough or some such thing. In 95% of the cases this is totally false - you did the best you could, you loved them and took care of them, you still take care of them. I think you rock and I'm sure you're children do as well! We kids don't say it enough but all of us appreciate our moms beyond what any words could convey.

Bluejean Baby said...

I agree with Virginia Gal; we moms have always done the best we could at the time. What we have to remember is that each of our kids is their own person, with their own experiences. And with that, they will make their own choices, sometimes regardless of what their mamas have taught them.
We just have to love them anyway.
And 130 miles away seems like forever away, but it's a lot better than 1300!

Mary Lou said...

I soooo feel your pain. I dont have any hatchlings to worry about, but I want both of my kids right here close by, and they dont want to be. Well Tim would right now, but he has no choice in the matter. He will be in Prison for 3 years or so. DOnna has moved closer, but it still takes 1 1/2 hours to get to her.

Why are they planning a move? I thought Bubba's job was real close to you...

Maybe YOU can move then you would still have 4 of your 8 babies away from you.

I wish I could Help, but as you know I am going through "guilt" of my own.

Sally said...

Left a comment earlier, but Halo ate it I guess.

Wish I had the right words, or any words, that would help you Ms. Brenda. I think we all do the best we can in raising our kids (well, most people do I would hope). And, then when they don't make the decisions we'd like them to or somehow steer away from the paths we *think* we've lead them toward, it's natural that we hurt. Especially when their lives could be easier. But that's the way it is with all of us. None of us always make the *right* decisions. You've done a fantastic job in raising your kids, you are a very dedicated grandmother; please don't beat yourself up over decisions they make that are totally out of your control. I send you hope for feeling better about things. I picked up quite a while back on the James and Trish upset, but I really thought it was more him than her.

Take care, and try not worry so much. Your kids are gonna always need you and love you! But, yep, as you say about zipping the wallet, I've had to do that myself, and my brother as well. There comes a point in time they have to fly solo in order to appreciate what they've had in the past.

Special K said...

I hope you're listening to the Mommas in here, you.


jerri said...

I am glad to see nanaw has support here..I know she is upset about us moving and needs that boost of confidence from you all. James has been wanting to move since I met him but I wasn't I have kids and I have to get them out of Phillips County so that they will have a future. No amount of education can get you anywhere here. James is transferring to another prision so his job will remain the same. Me well LOL I will still just be raising babies I suppose.

Brenda said...

No comment.

Hoot Nannie said...

Oh Brenda, I know this is tearing you apart. You are so close to those kids and enjoy Jerri so much as well as having your "baby" close. Hopefully it won't be as bad as you think and maybe you will get to go visit often and it will be a break for you. You so deserve it. You are a great mom and much as we would like to, we just aren't going to raise "perfect" children and there-in lies the problem. Hope you are feeling some better by now.