Friday, September 08, 2006

Brain cells a'firin

Thoughts keep flittering in and out of my mind like fireflies doing their mating dance, then all of a sudden there's a sizzling sound similar to the noise you'd hear from pee splashing on an electric fence. Minus the screams of course.

Doc Bell has assured me, on more than one occasion, that this sense of being at odds with myself is normal for a woman of my age and most of the time I believe he knows what he's talking about. But then I start ta thinkin, he has no ovaries, has never suffered a minute of PMS,,,,how does he know what's normal? I'm sure he read it somewhere but he can't, for one danged minute, know for sure if these violent thoughts I've been having about the laundry are normal.

Even the commercials have been getting on my nerves lately. Have ya'll seen the ALWAYS one about "Have a Happy Period"? The "Clean feels good. That's why there's new Always Clean. Same great protection you get from Always Ultra now comes neatly attached to an individually wrapped feminine wipe. It helps to restore that shower clean feeling with every change. Always Clean" one? Who makes up this crap? The only Happy period I've ever had was the period of time I've had since the hysterectomy in 1999. And even that moment of happiness was almost ruined when a nurse came into my hospital room to "teach me about breast feeding". I think I scared her a bit when I growled at her.

Then there's that disgusting commercial that Burger King ran for so long, the "Big Buckin' Chicken" one, ya'll remember that doncha? Sure turned me right off of eatin anything with feathers from Burger King. That crazy chicken looked like IT might be having a happy period alright. Hey,,,maybe they should combine those two commercials, ALWAYS and Burger King might sell more wings!

Just so you'll know that this week hasn't been a complete waste of time for me, I've got a few new words for you.

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

4. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,a serious bummer.

6. Glibido: All talk and no action.

7. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

8. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


Cindra said...

I wish they would leave all personal hygiene and sexual malfunction commercials off of tv.... ewwwwww!
Love the words... adding them to my dictionary as we speak...
Arachnoleptic fit - too funny. My son hates spiders... he will relate to this.

Summer said...

What does your doc mean by this being normal for a woman of your age? Is there an age that is ok for us women to say "You are annoying the crap out of me including you doc?"

jazzi said...

I have to tuck those words in my brain somewhere. In hopes that I'll be able to find them again, of course. That's been iffy, lately.
I have to say that I have always had some skepticism about a male doctor telling me that how I feel is normal.

JBlue said...

That is one hilarious post!

Hey, what's up with the laxative commercials during dinner?

My oldest son is an arachnoleptic! But then, it was a grandaddy longlegs that taught him to River Dance....

Reintarnation! You're killing me!

mreddie said...

Massive chuckles about the electric fence thing - mental picture and all. :) New words are good too. ec

cultureshock553 said...

My FEMALE OB-GYN told me I wasn't at "that stage" of life because the symptoms don't include trouble "getting to sleep." Never mind the mood swings, night sweats, crying fits, etc. We sometimes need to pay more attention to our gut and less attention to our doctors. Hang in there, everybody!

Sally said...

I have always wondered how male doctors think they know! I mean, how many men have babies? And, yep I hate those commercials; in fact, I hate all commercials! :)

Your words are funny - I'm part of #4, I never get jokes, NEVER!!!

Joan said...

Brenda, yes I would agree with about male doc's. It's really hard to get a female doctor in our area, because all they are all taken up!!

You just given me a reason to post a very important message to all women pre and post menapausal to have pap smears taken every year.

If my female doctor, in 1984 would not have picked up my bad pap smear, I would be dead by now.

I owe her my life.

I have noticed lately, that they are encouraging young people to get pap tests. When I was younger, it was a yearly test my doctor insisted upon.

I will blog my experience tomorrow on my site. But in today's world, I would suggest everyone get a pap test.

Phyllis said...

Well I have a female Gyno and she's about as flaky as a dandruff commercial! But at least she gets the job done without my feeling so violated and motified.

You crack me up!!

Phyllis said...

oh. that didn't sound right! oh never mind!! hahahahahahahaha

Leslie said...

The only company who could get a way with doing a commercial for a Happy Period would be Hershey's ... or maybe Smith & Wesson.