Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Sometimes I love my email!

A friend sent this to my email today, and although a delightful surgical procedure has exempted me from having to make this sort of purchase now, I can FEEL the agony put forth in this wonderful letter.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER BRANDMANAGER AT PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads forover 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core (tm) orDri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the onlycompany smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have youever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Eversuffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly withknife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from " Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend, Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize thatAmerica is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful Iwanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a HappyPeriod." Are you f ______ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending BS. And that's a promise I will keep - Always.

Best Regards,
Wendi AaronsAustin , TX

3 comments:

Kathleen Marie said...

Oh my...I am still laughing. Men just don't think?!

"Early Bird" said...

Men have nnnnnnnoooo idea!
Loved the message!!

Andie Pandie said...

I've totally wanted to march in some place with a shotgun. Not to off myself mind you. ;)