Breathless

Yesterday as I was filling out the sign-in stuff for Zach's appointment with the doc, I was overwhelmed with this most horrible fart cloud. I looked down at Zach, who was standing beside me, and he shrugged his shoulders to let me know that he wasn't responsible (this time). There was only one other person around, another patient, waiting her turn at the sign-in sheet, so I had strong suspicions that she was the responsible fart perpetrator. The last few lines of that form were probably unreadable as I hurriedly scratched out information with breath held and watering eyes. Zach and I then made our way to the far side of the room to sit and wait.

My luck tends to run in the wrong direction so it didn't surprise me to the extreme when "fart" lady comes and sits in our area. After about 5 minutes she cuts loose another gassy cloud whilst discussing the cut on her foot as her reason for being there. I couldn't help but think she needed to have the doc check out the swampy gas problems that were occurring.

I'm happy to say that we were able to escape to the exam room shortly thereafter thus avoiding a fainting fit on my part from trying to hold my breath for an extended period.

I'm behind on reading my favorite blogs.

But I promise to catch up tomorrow! I have a free day (I hope) to myself.

If these are really true the school system needs to educate parents!

Student Absentee Excuses

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real
notes written from parents in a school district who's name I will not mention (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He w as hurt
in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it
was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yester day. He had a cold and could
not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't
the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.

Now I wait for the date

I just got a call from our Soony in Holland and it appears that I'll be making the promised trip to attend her wedding in the fall. She's thinking maybe some time in October so I may not be able to attend the Blues Fest this year.

I hope the airlines start having some price wars before then!

I know for sure I'm losing it

Last night, in my excitement over having control of the remote for a few seconds, I was pushing the buttons and nothing was happening. I was about to get plumb flustered until it finally sunk in that I had the phone in my hand and not the remote.

How stupid do you think I felt?

Sitting on Sunday's list

I got NOT one thing on the list done yesterday. Now I'm off to take Zach to see the doc cause his appt was changed from Friday.

Geez I wish they'd replace Monday with another day. Maybe shuffle em around every week and let it be a surprise.

Chickie's getting all set for Easter

She really has a lot of patience with her mommy and Nanny when they get out the cameras


They tried this photo with a real bunny and the Chickie wasn't having any of that. They ended up having to hide the bunny in the basket.

I found this over at StrangeCosmos

Learn Your State Motto

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Florida: Home of the headless drivers

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto right here!

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney .....

Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles

Wisconsin: Cheese Munching Packer Fans Enjoying the Two Weeks of Summer

Go here for your statehttp://www.strangecosmos.com/read.adp?joke_id=4521

Movin S L O W

I think I've found muscles never before known to man and I'm not sure this is a good thing. I can't stop though, today's agenda includes

Putting the rest of my bloomin plants out somewhere

Working up the dirt so I can place those pine nuggets under my azelias

Unloading all the junk that has accumulated in my truck

Finish up one tax return and start another

I'm thinking I might get moving on all this about noon.

Saturday

I had big plans today. I bought my little bloomin plants yesterday for my flower boxes, 2-40lb bags of top soil, and 2-big-ass bags of pine pellets. I was going to get it on out there in the dirt today.

I woke up with the usual one child. By 9:30, Jami had dropped off 2 more on her way to taking another to the doctor. These 3 and I went to a flea market that Jerri's mother owns to look around and the Chickie was there and I ended up with a total of 4 chillens before 11 am.

I herded them all indoors and in front of cartoons until Jami picked up Krysten and Abie at around 1. Then Zach, the Chickie, and I went outside and filled flower boxes and planters with topsoil and put in about half the plants I'd bought.

We had to break so Chickie could have a new diaper installed and a little entergizing nap then went back outdoors and fertilized and watered what we'd done before.

The rest of the plants, the clearing, turning and placing of pine nuggets under the azaleas will have to wait until tomorrow since I ran out of energy and daylight.

I know better than to plan big. I have way too many outside influences to even imagine that I might plan anything at all!

I'm gonna go eat my bowl of soup now and see if I can talk Zach into behaving himself long enough for me to have a soaking bath. I smell like I've been fooling around with Special K's dog.

Ya'll don't forget!

Saturday Morning

Yesterday I thought I was having another bird tragedy. Last year's sight of baby birds on the ground, after Krysten (number 3 granddaughter) shook the birdhouse pole, is forever ingrained in my memory so when I saw what I thought was an adult bird (purple martin) on the ground, I was frantic.

I was already in the truck and backing out of the drive when I saw the flapping wings below the birdhouse so I pulled up closer to see what was going on. What I found was not one bird, but two. They appeared to be seriously fighting but I still wasn't sure with all the frantic wing fluttering and flapping. So I honked my truck horn several times until they finally broke up and flew up into the bird house.

As I was on my way to pick Zach up I started worrying. The birds hadn't appeared to be hurt so what if I'd messed up a breeding practice and had scarred these birds for life by honking at them? I called James in his truck and asked him if there was a difference in coloring in the male and female martins. He said there was so I now know that it was two males that I'd seen fighting.

He informed me that they sometimes fight to claim ownership of a nesting spot and also over female birds, but he'd never seen them on the ground before.

I hope these two will become friends now and that I didn't totally mess up their selection ritual.

Some people REALLY need a sign.

I stopped and bought a paper the other day on my way to pick Zach up from school. I always read Dr. Gott's articles on the Delta Express page cause sometimes he has some really interesting tidbits in there. The following gave me reason to think Dr. Gott just may have a sense of humor.

Dear Dr. Gott:

For years I've tried everything my doctor recommended, plus everything advertised on television, for hemorrhoids. Nothing works.

Sunday evening I had dinner with friends. One of the women is a nut about Jell-O, believing that it is good for everything that ails you. In desperation I gave it a try the following morning. I cooked it according to the the directions on the package and applied it to the inflamed area.

It did nothing except make a horrible stain on my new white linen slacks.

Perhaps I shouldn't have used strawberry.

Do you think Lemon Jell-O, or perhaps plain gelatin, would have been better? Someone else at the table suggested roasted garlic, but I don't think he was serious.
What do you think?

(at this point I'm sitting alone in my truck howling with laughter and I haven't even gotten to Dr. Gotts reply)

Dear Reader:

Boy, that must have been some fascinating dinner party, with hemorrhoids the thrust of the discussion. Couldn't you have spent just a little time on George W.?

Now to business:

Lemon Jell-O won't help your problem either. Troublesome hemorrhoids that don't respond to suppositories (either prescription or OTC) should be examined by a doctor.

But. Here is another option that many readers claim has brought relief.

Apply Vicks VapoRub to the affected area twice a day. I've been assured relief may occur immediately after the first application.

(by this time I was laying in the seat of the truck, too weak to sit up from laughing so hard).

What I WANT to do

What I've had to do

Thursday

I am so far gone today that I don't even have words to describe it.

Hope everyone had a good day!

I'd rather be a mechanic!

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.

Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking – let’s patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."

The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

So you think you don't need insurance on that new puter?

What is Wrong with me??

Sometimes I feel like I'm less of a citizen because I don't give a shit about who's running for president of these here states. For some reason, I'd rather spend my energy on things that I can really do something about and worrying and pondering about who's going to win the presidency just ain't one of them.

I can't feed every starving child in the world, but I know how to grow a garden and preserve the food to feed my own and a few more.

I can't keep our good old federal, state, and local governments from taking a good 50% of my hard earned money in taxes to pay for their fine homes, cars, expense accounts, and college degrees for their kids, but I am intelligent enough to have learned enough about the tax system and the laws that I damn sure don't give them too much more than what they believe to be their fair share.

I can't make choices for women who find themselves in a situation to where they feel they must make the decision to have an abortion, and I don't want to. Nor should anyone else, especially those who use violence to try to change their minds. I can only do what's right for me.

I can't tolerate those that thrive on the misery of others, but I can't change the person that they are or what made them so miserable that they became that way. I try to steer a wide path around them. Misery loves company so let them be alone.

I can't educate the world, but I can help to teach a child to read.

Quickie

It's mostly the SOS around here. I did get out of my pjs long enough yesterday to go into Helena to do a few things that I've been putting off and I was on the phone a good bit the rest of the day trying to find out the status of new health insurance and set up appointments with two tax clients for Thursday.

James came home early since it had rained and was too wet to work in the fields so we had an early dinner at El Canaveral and came home to plant my dahlia bulbs and fertilize some of my other plants. I'm not sure why I bother since the farmer who owns the neighboring land usually kills or maimes everydamnthing I try to grow!!

One little bit of good news is the trees I planted last year (after they survived being mauled by the neighbor's dogs) are sprouting little tiny leaves. The advertised 10 ft a year growth has far to go though since they maybe grew 2 inches since I planted them. Ankle high is a longass way from 10ft. Don't you agree?

I've made an appointment to take Zach to talk with the doc on Friday. I think it'll make us both feel better to get him checked out.

I'm outta here now to prepare myself for a day with two of the girls again. MeriKate has another appointment in Little Rock today.

Now where'd I put that tranxene?

Sheer

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Funeral Services are pending...