My Sunday

Had two shining moments.

I had a call and a smile from Special K

and I got a nap!

I can feel for this poor old geezer.

WARNING! Potty subject matter discussed.

In The Ladies Room

11 Types Of Women In The Powder Room

Indifferent

Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties aside and
squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up
and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being poured
from third story window.

Cautious

Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she
straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.

Worried

A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers.
Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before
flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash
hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.

Conceited

Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls
high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates
that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such
lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a
goat.

Sloppy

Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat,
never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to
flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in panties.

Timid

Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on
faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for
constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound
other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out
blushing.

Cross-Eyed

Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor.
Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can and carries a box of
Kleenex in her purse.

Frivolous

Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Literary

Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber"
for her piles.

Big Time

Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other
girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with
black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been
to bed with a man.

Drunk

Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats
on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy little
songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she
forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.

.....a timm contribution

Longlasting Love Affair

It was the summer before I started third grade when my love affair with books began one hot afternoon when grandma had made us lie down for an after dinner nap. I remember squirming and tossing about on the bed trying to keep cool in front of the old electric fan and out of boredom I picked up a book my mother had left on a table nearby.

It was a struggle at first to decipher those big words that I kept stumbling up against but after a week or so of constantly asking whichever adult was nearby, "what's this word, what does it mean", I had stored enough words to memory that my questions became fewer every day.

I felt grown-up when grandma would look in at nap time and see me stretched out on my stomach, nose buried in the book, and not insist that I take my nap. Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs took me to places I'd never even imagined before and I absorbed and savored each and every word of that book.

I don't remember how long it took me to finish reading my first novel, but I've never been without a new book with a new adventure since then.

Morning laugh

Just when I thought it was going to be a quiet morning around here, I broke the silence with roaring laughter over at John's place. Go on, go get your Friday smile on.

A Day in the Life

I love the few minutes of peace and quiet that I have in the mornings before I wake up the terrorist. During the past week that time has gradually decreased as I've had to wake him up a few minutes earlier for the added encouragement he needs to eat, wash his face, sing on the pot, brush teeth, and dress. He has to stop and play during his routine and it's with a great sigh of relief when he's finally clothed and polished and on his way to school.

I try to prepare myself during the day for what will come once I fetch him home from school, but there is no way to predict what will occur between 3:20 pm each day and bedtime. A roulette wheel is more predictable.

After we got home yesterday I made him change clothes and let him go out to play to release the pent up energy from a day in the classroom. In 30 minutes he was back in the house with both rubber boots full of water from playing in a ditch.

In dry clothes and bootless we then practiced spelling words, reading words, and practiced reciting a poem he's learning.

He watched cartoons and bounced around the house while I cooked supper. During this time he added laundry detergent to my washer load of already washed and rinsed laundry that was waiting for it's turn in the dryer. It took two extra rinses to get all the suds out.

For supper he consumed 2 chicken legs, 1/2 of a chicken breast, 2 carrots, followed by a bowl of banana pudding, and 1 snickers bar.

In his bath, he constructed a boat out of a new bar of soap using my old casino player's card for a sail, used carpet deodorizer as play foam, (that also took 2 rinses to remove), and soaked 3 towels and the bath mat.

After cleaning that mess, I left him to dry off and put on underwear. 10 minutes later I was back in there to see what was taking him so long and this led to our discussion about the difference in my new face powder and talcum powder and how they were for different parts of your body. Don't ask.

1 bowl of dry Honey Nut Cheerio's, several cartoons, and threats later, it was bed time. He went to sleep in less than 2 minutes, I had to rest awhile to even think about sleeping!

The end of a long day.

Whew. It's almost over. I'm sitting here now with a cup of coffee, a cig I don't need, and an aching knee. Those danged aluminum steps leading to the temporary offices at that place where I work part-time tried to throw me today. I know that's what happened cause I am quite steady on my feet! I think Mary lou needs to give me a few pointers. I hope everyone has a wonderful evening!

For CJ

Come Home Soon!

Moody?

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

Another Anniversary

On the occasion of their fifteenth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight. When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much. He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH!!!"

Remember When?

Do you remember when you first discovered your sexuality? Your first real crush, when instead of punching out that boy who lived down the road, you wanted to impress him just a little by wearing clean clothes when he rode his bike over to play for the afternoon?

My first crush was Ricky Roberts when I was in the 7th grade. I had admired him for weeks but didn't have the nerve to let him know this. I must have been emitting some powerful vibes or something though cause one day he came up to me and asked me if I'd "go" with him to our State Fair field trip.

At our little rural school, to have a boy ask you to "go" with him to an event such as this was the ultimate in COOL! Of course to us, at that age, to "go" with a boy to this outing meant that you sat together on the bus, walked around together, and rode rides with them at the fair.

Well, I got me a live one. That Ricky was one suave young man. Being a whole year older than I was, he was much more knowledgeable about "going" with a girl and in how to treat her. He insisted that we hold hands even when he was tossing his cookies when they stopped us right at the top of the giant ferris wheel. Then later on, after he'd chewed a whole pack of Juicy Fruit gum, he taught me how to kiss.

For the next several months, until I broke his heart by leaving to go live with my father and stepmother for 3 years in England, he plied me with gifts of the likes never seen by this country girl. That boy could do wonders with his weekly allowance down at Mr. Jesse's General Store.

I still had all of the baubles and do-dads that he'd lovingly given me until last year and I've never again "gone" with another man quite as romantic as he was.


There was the R.A.F. lad when I lived in England,,,but that'll wait until another day.

Just as I pictured Him

The Miracle of Alcohol

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get
some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at
the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Oh Pleeeeezeeeee!

But oh well, it could be worse.


Forward


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Looking back on Tuesday

Yesterday was just a different kind of day. First of all, it was in the upper 70's here so the central heat that I'd flipped on just three days ago, had to be flipped back to the A/C.

Then my son came by to take hubby's hunting dog, Tee, to the vet for her annual shots and check-up. The vet told me over the phone that she's got ulcers. I knew the danged dog was hyper, hell that's the reason my son had to take her I can't handle her, but ulcers? I told hubby to talk with his buddy about letting his dog breed her this year cause she was probably just frustrated as hell. (speaking from experience of course).

Later in the afternoon I went outside for a bit and noticed that I had some tomatoes ripe in the garden. I went back in to fetch a pail for picking them and ended up with another peck or more of tomatoes! Unbelievable.

It's still warm outside but a front is coming through soon so I'm going to enjoy my warm toes today.

Redneck Honeymoon

A Redneck couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "this here is a very special 'casion and we need a good room with a strong bed."

The hotel clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Redneck fellow thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I 'speck I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Slogans and signs from around the country.

Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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At a Proctologist's door

To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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When It's Time to Give Up.

I've written a little about my father (4/11/03 entry) before and I've mentioned that I've spoken to him only twice in the past 7 or so years. The day I finally gave up trying to have a relationship with him was pretty much the exclamation point at the end of a long, sorrid, rambling, life sentence.

I've also written about my brother, Roger, in an earlier blog entry. I think he was born after my parents divorced. I'm not real sure of this because I don't exactly know when they divorced. They hadn't lived together in a long while and from age 5 until I was around 14 I have a pretty sketchy memory about many events. Anyway, to get back on the subject, Roger was not my father's son. I have no recall of how I first learned of this, nor have I ever known who Roger's father was. My mother still used my father's surname so that name was on my brother's birth certificate, the same as my sisters and I.

When Roger was killed in a car accident my mother was still able to live on her own even though she was disabled with R.A. The night he was killed I brought her to my house because I felt she didn't need to be alone and also so that we could go the next morning to make arrangements with the funeral home to transfer my brother from the morgue and to handle the funeral.

It was a very emotionally draining day, but I specifically remember my Mom's replies to the funeral director's questions. When he asked her about survivors and mentioned the father of the deceased, my mother's reply was "none". I realized with certainty then that my brother had died never knowing who his father was.

I do not remember talking to my father during this time but I do remember speaking with my stepmother once when she called to offer their condolences.

On the morning of the funeral, as I was dressing, my husband called me to the phone. My stepmother's first words when I answered were, "What have you done?" Being the emotional wreck that I was that morning, all I could say was, "what??" She then began yelling at me about the obituaries being announced over the radio and how upset my father was because his church group would think he was terrible because he hadn't acknowledged his son's death. The conversation was not making sense to me so I finally asked, "What in the HELL are you talking about?"

Then things started coming clear. When the funeral director had sent the obit to the radio station, he had listed my father as a survivor. I was past upset by this time but I remember telling her that she was out of her everloving mind and I couldn't believe she would call me with such bullshit on the day I was going to bury my brother and I hung up on her.

After I'd calmed down a little, I began to realize that they really believed that I had done this and I was so worried about my father thinking I'd do something to hurt him that I called and asked to talk to him. I asked him if he really thought that I had given that information to the funeral director and he said yes. He told me that I'd done it so that people wouldn't know that my brother had been a bastard. Then he said the words that made me realize just how tired I was of forgiving him and how trivial my sisters and I were to him. "Do you think, if Roger were my son, I would ever have let anyone or anything keep me away from him?" I was so hurt that I could barely breath when I told him, "You found plenty to keep yourself away from my sisters and me", then I hung up the phone.

Later that day I discovered that Roger's on again-off again, drug addicted wife had given the director the information that I had been dressed down for.

I tried once, about 18 months ago to renew some sort of relationship with my father, but then he showed his disgust to my daughter about having biracial children and I decided the pain he caused wasn't worth the bother. I just don't have the energy to deal with him anymore and I've never believed in happy endings.

I realize that this must read like a Peyton Place script but truthfully, there were times in my life when I felt as though I were one of the main characters!
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Texan Joke

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

Proud!

Zach, aka the terrorist, wrote his first report about Halloween yesterday without aid from the teacher with spelling or grammer. See if you can decipher it.