Thursday, April 30, 2009

PARENT

Job Description


POSITION TITLE:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Dad, Daddy, Dada

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and
endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more, but the reason for this is by this time you're in total denial and are demented.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.



** AND A FOOTNOTE: THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! * *

8 comments:

Donna said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAaaaaa........AHHHHDamnnnnnn.....Oh you KNOW I NEEDED this today!!!!Hahahahahahahaa....AhhhhSweetPea...I think it's time to run away from home.....
I see that pesky storm headed you're way! Be safe!!!((((HUGS))))

Mary Lou said...

Ok, What happened this time? With the comment on face book and now this, It soounds like you are ready to come NORTH NOW!!

Karen M said...

LOL--That is sooooo TRUE!!!

I've applied and got the job, 3 times.

You can't get fired either!!!

bermudabluez said...

SOOOOOOO True!!! I love this Brenda! And Yes....we are planning the next trip to commence in August!

Sally said...

OH~bye bye~see ya later~take care~hope it gets better soon~love ya~:)

Debbie said...

I especially liked:Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

All true. Sadly. Um. Happily.

Hang in there. Thank God it passes.

joan said...

So true. Hope things are beter for you today. Family, you love them but sometimes they just drive you crazy and give you ulcers. Take care Brenda!

PEA said...

Mama told me there would be days like that when I mentioned I wanted kids! lol I obviously forgot to read the fine print!!!! hehe Loved this! xoxo