Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I Only Cried 4 Times Today,,,

I have no energy.

Decisions are hard to make, the smallest chore seems mountainous, what were normally joyous things are not, things that used to bother me badly don’t bother me as much any more, I have never defended myself well, but now I can't find the energy to even try to very much. Let them say or do what they will.  To pretend takes too much effort, and I seem to need so much rest but am not getting any real sleep,,,just dozing off in my chair off and on.  I would love the solace of sleep. Nothing matters except getting through the days and the dark, hateful nights, and keeping Zach's needs taken care of.

No one can really help; it's something I have to get through myself.  If I try to talk about him, I find myself breaking down in tears.  I just want him back and I'm dreading the holidays so badly it even hurts to breath sometimes.  I know I'm not alone with my loss but I don't know how to help others with their pain when my pain is so raw in me now.

I know it will get easier, Dear God it has to. I just ask my wonderful friends here and through facebook to please don't give up on me.  I'm trying, I promise I am.




 

 

11 comments:

Sally said...

I've never experienced what you are now, Ms Brenda, but please know we will never, ever give up on you. And, don't give up on yourself or God. He loves you, and so do we.

Jeanette said...

We would never give up on you, Brenda. I think you just need to get through all these "firsts". First holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and whatever else and then things will start to get easier. You are in my thoughts, as usual!

Donna said...

Give UP on You??? Never Ever BabyDoll!!! You just take all the time you Need! You can cry because...IT'S ALRIGHT TO!
'Gonna be Right here for you...Not going Anywhere...Sending you LOTS of hugs and love...
(((((HUG))))

Out on the prairie said...

being busy and outgoing helps the best. I went and helped set decorations up at a church, and hardly put anything up myself'LOL Keep up your attitude no matter what it takes and try to keep progressing, it evens out eventually.

Donna said...

I would never dream of giving up on you. What you are going through is to be expected. Most of us womenfolk will be walking in your shoes, sooner or later. Please consider joining a widows group to help you get through the grieving process. And one of the best medicines during the holidays is to donate some of your time to help others, such as volunteering through Salvation Army. We love you, Miz Brenda. If we could take a some of that pain off of your shoulders, we would do it in a heartbeat. You WILL get through this journey. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Paxie said...

Give up? Never. When hell freezes over. Nada. Ain't happenin, Mz. Brenda! We are here.

I'm not hitting on much with the holidays either, but I can support you, love you and send hugs. I'm sitting here alone right now...son is working (doesn't live here).

I know what my Mom went through when my Dad died suddenly at the age of 25 and she had 2 young babies. She made it...eventually, and you will do, sweetie.

Love you!

bichonpawz said...

We will never EVER give up on you dear Brenda! My heart and prayers go out to you. I believe it is a process that takes time. One step at a time. Some longer than others. Sending you hugs my friend. Stay strong. xo
Jeanne

Janice@GypsyFarmGirl said...

Bless your heart Ms Brenda. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with a difficult loss this year. I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

John said...

... no giving up on you... you are loved and admired you know!

joan said...

Never friend....vent, cry do whatever you need to take care of you at this time. The holidays are hard, you'll make it because I know you are stronger than you think you are. Grief is such a hard process to work through. But we're here for you whenever you need us. {{{hugs}}}

Joan said...

I would never give up on you dear friend. I may take awhile but you will once again find your way. Lay low and take your own sweet time to grieve even though the holidays are coming up.

Take care....