2004, 19th Annual King Biscuit Blues Fest in Helena, AR.
Whats UP down South
LIVING AND LEARNING WITH REDNECKS DOWN SOUTH.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
I reckon he thought it over
and decided he wanted to continue to sleep in the house.
Maybe the Mimosa's trim won't put her in shock.
Poor trees hate to see him coming.
Maybe the Mimosa's trim won't put her in shock.
Poor trees hate to see him coming.
Sunday Chainsaw Massacre
James has a chainsaw.
He's pruning the trees.
I see a fight coming on.
I've already told him not to get wild with his pruning of my trees and he yelled at me that those were NOT my trees. My reply to him was, "If you're going to leave a 20 ft pole with leaves at the top, then just CUT THE MFers DOWN!"
to be continued..........
He's pruning the trees.
I see a fight coming on.
I've already told him not to get wild with his pruning of my trees and he yelled at me that those were NOT my trees. My reply to him was, "If you're going to leave a 20 ft pole with leaves at the top, then just CUT THE MFers DOWN!"
to be continued..........
Saturday, February 28, 2004
The Old Gas Station
Author Unknown
The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole
We're painting under here"
The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole
We're painting under here"
Skoal Can
Prior to her trip to West Virginia , Jenny, (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Mountain State . She wanted to taste some real Deer Tenderloin, go whitewater rafting down the Shenandoah River , and have sex with a redneck.
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a place in Charles Town called Mom's with real deer tenderloin... the taste is unbelievable ! And I had so much fun when I went whitewater rafting. I got thrown out of the raft right into the rapids! What a rush! The scenery there is absolutely beautiful! It was incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a redneck?"
"Are you kidding?" She told them, "Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
Now how's that for a Saturday smile from a friend?
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a place in Charles Town called Mom's with real deer tenderloin... the taste is unbelievable ! And I had so much fun when I went whitewater rafting. I got thrown out of the raft right into the rapids! What a rush! The scenery there is absolutely beautiful! It was incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a redneck?"
"Are you kidding?" She told them, "Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
Now how's that for a Saturday smile from a friend?
Friday, February 27, 2004
Ya'll don't fuss too much
I was up all night with the terrorist-in-training who has a stomach virus. This is the best I've got right now.
Q: You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on your left side there is an abyss. On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you. In front of you runs a pig, larger than your car. A helicopter is following you, at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the same speed as you. What will you need to do to be able to stop?
Answer: Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round and leave your seat to someone younger. The children's merry-go-round in the amusement park is primarily for the younger children..
Q: You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on your left side there is an abyss. On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you. In front of you runs a pig, larger than your car. A helicopter is following you, at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the same speed as you. What will you need to do to be able to stop?
Answer: Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round and leave your seat to someone younger. The children's merry-go-round in the amusement park is primarily for the younger children..
Another smile from my friend - The Baptist Bra
A man walked into the ladies' department of a Dillard's Department Store
and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Baptist," said the man.
"She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."
"Ah yes, now I remember," said the saleslady.
"We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
the Catholic
type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
Then there's the Baptist type."
"What does that do?" asked the man.
She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."
and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Baptist," said the man.
"She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."
"Ah yes, now I remember," said the saleslady.
"We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
the Catholic
type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
Then there's the Baptist type."
"What does that do?" asked the man.
She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."
Thursday, February 26, 2004
This is the reason,,
I take my camera everywhere I go. NEVER know what you'll come across.
This fella was just wandering along the edge of the field near my house, stopping to grab a quick bite of something or other every so often.
This fella was just wandering along the edge of the field near my house, stopping to grab a quick bite of something or other every so often.
Liberal?
1. Of a FREE heart; FREE to give or bestow; not close or contracted; munificent; bountiful; generous; giving largely; as, a liberal doner; the liberal founders of a college or hospital. It expresses less than Profuse or Extravagant. 2. Generous; ample; large; as, a liberal donation; a liberal allowance. 3. Not selfish, narrow, or contracted; catholic; enlarged; embracing other interests than one's own; as, liberal sentiments or views; a liberal mind; liberal policy. 4. General; extensive; embracing literature and the sciences generally; as, a liberal education. This phrase is often, but not necessarily, synonymous with COLLEGIATE; as, a collegiate education. 5. FREE; open; candid; as, a liberal communication of thoughts. 6. Large; profuse; as, a liberal discharge of matter by secretions or excretions. 7. FREE; not literal or strict; as, a liberal construction of law. 8. Not mean; not low in birth or mind. 9. Licentious; FREE to excess. Shak. Liberal arts, as distinguished from mechanical arts, are such as depend more on the exertion of the mind than on the labor of the hands, and regard amusement, curiosity, or intellectual improvement, rather than the necessity of subsistence, or manual skill. Such are grammar, rhetoric, painting, sculpture, architecture, music, &c. Liberal has of before the thing bestowed, and to before the person or object on which any thing is bestowed; as, to be liberal of praise or censure; liberal to the poor.
LIB'ER-AL, n. One who advocates greater freedom from restraint, especially in political institutions.
Last night the phone rang and a lady with a foreign accent asked to speak with me. It took a full 3 minutes for me to understand just what it was that she wanted of me and then I was finally made to understand, by this person with even worse english than mine, that I'd been called to participate in a political survey. When asked if I voted mostly Democrat or mostly Republican my reply was that I vote mostly Liberal as I don't think it matters what the political party is as long as they work for the freedoms our Country was founded upon and for the progress of the American people. The lady couldn't wait to get rid of me after that.
After I hung up the phone, I had to smile when I thought of all the people they could have called during that 10 minute survey, and they called someone like me who's so absolutely digusted with the lack of ethics, morals, and choices in politics.
Bart For President!
LIB'ER-AL, n. One who advocates greater freedom from restraint, especially in political institutions.
Last night the phone rang and a lady with a foreign accent asked to speak with me. It took a full 3 minutes for me to understand just what it was that she wanted of me and then I was finally made to understand, by this person with even worse english than mine, that I'd been called to participate in a political survey. When asked if I voted mostly Democrat or mostly Republican my reply was that I vote mostly Liberal as I don't think it matters what the political party is as long as they work for the freedoms our Country was founded upon and for the progress of the American people. The lady couldn't wait to get rid of me after that.
After I hung up the phone, I had to smile when I thought of all the people they could have called during that 10 minute survey, and they called someone like me who's so absolutely digusted with the lack of ethics, morals, and choices in politics.
Bart For President!
:-) What a way to start the day!
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Lord give me patience
This week I have 15 minutes less time to get Zach up, fed, teeth brushed, and dressed before his ride to school gets here. I've already threatened him with false teeth so he'll only have to drop them in a glass at night IF HE DOESN'T BRUSH HIS TEETH!!
The timer didn't work and I can't afford the prizes he wants.
The timer didn't work and I can't afford the prizes he wants.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
If men "really" ruled the world.
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Monday, February 23, 2004
Someone sent me a much needed smile today.
A Child Baptized
After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy." he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy." he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
Feeling down Monday
I understand how much a loved one can hurt you like noone else on earth can. Lord knows I've experienced enough of it. What I can't understand is allowing your hurt to cause you to be uncaring towards those who had nothing to do with the hurt that was done.
Our oldest daughter was her father's pride and joy. She's intelligent beyond anything I can describe here but she made choices once she left our care that my husband refuses to forgive her for. She has two beautiful daughters but because they are biracial, and she made the decision not to marry their father, my husband has stated that she's nothing but white trash and refuses to allow her to visit.
He might as well have driven a stake through my heart. My granddaughters don't deserve this sort of treatment because they had nothing to do with my daughter's decision or their grandfather's biasedness. When Jordan, the oldest, said to me one day, "Nanny, I know my PopPop loves me even if I don't see him", I had to wipe my eyes to be able to see to drive the rest of the way home.
His continuance in being cruel, and I do feel this is cruelty, has caused my feelings for him to change. I no longer love him and worse, I no longer respect him, and if I were a cruel person, I'd tell him to move out regardless of how much it would hurt my family. But I'm not a cruel person and this is tearing me apart so that I really hate the holidays and special times when families are supposed to be together.
I wish I could understand.
Our oldest daughter was her father's pride and joy. She's intelligent beyond anything I can describe here but she made choices once she left our care that my husband refuses to forgive her for. She has two beautiful daughters but because they are biracial, and she made the decision not to marry their father, my husband has stated that she's nothing but white trash and refuses to allow her to visit.
He might as well have driven a stake through my heart. My granddaughters don't deserve this sort of treatment because they had nothing to do with my daughter's decision or their grandfather's biasedness. When Jordan, the oldest, said to me one day, "Nanny, I know my PopPop loves me even if I don't see him", I had to wipe my eyes to be able to see to drive the rest of the way home.
His continuance in being cruel, and I do feel this is cruelty, has caused my feelings for him to change. I no longer love him and worse, I no longer respect him, and if I were a cruel person, I'd tell him to move out regardless of how much it would hurt my family. But I'm not a cruel person and this is tearing me apart so that I really hate the holidays and special times when families are supposed to be together.
I wish I could understand.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Cranky and tired
When I got home from work yesterday my son and hubby were finishing up the work needed to put the new birdhouse up. This should increase our Martin living quarters
to around 30+ compartments (if we can keep the sparrows from nesting in em).
Nanny snuck (I think this is only a southern word) in a little short nap before the Chickie and her mommy arrived and after they got here we all went out to El Canaveral's for dinner. You can see here that the Chickie dressed for dinner
and was practicing her "star" role.
After dinner we went grocery shopping for Sunday BBQ fixins. Zach's little sisters came by today for hotdogs, ribs, and a nice boston butt.
Nanny is now tired and cranky cause she has to work tomorrow.
to around 30+ compartments (if we can keep the sparrows from nesting in em).
Nanny snuck (I think this is only a southern word) in a little short nap before the Chickie and her mommy arrived and after they got here we all went out to El Canaveral's for dinner. You can see here that the Chickie dressed for dinner
and was practicing her "star" role.
After dinner we went grocery shopping for Sunday BBQ fixins. Zach's little sisters came by today for hotdogs, ribs, and a nice boston butt.
Nanny is now tired and cranky cause she has to work tomorrow.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
I do believe this Texan fits the redneck profile.
A Texan wanted to go ice-fishing. He'd read books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary gear together, he made for the nearest frozen body of water to the North.
After positioning his foot-stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly -- from above -- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of coffee, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" He stopped, looked upward, and said, " Is that you LORD?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager!"
After positioning his foot-stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly -- from above -- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of coffee, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" He stopped, looked upward, and said, " Is that you LORD?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager!"
The Chickie's Home
She's home and came to visit last night. She's still not feeling her best but she was feeling good enough that she had fun with my pots and pans. She and Zach played some last night so she's on the mend for sure.
Friday, February 20, 2004
MAN SCHOOL
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for
marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....
TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates
degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 1 10 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at
2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Passing Gas Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for
marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....
TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates
degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 1 10 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at
2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Passing Gas Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
Lazy Nanny
I talked to the Chickie twice more on the phone yesterday and she sounds in much better shape than her mommy does. Jerri told me last night when I called that she may get to go home today. I think they're tired of fighting the Chick to keep that IV in. This morning she's had scrambled eggs and toast already so she's much improved.
Thank you for all the well wishes, I'm sure they helped bunches in her recovery.
Thank you for all the well wishes, I'm sure they helped bunches in her recovery.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
A laugh from a very good friend
A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under the following four conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Bubba said, "I want any offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Bubba stated,
"You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
Sometimes a friend just knows when you need a laugh like this!
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under the following four conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Bubba said, "I want any offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Bubba stated,
"You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
Sometimes a friend just knows when you need a laugh like this!
Chickie Update
I called and talked to my son and the Chickie this morning and she's jabbering away. The fluids and IV antibiotics are doing the job and her fever is down to 101 so she may get to go home tomorrow. Poor babe pulled the IV out and they had to put it back in but put it into her foot this time. She doesn't like being teathered like that AT ALL. The Chick's poor mommy is exhausted from wrestling with a sick but still active 1 yr old.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
My little Chickie
My little Chick was admitted into the hospital late this afternoon with a really high fever from an ear infection and she also has a stomach virus. I went by to see her this evening and she looked so pitiful but she still felt like climbing into my lap for a hug and a little conversation.
Nite all x
Nite all x
A loving Grandma
Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
I'm saddened
that a study on nipple shields gets more attention than my deepest thoughts.
Wait,,
I have no deep thoughts.
Wait,,
I have no deep thoughts.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Ok, I figgered it out.
On my way in to work this morning the fruitcakes at Rock 103 were discussing Janet Jackson, again. It seems that she's going to be coming out with a line of nipple and other body jewelry and lingerie. Color me surprised,,,,anyone??
Since the uproar over the "famous flash of the nipple ring" I've been trying to figure out how in the hell one would keep such an item of jewelry ON. After doing a little research (ain't the internet wonderful for that?), I got my answer. If I ever had thoughts of purchasing such adorable nipple jewelry I can promise you that all such ideas have been wiped totally from my somewhat slow mind. Or maybe not.
Ain't no way a needle is going near those!! And besides, I think I'd have to have matching navel jewelry since my nipples would probably be down in that area anyway. But after a little more research I found this site to be very informative.
Your nipples DO NOT have to be pierced to enjoy the Erotic Feel of wearing Nipple Jewelry!!
Tips for wearing our Nipple Huggers™
It has been suggested that the use of an ice cube will make the nipple hard will aid in the application/installation of the Nipple Huggers. If when hard and erect, your nipple does not stand at least 1/8" tall, our nipple jewelry will be unusually hard to get on or to wear.
Step 1, open & stretch the Nipple Hugger™ out a little.
Step 2 & 3, bring it down and around the nipple.
Step 4 & 5, hook the right 'bud' or coil over top of the left and it will slide together like a hook and eye.
Step 7, ....being a new nipple hugger, it needs to be shaped to your breast. Hold/pull the nipple out and press down firmly on the petals until they are laying flat against your breast, making sure the Nipple Hugger is still gripping the nipple. This also adds to the sensual feeling. At this point, if it's not gripping the nipple tight enough to stay on, push the outside of the petals inward toward the nipple. If it's too tight, pull the petals out... and your ready to go!
OR
You can pre shape the nipple hugger by gripping the coil so it does not come apart and gently pulling the petals out one by one all the way around the hugger. Make it so it is larger than the diameter of the nipple and will slide on like a ring. Then just push those petals in toward the base of the nipple, while keeping the coil shut. If too tight, pull out. If too loose push in.
And here (below) you are dressed to kill!
Sometimes it is also easier to start wearing the nipple huggers upside down, with the rose bud (coil) at the top were it is easier to see how to close.
You'll know you have the right side facing up if the rose bud (coil) on the right hooks over the coil on the left. If it pinches when you hook it, just stretch / pull the petals out further. You can always push them in again for a snugger fit, and actually the snugger the fit the less chance of losing them (and the more sexy the feeling!).
It's best if going braless to wear your top tucked in until you are used to wearing them. This is so you don't lose one or both.
Rather than having the 'Nipple Huggers' standing flat up and down, grab the nipple and push the petals down so that they are laying on your breast.
Now that might not be so bad. I think I like the "patriotic" ones.
I wonder if they have a hoist at that site.
Since the uproar over the "famous flash of the nipple ring" I've been trying to figure out how in the hell one would keep such an item of jewelry ON. After doing a little research (ain't the internet wonderful for that?), I got my answer. If I ever had thoughts of purchasing such adorable nipple jewelry I can promise you that all such ideas have been wiped totally from my somewhat slow mind. Or maybe not.
Ain't no way a needle is going near those!! And besides, I think I'd have to have matching navel jewelry since my nipples would probably be down in that area anyway. But after a little more research I found this site to be very informative.
Your nipples DO NOT have to be pierced to enjoy the Erotic Feel of wearing Nipple Jewelry!!
Tips for wearing our Nipple Huggers™
It has been suggested that the use of an ice cube will make the nipple hard will aid in the application/installation of the Nipple Huggers. If when hard and erect, your nipple does not stand at least 1/8" tall, our nipple jewelry will be unusually hard to get on or to wear.
Step 1, open & stretch the Nipple Hugger™ out a little.
Step 2 & 3, bring it down and around the nipple.
Step 4 & 5, hook the right 'bud' or coil over top of the left and it will slide together like a hook and eye.
Step 7, ....being a new nipple hugger, it needs to be shaped to your breast. Hold/pull the nipple out and press down firmly on the petals until they are laying flat against your breast, making sure the Nipple Hugger is still gripping the nipple. This also adds to the sensual feeling. At this point, if it's not gripping the nipple tight enough to stay on, push the outside of the petals inward toward the nipple. If it's too tight, pull the petals out... and your ready to go!
OR
You can pre shape the nipple hugger by gripping the coil so it does not come apart and gently pulling the petals out one by one all the way around the hugger. Make it so it is larger than the diameter of the nipple and will slide on like a ring. Then just push those petals in toward the base of the nipple, while keeping the coil shut. If too tight, pull out. If too loose push in.
And here (below) you are dressed to kill!
Sometimes it is also easier to start wearing the nipple huggers upside down, with the rose bud (coil) at the top were it is easier to see how to close.
You'll know you have the right side facing up if the rose bud (coil) on the right hooks over the coil on the left. If it pinches when you hook it, just stretch / pull the petals out further. You can always push them in again for a snugger fit, and actually the snugger the fit the less chance of losing them (and the more sexy the feeling!).
It's best if going braless to wear your top tucked in until you are used to wearing them. This is so you don't lose one or both.
Rather than having the 'Nipple Huggers' standing flat up and down, grab the nipple and push the petals down so that they are laying on your breast.
Now that might not be so bad. I think I like the "patriotic" ones.
I wonder if they have a hoist at that site.
I remember....
I moan and groan and bitch and gripe about having a bad day and there are plenty of times when the bad days seem to gang up on me. But when they get especially bad, I think back to what was or what has been and often that's enough to give me thought about all the things that are better than they were, and some that are not.
I remember a cold house and only a cast iron wood stove to warm whichever side you had facing it. Summers hot enough that you felt as though you were melting and the smell of Black Flag fogging throughout the house at night to deter the buzzing mosquitoes.
I remember not caring about the furniture arrangements as long as you could turn the bed so that a breeze could come through the window to cool you from the rattling old window fan.
I remember looking forward to Saturday wash day because you could strip the beds and wash the sheets. Those sun dried, clean sheets always smelled of the outdoors and summer sunshine even in the middle of winter. I also remember those same sheets freezing on the line before you could get the clothes pins attached good.
I remember and never miss the old No. 3 washtub that was used to rinse the laundry and then was cleaned out to be ready for bath time. Bathing was more a chore than a luxury when your knees were up under your chin.
I remember the old pitcher pump in the back yard and having to carry buckets of water into the house for drinking and cooking and for washing the dishes. Laundry days and the evening baths meant many trips with the bucket and I don't miss that either.
I remember wearing an undershirt from October until May and having to take Grover's Chill Tonic because Grandma was convinced of it's medicinal miracles to ward off coughs and colds all winter. I can recall the box it came in, the color and the taste of it. That's sure not missed.
I remember having a whole farm for a playground. A creek to wade and fish in, fruit trees, and a huge garden available to gather our snacks from. If there was traffic on our little dirt lane, it was company coming to visit.
I remember the old outdoor toilets which no manner of sweeping could keep clear of spider webs and wasp nests. We always kept an eye out for snakes there too. I durn sure don't miss that.
I remember dozens and dozens of books read while sitting in an old oak tree down the lane. The whisper of leaves in the breeze and the sharp feel of the bark against my back. I also remember falling out of that tree one day and landing on top of a bobwire fence which probably saved me a broken limb.
I remember playing a million or so games of cards and monopoly cause the TV stopped working and we didn't have money to get it repaired. I don't recall missing the TV.
As I wrote this it was difficult to draw the line between the best things and the not so good cause I think even the hardest times gave me strength to face all of the rough patches in my life.
I think what I remember most is learning to never expect more than what I have at the moment.
I remember a cold house and only a cast iron wood stove to warm whichever side you had facing it. Summers hot enough that you felt as though you were melting and the smell of Black Flag fogging throughout the house at night to deter the buzzing mosquitoes.
I remember not caring about the furniture arrangements as long as you could turn the bed so that a breeze could come through the window to cool you from the rattling old window fan.
I remember looking forward to Saturday wash day because you could strip the beds and wash the sheets. Those sun dried, clean sheets always smelled of the outdoors and summer sunshine even in the middle of winter. I also remember those same sheets freezing on the line before you could get the clothes pins attached good.
I remember and never miss the old No. 3 washtub that was used to rinse the laundry and then was cleaned out to be ready for bath time. Bathing was more a chore than a luxury when your knees were up under your chin.
I remember the old pitcher pump in the back yard and having to carry buckets of water into the house for drinking and cooking and for washing the dishes. Laundry days and the evening baths meant many trips with the bucket and I don't miss that either.
I remember wearing an undershirt from October until May and having to take Grover's Chill Tonic because Grandma was convinced of it's medicinal miracles to ward off coughs and colds all winter. I can recall the box it came in, the color and the taste of it. That's sure not missed.
I remember having a whole farm for a playground. A creek to wade and fish in, fruit trees, and a huge garden available to gather our snacks from. If there was traffic on our little dirt lane, it was company coming to visit.
I remember the old outdoor toilets which no manner of sweeping could keep clear of spider webs and wasp nests. We always kept an eye out for snakes there too. I durn sure don't miss that.
I remember dozens and dozens of books read while sitting in an old oak tree down the lane. The whisper of leaves in the breeze and the sharp feel of the bark against my back. I also remember falling out of that tree one day and landing on top of a bobwire fence which probably saved me a broken limb.
I remember playing a million or so games of cards and monopoly cause the TV stopped working and we didn't have money to get it repaired. I don't recall missing the TV.
As I wrote this it was difficult to draw the line between the best things and the not so good cause I think even the hardest times gave me strength to face all of the rough patches in my life.
I think what I remember most is learning to never expect more than what I have at the moment.
Reinforcing the Real Rules of Life
Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Still Monday
Got this from Wanda who got it from Otto. Gotta try it.
First of all, pick a letter, any letter.................Got one? Ok. For the following questions, all your answers must begin with the letter you just thought of. (Honor system here, my friends!) Have fun with it! Thanks for your participation!! Remember; All your answers must begin with the letter you just chose! =)
I think I'll go with the letter S.
1. Name two types of food that you could care less if you ever ate again.
Spaghetti squash, squid
2. Name one animal.
Squirrel
3. List three words to describe yourself.
Silky, Silly, Stunned
4. Name two things you might find at a zoo.
Snakes, Spiders
5. Name three things you might find living in the water.
Scallops, Shrimp, Shark
First of all, pick a letter, any letter.................Got one? Ok. For the following questions, all your answers must begin with the letter you just thought of. (Honor system here, my friends!) Have fun with it! Thanks for your participation!! Remember; All your answers must begin with the letter you just chose! =)
I think I'll go with the letter S.
1. Name two types of food that you could care less if you ever ate again.
Spaghetti squash, squid
2. Name one animal.
Squirrel
3. List three words to describe yourself.
Silky, Silly, Stunned
4. Name two things you might find at a zoo.
Snakes, Spiders
5. Name three things you might find living in the water.
Scallops, Shrimp, Shark
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
Friday, February 13, 2004
Out of the mouth of babes
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
Today could be a better day.
SOMEONE, who's ID I won't share but if you look over in the little box to your left you will see, had to remind me today that it was Friday the 13th. Although I don't need a special day to have shitty, unnatural, or unusual things happen in my world, I could have had a couple more hours of stagnation and unknowingness about this fact.
However, today, lucky or not, can't possibly be any less lucky than yesterday.
Thursday started out with Zach peeing in his bathroom floor. I gave him the benefit of the doubt my thinking perhaps he was still half asleep but just to be on the safe side he had a little lesson involving a scrub brush and disinfectant when he came in from school. Since I also cleaned it before leaving for work yesterday, it's very sanitary in there now.
The next incident happened when I was getting him out the door when his ride to school got there. Standing on the frosty porch in bare feet, I turned around to go back into the house and the handle for the storm door came off in my hand. I had to go tripping around to the back of the house, bare-footed on frost-tipped, rain bogged, grass to the back door. I said a couple of prayers along the way that the back door wasn't locked. It wasn't.
To top it off, I arrived at work to find that $60,000 in electronic tax refund checks were delayed by the Service bureau for processing and I spent the day being abused via phone by the clients who decided to blame me for their checks not being here for me to print.
After spilling one cup of coffee TWICE, on my desk, I was very happy when 6 pm came so I could get the hell outta Dodge.
I've already spilled a drop of coffee on my right tit (use your imagination) and slopped some of the same coffee on my desk this morning. I'm hoping that I've gotten all that over with now and the rest of the day will be normal. Maybe.
However, today, lucky or not, can't possibly be any less lucky than yesterday.
Thursday started out with Zach peeing in his bathroom floor. I gave him the benefit of the doubt my thinking perhaps he was still half asleep but just to be on the safe side he had a little lesson involving a scrub brush and disinfectant when he came in from school. Since I also cleaned it before leaving for work yesterday, it's very sanitary in there now.
The next incident happened when I was getting him out the door when his ride to school got there. Standing on the frosty porch in bare feet, I turned around to go back into the house and the handle for the storm door came off in my hand. I had to go tripping around to the back of the house, bare-footed on frost-tipped, rain bogged, grass to the back door. I said a couple of prayers along the way that the back door wasn't locked. It wasn't.
To top it off, I arrived at work to find that $60,000 in electronic tax refund checks were delayed by the Service bureau for processing and I spent the day being abused via phone by the clients who decided to blame me for their checks not being here for me to print.
After spilling one cup of coffee TWICE, on my desk, I was very happy when 6 pm came so I could get the hell outta Dodge.
I've already spilled a drop of coffee on my right tit (use your imagination) and slopped some of the same coffee on my desk this morning. I'm hoping that I've gotten all that over with now and the rest of the day will be normal. Maybe.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Fwd: Is it Just Me?
Is it just me or, does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also, they track her calves to
their stalls, but, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also, they track her calves to
their stalls, but, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Boredom breeds foolishness
It was a slow day at the tax office yesterday, the second in a row. On days like that we tend to talk about the world problems and other, less pressing matters. Around 2 pm Tammy decided to push things up a notch and the topic turned to "How to Spice Up Your Sex Life".
During these discussions Tammy does most of the talking cause that girl can really talk. She can say more in 10 seconds than I can think of in that amount of time. My replies to her usually consist of an occasional "un huh" or grunt as she chatters away. Sometimes a word or two will weave it's way into my consiousness and I'll say "what", so she'll back up.
The Sex 101 instructions that she was handing out yesterday made me feel that perhaps she believes that my sex life needs a little spice (and I have NO idea why she would think this). I was listening in my usual manner and finally had to make a remark when she suggested that it was sometimes fun and exciting to go parking.
I let her finish with the pluses of the activity and then when I caught her taking a breath, I broke in.
"Uh huh", I can see it now. We're in the back seat and suddenly I scream at James, GET OFF, get in the front seat and drive me to the doctor so he can get me out of this postion."
My back hurts now even thinking about the contortions it would take to have sex in the back seat of a car.
During these discussions Tammy does most of the talking cause that girl can really talk. She can say more in 10 seconds than I can think of in that amount of time. My replies to her usually consist of an occasional "un huh" or grunt as she chatters away. Sometimes a word or two will weave it's way into my consiousness and I'll say "what", so she'll back up.
The Sex 101 instructions that she was handing out yesterday made me feel that perhaps she believes that my sex life needs a little spice (and I have NO idea why she would think this). I was listening in my usual manner and finally had to make a remark when she suggested that it was sometimes fun and exciting to go parking.
I let her finish with the pluses of the activity and then when I caught her taking a breath, I broke in.
"Uh huh", I can see it now. We're in the back seat and suddenly I scream at James, GET OFF, get in the front seat and drive me to the doctor so he can get me out of this postion."
My back hurts now even thinking about the contortions it would take to have sex in the back seat of a car.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
PORN ALERT!
Ya'll convinced me. It would be too much trouble to take a boob shot anyway so I'll just post this nekid man instead.
Eerie!!
Town Battles 'Demonic' Mystery Blazes
1 hour, 36 minutes ago Add Oddly Enough - Reuters to My Yahoo!
ROME (Reuters) - A Sicilian town is struggling to work out why dozens of household items from fridge-freezers to furniture keep mysteriously bursting into flame, terrifying locals and sparking theories of demonic intervention.
Since mid-January dozens of electrical goods and pieces of furniture have spontaneously gone up in flames, causing huge damage in Canneto di Caronia, a small town perched on the Mediterranean island's rocky coast.
"I've seen unplugged electrical cables burst into flames with my own eyes, but I just can't explain it," a local policeman who did not want to be named said Wednesday. "I've never seen anything like it."
Some fires have spread to engulf homes and police temporarily evacuated some 40 residents.
"There has been a sense of panic and people have been evacuated from their homes," said Salvatore Mezzopane, who works at the town hall. "We're trying to find the cause of the fires but there are no answers yet."
Italian utility Enel tried cutting power to the town after the first reports but the fires continued. With experts no closer to explaining the phenomenon, theories ranged from arson to a freak power surge or even the supernatural.
"I've seen things like this before," Catholic exorcist Gabriele Amorth told Italian daily Il Messagero. "Demons occupy a house and appear in electrical goods...Let's not forget that Satan and his followers have immense powers."
1 hour, 36 minutes ago Add Oddly Enough - Reuters to My Yahoo!
ROME (Reuters) - A Sicilian town is struggling to work out why dozens of household items from fridge-freezers to furniture keep mysteriously bursting into flame, terrifying locals and sparking theories of demonic intervention.
Since mid-January dozens of electrical goods and pieces of furniture have spontaneously gone up in flames, causing huge damage in Canneto di Caronia, a small town perched on the Mediterranean island's rocky coast.
"I've seen unplugged electrical cables burst into flames with my own eyes, but I just can't explain it," a local policeman who did not want to be named said Wednesday. "I've never seen anything like it."
Some fires have spread to engulf homes and police temporarily evacuated some 40 residents.
"There has been a sense of panic and people have been evacuated from their homes," said Salvatore Mezzopane, who works at the town hall. "We're trying to find the cause of the fires but there are no answers yet."
Italian utility Enel tried cutting power to the town after the first reports but the fires continued. With experts no closer to explaining the phenomenon, theories ranged from arson to a freak power surge or even the supernatural.
"I've seen things like this before," Catholic exorcist Gabriele Amorth told Italian daily Il Messagero. "Demons occupy a house and appear in electrical goods...Let's not forget that Satan and his followers have immense powers."
Chihuahua from Taco Bell
This morning I stopped on my way to work at this quick stop in Marianna. Marianna only has a population of a couple thousand probably and small enough that they felt the need to combine their KFC and Taco Bell. The quick stop happened to be next door to the KFC/TB and when I pulled in I saw this wee, tiny little Chihuahua. He was just wandering around in the parking lot and everyone who came out of the store stopped and petted him or said a few words to him. I asked a guy working there if the pup was lost and mentioned that it was a dangerous place for a doggie to wander. He told me not to worry cause he was Taco Bell's mascot and he came by for a visit every morning.
He looked a lot like this little fella.
He looked a lot like this little fella.
It's Wednesday
Good grief, I'm working my ass off here to try to get around to see everyone and it appears that I'm going to have to show a boob or something equally drastic to get some more traffic and comments in here. I can't even get a comment on my comments.
Checking breath, sniffing underarms.....
Yeah,,, ok,,, a working belle is a boring belle to be sure.
Checking breath, sniffing underarms.....
Yeah,,, ok,,, a working belle is a boring belle to be sure.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Tuesday thoughts for the deep thinker
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Ok but I prefer to be a more neutral color of tennis shoe!
Sneakers- funny, laid-back, and goofy, you love to
make people laugh and have a good time. You
enjoy comfort and don't care to much about what
people think of you. You like to hang out with
your buddies and just have a good time. [please
vote! thank you! :)]
What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday Mess
The Chickie has a birthday on Wednesday and we'll be doing the party thing next Sunday. Nanny went shopping and found this great Truck Rocker. I also bought new outfits for all my other chicklets for Valentine's Day (cause you know what a candy high is, right?)
The Chickie started walking a few weeks ago and it's so funny watching her. She sort of walks with a stiff-legged gait which makes her look like a little bow-legged man!
The Chickie started walking a few weeks ago and it's so funny watching her. She sort of walks with a stiff-legged gait which makes her look like a little bow-legged man!
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Sunday
My "to do" list is long and all I can think of is that tomorrow is Monday. I can't get moving here.
Is anyone else having fond thoughts of Spring and Summer?
Is anyone else having fond thoughts of Spring and Summer?
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Saturday
I've been about a minute from a full flood of tears all morning.
Yesterday hubby called me at work to tell me that he'd lost the training receiver/collar while hunting with his dog. That's only $400 bucks down the drain. Then this morning, Jeffrey came over with the latest news to come down from the corporate farm offices. No health insurance after April 1st due to the outrageous, RISING costs. We had to pay for mine at the groups rate but Hubby's was paid by the company. Now what in the hell are we going to do? Already over 1/5 of hubby's take home pay goes for health, house, and vehicle insurance.
Yesterday hubby called me at work to tell me that he'd lost the training receiver/collar while hunting with his dog. That's only $400 bucks down the drain. Then this morning, Jeffrey came over with the latest news to come down from the corporate farm offices. No health insurance after April 1st due to the outrageous, RISING costs. We had to pay for mine at the groups rate but Hubby's was paid by the company. Now what in the hell are we going to do? Already over 1/5 of hubby's take home pay goes for health, house, and vehicle insurance.
Friday, February 06, 2004
Hmmmmmmm
Stress relieved.
The two glasses tonight turned into 1/2 gallon and my client/friend and I were both looped. We had to sit in my office and talk for a good while before I dared to think about driving home this evening.
And,,,,slapping forehead,,,her hubby is one of the city cops there.
The two glasses tonight turned into 1/2 gallon and my client/friend and I were both looped. We had to sit in my office and talk for a good while before I dared to think about driving home this evening.
And,,,,slapping forehead,,,her hubby is one of the city cops there.
Harry Tucker
For the past few days I've had Harry Tucker in my thoughts. I have no idea why and I'd be afraid to explore this in depth cause my relationship with Harry Tucker was not what one would consider to be friendly.
I met Harry Tucker in 1973 when I took a job at Nichols Printing company as a printing press operator. Harry operated one of the big, ancient presses upstairs where we worked. He was a huge, disgusting man, who always had a pipe in his mouth (I came to the assumption that he smoked the pipe cause the owner smoked one). Another of Harry's traits was his inability to keep his pants pulled up due to his overblown belly. The pipe habit was bad enough, but his butt crack staring me in the face all day was totally disgusting.
One day I decided to do something about this butt crack problem.
The printing company was located on Cherry Street in Helena and across the street at that time was a Sterlings store. One day on my morning break I went across the street and purchased a water pistol. Once back at work I went into the bathroom where I filled it up with cold water and for the rest of the afternoon, every time Harry bent over and shined that disgusting pimply butt crack of his, I would take the water gun out of my lap and shoot a stream of water at aforementioned crack.
He would yelp and jump up and look around but the water gun would be safely hidden in my lap again.
Harry never caught on to what was happening, perhaps he thought that old building had some leaky pipes or something, and by the end of the day he had a nice wet stain on his trousers.
After a couple of days of this, Harry began wearing a belt and keeping his pants pulled up and I never had to contend with seeing his butt crack again.
I met Harry Tucker in 1973 when I took a job at Nichols Printing company as a printing press operator. Harry operated one of the big, ancient presses upstairs where we worked. He was a huge, disgusting man, who always had a pipe in his mouth (I came to the assumption that he smoked the pipe cause the owner smoked one). Another of Harry's traits was his inability to keep his pants pulled up due to his overblown belly. The pipe habit was bad enough, but his butt crack staring me in the face all day was totally disgusting.
One day I decided to do something about this butt crack problem.
The printing company was located on Cherry Street in Helena and across the street at that time was a Sterlings store. One day on my morning break I went across the street and purchased a water pistol. Once back at work I went into the bathroom where I filled it up with cold water and for the rest of the afternoon, every time Harry bent over and shined that disgusting pimply butt crack of his, I would take the water gun out of my lap and shoot a stream of water at aforementioned crack.
He would yelp and jump up and look around but the water gun would be safely hidden in my lap again.
Harry never caught on to what was happening, perhaps he thought that old building had some leaky pipes or something, and by the end of the day he had a nice wet stain on his trousers.
After a couple of days of this, Harry began wearing a belt and keeping his pants pulled up and I never had to contend with seeing his butt crack again.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Thursday
The boss called today and asked how everything was going.
I told her to please not try to anticipate my needs in the future
due to the fact that a 6 pack of beer and male strippers wouldn't
do a thing to improve my disposition towards her helpful ideas.
After a few hours of deworming and scanning all puters for viruses
and worms I awarded myself a bottle of muscadine wine and partook of a few
glasses before I came home this evening.
I might well deserve another tomorrow.
I told her to please not try to anticipate my needs in the future
due to the fact that a 6 pack of beer and male strippers wouldn't
do a thing to improve my disposition towards her helpful ideas.
After a few hours of deworming and scanning all puters for viruses
and worms I awarded myself a bottle of muscadine wine and partook of a few
glasses before I came home this evening.
I might well deserve another tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Indigo sent this to me today
I enjoyed the hell out of it, I think ya'll will too.
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
OK gals, now that you have had your laugh,
remember... Breast Cancer Awareness...
Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy!
Pass the message on to your mothers,
sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends --
and even your enemies --
because the WORST enemy is Breast Cancer!
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/home
every day and click on the pink
"Fund Free Mammograms" button to help
fund free mammograms for women in need.
titsmiley.bmp
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
OK gals, now that you have had your laugh,
remember... Breast Cancer Awareness...
Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy!
Pass the message on to your mothers,
sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends --
and even your enemies --
because the WORST enemy is Breast Cancer!
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/home
every day and click on the pink
"Fund Free Mammograms" button to help
fund free mammograms for women in need.
titsmiley.bmp
NOT a good Wednesday
I've toted CPUs, monitors, unconnected and connected, moved a laser printer from one side of a big room to the other, and all I ended up with was that F***ing Lovsan worm on a computer they sent over from the main office THAT I DIDN'T NEED OR ASK FOR!!! I'm losing my network connections due to some svchost.exe friggin error but I was managing quite well and getting around the problem. I've gotten pretty good at compromise and getting around things in that place.
I've still got that problem, but now I have to run around the room and reboot 3 friggin puters instead of 2.
I've been on my stomach, on the floor, under my desk for a couple of hours today. I'm frustrated from trying to explain a problem to our "expert" who's almost totally deaf and hard-headed to boot. The owner can't do a tax return (she doesn't know how) and only learned to turn a friggin computer on in the last year and this whole deal today was her idea. (or that ex-hubby of her's that she's trying to impress again).
I wish I knew more about the tech stuff than I do. I know jack about networks. I do know I was better off this morning before they brought in this other shit!!
Ok, I'll shut up now.
I've still got that problem, but now I have to run around the room and reboot 3 friggin puters instead of 2.
I've been on my stomach, on the floor, under my desk for a couple of hours today. I'm frustrated from trying to explain a problem to our "expert" who's almost totally deaf and hard-headed to boot. The owner can't do a tax return (she doesn't know how) and only learned to turn a friggin computer on in the last year and this whole deal today was her idea. (or that ex-hubby of her's that she's trying to impress again).
I wish I knew more about the tech stuff than I do. I know jack about networks. I do know I was better off this morning before they brought in this other shit!!
Ok, I'll shut up now.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Driving rules of the South
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. Don't bother using them or noticing when someone else does. A little respect goes a long way and we wouldn't want that taking the extreme aggressiveness off of our roads!
2. Drive three inches behind the car in front of you even if you are in the far right lane... they don't want to see your headlights anyways so you will be doing them a courtesy. It's not like this ever causes accidents or anything.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow and should be done often. Also refer back to Rule #1.
4. Lights: Yellow light means 'Floor it!' If the light just turned red it is okay to go through it still. The faster you drive through the red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. If you end up behind some asshole who slows down for a yellow light, get very angry and honk your horn at them while swearing.
5. Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want to piss the guy off behind you and have your insurance company pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you in the soon-to-be-closed lane as you responsibly sit in the proper lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. Don't attempt to stop your car on the line so these creeps can't pass you; it only makes them honk their horn and give you dirty looks as they drive on the closed part of the road to get around you.
7. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork (That's one out of every 20 out here.) They have obviously been in many accidents and probably are under-insured if at all.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. This is to be done especially fast right after changing lanes and cutting someone off.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a great way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable. If it says 55 MPH, you should be doing at least 70. Anyone doing less than that will be tailgated, harassed, and passed on all sides.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Need a shortcut when traffic is high? Simply drive down the center 'suicide lane.' It's completely safe and no cop will ever give you a hard time about it. On the freeway? Just take the carpool lane or the space to the left or right of the 'real' lanes.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Most truckers don't have any idea how to load their trucks so be prepared to dodge pallets, boxes, and even couches! Abrupt swerving is also a fun and safe way to change lanes quickly and instantly! (Once again refer to rule #1)
15. Always honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Always assume a green light is going to turn red just before you get to it; speed up when approaching an intersection.
17. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, yell at their kids, and run you off of the road in their SUV's, at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19. Flipping someone the bird is considered a special salute commemorating the state's rising. This gesture should always be returned.
20. Once you get onto the freeway, just get into the far left lane and stay there. When other drivers pull up behind you trying to pass just ignore them and wait. Soon you will see that you have forced them to dart in and out of traffic to get around you which is much safer for everyone than for you to pull to the right when you have a chance.
By following these above listed rules, you can do your part to help keep our rapidly increasing population under control.
a cousin Hop contribution.
2. Drive three inches behind the car in front of you even if you are in the far right lane... they don't want to see your headlights anyways so you will be doing them a courtesy. It's not like this ever causes accidents or anything.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow and should be done often. Also refer back to Rule #1.
4. Lights: Yellow light means 'Floor it!' If the light just turned red it is okay to go through it still. The faster you drive through the red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. If you end up behind some asshole who slows down for a yellow light, get very angry and honk your horn at them while swearing.
5. Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want to piss the guy off behind you and have your insurance company pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you in the soon-to-be-closed lane as you responsibly sit in the proper lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. Don't attempt to stop your car on the line so these creeps can't pass you; it only makes them honk their horn and give you dirty looks as they drive on the closed part of the road to get around you.
7. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork (That's one out of every 20 out here.) They have obviously been in many accidents and probably are under-insured if at all.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. This is to be done especially fast right after changing lanes and cutting someone off.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a great way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable. If it says 55 MPH, you should be doing at least 70. Anyone doing less than that will be tailgated, harassed, and passed on all sides.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Need a shortcut when traffic is high? Simply drive down the center 'suicide lane.' It's completely safe and no cop will ever give you a hard time about it. On the freeway? Just take the carpool lane or the space to the left or right of the 'real' lanes.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Most truckers don't have any idea how to load their trucks so be prepared to dodge pallets, boxes, and even couches! Abrupt swerving is also a fun and safe way to change lanes quickly and instantly! (Once again refer to rule #1)
15. Always honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Always assume a green light is going to turn red just before you get to it; speed up when approaching an intersection.
17. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, yell at their kids, and run you off of the road in their SUV's, at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19. Flipping someone the bird is considered a special salute commemorating the state's rising. This gesture should always be returned.
20. Once you get onto the freeway, just get into the far left lane and stay there. When other drivers pull up behind you trying to pass just ignore them and wait. Soon you will see that you have forced them to dart in and out of traffic to get around you which is much safer for everyone than for you to pull to the right when you have a chance.
By following these above listed rules, you can do your part to help keep our rapidly increasing population under control.
a cousin Hop contribution.
Monday's post on Tuesday
I only got short breaks yesterday and my thoughts also took breaks so no post.
I was up at 5:30 browning a roast and peeling veggies to put in the crockpot whilst in my sleepy state. I managed to do it without splattering boob or belly with hot oil this time.
Then I got through the morning "go round" with Zach and finally after an hour of threats and finally a spat on the butt, he was dressed for school with a full 5 minutes to spare before his ride got here.
Finally off to work I went. It was raining. I got wet which made for another bad hair day. The clients came in at a steady pace but not an overwhelming one. I finished with the last one around 7:20 last evening.
I arrived home around 8:10 and as I undressed I threw a load of clothes in the washer and one in the dryer, had a few bites of that delicious roast, folded towels, picked up leggo and puzzle pieces scattered down the hallway, put the left-over roast away, started the dishwasher, and finally was able to come in and read a few blogs before I stopped to read awhile before sleep.
Now it's Tuesday and I sure could use a few more hours sleep.
I just counted the times that I told Zach to brush eat his breakfast, brush his teeth, and get dressed. If I had a dollar for each time I'd be $30 bucks richer now.
I was up at 5:30 browning a roast and peeling veggies to put in the crockpot whilst in my sleepy state. I managed to do it without splattering boob or belly with hot oil this time.
Then I got through the morning "go round" with Zach and finally after an hour of threats and finally a spat on the butt, he was dressed for school with a full 5 minutes to spare before his ride got here.
Finally off to work I went. It was raining. I got wet which made for another bad hair day. The clients came in at a steady pace but not an overwhelming one. I finished with the last one around 7:20 last evening.
I arrived home around 8:10 and as I undressed I threw a load of clothes in the washer and one in the dryer, had a few bites of that delicious roast, folded towels, picked up leggo and puzzle pieces scattered down the hallway, put the left-over roast away, started the dishwasher, and finally was able to come in and read a few blogs before I stopped to read awhile before sleep.
Now it's Tuesday and I sure could use a few more hours sleep.
I just counted the times that I told Zach to brush eat his breakfast, brush his teeth, and get dressed. If I had a dollar for each time I'd be $30 bucks richer now.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Why Americans should not be allowed to travel..
Why Americans should never be allowed to travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
* I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Submitted by Alan S. - Strange Cosmos
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
* I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Submitted by Alan S. - Strange Cosmos
Heaven and Hell
There once lived two brothers. One was very good and tried to always
live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and
did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care
who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother
since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good
brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and
wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him
there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible
life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if
there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the
power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was
sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous
blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let
me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But
I don't understand,if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why
does he have a keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems
like a punishment".
God said to him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg
has a hole in it - the blonde doesn't."
live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and
did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care
who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother
since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good
brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and
wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him
there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible
life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if
there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the
power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was
sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous
blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let
me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But
I don't understand,if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why
does he have a keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems
like a punishment".
God said to him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg
has a hole in it - the blonde doesn't."
And this too
There's still an awful lot of the world to see. That's why I love to see photos!
create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide
create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide
About Me
-
- Name:Brenda
- Location:Arkansas, United States
I'm from Arkansas, born here, moved away several times as a kid but always back again. This time I've been here for the past 35 years. It's been a trip! Guess I'm a Redneck with culture.
Blog Buds
- Kat
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- Leslie
- Clint
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- TW
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- A Mom
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- The Pisser
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- Mad Mommy
- Kentucky Gal
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- Sara's Shop
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- Gray
- Lejnd
- Cheaper Than Therapy
- Hoot Nannie
- Do or Die(t)
- Autumn's Meadow
- Dana
- Instant Grits & MonkeyBeans Boutique
- About Me Stuff
- Brenda's Photos
- More Photos
- Web Shots
- Web Shots 2
- Instant Grits
Previous Posts
- I don't know what's going on??
- Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added ...
- Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added ...
- Git Yer Eyes In Focus,,,,,
- Retirement Does Not Have To Be Boring!
- Obit
- I swear I only mentioned it in passing
- Growing up
- Weekend recap
- Happy 1st Birthday Jillian!!
Archives
- 02/03
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- 07/06
Credits
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