Thursday, June 30, 2005

Hot, Hot, Hot

It's just past 10:30 a.m. and it's already 86F out there. I think it's supposed to rise on up to over 100 before the day's out so I hope it has cooled off before Zach's ball practice this evening at 6. Our plans today are to stay inside with the a/c until we have to leave for that practice.

Everything outdoors is suffering from the heat and lack of rain. I think James told me they'd had no more than a sprinkle on the farm for more than 50 days now.

This is similiar to the variety of crowder pea we've planted. They make a yummy, thick, broth that makes for some FINE eatin' if ya add a pan of cornbread.

I had some photos of the water starving plants around my yard but blogger is being a BITCH again and they disappeared when I went back into this post to edit it.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Feel Conservative

I decided that I needed a change, and since a change for me is not without pain, I decided to say to hell with it and go all out. Now I reckon I'll be trying to learn a bit about this CSS language even though I actually know dip shit about the html one.

I think I feel a headache coming on.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

They're out to get me!

There I was, all worried and shit about the drive last Friday when I should'a remembered that statistics say that most traffic accidents happen within 5 miles of home. No accident here but not for the lack of folks trying to make it happen today.

When the Terrorist and I were on our way to town this morning I was stopped at the redlight at a mostly unbusy intersection just a few miles from home. When the light turned green I started moving but saw movement out of the corner of my eye and slammed on my brakes,,,just as a huge 18 wheeler shot through the redlight. That close call racked up about 4 FYs, 3 OhShits, and a SOB, all in the same breath.

Then, not 3 miles further down the highway I was flashed by a sight that nearly made my heart stop (I reckon it did for a few seconds). Four guys were standing on a trailer thingy, shirtless, and one was kinda doing a swaying dance at a construction site. That's exactly the type of scenery that absolutely takes my breath away!

Lastly, after I dropped Zach off at ball practice and started back into town, to buy the toilet paper that I went to get this morning and forgot, a leisurely lady with a cell phone to her ear pulled out in front of me causing another screeching of brakes. I don't think she heard my oaths of "crazy bitch" and "blind MOAW" or my gestures of frustration because she stayed at a steady 40MPH in the 55MPH zone and was gesturing, to whothehellever she was talking to on the phone, with both hands.

I think I should stay home tomorrow.

Some things are just too important not to share.

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Home Again!

And it sure is good to be back on my home turf if for no other reason that to try to get these kinks out of my aching, old body. We'll have 12 days to get over this trip before we head to Little Rock for the State Tournament. (The coaches have already scheduled 3 practices for this week alone!)

Trish and the girls are doing great! Trish works every day at her job with Arkansas Blue Cross and Jordan is busy spending the summer in a Parks and Recreation program that keeps her busy every day. She also plays girl's softball so she's been busy with games and tournaments too. Jaylen has fun at her daycare where she's already learning to read at the old age of 3 1/2! They're both so very polite and well-mannered and are growing up so fast!

I wasn't too impressed with Hot Springs. It could have been that we really didn't have a lot of time to see much of it but I was disappointed to see so much commercialization of the little, old, city. We drove to Lake Hamilton during a break from the ballgames and there was nowhere for the public to sit by the water and just enjoy the view. Everywhere you looked there were boat rental places or big, fancy homes butting up to every inch of lake frontage. We thought about driving out to Lake Catherine where there was supposedly a park by the lake but it was 11 miles from downtown and we felt we wouldn't have enough time.

We arrived early yesterday so were able to take a stroll down a part of the Grand Promenade above Bathhouse Row. That little portion of Central Ave. was pretty with the tiny shops and art galleries. There is a rehabilitation center that was built in the early 1900's at the top of the hill where the Grand Pomenade begins. I thought the building was great!

I reckon I got my protein allotment this trip too. I took along a couple of things to snack on during the Saturday games and as I was munching down on some trail mix,,,several bites of it in fact,,,I noticed that in the few minutes since we'd opened it and sat it on the ground, some other hungry critters had decided they needed a snack too. I don't know how many ants I ate, but I think it's best I don't think on it too hard.

I originally posted photos from the trip here on my blog page but it appears that blogger is being a total ass today cause they weren't showing up. I going to do a little blog walking now, hope everyone is having a great day!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

I'll be home tomorrow.

It's too danged hot to be watching baseball so I don't know how those little lads suffered through these past two days since they were a little busier than those of us crowed under the ONE damn tree in the whole, entire, ballpark. They learned a little humility this weekend with their 1 game win out of the 4 games they played.

The brightest moment of the weekend was being able to spend time with Trish, Jordan, and Jaylen. I'll be posting some photos after I get home tomorrow, unpack, do laundry, and rest up from the drive.

I'll see ya'll tomorrow!

Friday, June 24, 2005

I'm almost done

I just have to clean the truck out a little cause the outside washing reminded me that it's a really nice ride and I want the inside to be half-ass clean at least. (although that job depends on how hot I get whilst doing it).

Put on some clothes (cause I stripped off and put on a long tee as soon as I got home from town this morning,,,it's 98 degrees out there!).

Put on some shoes.

Throw the bags in the truck.

Talk Zach outta the neighbor's pool and into some clothes.

Throw him in the truck.

And then I'm off to Little Rock.

With side trips to Hot Springs on Saturday and Sunday for the ball tournament.


The terrorist and I are heading out at around 4 p.m. today to go spend the night with Trish and her girls. They've agreed to go to the ballgames with us. We'll drive back to Little Rock on Saturday evening and then back to Hot Springs on Sunday for the final day of the tournament. It's only about 35 -40 miles and I'd much rather stay with Trish since I'm not crazy about staying in hotels. I've reserved a room for 2 nights for the State tournament starting July 8th and I figure that'll be enough time sleeping in a strange bed for me.

I'm always nervous before I leave for drive that's further than a trip to town for groceries and even more so this week since I'm a little superstitious. I believe the old adage that "bad things happen in 3's."

Over the past 10 days, a friend's mother and James's aunt died unexpectedly. Then last night we had a call about the wife of one of the men that works for James on the farm and were told that she has an inoperatable, cancerous, tumor on her lower spine. The news leaves me wondering if this is the 3rd of the series or if there is still more bad news to come. In any case, I'll be extra careful as I do all this driving this weekend.

Ya'll keep your fingers crossed that these little boys will play their best and put on their best sportsmanship manners this weekend. Through this whole season they've behaved like little gentlemen in that department, so far. As much can't be said for some of the parents at those games though.

Last weekend a mommy came up to us after her son's team had lost a game and proceeded to tell us how horrible the umpires were and what cheating assholes the opposing team had been. I just sort of looked at her and went back to watching our lads prepare for their game and she walked behind us to the concession stand where she started cursing and mouthing off to a fan of the team they'd lost to. I was so proud, in my eavesdropping position, to hear the guy say to her as he put his hand on her son's head, "Maam, it's very sad that you choose this behavior as a way to teach your son about sportsmanship." Without argument, he put her right in her place.

I like all of our team's coaches but one I especially enjoy because he gives them so much encouragement and never makes them feel bad about how they've played. When he gathers them into their huddle before each game they say a prayer even before they say their team cheer and he does this again after each game. He reminds them that it's just a game and the main thing to remember is to HAVE FUN!

Another of the coaches called on Tuesday night with the information about the tournament and mentioned that it could be a good thing if these boys were to lose a game so they'd understand that it IS a game and there is no shame in losing as long as you've done your best. I told him that Zach was very familiar with losing since his regular team ended the season in last place but that it didn't matter because every one of those boys learned something from every game and had a blast doing it.

When Zach finally wakes up from his beauty sleep I have to drive into town to wash the truck and fill it up, buy a few groceries so the man won't starve while we're away, and cash a check so we'll have a little chump change on the trip. I'm really looking forward to seeing Trish and the girls and spending time with them this weekend. That will make up for the time sitting in this southern heat and humidy for the next couple of days.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Feeling Old today

My everything hurts and I can't remember what I did yesterday to be so deserving. After I moaned and groaned my way outta the bed this morning I glanced in the mirror as I was washing my face and discovered two things in a flash.

"A quick look at my naked body tells me that I've reached the age where I can see my rear end without turning around."

"This same glance shows me that going braless pulls all of the wrinkles outta my face."

I've also noticed lately that when I stoop over to do one thing, I look around and wonder what else I can do while I'm down there. I might as well resign myself to the fact that I'm middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Chick Fix

I hadn't seen the Chick in DAYS so I stopped in at the Fireworks stand on my way to town to see her for a bit. (Jerri's mom, Loyce, has the flea market and they open a fireworks stand when it's the season for it.)

Jerri's still toting around that basketball.

The Chick's Banny (Jerri's Mom, Loyce)

On the way home I stopped to take a photo of these little wild flowers that grow along side the road. I think they're so pretty!

It's already Tuesday?

I did a few things around the house yesterday in my haphazard way so I guess my Monday zipped on past too quickly. I always have these good intentions about getting things done around here but they don't tend to last long. I did clean the mirrors, vacuum, and do a few loads of laundry so I hope that counts for something even if you still can't get in the front door for all the shoes.

Zach and the girls are learning about piddling in the garden from their PopPop so yesterday Zach took it upon himself to pull some onions because he felt like they were getting to be too big. This was fine except that he pulled about 3 dozen of the danged things. I spent over an hour cleaning onions!

One of the coaches called last night to move ball practice up by half an hour tomorrow evening and to tell us that the tournament will definitely be in Hot Springs this weekend. I guess I'll need to pack our bags in a day or two.

The funeral for James's aunt will be tomorrow afternoon. I've discovered over the years that his extended family never sees one another until someone dies. I haven't seen his Aunt Eloise, the one who died, in at least 20 years. I sort of got the feeling that the lady didn't really care much for her family. James told me that she moved up north right after she got out of high school and I only remember her visiting a few times over the years that her mother was still alive.

I need to run into town to pick up a few things and I plan to stop and get a hug from the Chick while I'm there. Ya'll have a great day!!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Father's Day!!

I hope all you Daddies had a delightful day full of fun and relaxation!


Today bout did me in. I had planned a leisurely morning of sleeping in and a late breakfast before heading out to Marion again at noon but a cramp grabbed the calf of my left leg around 4 a.m. at about the same moment that the phone rang. James was already up having coffee and watching TV so I had an audience as he watched me struggle, in turrable pain, on one freakin leg, to get to the phone. When I heard his aunt on the line I knew it had to be bad news so after I said hello I passed the phone on to him. Another aunt, one who was quite young at 58, died some time around 3 this morning.

He went over to visit the family for a short while this morning and we left at noon for the tournament and arrived in time to see about half of the game which was to determine our opposition today.

Our Twin City All Stars played their hearts out and won the championship game 14 to 8. They were as proud as little peacocks when they went on that field after the game for their trophies.

We had hoped to host a tournament here at home next weekend but it doesn't look as though that's going to pan out so we'll know for sure by Wednesday if we'll be playing in Lonoke (which is about an hour's drive) or in Hot Springs (which is about 3 1/2 hours drive. If they play in the Hot Springs tournament we'll have to stay overnight for sure.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Up Thar In Marion, Arkansas

The drive wasn't too bad but they sure had a teeny, tiny ball field to be situated right on I55 like they are and to be within sneezing distance of the West Memphis city limits. They did have trees though so most of the morning we were blessed with a bit of shade.

Our boys played 3 games and won three games and their last game is tomorrow at 3 p.m. for the championship. I hope they win it since we must make that drive again.
I've been trying to get those white ball pants clean since I've been home. I think they do most of their sliding just so they can grind in the dirt to put those pre-wash stain removers to the ultimate test. I threw his dirty, grimy hat on top of a bowl and stuck it in the dishwasher. Think it'll come clean?

Tired but winners!

Maliek made it home.

Zach at bat.

Trish called me as we were watching the last game to tell me that Jordan played in a tournament today as well. She played in 6 games, back to back, hit 6 home runs, and her last home run of the day got her 3 RBIs and gave them the win. They won the 3rd place spot!! We played against a team today that had 2 little girls playing for them and they were crackerjack hitters (just ask Zach!). We could use Jordan over here with us!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Ya don't have to live in the desert to have cactus wounds!

I swear the little bastids jumped out and grabbed me as I was mowing cause I know I wasn't that close to that cactus plant! Unlike the rose thorn wound of last year where I didn't brake in time, I know not to press my luck around those prickly cacus bushes.

"Wait and see if I ever mow near those danged things again", says she whilst pulling the 14 dozen needles outta her leg with a pair of tweezers.


Zach's Clover team mates ended their regular season games last night with another loss but we eased their pains with 8 or 10 pizzas and their coaches and sponsor gave them awards so it was a good ending. Now we've just got to make it through these All Star practices and tournaments and we'll be home free!

My throbbing, needle poked leg and I will be sitting on the bleachers again this evening waiting for the end of another practice and tomorrow morning we're off to Marion (across the river from Memphis) for a tournament.


Jerri called this morning after her doctor's appointment with the news that we'll be meeting our new granddaughter, Jillian, around 8 a.m. July the 8th. Now, this Nanny is hoping that Zach's first ballgame at the state tourniment is in the afternoon on that day so I can be there to say Happy Birthday!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Somebody got some energy bottled up for sale?

The past couple of days I haven't had the energy of a sloth. I think I'm getting plenty of sleep but I still wake up as tired as I was when I went to bed. I don't think it's helped much that every night this week, except for Monday, we had/have either games or practice scheduled. All I do is sit there and visit with the other Mommys and Grandmommies and that doesn't expend any energy. I need to find where my get-up-and-go went cause there's a pizza party scheduled for after the game tonight and another tourniment on Saturday.

I'm so proud that I decided to plant this little flowering moss in my flower boxes on the porch this year. They just look so happy bobbing their little flowery heads in the breeze!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Pissin on daises

There's not a whole hell of a lot on TV that captures my attention but occasionally a program does come on that warrants a look and sometimes a commercial will cause me to look up from folding that load of towels. I reckon I have a short attention span or something. Anyway, the other day, this commercial came on with these bunches of daisies on it and I'm thinking, "Cool, daisies, I like daisies and those are some lovely, different, looking daisies", so my radar sorta, kinda, tunes in, although I'm still not actually listening.

Then they zoom to a close up of one of the daisies. A daisy who's petals suddenly no longer look like any petal I've ever seen. Then it hits me,,,,,,

Serenity ain't an advertisement for daisies folks.

Who makes up this shit? What's a daisy got to do with a pad that keeps your drawers dry when you've pissed on yourself?
I tell ya, I was at a loss for words! I was actually sputtering and muttering as I gathered my towels and put them away. Those folks will resort to anydamnthing to pull you in, thinking if you just watch for a few seconds, that you'll imagine that their product will make you feel like a princess dancing through a field of daises instead of the old broad with damp drawers cause of your incontinence.

It just ain't right! And as far as I'm concerned, it's worse than those commercials that draw you in with the promises of dry, and flowery when they're trying to sell you those personal feminine products. Cause at least they can't make you think you're watching a commercial for daisies, you know from the tinkly music what's coming on those ads, and it ain't purdy, no matter how hard they try to make it so.

So there's your warning for the week folks, don't be fooled by mother nature inspired advertisers into believing that those daisy petals will keep you smelling like anything but stale urine. ( And I don't believe that they can make those petals absorbent enough anyway.) They almost got me with their wiley ways but I escaped in time!

Monday, June 13, 2005

There's been a lotta sewin going on.

But it wasn't me, I can barely thread a needle. Jerri's been making a lotta clothes for the Chick and decided to put a few things on Ebay where they sold pretty quick. She decided last week to add a page of these clothes to the Chick's site. You Mommies and Grandmommies can go take a gander.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Just a lazy Sunday.

Actually it was quite a lazy Saturday too so I've had two days where I've done little to nothing. After I finally rolled from the bed this morning and got my eyes open a bit, I went into town to get a few groceries and picked up the Chick for a visit with Nanny and PopPop before I came home. Thereafter, we played, and played and she chattered, and chattered. I swear that child is 2 going on 30.

She got upset with her PopPop twice today, the first time he's not sure what he did to make her mad but she told him she'd "kick his butt" and when he told her should "wouldn't either", she came stomping onto the porch yelling for Nanny so she could tell on him. The second time she was getting a cold beer out of the cooler for him (they train em young here) while we were outside and decided she wanted to keep it to pour into her sippy cup. She cried real tears when he told her she couldn't have the beer.

Jessie came over to play for a little while and Alexis insisted that she join her in the toy cupboard. Mind you, it was a tight fit. But they managed!

Zach's been at his Mom's for the past 2 nights and is staying again tonight. He's called several times to remind us that he'll be home soon though. I guess he wants to make sure we're not liking the quiet too much.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!!

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Things I've Learned While Living in Arkansas

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Arkansas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls; it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

Fixinto is one word, and fix can and will be used as a verb.

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

Friday, June 10, 2005

What's Happening to Us in This Country????

It's beyond my comprehension how something so horrible as this could happen. I've been over to Southern Secrets where I followed this link to Katie. It's not enough that her poor parents are going through hell knowing their child has a horrible disease, but to have to go through this as well is pure torture.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Back from the ball game.

We had a few clouds and a fine breeze blowing so the game tonight wasn't as miserably hot as the past few have been. On the way to the game Zach and I noticed this cloud formation over a field of burning wheat stubble and it looked so awesome that I had to stop to take a photo.

As we watched it, it looked as though the smoke from the stubble fire was feeding the cloud and we were watching it grow. The clouds finally gathered together enough that we got a rain here at home but not at the ball field 11 miles SE of home.

The girls had a great time playing at the ball park too as you can tell by this photo of Abie who appears to have been rolling in a pile of dust.


I had a nice little post all written out and when I hit publish, POOF! it was gone!
Dammit anyway!

I'm still breathing.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I'll be busy for a bit

I'm moving stuff over to a different hard drive so wish me luck. I'll NEVER try this again on my own!!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Good Eatin!

Slice the squash in 1/2 to 1 in. thick slices or cut them up like french fries before coating with the cornmeal.

When my kids were small I'd cut them up like french fries and they didn't know they were eating squash until they were older. By then it was too late, they liked it!

My grandma used to cook summer squash like this. It was fast and easy for her since she'd work in the fields with the rest of the family until 11 a.m. or so then go back to the house to have a hot lunch prepared for the tired field workers at noon. Of course her fryer consisted of a deep, cast iron skillet.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Sun Kissed

But I think the sun has a heavy pair of lips.

I'm heading out the door now to go pick up a prescription, fill my gas tank up for another week of ball games, and come back to cook up some southern fried squash!

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Things to Do in Arkansas

When its dry enough to make you fart dust and the temps are 97 F.


I'll be around to visit everyone's blog soon. I think I've had just a tad too much sun these past couple of days and I'm not feeling too sporty right now.

Feeling old today.

I didn't think I'd be posting for several days because when I turned my puter on Friday evening I had an error message about the cpu fan being down but I had a little time this morning to open the cabinet and take a look around and a can of air fixed it for now. So here I am.

The terrorist is still curled up in bed snoozing after 15 hours of baseball yesterday. We left home around 7 a.m. yesterday and I pulled into my driveway at 1:32 a.m. this morning. They only played 4 games but we watched most of the other's games too so we could check out the competition. The championship game started at 10 last night. Zach's team (Twin City All Stars) came away with the first place trophey but those little fellas fought every step of the way for it. I swear some of those kids play like the big boys! Zach got himself a homerun in the 3rd game and he was a puffed out like a peacock.

I made excellent time driving home last night which is amazing since I had no help in staying awake. Zach stripped to his sliders and was asleep before we got out of the ballpark parking lot so about half way home I had to resort to singing loudly with the radio to keep from nodding off.

I only took a couple of photos yesterday because we were busy moving from one field to another all day but some of the parents took a few shots of the team with their big trophy so when and if I get a copy I'll scan em and post em.

Here's one of Zach as we were scouting one of the teams.

This look says, "Nanaw, will you stop, I'm trying to watch the game!"

A shot of the little individual trophy each winning team player was awarded. Isn't it cute?

I think we're scheduled to play in another tournament in Marion next Saturday but that's a teeny, tiny bit closer, I think.

I hope I can get these ball pants clean before then!

Friday, June 03, 2005

It's Friday Already!

This week flew by didn't it? I'm sitting here now trying to rememember where it went and gathering my thoughts of all that must be done today and I'm tired.

As soon as the terrorist wakes up we're off to Forrest City to try to find another pair of ball pants because he needs some with belt loops for the All Stars. I also need to stock up on snacks that will fit into a tote bag for the tournament tomorrow. Then I'll have to get back home to do a little housework, throw some supper in the crockpot, then get Zach to ball practice.

Tomorrow we'll have to rise early because the tournament is in Harrisburg which is almost 2 hours north of here and their first game is at 10:00 a.m. I bought a couple of those camp chairs, because my big, old butt has started to flatten from sitting on those horrible bleachers, so maybe it won't feel like such a long day with softer seating arrangements.

They're playing in the State tournament beginning July 8th in Little Rock so last night I booked a room for 2 nights because James will be going with us (he'd better not decided when it's time that he just HAS to work!) I'm pretty upset about the timing because we feel fairly sure that the 8th will also be the day the doc will schedule the delivery of our new granddaughter. Jerri's extended family will all be there but it makes my heart ache to have to wait a couple of days to say hello to our new baby.

That's all of my whining I can stand this Friday morning. Ya'll have a good un!!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Men's Day, But Not for the Faint of Heart!

You remember that old wives tale about masterbation contributing to the growth of hair on the palm of your hand? I think that was the least of your worries.

But you don't have to see to have sex, right? But if you do happen to get your vision back, you can take this test to see if you're one of the Cool Guys!

And for those of you who still retain that childhood dream of Super Hero status, all is not lost. You can still be a Super Hero.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Redneck IQ Test

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

(It scares the hell out of me that I think I could ace this test.)