Zach's Snowman

Zach made this snowman while he was in the first grade.  I still have him.

Found but Lost

Jami and her husband went back to the lake Sunday morning. The divers found him in a 25 foot drop off just a few feet from the ropes and buoys of the swimming area. They brought our Zach to the surface at 12:07 p.m. on July 30, 2017.

That afternoon we met with the funeral director to make arrangements and that night we were able to see his body for a short time before they took him to be cremated. I touched him for the last time and as I stood there, a tear rolled from his eye and onto his cheek. He was biting his lip and I remembered all the times he would do that. I wanted to just shake him, wake him up!!

It's been a Year.....

We drove down and Tasha let me out, someone brought me a chair while she moved the truck and I began to wait.  It took me awhile to realize that it was no longer a search and rescue but a recovery. I went numb.  I know different people came to wait with me, family, friends, were there. Both of his bosses came and stayed as long as they could. I spoke to the young man who had tried to save him and felt so sorry for him because he was so upset that he wasn't able to. The young girl who was with Zach came and hugged me. I think she was in shock. There was a point when I noticed someone with their cell phone out videoing.  That upset me really bad! Tasha and Jerri went over and asked them not to do that. I think the fella gave his phone to his kid to film it and Jerri and Tasha went over to Sheriff  Byrd to see if he could make them stop.  He did.

I waited and waited for them to find him. I prayed that he and God were playing a prank on me.  In less than 7 years I'd lost my heart and soul. Another young girl came up to me and hugged me. She told me she was pregnant with Zach's child. Dear GOD, what else were you going to throw at me that day???

Just before the sun went down Sheriff Byrd came and said they had to wait for the divers to come and it would be morning before they could resume searching. He wanted everyone to leave so they could get things ready to start again the next day.  I begged him to let me stay. I didnt want to leave him out there alone all night. He promised me that he wouldn't be alone, that there would be someone there with him  every minute.

Jerri and Bubbie drove me home. We waited there for Jami and the girls. My sisters were there, my sister-in-law, I just can't remember everyone who came by to be with us. I didn't sleep that night, every time I closed my eyes I felt like I had cold water running through my veins.

Every terror and tragedy in my life has come with a phone call.  My heart skips a beat every time the phone rings. 

The afternoon of July 29, 2017 was that way, my phone rang, I answered with, "what do you need?" because I saw the call was from Zach's phone. The reply was a hysterical voice that I couldn't understand at first. I finally heard, "Zach went down and didn't come back up!" I asked who was calling and became hysterical too when I heard her say, "He didn't come back up!" again. I think I asked where she was, where they were, I grabbed my purse and went outside and remembered he, Zach, had my truck. I called my neighbor and she was sick but was able to  drive me  to another friend's house in Lexa I begged and prayed that I had heard wrong, that it had to be a joke, "God, Please don't take him from me!!" That trip was SO LONG, I'm praying that Zach would be there with his little mean-ass grin when I got to the lake. I didn't call his mother, Jami, because I wanted to be sure of what had happened, what was going on before I did. My phone rang and it was Jami. Someone who was at Storm Creek Lake had posted on FACEBOOK that Zach had drowned. I told her I was on my way to the lake and I hadn't wanted to call her until I knew for sure.  She was hysterical and said she was on her way from TN. I begged her to please be careful!

We came around the last curve and the road  dropped down to where we could see the lake, I saw the boats, the ambulance, the police cars, and I died inside.

,,,,,,I can't do this all at once. I have to stop now and calm down. Writing about this is so hard but I think it's something I need to do but it's going to take me awhile.

 

My Loss, God's Gain

I am holding so much sorrow inside. I do this because I'm afraid if I let it out I'll start screaming and never stop.

If stress can kill you, there's no doubt that I should be dead from it. Living with this male man-child has beaten me down more than anyone can imagine. I've tried to vent a little to a family member, and once to a friend, and both said that I should kick him out, make him leave, that's what they would do......it's easier said than done folks.  My emotions get in the way of doing what's best for me.

He has stolen from me, everything from my wedding band to cash and checks. I've talked with the sheriff, and his deputies. They "have a talk with him".  He's had counseling and promises of counseling, or at least what passes for that in our area.  There was a visit to a psychiatrist, then the second visit was via video conference. The third video conference, when I had questions about just exactly when he would actually advise us about what to do about his behavior, I was informed that his counselor would be handling that because his job was simply to prescribe his meds, the counselor would handle the behavior problems.                                                                      
I freaking understand that there are problems when dealing with ADHD but there has been little help available in preparing him to live in an adult world and taking on adult responsibilities.  I've done as much as I know how to do.

I'm tired. Mind, body, and soul.

breath

"But grief makes a monster out of us sometimes . . . and sometimes you say and do things to the people you love that you can't forgive yourself for.”                               ........Melina Marchetta.