Sunday, November 30, 2003

A new month, a new week

Tomorrow I've got to get busy and go into the office to do a bit of work. Tuesday I'll drive to Wynne, a little town north of here, to do a tax return. Kinda makes me tired thinking of all that work after these lazy days I've been having.

The Man moved from his recliner to venture outside for about 2 seconds today. Dare I think that he may be on the mend? Zach reluctantly returns to school tomorrow. He's been offering bribes to be able to stay home but I can't be bought!!

Oh Wow!

Friend Bear sent these photos of the view outside his window. Renews your knowledge that there is a God and He bestows us with such beautiful surroundings, doesn't it?

Saturday, November 29, 2003


This Holiday Season I will give these gifts to my family and friends.

No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response.
Just listening.

I will be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and
handholds. I will let these small actions demonstrate the love I have for family
and friends.

Funny pictures. Share articles, funny stories and funny
greetings. My gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet.
A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and
may even change a life.

A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super
job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

Every day, I will go out of my way to do something kind.

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left
alone. I will be sensitive to those times and give the gift of
solitude to others.

The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to
someone, really it's not that hard to say, Hello or Thank You.

Happy Holidays!!!!!


Tree's up, but it's leaning. One string of the prestrung lights aren't lighting and right now I don't even care. I'm going stir crazy here!!

Friday, November 28, 2003

Taking a break

I've slipped away in there for a little bit to get away from the moans and groans of the sick man in the recliner and the on the mend terrorist who has taken over control of the tv remote. The liquid growls and bloody sounds of "Blade" were giving my cup of coffee a weird taste.

Tomorrow I've promised Zach that we'll drag out the tree and decorations. Anybody want to come help? I've got Jose` chillin in the fridge.

What day is it??

It's gonna be a longggg winter.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Twas A Redneck Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung
by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
a foul stench in the air.

From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."

Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.

They all looked around,
and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"

Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!

They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.

"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
and Sam and old Joe!"

"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"

The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.

From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:

"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!

Tis The Season

Over the years I've come to dislike the commercialism of the Christmas holidays. Actually dislike is putting it pretty mildly. Instead of visions of sugarplums, I have these graphic images of standing in the yard on a cold winter's night taking potshots at that little fat fellow as he ho, ho, hos his way across the horizon. (notice here that I've really taken care to clean up my language about said subject).

I do, however, enjoy the holiday decorations during this time of the year and have always tried to make Christmas special for my children even when there wasn't much in the manner of funds to do so.

When I was a child we'd traipse across fence rows and pastures to find a well-shaped cedar to drag home to decorate. The smell of cedar has always reminded me of Christmas things.

We popped popcorn, and with needle and thread, made strings of garland. Pieces of tin foil became stars and moons and silvery snowflakes. Clay made from flour, water, and a little glue and painted with watercolors became Santa, reindeer and baby Jesus ornaments. A spool of ribbon made dozens of bows that we tied onto branches all over the tree.

There were never lots of toys under our tree but there would always be at least one special toy for each of us. And best of all, we had just about anything you'd ever want to eat at Christmas. Fruits and nuts, hard candies, ham from the smoke house, and grandma's wonderful fruitcake.

Back then Jesus was the reason for the season and we could still have nativities and Christmas parade floats to honor Him. I remember the year our church choir dressed as angels and sang "Oh Holy Night" in the parade our little town had in those days. We went caroling with our Sunday school classmates.

I don't know when it happened or why, but things aren't like that anymore. So here I'll be again this year with murderous thoughts going through my mind as I think of the bills to come and not a sugarplum one.


If I weren't taking all these drugs I'd have a few drinks after all that work!

I had planned on using a watermark image as a background for my Christmas blogging decorations but I just can't figure that shit out yet.

Hope everyone is having a great day!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

I am thankful for all my blessings!

And I'm most thankful that I'm not a turkey!!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my blog buddies!

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

When it rains it pours.

Thursday night the terrorist began complaining of not feeling well and by Friday morning he was hosting a fever of 103. Thankfully I was able to walk erect by then cause this house has turned into a flu war zone. I joined him with cough and fever on Saturday so between us we've managed to keep sofa and loveseat cushions all warm and warped from laying about on them.

Things weren't getting any better so we went to see the doc today. I got a shot in the ass, Zach got a sucker, and my protests about the unfairness of the treatment went unanswered.

That couch beckons,,,,later friends.

Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving,,,, author unknown

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation......
The thought of a snack became infatuation.....
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes..

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!
I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....................
Happy eating to all---
Pass the Cranberries Please!

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey be plump,
May your taters 'n gravy
have nary a lump!

May your yams be delicious,
May your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving Dinner
stay off of your thighs!!!


,,,,,,,,,,,a bear contribution

Monday, November 24, 2003

A History Lesson

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country. Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, You have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are
32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!"

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Thanksgiving Story

Zach came home from school on Thursday with a new version of the Thanksgiving story to share with us.

It seems that the pilgrims landed at Rockwell on that flower boat and the Indians cooked supper for them.

At least he has a teacher that attempted to tell them the story, even if they didn't exactly recall all the details. Jessie, from next door, is in the 4th grade and she didn't know what pilgrims were.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

+------------- Bizarre Science Test Answers ----------------+

Following are a sampling of test answers and essays submitted
to science and health teachers by junior high, high school
and college students around the world.

1. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

2. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull.

3. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are
five - a, e, i, o, and u.

4. To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

5. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and
down to make artificial perspiration.

6. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the
blood is affirmative or negative.

7. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if
you don't why you should.


Day Two

This is the second day I've been able to move around without being stooped over like a pretzel. I'm going to continue the muscle relaxers through the weekend to make sure I remain loosened up. The next time I have to suffer that sort of pain I hope it's due to having wild and kinky sex or something!

Friday, November 21, 2003

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels Motorcyclists.
- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex
- You put both contacts into the same eye.
- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
- Nothing you own is actually paid for.
- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
- The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the Party last night... and there aren't any.

My Cousin sent this in my email.

He's starting Christmas early.

Thursday, November 20, 2003


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

On being a dog

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
-- Charles M. Schulz, (Snoopy)

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

New Shakespeare

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play. The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot"

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. The teacher whispered for them to begin.

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words. "My fair maiden...I have come to kiss your snatch!..! .and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bull shit..I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...

The audience left howling.

,,,,,,,another bear smile!

This ain't far from true,,,,

You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The "cow" starves to death.

The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a bear contribution

Since I have the memory of a pissant...

Happy Everything!!!

I'd like to skip this time of the year.

I've cooked only one Christmas dinner in the past two years, and this year will the first Thanksgiving meal I've cooked in that time. I just can't get in the mood for it anymore. This year won't be anything special either since 2 of my 3 children will be going elsewhere for the Thanksgiving holiday due to their father's inability to make peace with our oldest daughter.

As I read John's blog entry this morning, it reminded me of how special holidays used to be in my family and how much I wish that I could make them special again.

These holidays just make me wish even more that I could hibernate during the winter months.

I was just wondering,,,,,,,,

Is there something wrong with my expectations?

Way back when I first married I was pretty much considered a liberated gal. Now, to a redneck, the proper word for one with that sort of belief is "bitch". I cursed, kicked, and fought the culture that allowed the man to drink with the buddies, hunt, and fish, expect a hot dinner to be on the table at whatever time he managed to make it home, and single-handedly allowed ME to raise his younguns, just because he brought home the paycheck. I really bucked when I discovered that these rules of culture did not change when I also went to work and brought home a paycheck because his did not always stretch to include such luxuries as enough food.

I must have mellowed out a bit once I learned that one liberated, young wife was not going to change centuries of culture here in these parts or maybe it was because I was just damned tired of the constant fighting over it, cause I grew up to be a pretty good southern wife (this is what hubby refers to as the good ole days).

After work, he fished, and I grew a garden. He hunted, I picked the vegetables and canned them. He watched TV after a hard day on the farm, I cooked dinner, helped with homework, supervised baths, refereed fights, and did the laundry. Hell I came to look forward to a week-long fishing or hunting trip with the guys since the kids were happy with a pizza or sandwich for supper and I got a break!

I changed every diaper, fed every bottle, cleaned every snotty nose and I realize that he's always worked hard down on that farm, but damn.,,,

Ok, now to get to today's major gripe. In over 32 years of marriage, there have been few times when I couldn't perform my expected duties. Childbirth didn't even keep me away from my kitchen chores. But I'm getting older now and I'm not bouncing back from injuries and illnesses, so is it too much to ask for someone else to cook dinner a couple of times, or do the clean-up afterwards? How about to toss a load in the washer or dryer, run the vacuum, PICK UP THEIR SHIT?????

I'm all done venting now so I'm going to go sit and the floor and see if I can get all these toys back into the toy box in the playroom. It might be a good thing if someone were to come by a little later and help me get up.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

This dog don't hunt.

I got up this morning after sleeping a few hours on this

with my feet on the arm and flat on my back. I felt sore but pretty good for the first couple of hours this morning, but then those spasms started again so I called the doc and begged for muscle relaxing drugs.

What can I say, I'm turning into a wimp and I've got three little girls coming for the afternoon tomorrow!

Thanksgiving is next week!

Ok Don, I'm not as big an asshole as I thought.

What Kind of Asshole are You?

Monday, November 17, 2003

Calling it a night.

I made it though a few blogs today by logging on in short spells. I'll be visiting the rest as soon as I can tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a decent Monday!

You know you're white trash when.....

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people"

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all
watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11 You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up/down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool
Whip on the side.

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-mart.

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.

25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the

27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a backscratcher.

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are funny......

,,,,,,,,,,,a pabear contribution

Naughty or Nice

While sitting in the bathroom floor the other night as we gave the Chickie her bath, I told Jerri about the trying times that I've been having keeping up with Zach. She later sat him down for a talk.

Jerri: "Zach you know what time of year it is don't you?"

Zach: "What?"

Jerri: "It's that time when Santa really starts watching you close to see if you are being good."

Zach: "I've been good."

Jerri: "Well Santa starts in the Spring by having about 300 toys on a list for each little boy and girl, then every time he checks on them and sees that they've been bad, he takes one away."

Zach: "But I've been good."

Jerri: "Zach, if you have one more week last this week, baby you're going to be in the hole."

Then there is the sound of this Nanaw snickering in the background.

Moving Slow Monday

I'm having muscle spasms in my back and I'm walking around like a little old lady with really bad hemorrhoids today. I'll be back when I'm moving a little better.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

My Sunday

Had two shining moments.

I had a call and a smile from Special K

and I got a nap!

Saturday, November 15, 2003

I can feel for this poor old geezer.

WARNING! Potty subject matter discussed.

In The Ladies Room

11 Types Of Women In The Powder Room


Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties aside and
squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up
and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being poured
from third story window.


Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she
straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.


A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers.
Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before
flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash
hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.


Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls
high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates
that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such
lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a


Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat,
never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to
flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in panties.


Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on
faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for
constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound
other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out


Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor.
Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can and carries a box of
Kleenex in her purse.


Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."


Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber"
for her piles.

Big Time

Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other
girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with
black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been
to bed with a man.


Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats
on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy little
songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she
forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.

.....a timm contribution

Friday, November 14, 2003

Longlasting Love Affair

It was the summer before I started third grade when my love affair with books began one hot afternoon when grandma had made us lie down for an after dinner nap. I remember squirming and tossing about on the bed trying to keep cool in front of the old electric fan and out of boredom I picked up a book my mother had left on a table nearby.

It was a struggle at first to decipher those big words that I kept stumbling up against but after a week or so of constantly asking whichever adult was nearby, "what's this word, what does it mean", I had stored enough words to memory that my questions became fewer every day.

I felt grown-up when grandma would look in at nap time and see me stretched out on my stomach, nose buried in the book, and not insist that I take my nap. Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs took me to places I'd never even imagined before and I absorbed and savored each and every word of that book.

I don't remember how long it took me to finish reading my first novel, but I've never been without a new book with a new adventure since then.

Morning laugh

Just when I thought it was going to be a quiet morning around here, I broke the silence with roaring laughter over at John's place. Go on, go get your Friday smile on.

A Day in the Life

I love the few minutes of peace and quiet that I have in the mornings before I wake up the terrorist. During the past week that time has gradually decreased as I've had to wake him up a few minutes earlier for the added encouragement he needs to eat, wash his face, sing on the pot, brush teeth, and dress. He has to stop and play during his routine and it's with a great sigh of relief when he's finally clothed and polished and on his way to school.

I try to prepare myself during the day for what will come once I fetch him home from school, but there is no way to predict what will occur between 3:20 pm each day and bedtime. A roulette wheel is more predictable.

After we got home yesterday I made him change clothes and let him go out to play to release the pent up energy from a day in the classroom. In 30 minutes he was back in the house with both rubber boots full of water from playing in a ditch.

In dry clothes and bootless we then practiced spelling words, reading words, and practiced reciting a poem he's learning.

He watched cartoons and bounced around the house while I cooked supper. During this time he added laundry detergent to my washer load of already washed and rinsed laundry that was waiting for it's turn in the dryer. It took two extra rinses to get all the suds out.

For supper he consumed 2 chicken legs, 1/2 of a chicken breast, 2 carrots, followed by a bowl of banana pudding, and 1 snickers bar.

In his bath, he constructed a boat out of a new bar of soap using my old casino player's card for a sail, used carpet deodorizer as play foam, (that also took 2 rinses to remove), and soaked 3 towels and the bath mat.

After cleaning that mess, I left him to dry off and put on underwear. 10 minutes later I was back in there to see what was taking him so long and this led to our discussion about the difference in my new face powder and talcum powder and how they were for different parts of your body. Don't ask.

1 bowl of dry Honey Nut Cheerio's, several cartoons, and threats later, it was bed time. He went to sleep in less than 2 minutes, I had to rest awhile to even think about sleeping!

Thursday, November 13, 2003

The end of a long day.

Whew. It's almost over. I'm sitting here now with a cup of coffee, a cig I don't need, and an aching knee. Those danged aluminum steps leading to the temporary offices at that place where I work part-time tried to throw me today. I know that's what happened cause I am quite steady on my feet! I think Mary lou needs to give me a few pointers. I hope everyone has a wonderful evening!

For CJ

Come Home Soon!


My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

Another Anniversary

On the occasion of their fifteenth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight. When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much. He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH!!!"

Remember When?

Do you remember when you first discovered your sexuality? Your first real crush, when instead of punching out that boy who lived down the road, you wanted to impress him just a little by wearing clean clothes when he rode his bike over to play for the afternoon?

My first crush was Ricky Roberts when I was in the 7th grade. I had admired him for weeks but didn't have the nerve to let him know this. I must have been emitting some powerful vibes or something though cause one day he came up to me and asked me if I'd "go" with him to our State Fair field trip.

At our little rural school, to have a boy ask you to "go" with him to an event such as this was the ultimate in COOL! Of course to us, at that age, to "go" with a boy to this outing meant that you sat together on the bus, walked around together, and rode rides with them at the fair.

Well, I got me a live one. That Ricky was one suave young man. Being a whole year older than I was, he was much more knowledgeable about "going" with a girl and in how to treat her. He insisted that we hold hands even when he was tossing his cookies when they stopped us right at the top of the giant ferris wheel. Then later on, after he'd chewed a whole pack of Juicy Fruit gum, he taught me how to kiss.

For the next several months, until I broke his heart by leaving to go live with my father and stepmother for 3 years in England, he plied me with gifts of the likes never seen by this country girl. That boy could do wonders with his weekly allowance down at Mr. Jesse's General Store.

I still had all of the baubles and do-dads that he'd lovingly given me until last year and I've never again "gone" with another man quite as romantic as he was.

There was the R.A.F. lad when I lived in England,,,but that'll wait until another day.

Just as I pictured Him

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

The Miracle of Alcohol

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get
some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at
the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Oh Pleeeeezeeeee!

But oh well, it could be worse.


What's your sexual appeal?
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Looking back on Tuesday

Yesterday was just a different kind of day. First of all, it was in the upper 70's here so the central heat that I'd flipped on just three days ago, had to be flipped back to the A/C.

Then my son came by to take hubby's hunting dog, Tee, to the vet for her annual shots and check-up. The vet told me over the phone that she's got ulcers. I knew the danged dog was hyper, hell that's the reason my son had to take her I can't handle her, but ulcers? I told hubby to talk with his buddy about letting his dog breed her this year cause she was probably just frustrated as hell. (speaking from experience of course).

Later in the afternoon I went outside for a bit and noticed that I had some tomatoes ripe in the garden. I went back in to fetch a pail for picking them and ended up with another peck or more of tomatoes! Unbelievable.

It's still warm outside but a front is coming through soon so I'm going to enjoy my warm toes today.

Redneck Honeymoon

A Redneck couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "this here is a very special 'casion and we need a good room with a strong bed."

The hotel clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Redneck fellow thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I 'speck I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Slogans and signs from around the country.

Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


At a Proctologist's door

To expedite your visit please back in."


On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."


On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."


At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."


In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."


At an Optometrist's Office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."


In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."


On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."


At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


When It's Time to Give Up.

I've written a little about my father (4/11/03 entry) before and I've mentioned that I've spoken to him only twice in the past 7 or so years. The day I finally gave up trying to have a relationship with him was pretty much the exclamation point at the end of a long, sorrid, rambling, life sentence.

I've also written about my brother, Roger, in an earlier blog entry. I think he was born after my parents divorced. I'm not real sure of this because I don't exactly know when they divorced. They hadn't lived together in a long while and from age 5 until I was around 14 I have a pretty sketchy memory about many events. Anyway, to get back on the subject, Roger was not my father's son. I have no recall of how I first learned of this, nor have I ever known who Roger's father was. My mother still used my father's surname so that name was on my brother's birth certificate, the same as my sisters and I.

When Roger was killed in a car accident my mother was still able to live on her own even though she was disabled with R.A. The night he was killed I brought her to my house because I felt she didn't need to be alone and also so that we could go the next morning to make arrangements with the funeral home to transfer my brother from the morgue and to handle the funeral.

It was a very emotionally draining day, but I specifically remember my Mom's replies to the funeral director's questions. When he asked her about survivors and mentioned the father of the deceased, my mother's reply was "none". I realized with certainty then that my brother had died never knowing who his father was.

I do not remember talking to my father during this time but I do remember speaking with my stepmother once when she called to offer their condolences.

On the morning of the funeral, as I was dressing, my husband called me to the phone. My stepmother's first words when I answered were, "What have you done?" Being the emotional wreck that I was that morning, all I could say was, "what??" She then began yelling at me about the obituaries being announced over the radio and how upset my father was because his church group would think he was terrible because he hadn't acknowledged his son's death. The conversation was not making sense to me so I finally asked, "What in the HELL are you talking about?"

Then things started coming clear. When the funeral director had sent the obit to the radio station, he had listed my father as a survivor. I was past upset by this time but I remember telling her that she was out of her everloving mind and I couldn't believe she would call me with such bullshit on the day I was going to bury my brother and I hung up on her.

After I'd calmed down a little, I began to realize that they really believed that I had done this and I was so worried about my father thinking I'd do something to hurt him that I called and asked to talk to him. I asked him if he really thought that I had given that information to the funeral director and he said yes. He told me that I'd done it so that people wouldn't know that my brother had been a bastard. Then he said the words that made me realize just how tired I was of forgiving him and how trivial my sisters and I were to him. "Do you think, if Roger were my son, I would ever have let anyone or anything keep me away from him?" I was so hurt that I could barely breath when I told him, "You found plenty to keep yourself away from my sisters and me", then I hung up the phone.

Later that day I discovered that Roger's on again-off again, drug addicted wife had given the director the information that I had been dressed down for.

I tried once, about 18 months ago to renew some sort of relationship with my father, but then he showed his disgust to my daughter about having biracial children and I decided the pain he caused wasn't worth the bother. I just don't have the energy to deal with him anymore and I've never believed in happy endings.

I realize that this must read like a Peyton Place script but truthfully, there were times in my life when I felt as though I were one of the main characters!

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Texan Joke

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"


Zach, aka the terrorist, wrote his first report about Halloween yesterday without aid from the teacher with spelling or grammer. See if you can decipher it.